How many times do you have to hear:
“you’ll find it when you’re not looking for it”
or
“everything happens for a reason”
before you want to just shake everyone who says it and say “but that’s not good enough?”
Sometimes, it’s exactly what I want and need to hear, other times, it feels like a “placeholder” comment when there is nothing else to say or no other advice but to “wait it out” and sometimes these statements tend to feel empty. And other times still, it’s a comment to something I’ve said IRL or blogged about in a completely humorous or funny way (last night’s post is a great example of a post fully intending to be funny, not serious, and I loved all the comments and feedback, you guys rock!) and I still get those types of comments sometimes and wonder if I just come off the wrong way.
While I completely and utterly believe these statements - I really do - I also think that said too often, or just tossed in “for good measure” tends to get old. Fast. As if I haven’t heard it before, as if I don’t believe it, as if I don’t blog about it (quite!) often. Now, I hope this isn’t coming across as a rant, because I don’t mean it to be whatsoever.
I am thankful to be blessed with a family of IRL friends and family and blog friends that I really couldn’t ask for more. It’s just something I’ve picked up on (and in part as part of a very funny Facebook convo I had last night!) and become much more aware of it. After hearing it so often, maybe I’m just hypersensitive to it to the point that it feels like an insult once in awhile. As in “no duh. I get it. I know it will happen when I least expect it, but can’t I still want for it, or think about it, or talk about it? Is that okay?”
It’s ironic to me that this post idea popped into my head in the last few days considering that my dating life really isn’t at the top of my mind at the moment. I’m not even really harping on it in my head, I’m trying to release as much as possible, and well, I’m just busy enjoying my summer, and that’s clearly helping too…but I think this topic and these statements are universal to a lot of situations – to loss of job, to divorce, to break-ups, to friendship woes, to financial strains, and yea, to finding love…but I hope anyone reading this actually can relate and agrees…am I off-base? Am I being too sensitive?
**To be honest, I actually had this idea for a post to be completely humorous, because I know there are many cliches that everyone says and hears all the time and it becomes a running joke, but this turned into a post that I ended up thinking more and more about…and the more I think about it, the more the worrier in me wonders if anyone will even “get” what I mean. I hope you do. It’s just an observation. It’s definitely NOT meant at anyone, as I would never, ever blog on something that should be spoken directly to someone if that were the case. So, after reading, I hope you still love me, friends!**
July 27, 2010 at 7:11 pm
I still love you girl! I think I understand what you’re getting at. It’s pretty much why I had made that comment to Sarah. You just hear it all the time, but sometimes it’s just ’cause life sucks. Bad things happen. Now, I do think that some things do happen for a reason and I also think that a huge part of the good is based on what we do ourselves, how we ourselves take a bad situation and turn it around (if that makes sense….)
July 27, 2010 at 7:18 pm
*phew* glad you still love me
(this was the post I got inspired by from Facebook, funny how that happens…). And yes, these statements are SO true and I wouldn’t change the bad things that have happened because they eventually give birth to good, better things, but sometimes, it’s something I just know and don’t always *need* to hear it as much as I appreciate the support…if that makes sense?!
July 27, 2010 at 7:20 pm
Of course Jo – I totally get what you mean and I’m sure the rest of your IRL and bloggy friends will get it to, cuz you are the popular chick on the block and they all know you by now.
But PS – even though I know sometimes those cliches feel empty, sometimes I personally don’t know WHAT to say and I know that it’s ok to say nothing at all and that can be just as good but still – you know me, the overprotective “big sister” pants are on, I just want to FIX all the time versus letting you go through it, feel it, release. But you knew that already. 
July 27, 2010 at 7:24 pm
thanks sis, glad you get it and I know I KNOW that sometimes you just want to say something or to fix it or offer some comfort and that doesn’t mean stop, or stop saying these things, it’s just that sometimes just being there is enough. XO. Signed, popular chick (just kidding, srsly).
July 27, 2010 at 7:53 pm
You are not alone in this feeling. Also, I find that the thing when that particular phrase is said, it is said by those who already have what we are “waiting” to have.
I mean, if the statement were universal to everything, then I will find that supermodel nymphomaniac, that winning lottery ticket, that mansion on the ocean selling for a case of beer, and the fucking Ferrari that I will be getting as severance should I ever leave my job.
Sometimes I just want to pimp slap those fools.
July 27, 2010 at 7:56 pm
Dammit, I meant I will find those things when I am not looking for them.
July 28, 2010 at 8:27 am
Ha, DD, you’re a riot. And yea, I agree that is often said by those not going through – at the time – what we may be going through, so it is easier to say and believe when it’s happened to you, than when you’re in the waiting zone.
July 27, 2010 at 7:57 pm
oh, empty platitudes. even when people mean well, sayings like this are the empty beer bottles on the beach of life: full of nothing and in the way. sigh. but sometimes it’s really hard to know what to say. it really is. so we rely on place-fillers like these. sigh.
July 28, 2010 at 8:22 am
Glad you see where I am coming from, Magnolia…it’s not often that I actually do feel they are empty platitudes, just sometimes. It’s hard NOT to say anything when someone is struggling with something, but sometimes it is the best thing to do.
July 27, 2010 at 10:29 pm
Yeah, I really think that most of us don’t like feeling helpless with people and so we offer long-cliched bits of wisdom… because we can think of nothing else to say!
And yes, it is perfectly ok to “want” and be upset that it ain’t happening fast enough! I think we all get this most of all!
July 28, 2010 at 8:23 am
You’re right T – and I am totally guilty of this too, which is partially why I posted this – because while I do agree with these statements, I know I have said them to others struggling with something and I realize that sometimes it can come across emptier than intended. It’s hard to feel helpless when all you want to do is help.
July 28, 2010 at 6:48 am
Of course I still love you!
Have a nice day! (Oh, and come leave a comment on today’s post. It’s a giveaway!)
July 28, 2010 at 8:23 am
Thanks Nicki – Phew, I was worried you wouldn’t love me anymore
I will check out your post now too!
July 28, 2010 at 7:40 am
Those two don’t really bother me. Usually at the point those are brought up, we’ve already been discussing my dating life. I know they act as thoughtful (well, kind of) words when someone can’t think of any other words. Now, the totally unprovoked, “Don’t worry, you’ll find someone someday!” from a good friend and the equally unprovoked, “Someone will love you someday” from my grandmother, those are a different story. Ouch!
July 28, 2010 at 8:24 am
Haha, yeah, those are tougher to handle for sure, especially the “someday” part – when that’s the last thing you want to hear, right??
July 28, 2010 at 9:19 am
I understand your frustration, and I think it often comes from people trying to talk you out of your feelings. People get uncomfortable around bad feelings and tend to want to fix it. But sometimes it’s alright to be grumpy and vent. You’re allowed to be impatient or annoyed or sad every once in a while, and you don’t want people discounting your feelings.
There’s a delicate balance between when you need a pep talk (“You can do it!”) and when you need empathy (“Yeah, that sucks”).
July 28, 2010 at 9:30 am
Thanks Snark, there IS a delicate balance – well put – way better put than how I wrote it here! I kind of just rambled and apologized for myself didn’t I?
Maybe you need to write my blog posts!
August 5, 2010 at 1:32 pm
I really like both the post and Snark’s comment. I think that there is a point to platitudes, but it’s not always what someone wants to hear. I think that most people looking for love/relationship happiness agree with you. And, hearing those types of lines ad nauseum gets very old, very quickly! xoxo
August 5, 2010 at 2:25 pm
Thank you cgb! I agree and loved Snark’s comments for those same reasons!
July 28, 2010 at 9:23 am
I totally know what you mean…sometimes what you really want to hear is “I’m sorry, that sucks” and THAT’S IT! Sometimes there is nothing that anyone can say that will be right and in those cases, they just shouldn’t say anything! ;-P
July 28, 2010 at 9:31 am
Thanks J – I figure you would totally know what I mean, and you’re right, sometimes you just DO want to hear I’m sorry that sucks, and leave it at that. Other times you do want more than that – as Snark noted above…XO!
July 28, 2010 at 9:54 am
I’ve heard those lines a million times. I’ve said them a million times. Each time I hear myself say “everything happens for a reason” or some other worn out line to a friend, I wonder how much of my saying that is really to convince myself that it is true?
July 28, 2010 at 10:02 am
Good point, I sometimes wonder that too. I do believe it, but sometimes it feels “less true” than others…or encouragement that is unfounded. If that makes sense.
July 28, 2010 at 10:38 am
Oh, yes…I can so relate to this!!
I understand that people say those things because they probably don’t know what else to say, and they are trying to be comforting. A lot of my friends who struggle with infertility get the same comments, and it’s frustrating to them, too. I think sometimes, though, people don’t understand that when we vent, we don’t always want to hear those things….sometimes, we just want someone to listen!
July 28, 2010 at 11:06 am
Thanks Holly for weighing in, and you bring up great points, especially for those going through something as extremely tough as infertility…sometimes you just need a shoulder to cry on or someone to vent to, not for advice, compliments, feedback etc.
July 28, 2010 at 1:38 pm
people say those things to make themselves feel better, or as another comment stated, because they don’t know what else to say. it is kind of cruel. i had a friend who recently moved in with her boyfriend tell me that i “needed to get right with being alone”. yeah, cause you really know what its like.
a week after my sister’s boyfriend was killed in a motorcycle accident, people she worked with said things like “it was God’s plan”, and “it was just his time”.
her situation was a tad more intense than ours. but the empty platitudes are the same.
and yeah, i guess i believe those empty platitudes, but is the last thing i want to hear when i’m acutely upset about being single.
July 28, 2010 at 1:52 pm
Yes – it’s when it is said at quite possibly the worst time, when it’s literally the last thing you want to hear, that it feels empty. For me, when it’s said with genuineness and comfort, that’s different, but when it’s just tossed out there, as an afterthought, that’s when it starts to get me a little.
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