Just had to squeeze in a second post today. Had a few revelations in the last day or so, and just needed to get it out on paper. Sometimes I feel as though I can express myself and/or verbalize what I am feeling by writing it out on my blog, than talking through it. Interesting side benefit of sorts for me, on blogging!

Anyway, I had date #4 with “the Russian” last night (long story short – I was originally going to get together with boy #9 last night – brainy blonde – but shifted that to this weekend, in favor of date #4…it turned out to work out pretty well and I didn’t feel quite as though I was shafting boy #9 because he was actually relieved when I asked if we could get together this weekend, as he had a lot to do pre-Thanksgiving anyway).

We got together last night because he’s off to see his family through early next week, so he came over for dinner and we watched a movie. I was a little ambivalent about how the night would go, worried that it could go the way boy #7 went (worried it was more about the physical, than actually wanting to see me/learn more about me etc), but it was actually a fairly good combination of both (as mentioned, there is good chemistry with “the Russian” as evidenced last night!), but I came to a conclusion afterwards. I don’t really think it will go much farther than some one-off dates. We are really looking for different things and it sort of hit me last night. I suddenly, at the end of the night, wasn’t as drawn to him as I was when the night began (we had fun, don’t get me wrong), and could see more clearly that he seems to want more casual dating, which I knew going into this, and I’m finding that more and more, I am looking towards relationship material more than casual dating.

We also don’t have a ton in common – he sleeps in till noon, my idea of sleeping in is usually 7:30 or 8 am! He thinks women want men to be their best friend – his priority appears to more on the physical side than the friendship/companionship side. He has more of an edge to him, a little “rough and tough” – I’m more of a “nice girl.” And I’m not saying that my conclusions here are the be-all and end-all, or that they are totally accurate, but that’s the gist of it – we tend to see things opposite in most cases (I just gave two examples, but there are others). While “opposites attract” I do think there needs to be a happy medium.

So, that’s a long-winded way of saying that I’m not sure how much farther this will go with “the Russian” – I won’t rule out another date, but I won’t let it fester on if I’m not feeling it anymore. And, the funny thing is, when I came to that realization – that he isn’t “it” (sorta had that feeling anyway, in the back of my mind) – I suddenly thought about boy #9 more optimistically, because he has that combination I am looking for more – smart, funny, a “thinker,” nice, active – and the only unknown is chemistry. So, we’ll see how that goes, but I am looking forward to finding out more.

I’m still looking for my “just right” but at this point, I am having fun finding that out…whether it takes one date or five dates, I’ll find it – or he’ll find me – it just takes time. And I’m okay with that.

I feel amazing. Absolutely amazing! Today is Thanksgiving and it’s been a wonderful day from start to finish.

It’s an extremely powerful juxtaposition to last year’s Thanksgiving holiday. I was so raw emotionally from finding out that the supposed love of my life wanted out of our marriage, I felt as though I was walking around feeling like a combination of zombie, dumb-struck, sad, and well, raw. Looking back at that day, compared to today, if I could have fast-forwarded to today, at this very moment, I’m not sure if the “me” then would have felt hopeful, or scared shitless over what was to come over the course of the remainder of 2008 and 2009 to-date. I say that only because there have been a fair share of downs with the ups, and the road was long, windy, and at times, extreme.

Today, however, was awesome. I woke up bright and early for my very first 5-miler race with a bit of trepidation and anxiety (what can I say? I get “stage fright” before a race…worst fear being the last runner to cross the finish line!) but the race went off without a hitch. It was a gorgeous route, with scenic parks, the ocean, and the sun peeping through the fog. As I listened to some of my most motivating tunes, I got into the “zone” and began thinking of the year behind me. As each mile went by, I got a bit more emotional, treating those miles as the phases of the last year, the sadness melting into ambivalence, into happiness, and confidence. I finished the race in just under an hour – a bit slow, but I tend to run slower in race (and, I am a slow runner admittedly, but as a new runner, just starting in February, I think it was pretty respectable!), but was elated to birst across the finish line, feeling accomplished.

I headed up to Maine to see my grandparents and my mother and one of my sisters and my brother-in-law, and again, the juxtaposition with last year was evident. I felt great. Happy. NORMAL. Content. My grandparents were great, you could almost see that same feeling in their eyes (as well as my mom’s) and I felt proud. Of myself, and my life. At this very moment. MY life. I did this. I made it, and I’m so thankful. I couldn’t quite ask for much more right now. Thank you…to life.

You read that correctly! I am thankful for my ex-husband. Of course, that comes with a few caveats, of course. I say I am thankful for Pete because of a few reasons:

1. he made a decision that I never would have made myself (as I’ve said before, I didn’t see or realize that our marriage had dwindled to basically a friendship), and that decision has led to a wonderful phase of my life that I wouldn’t trade anything for. I wouldn’t obviously give credit to him for where my life is right now, but for making the decision itself.
2. we’ve worked hard at staying friends – something I didn’t think he would maintain, at the beginning. While I know this relationship will continue to evolve and shift, it’s been healthy for us to continue along, even as we both have entered the dating world in full force. He still comes to me for advice on some of it, and actually seems to appreciate the advice I give him (on dating, but on other things too – work, family etc) and, once in awhile, his advice to me isn’t so shabby either
3. we had a great “run” and I wouldn’t change that for anything either. We had a really good 10 year relationship and marriage, and I learned a lot from him, we had fun together, we took trips (Aruba, Hawaii, Vegas, etc) and as he told me once, he wouldn’t have wanted to spend that time with anyone else. I agree, I won’t forgot those moments, and feel good about it.

So, taking this not-so-literally, I’m more thankful for my ex for just that – making a decision I never could have, because it truly was (warning – cliche alert!!) a “blessing in disguise” and I really couldn’t be happier with where I am right now, in life, in friendships/family, and even, in the dating world! So, to quote Bryan Adams – these were some of the best days of my life (and I wouldn’t change anything about it!).

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On a side note…a few dating updates – I am going on date #4 with “the Russian” tonight…wish me luck (hoping this isn’t jinx-worthy…only jinx-worthy on first/second dates?!) and date #2 with boy #9 (brainy blonde) likely this weekend…stay tuned for all the details in a future post

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I hit 15K views overnight – VERY excited to hit that milestone! I’m also arranging many more per day than I was even three months ago – just hovering around 100 hits a day. Very cool. Who knew blogging could be so fun?!

Continuing on this week’s theme of being thankful…I’m thankful for surrounding myself with genuine people. What do I mean by that? Well, a few things. I think stressful life situations that impact one’s psyche emotionally and mentally does wonders for realizing who’s really by your side and who’s not in a time of need. And, it has helped me crystallize my support system, and who I WANT in my life – the types of people, and friends, and well, now, men that I date.

On that first point – I’ve had some amazing friends and family step up to the plate and have been there for me in amazing ways…from just listening, to letting me cry, to laughing with me, and reveling in my dating shenanigans, to just being there quietly for me, not overbearing, not pushing their advice or past experiences on me, but truly being supportive in the ways I needed it. Holding back when I needed space, and being right there with me when I need them most.

I have also realized that sometimes you DO “outgrow” relationships or friendships and that’s a natural evolution sometimes. From these realizations, I now surround myself with geunine people – those that love and care for me and are real. Nothing worse in my mind than being fake or dishonest, and I don’t really think I would have seen it, had I not gone through the emotional rollercoaster than has been 2009. Not to say that one must get divorced or have a stressful life situation impact them, but for me, that has been one positive offshoot – genuine people, and, being more genuine myself.

In terms of dating, I have seen first-hand lots of what I call “mis-intentions” or saying ONE thing and doing ANOTHER. It sort of smacked me in the face at first, but now, I realize that some guys are full of BS (women too, I know!) and if you take a step back, it’s easier to see that before it truly hits you upside the head.

So, I’m thankful for the small circle of family and friends – both near and far, both “real” and “online” (my blogger friends – you are part of this genuine circle!). Can I get a “cheers” to that?

 

It’s only fitting that leading into Thanksgiving, I do a few posts on things I am thankful for. Today? I am thankful for taking chances, and here’s a few of the things I have taken chances on this year that have paid off pretty well:

• Selling my house…even though it was a short sale. It was a huge risk, to say the least, with no definite outcome. And it had several more cons than pros, but for me, it was the chance I needed to take to truly move on – out of a bad investment, and out of what was my marriage and the “marital home.” I have no doubt that it was the right chance to take, no matter the financial ramifications.
• Getting out of my comfort zone. My Group Kick training is LESS than a month away, and I’m still scared out of my mind, but also SO excited to get started. It’s going to stretch me out of my comfort zone constantly, and I need that. It’s the only way I grow.
• Keeping an open mind…by meeting new people, whether they appear to be my “type” or not. As I’ve mentioned before, I don’t know that I have a “type” but I have had some great dates recently with those that have not nececssarily appeared to BE my type. Take “the Russian” for example (boy #10) – surprise – we had our third date last night! It was awesome…we went to dinner and then saw 2012. Cemented the fact that there is definite, strong, chemistry, and I truly like being around him, so it’s off to a good start. I think date #4 may be looming as well (funny enough, he asked me out for later this week, the same day as I have tentitvely made plans with boy #9 for date #2! We’ll see where that goes – stay tuned!).

Let’s face it – I was not one to go out on a limb or take chances before “the situation” began, and now, I feel like I am not only more WILLING to take chances, I look for chances to take, whenever I can. It’s helping me grow, it’s making me happier, and I’m learning a heck of a lot!

Wow. I am SO excited for the holidays – Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s – and it is starting to hit me how happy I really am, and really optimistic about 2010. 2009 was a year of growth and renewal for me, but it had its fair share of ups and downs, obviously, as well. So, while last year the holidays were tough for me, as my emotions were so raw and I was just so sad, given how new the pending divorce was, at the time, this year, I am so excited to spend time with family and friends.

I was talking to my sister Jen about the holidays last night, and was sharing how happy I am going into the holidays, and thinking back to last Thanksgiving, when she made a really selfless decision for ME, to come spend Thanksgiving with me and my grandparents, while my brother-in-law went alone to his family’s Thanksgiving dinner. It meant the world to me, and to this day, I am so grateful she did that for me, because I don’t think I could have gotten through the day without her.

So, looking at this Thanksgiving, and the holidays in general, I’m happy to also have the freedom to go whereever I want (rather than in years past, have to split time with my now-ex in-laws in CT., and my own family), when I want. It feels good to be able to do that, and get the most out of the holidays this year in particular. I have a lot to be thankful for, and will use some of this week’s posts to talk about all that I’m thankful for.

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On a side note, I’m also looking forward to Thanksgiving as I am running my first 5-miler race with my sister Jess and my brother-in-law. Last year, I remember watching them run it and wonder how they do it, as I had never run a step before, let alone run. I love a good workout but running was always my stumbling point. I started running in February and have worked my way up to a handful of 5Ks, and am looking forward to conquering a longer 5-mile run! I’ve been doing it weekly, leading into it, so I think – and hope – I am ready!

I think I need to admit myself to Overthinkers Anonymous, or maybe I have a point – you be the judge!

So, similar to what Snarkbutt Divorced actually blogged about this week – around dating more than one person and being a bit uncomfortable with that, in a sense – I am sort of grappling with this as well. In two ways, for two reasons.

First, I have two dates coming up this week (I won’t specify when, for the jinx factor!) – #3 with boy #10 and #2 with boy #9 – and I’m looking forward to both, because these guys are SO different, and I’m curious how they’ll play out. I’m not so much uncomfortable with going out on a couple of dates with both simultaneously (I call that a blessing! LOL!), but more because why doesn’t that stop me from browsing the dating sites still??

There is another guy I am chatting with on Ok Cupid that is intriguing, though he may be more on the quiet side like boy #7 (the nurse), which is fine, but why do I keep looking when I have my hands full at the moment? I feel like I should see how these two play out first and then move ahead with any others that come up, but the other part of me worries about the “what if” factor - that small nagging question in my mind, that “what if” I don’t strike up a convo with a guy that interests me on match.com or Ok Cupid because I “have my hands full” when they could be the right guy for me?

Like I’ve said – I am having fun with this and not expecting to find the next “one” but it’s the overthinker in me that wonders if I should keep my options open by continuing to check out my “top matches” everyday and seeing who, if anyone, is emailing me (and vice versa, emailing any that interest me), or stick with what I’ve got going right now – which is great, don’t get me wrong – and see how those play out first. I hem and haw with it, and overthink way too much.

Thoughts??

Warmly,

Overthinking Ollie

Happy quote Friday everyone! It has been quite the week and I’ve gotten some really valuable insight from many of you on this week’s blogs, so I thought this sort of captured the week, but also in terms of some of the conversations going on here:

“Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.”

Being divorced puts things into perspective and really crystallized a lot for me – as I have said many, many times before. And I have been really enjoying some good rapport with seveal of my blog “friends” – The Quest for T, Snarkbutt Divorced (of course!), Student Mama and Big Little Wolf’s Daily Plate of Crazy – each with their own unique – yet “shared” perspective – on the various stages of divorce and life both before and after. There is so much to say about how eye-opening it is, and the a-ha moments I come across all the time – from traveling alone, to realizing being divorced isn’t “that” big a deal to anyone else looking in, to overcoming challenges with more vigor and strength than I ever thought possible – and I see these a-ha moments in my blog “friends” blogs on a daily basis and just want to jump through the computer and high-five them, hug them, or just jump up and down because I can TOTALLY relate.

Anyway, this quote just summarizes this nicely, because it’s not always so much about the challenge itself, but the journey to overcoming it that is the real “story.” I encourage you to read some of the feedback and comments on my blog posts this week – there are some goodies. And, thanks for reading and contributing and sharing this journey with me. I can’t thank you all enough – this is such a rewarding project for me, and I look forward to it daily!

Well, this post was *supposed* to go up last night or this morning, but I had it in draft mode, go figure (so, I’ll post two for today because after all, it IS Quote Friday!!)

So, it’s been a long but short three days of travel. Short because three days isn’t really that long, but long because the days and nights were VERY long (the time difference didn’t help matters!). From my earlier post this week on traveling alone for the first time since my “pre-divorce” days, I’ve had some more observations and thoughts. Here goes:

• I really, really, really relish my alone time. I know I’ve said this before, but it was highly noticable on this trip considering I was with my boss and clients ALL day and ALL night (basically from 7:30 am until the wee hours of the morning). By the time I got back to my hotel, I was exhausted, sure, but just really enjoyed the peace and quiet. I’m a people person, but I’m finding I value that decompression mode of silence much more each and every day.
• Divorce happens. A lot. Of the 15 or so people in attendance in the meetings I was in (global comms planning meeting with a client of mine, including folks from EMEA, APAC and the US), there were at least three other divorcees (plus another, which I’ll get into in a bit), and one of which is about my age, spunky, fun, cute and so normal. Made me feel like I’m not that alone in being divorced at 30 (and hey, I can call myself cute once in awhile, right? Without sounding ego?? Becuase we all know I am NOT!).
• I can keep up with the best of them – even if I’m the only woman in the group. At one point during the evening last night, it was me, my boss, my client, and a product marketing guy from my client’s organization. At a bar/club, having some drinks and chatting. Looking back, I would have freaked out in a situation like that – being the only woman with a group of men? Me? Please. I would have clammed up. But I didn’t – I had a great time, I felt comfortable, and realized that I can keep up with the best of them, without feeling like the odd (wo)man out.

One funny tidbit…as mentioned above, there were quite a few divorcees, including one of the product marketing guys (see bullet above). Once he knew I was also recently divorced, we got into chatting, about dating sites, dealing with being single again etc. And, he’s from this area too, and he was definitely flirting, which sort of weirded me out considering he’s a bit older than me (not by THAT much, maybe 6-8 years?), but also because it was almost as if he was flirting because we had THAT in common. Divorce. Or, maybe he just felt comfortable talking about it since he’s still “recovering” from it. It was just weird, but amusing at the same time.

So, there you have it. A few thoughts on the last few days. I had a good time, it wasn’t AS tiring as I thought, I had some great California wine (of course) and now, am looking forward to getting home and kicking off a good weekend ahead.

The last time I traveled alone was about two weeks before “the situation” began, and it was a business trip I took to Dallas. My first trip taking a plane by myself (believe it or not!), first time hailing a cab, finding my hotel, making my way to the conference I had to go to, first time staying in a hotel by myself. I look back on that time and remember being absolutely petrified, scared out of my mind, hating that I didn’t know where I was going and didn’t have Pete to be the “assertive one” to get us around. Looking back also on saying goodbye to Pete at the airport, I was a wreck, sad, scared, not wanting to leave, and he wasn’t too emotional (he would usually be just as sad as me), and I just thought he was being supportive and trying to give me confidence. Of course, it was probably because of all the doubts in his mind about what he was (or was not!) feeling about our marriage.

Looking at where I am now, while this is the first trip I’ve traveled alone (basically. my boss is coming, but not on the way home), I am not NEARLY as petrified (partially because I’ve traveled quite a bit on my own, with friends and family, but not with a significant other), I have basically looked forward to the trip (except for lack of sleep!), and I don’t have that sense of dread I used to. It feels like a huge leap for me, and I’m so glad I’ve grown so much across the board since this all began. I haven’t really had an “a-ha” moment lately on the post-divorce journey (perhaps a good thing – a sign of solid moving on-ness!), but this one feels pretty awesome (and, to be honest, looking back, Pete wasn’t really that assertive, he just appeared to be, since I had not an assertive bone in my body! He’s middle of the road, in that regard, I think, which is fine, but I saw it so differently then).

Funny how yet again – perception is NOT reality. I’m stronger than I thought, just didn’t give myself the opportunity to prove it.