Okay, before I launch into the purpose of this post (hence the title), I want to first say that that despite it all, I’ve actually had a pretty fantastic weekend, complete with my brother in law Josh’s 30th birthday dinner, a great girlie day with my college roommate spent at IKEA, meeting TIAGO, and great weather (upper 60s, sunny!).
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I had a little bit of an emotional meltdown today, and I’m not really sure if it was one thing that brought it on, or several little things that added up to one big frustrated, blubbery mess. Here are some of the little things I think grew into one big thing…
…feeling in the minority this weekend. Hanging with my sisters and their husbands, we had a good time, but at one point, I looked around, and realized that I was in the minority…alone, not with anyone in my life, let alone a husband. Jen is expecting her first child (yay!), and Jess and Scott are stronger than ever as well…talking about sleeping without Jess (when she travels for work, for example), he said he can’t sleep well without her. It struck me – I don’t even know what that feeling would feel like, or if I ever will feel like that. I’ve gotten so used to sleeping alone, by myself, and dealing with it (it was so scary for me a year and a half ago!) that I don’t even know anything different.
…watching the turning points in my friends’ lives. Similar to being in the minority, I look around and see pending marriage (my college roommate, a couple of my friends, BDF and BDFF), new couplings, new love fostering, and I wonder – again – when will it be my time? These are the times when my patience pants are lost in my closet and I really need to find them, because I truly do have faith in God that that man is out there for me and I’m not going to settle until I find him. But I still have my moments of want. That’s normal, I think, right?
…Group Kick frustrations. It’s the never-ending saga of when will the light switch flip on and stay on?? I’m improving, I know I am, but I need to sustain it, and in two Group Kick practices this weekend, I’ve just been frustrated a bit, and felt my inhibitions rising to the top. I need to focus on my growth, and doing this for me, and focusing on BEING GREAT, because I know I can…I just need to will it to the forefront and keep it there. We launch the new release this week (woo! the YouTube I posted yesterday has a glimpse) and in another week, I retape. And I MUST BE GREAT. No pressure…
…patio set be damned! I was SO excited to finally get a patio set and was bound and determined to put it together all by myself, with my trusty little toolset, and I was chugging along just fine until the flippin bolt wrench provided in the packaging refused to tighten the bolts. I tried, and tried, and sweated, and yelled and tried some more. Nada. I texted Pete to ask him what I was doing wrong. I was frustrated for even calling him about it because I wanted to do it myself – I even told him that, and he laughed. He wasn’t able to help. I went to Home Depot to buy a better wrench and got the wrong one (and was feeling intimidated in the stupid store – it’s the one store I feel intimidated in, because I feel as though I stick out like a sore thumb, even though I don’t and I’m just thinking of stereotypes!). Thankfully, my brother-in-law Scott came to the rescue and finished putting it together – how’s it look? (just needs some flowers, outdoor lights and other fixin’s and will be ready for lots of parties!)
All of this sort of came to a head for me today…I cried a few times (and I haven’t cried in ages – big rock for me there!), I told my sister Jess that I’m sick of doing it all alone, I’m sick of “just dealing,” and I’m sick of “coping” – it is moments like that that I just need to FEEL it, let it out, and then I feel better.
And, I know a huge thing weighing on me today is my Nonna’s birthday would have been today…and I miss her so much, and can’t believe it’s almost been a year since her passing. She would have had just the right words to say, and she would look at me, nod her head, and then not say a word, and I would just see it in her eyes, and know…she loves me, she has faith in me, and she’s proud of me. I can feel her and know she’s watching.
So with that, I’ll end this lengthy, somewhat all-over-the-place post with two things – this pity party for one is over…I feel better now “blogging it out” and second, a quote I borrowed from Quarter for Her Thoughts that fits exactly how I’m feeling about my Nonna:
“If I had a single flower for every time I think about you, I could walk forever in my garden.” -Claudia Ghandi
April 25, 2010 at 5:07 pm
I was going to say Hi on G-chat but looks like I missed you. Your patio furniture looks great! Sorry you’re going through a bit of a meltdown today… I normally chalk mine up to PMS and they’re gone in a day or so, haha. I totally understand the Nonna thing too, my Gram’s birthday is May 9th which is conveniently a Sunday so I might go for a drive home to the cemetary for a little visit. It’s a small thing, but it makes me feel better.
Anyway, I hope your week gets better and you can hit me up on G-chat anytime… I stay signed in on my blackberry 24/7. One could say I’m slightly obsessed.
April 25, 2010 at 5:50 pm
Aw, woulda loved to say hi (am on now! ha) – and normally, I too would chalk it up to PMS, but sadly, not the case, just a whole bunch of one-off’s hitting me at once, I guess. I feel better, for the most part, am hoping to just wake up tomorrow feeling renewed. Grandmothers are special, aren’t they? I need to visit my Nonna’s grave as well, but somehow I just can’t bring myself to…maybe soon.
April 25, 2010 at 6:31 pm
It’s moments like these that I wish like nothing else that I could do two things. 1 – peek around the corner to see when and how you find your “other half;” I know he’s out there, I just wish I could point you to him, because you deserve to feel that love, affection and adoration. 2 – I wish I could just hug it out of you when you get into one of those moments where everything feels so frustrating and difficult, and well, old. A year and a half in and you’ve come so incredibly far, yet you have a moment like you did today and you feel frustrated and over it. I wish I could take it away and make it “right.” BUT, in both cases, I know that I can’t fix everything for you because its not my place, and like you said, you need to feel these things in order to move on and on and on. I know this, I just don’t like it much (overprotective sister pants are on). As for Kick – we got this, we do. Like Scott said – it’s our time to LET OURSELVES BE GREAT, and dammit, we WILL BE GREAT. And no, no pressure, this is our time to celebrate our successes. We’ve damn well earned it. Ok, I’m done now. Sorry for the long-ass comment.
April 25, 2010 at 6:37 pm
thanks sis – if you could take it away, I would gladly allow you too
But this is one of the VERY few things we can’t share – and I need to figure this out myself. you are as supportive as you possibly can, and I know it makes you feel helpless, but you are not – you are helpFUL always. XO sis – and let’s go get fierce, shall we?
April 25, 2010 at 6:49 pm
Every party needs a pity! oh wait… lol
April 25, 2010 at 6:50 pm
“That’s why she invited you, party pooper! Party pooper!”
April 25, 2010 at 6:52 pm
LOL! no blo fighting, hey now
just kidding, every party does NOT need pity, it needs fun and happiness 
April 25, 2010 at 7:20 pm
Hugs to you girl. My sister has been feeling the same way this past week and we were talking about it last night actually. I honestly can’t imagine, I mean, I can try to imagine, but can’t really know what you’re going through. Just know that you are destined for greater things and things will get better for you. I love that quote by the way.
April 25, 2010 at 7:26 pm
aw, thanks heather, very heartfelt comment…especially since you know what Jess probably feels, the frustration of not knowing how to help (your sister), but wanting to. We’ll both get there – your sister, me – but sometimes you just gotta let the crap day happen and look forward to the next, right?
April 25, 2010 at 7:30 pm
I feel this today, too. I see couples in real life, couples in movies… and I wonder will I ever have that? Someone to rest my head in the crook of his neck? Someone to kiss me goodnight? I so want to believe that he is out there, that he is on his way, that I’m on my way to him. Each of us is one in a million and so is he.. wherever he is. On some days it is harder to keep the faith.
April 25, 2010 at 7:35 pm
thanks for visiting…and clearly we can relate to each other, huh? Some days are harder than others…today was harder, tomorrow will be better!
April 25, 2010 at 11:26 pm
Awww…that is such a sweet quote. Sorry you’re feeling a little down. I think it’s so good to cry sometimes. Just what the doctor ordered usually!
April 26, 2010 at 7:59 am
You’re right, sometimes that totally helps. I’m still feeling a little frustrated but think I can shake it!
April 26, 2010 at 3:34 am
Hugs to you, my friend. Virtual for now, but heartfelt, nonetheless.
April 26, 2010 at 8:00 am
thanks INRIS!
April 26, 2010 at 5:53 am
Don’t beat yourself up too much. We all have our moments. And never let Home Depot intimidate you. I once went in there after lodging the head of a toilet brush in the toilet and had to tell my story to three different departments while they paraded me around to figure out how to help me. Long story. The moral is…never clean angry.
Asking for help is never a sign of weakness. Being too stubborn to ask for help when you need it is.
Big hugs!
PS. One day, you’ll find a man that can’t sleep with out you. And that man, when he holds you at night, will feel like home. His very presence will soothe your soul. Give it time…and wear your patience pants.
April 26, 2010 at 8:00 am
aw Nicki, that’s just what I needed to read – especially the PS part. You’re the best, thank you!! XO! (and haha, I may need to hear this story about cleaning angry!)
April 26, 2010 at 9:01 am
I remember in the fall after my divorce I was raking leaves and trying to burn them. I couldn’t get the fire started, I’d never had to start a fire myself. I didn’t know how, that’s what I had a husband for. I called my mom and she tried to walk me through how to get a fire started, then I found myself standing in my driveway, cell phone to my ear, sobbing and yelling “I don’t want to do this stuff alone!”
I wanted my divorce, I asked to be alone, but still, some days being alone isn’t all I dreamed it would be, in fact, a lot of days its not. But I adjust, I learn, I cry when I need to and I put one foot in front of the other.
I always try to remember that all feelings are temporary; the bad feelings and even the good feelings, so take them in and remind yourself that nothing lasts forever.
April 26, 2010 at 9:05 am
thank you so much – you are right – it is an adjustment, and feelings are temporary…especially the bad feelings or sad feelings. I’ve done so well in terms of being on my own, that it felt like a huge setback for me, having this pity party of sorts, so I was partially just mad at myself for letting it get to me! Feeling better today.
April 26, 2010 at 9:40 am
Don’t be too hard on yourself – everyone needs to have days where they feel sad or frustrated! I recently posted something so similar to this — the frustrations, feeling sad then being mad about feeling sad, adjusting, impatience, missing a family member– all of it. I really do believe though at some point soon you’ll look back and understand it all. On days where I feel like this, I find it helps to sit down and write out some recent accomplishments or little things I feel proud about. It really helps to change my perspective and knock me back into my regular optimistic mood. Just from following your blog for a short time it seems like you’d have a lot on this list (Group Kick, getting yourself out there and dating, ending a relationship when you knew it wasn’t right for you, etc).
Anyway, hope your week is starting off well! And here’s a quote I read recently that seemed to fit these types of time periods in life:
“The greatness comes not when things go always good for you. But the greatness comes when you’re really tested, when you take some knocks, some disappointments, when sadness comes.” – Richard M. Nixon
April 26, 2010 at 9:56 am
THANK YOU so much – that was some wonderful insight and what I needed as well, it’s easy to lose sight of what’s important, and of progress made, and I think I do need to just remember all that I’ve done and how far I have come too. And I love the quote, may use it for quote Friday
April 26, 2010 at 12:30 pm
[...] inspiration | Tags: Blogging, Dating, frustrations | Leave a Comment After yesterday’s pity party for one and a ton of really good feedback from my IRL and blog family (thank you a million times over!), I [...]
April 26, 2010 at 12:30 pm
I do the pity party thing too sometimes – I remember getting on facebook and having all my friends say things like “my hubby and I are out on a date!” and it just made me want to hurl. You know stuff like that. It’s just hard to watch it sometimes when you are sitting there with yourself. I totally get it. I think that’s why people watch soap operas sometimes. So they can see people who have it worse than they do. It somehow helps a little
just so you can say, “wow, I’m not THAT screwed up!” haha
April 26, 2010 at 12:49 pm
HA, good idea, I should go watch a soap opera
No, but you are totally right – sometimes seeing the cutsie FB updates or whatever it may be, it’s still super cute and I’m happy for my friends and family, but it still gives me a little pang of “i want that” – and then other times, I’m happy as a clam being alone. Just depends, I guess!!
April 26, 2010 at 8:51 pm
I’m slow on the responding side sorry. I’m glad I’m not that only one that has those days. Sometimes you can’t just hold it all together. I tried hanging pictures a few weeks ago by myself and was reduced to tears. Sometimes you just have to call for back up!
April 27, 2010 at 7:37 am
no worries Shannon! Yea, sometimes it’s little things like hanging a picture that can do that, isn’t it? Damn patio set…good thing it’s all set now
April 28, 2010 at 11:28 am
Babe, I’ve been thinking about you so much over the past few days, but haven’t been able to put my thoughts into words. I still probably can’t, but I wanted to try…
You are so strong that I think we sometimes forget how much it SUCKS to be alone sometimes. I mean, there are plenty of times when alone is better, but sometimes, you just want someone else. For company, as a listening ear, or to help deal with some frustrating situation.
I so wish that you (and our other bestest single girl friends) will find your perfect partner…not a perfect person, but the perfect person for you. I pray for you guys all of the time, and I’m not going to stop. I just want you to know that I’m thinking of you, and will always be here for you…now AND after you find him.
Mwah!
Nene
April 28, 2010 at 12:28 pm
Aww, you are soooo sweet – that was the most touching comment, ever, and I don’t even know what to say…I feel so fulfilled and loved by friends like you that I don’t FEEL alone most times, I really don’t, but your words ring so true, because the perfect person for ME is out there – he may not be perfect, but for ME, he will be. Great way of putting it friend! XOXO! Can’t wait for this weekend’s debauchery
May 20, 2010 at 8:56 am
[...] “against” Quote Friday for this one, and a quote I mentioned on my Nonna’s birthday as well, the following quote…because I think about her often, I [...]
December 22, 2010 at 2:24 pm
[...] …of pity parties and clarity. [...]