So, it’s been two days since brainy blonde called it quits. I’ve had two days to reflect on what I’m calling “close encounter with potential relationship” and have quite a few takeaways – some surprising, some not. I find that the more I date, the more I realize what I do want and specific things I don’t. Sure, that sounds like a “no-duh” revelation, but coming out of this “close encounter” there were things about brainy blonde/boy #9 I liked, but a few things that I didn’t. And they weren’t really personality conflicts, just things I don’t want whenever it is I do enter into a relationship.
So, here goes…
- Meet me halfway. Our schedules didn’t mesh all too well. He’s got a busy life, and right now, so do I as well (Group Kick is taking over my life, not that I’m complaining!). I think it’s important when you are in a relationship that you make time for each other. Not every single day, necessarily, but I think it shows effort when you take the time to give a quick call, or an email/text, if you can’t squeeze in a call. I want someone that meets me halfway on that, so I don’t feel like I’m making more of the effort than him.
- I like to be mentally challenged. This was something boy #9 was good at – he asked good questions, thought-provoking questions. I dig that, and I want that in a man. Hand in hand with that, I like trying new things and having someone around that is not only willing to try new things, but also suggests new things to do. For example, the zoo. That was a lot of fun. Some guys might think it’s cheesy and wouldn’t even consider it. But it was different, more off the beaten path, and I like that. Open-mindedness is good.
- A little romance goes a long way. Now, we didn’t date long enough, necessarily, where romance really entered the equation too much, and I’m not sure if that’s because we were “just dating” or because he wasn’t romantic, generally. Maybe that’s something I’ll learn as I continue on the dating journey I’ve entangled myself in, and maybe I’ll find that there SHOULD have been a bit more of a romantic flavor to our dates. Sure, there was attraction/chemistry etc., but being devoid of romance…is that bad? Or normal that early into dating? All I know is, I want romance, and I hope I find a man that offers that. I guess I believe in chivalry just a wee bit, I’ll admit that!
- I want to be pursued…just a little bit. This isn’t necessarily heavily specific to boy #9, but I want to feel pursued by a man, just a little bit. I think that ties into the romance factor, and making time for one another. I don’t want to be the pursuer all the time, it’d be refreshing if I were the one pursued. Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me and I start going down the “maybe I’m going after guys out of my league or something and that’s why I’m the pursuer” which is negative and not healthy, and I really don’t actually THINK that…which leads to my last revelation.
- I’m worth it and I deserve the best. Damn straight. I deserve all of these things in a man/relationship and I know it will happen when it’s meant to (I just wish it would hurry up and happen!). I just need to remember that, and remind myself of that.
So, there you have it…my reflections. I guess I learned more than I thought I did. What do you think?
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On a side note, I’m debating my match.com subscription. It ends on Monday, and I may not renew it. When I was dating boy #9, I wasn’t going to renew, not only because of that, but because I kept seeing the same guys over and over again. Then, when things ended with boy #9, I had a sudden change of heart, that maybe I’d keep it. But after browsing the site the last few days, I’m underwhelmed…not much has changed. So, I think I’m leaning towards canceling it for now. Stay tuned for my decision 😉
To Be Determined 
January 9, 2010 at 4:56 pm
This is a great list. I’ve missed all the happenings in the last several days!
I just have to say, after my past week (a very stressful one), I will certainly need some massive reflection to put into perspective what has happened and what it means for me. Yet, here you have done it so precisely and eloquently – a very sure sign that you have the strength and perspective to make the most of the dating journey!
Keep doing what your doing! You are awesome!
January 9, 2010 at 5:04 pm
Thank you Student Mama (just read your blog to see what’s been going on with you – hope you are ok!) – that means more than you know!! The reflections took a few days to get to me, but they are there now, and I feel more confident going into the next potential relationship/dating thing, that I more clearly know what I want, what I will compromise, and what I won’t.
January 9, 2010 at 7:39 pm
#5…absolutely you deserve the best!
January 10, 2010 at 9:29 am
thanks mom…not that you’re biased or anything hehe 😉
January 10, 2010 at 12:10 pm
Good list. I, too, have discovered more about myself from dating and near misses lately. Growth is good.
January 10, 2010 at 2:54 pm
Thanks Nicki – that’s the way I should look at it – every dating experience adds to growth. Well put.
January 10, 2010 at 3:16 pm
Love this list, so telling isn’t it? The romance and chivalry bit is interesting – with Pete, it was something you guys didn’t really have, it worked for you at the time, but looking back, it sort was lacking in a way, huh? There is definitely something to be said for it, I truly believe, I also truly believe you deserve nothing but the best! I wish I could find him for you 😉
January 10, 2010 at 4:16 pm
So, I really hate that I can’t get over here during the week to post comments like I’d like and I have to do all my catching up on weekends. I’ve missed so much!!
Right after my divorce, once I knew divorce proceedings where going to be final and I had a deadline, I started dating. People told me I shouldn’t but I didn’t listen. I found that dating helped me learn so much about me and what I really was looking for and needed and what I didn’t want. There have been times since then that I have benched myself just to take a breather and heal after a particularly painful breakup. It is all a learning process. Like you, during and after each relationship, I had to reflect about what worked for me and what didn’t work. I think this is vital, especially for me, because I made two very, very poor errors in judgement on the marital scene based on simply not knowing myself very well. I won’t be doing that again any time soon. Each relationship is a gift, even if it doesn’t work out. You’ve learned something and you know yourself better.
As for the Match.com thing. I’ve been on nearly all of them and I loved Match and hated eHarmony. I just heard of a new site that is free and taking the internet dating world by storm. It is called okcupid.com. Try it out and let me know what you think. 😀
January 10, 2010 at 4:42 pm
Thank you Wild Mind, thank you!! 🙂 Your words are always so insightful. You’re right – “benching” yourself between dating experiences is a good way to regroup. I’m thinking maybe I need that, even just short term. As for okcupid.com – I am dabbling in that too! It’s interesting, though for me, jury’s still out. Though that is how I met boy #10 (who’s since gone by the wayside).
January 11, 2010 at 4:37 pm
#1–I love your list. I know it really does kind of hurt that “the golden boy” 😛 broke it off, but this is exactly the kind of great lesson you can take from each date or lack thereof. For example, I had a fella from eHarmony who was nuts about me, wanted to call or email or chat all the time, but who’s ex still lived with him and he was constantly telling me all about what she was doing! Well, I added to my list: “Must be completely free of his ex physically and emotionally!” Hey–they can’t be available for me if they are still entangled with her! 😛
Anyway, I’m still sorry it hurt, but this list is great and a very good way to recognize the things for you that WORKED with this relationship and the things that DIDN”T WORK. I also have a agree with you on all of the things you listed–very good, healthy items on your list. May I suggest one or two more to consider:
* Spiritual Life. This can be an important aspect for some people and it was for me. My ex and I did not agree spiritually and that can be tough on a couple, so that might be something to consider.
* Personality Type. Again, my ex and I were the exact opposite Myers-Briggs personality types, and there’s nothing wrong with differences except that it means that the way we gathered and interpreted and communicated information was on opposite ends of the scale–it always felt like he never heard me. Thus, for #2 I wanted someone who was at the very least closer to my M-B personality type so we “spoke the same language.”
January 11, 2010 at 5:00 pm
Thanks Cindy – once again, with some amazing thoughts! I completely agree with spirituality – I think they have to at least be “complementary” and not complete ends of the spectrum. Not make or break, to me, to be say, Christian and he is Catholic (my ex and I were in that boat), but to be Christian and Jehovah’s Witness – that’s a huge difference! Thanks again for reading and providing so much thought in your response!
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