I was talking to one of my sisters on the way home from work today, and was trying to think of a good blog post for tonight. I asked her for her opinion on changes she’s seen in me since last October and now, and she is still just amazed at my strength and turnaround (xoxo sisters!!), which I truly appreciate.
Anyway, as we were talking about “then” versus “now” we talked about a few particularly painful situations and suddenly, it all came rushing back and I got a wave of sadness, as if I were back in that body and mindset, and I immediately realized that I have come far, I know I have, but I still am not at a point where I can look back and talk about the darkest moments, because it is painful to look at myself then and see the pain, abandonment and weakness I felt (in my sister’s words – I was frail – and I guess I was…really bad state of mine) and as I write this, I am crying…for myself, for that person I was, and seeing the person I am now, and never wanting to feel that pain again. I guess that’s the one thing that scares me about ever loving again, risking the pain. And hopefully I overcome that and look at my friends that have gone through this and come out successfully, happier, and better off than ever before.