The fourth in a series of posts on the beginning of the end of my marriage, and a look back at our relationship, from meeting, dating, engagement, and the in-laws (that could be an entire blog in itself, but that’s a story for another day…!).
The hardest part of the early beginnings of my divorce was coping with the overwhelming feeling of loss. I hadn’t just – in little more than a week or two – I’d not only lost my husband, but my best friend and support system, something I had for the last almost 10 years. How do you bounce back from that? Not even just bounce back from that, but how do you even take one step forward from that? The loss, the pain, the sadness and the fear that I felt was all-consuming. I felt like I was dead, a walking zombie, with no soul, no feelings, no emotion left to give.
Pete was my everything. When I was sad, I turned to Pete. When I was happy, I turned to Pete. When I needed advice, I turned to Pete. When I wanted comfort, or a hug, or a kiss, or love, I turned to Pete. To laugh, I turned to Pete. To SHARE (anything, life, experiences, happiness), I turned to Pete. Now, that world was gone…he went from being my best friend, husband, and everything to essentially my enemy (for lack of a better word).
The betrayal I felt was so hard to cope with. The trust I’d built up in him…gone. The love I had for him…was hard to see anymore, because he wasn’t HIM anymore. But at the same time, I couldn’t fathom that he WASN’T him anymore. I would look at him, and want so badly, more than anything in the world, for him to snap out of it, and hold me, and tell me he was sorry, that he loved me, that he wanted to be with me forever.
But that didn’t happen.
Some might think I didn’t try hard enough to “win” him back, or “keep” him, or fight for my marriage. But I tried. I tried so hard. I suggested we rekindle, maybe it was just that. I tried to suggest counseling, he wouldn’t do it. I tried whatever I could…but he was unwavering. And because of that, because he was so willing to just GIVE UP, and walk away, I lost respect for him…if he couldn’t respect me, our marriage, or our life by TRYING, then he wasn’t the man I thought he was.
And I deserved better.
So, I made the decision not to try anymore to retain my marriage…because, no matter what, it would never be the same between us. Never. It was already too far gone, I was already too hurt, and he was already too far gone. I knew it was going to be a long road, but at the end of it all, I knew the one thing I wanted to retain, was our friendship.
And, not fighting him, not forcing him to stay (which would also be pathetic on my part, and I am not pathetic…if he doesn’t want me, then he doesn’t deserve me, and I’m not going to beg. It’s as simple as that, at the end of the day), and figuring out how best to separate, and figure out what we’d do with our assets ultimately led to the best result for both of us – friendship.
From writing this series this week, my mind has been right there, in late 2008, just reliving the hardest months (and ensuing year) of my life…and that feeling of losing my best friend comes rushing back, and I realize how very happy I am that we ARE friends, and that we understand each other. We laugh, we share, we still have fun together. That means a lot to me.
And some may think that’s crazy, but it works for us. And I couldn’t be happier and have more closure than that.