May 2009


Yesterday was an up and down day for me. I was all pumped up and ready to attempt asking CSB out, but failed, chicked out. And then I proceeded to beat myself up mentally all day long. I chickened out because a zillion thoughts ran through my head – I look like crap, I’m all sweaty, he’s going to say no, he probably thinks I’m ugly, he’s just being nice talking to me all the time etc etc etc. – I was my own worst enemy, placing seed upon seed of doubt into my head, something Joel Osteen is ALWAYS saying not to do, and I just broke every rule in the book!

I then began thinking all the pressure I was putting on myself, putting this whole thing on an unreachable pedestal, as if asking him out HAD to happen on Saturday, or bust. But you know what? I needed to take a step back and just let things happen the way they are meant to happen, and when it feels right, I am confident that I will make a move (or, even better, maybe he will!). Until then, I need to really look at myself and realize that it’s okay to be alone right now, I am worth it, and I have a lot to offer someone when it’s meant to happen.

Another thing that came out of trying to take a step back is the realiziation that when I do enter into a new relationship, I cannot take it for granted. I look at couples, holding hands, talking quietly about a funny joke, just BEING with each other (whether or not they are actually taking it for granted or not!) and I realize a) I REALLY miss that, and b) I don’t want to fall into the trap of taking it for granted – the little things…what I wouldn’t give to hold hands! It’s those little things that are often looked over in relationships and I refuse to ever do that.

Okay, enough rambling today – it’s been a beautiful weekend, really, and I just wish I wasn’t as self-depricating as I was this weekend (and I really enjoyed spin with CSB – more flirting today as he helped me with my new spin shoes – oh la la!)

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Sooo, in an earlier post this week, Pete told me he’s officially dating (not in so many words), which gave me that much more of a kick in the pants to want to do something about CSB instead of just pining over him! Sooo, I went to class, all ready to attempt to ask him out. While I – again – wussed out, I did get more intel, so all is not lost IMHO!

Deets I gathered (some goodies!):

  • he has two cats! score!! Love that he’s a cat person and not a dog person.
  • his job is right across from Fanueil Hall in Boston, he’s a manager, does some underwriting for property insurance etc. Smarty pants? nice.
  • he likes wine more than he likes beer! triple score. I think it’s so hot when a guy likes wine, let alone, likes it MORE than beer. He likes white, while I prefer red, but hey, no problem in my book! 😉
  • he was very curious when I told him I was selling my house. he asked – where are you moving? and I told him I’m staying here, just renting an apartment (which is what got us into the cat convo)

So, usual drill, we talked a lot before and after class, he told me what clip I needed for my new snazzy spin shoes and tomorrow he can show me how to use them…I really hope I have the guts tomorrow. I was thisclose, I really was, but the music was still super loud at the end of class and I wimped out, in case he didn’t hear what I said and then I’d have to repeat it. Mortifying. And yes, I realize I am overthinking. But that’s what I do. I fear rejection more than anything!! Hopefully I’ll overcome it asap…cuz I seriously need a date. like WHOA.

Happy Quote Friday everyone! This week’s quote is “borrowed” from a great friend of mine – she recently blogged about this quote and I absolutely fell in love with it. An excerpt of the quote:

“The knowledge that you have emerged wiser and stronger from setbacks means that you are, ever after, secure in your ability to survive. You will never truly know yourself, or the strength of your relationships, until both have been tested by adversity. Such knowledge is a true gift…”

Life has thrown a lot of obstacles at me over the last seven months, and I feel as though now, more than ever, I feel closer to God and closer to MYSELF and feel stronger and as though I can conquer any other setbacks that come my way throughout this situation. It’s funny, because I was cleaning out some old emails at work today, and found a few emails from one of my sisters and a few of my friends – their reactions to my impending divorce and the outpouring of support, and that sorrow and pain and angst came flooding back, and I know I never want to feel that way again, and I am confident that if I ever have to go through something as painful, I will feel stronger and more resilient.

Another excerpt from my friend’s blog – Life by the Day – is absolutely true (and if you knew this person – she’s gone through a LOT, so this says a lot about her strength and resilience as well – so proud!!):

Reading something like this reminds me to remember (and believe) that God never gives us more than we can handle. Life isn’t always easy, there are up and downs around every corner, but step by step, we’ll get through them, and be stronger for it.

I believe in myself, for probably the first time in a long time (as somewhat sad as that sounds), and am hopeful for the future, both near-term (bring on summer!) and long-term (post-divorce, dating, LIFE!) and thank everyone for all of their support so far, it has meant more than you could know.


As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, the divorce process is so long and frustrating! Getting further into it, finally, now that we came to an agreement on selling the house, the process is just so long, even though it’s not even a complicated divorce. At this rate, it looks like the divorce won’t even be final, likely, until November or December (that’s my worse case scenario anyway) just because the waiting periods in between the court appearance and the finality of the divorce is four months (and who knows when our court date will actually be from when we file).

I guess patience is  not one of my virtues, but I would just love for this to come to closure so I can really, truly, 100% move on. I am moving on, and feeling really good and positive about it, and it’s probably a mental thing more than anything, but it’d just feel better and freer to be finished with it.

Sort of a rambling post for tonight – and don’t get me wrong, I’m not angry or upset or even frustrated, it just never ceases to amaze me how long this shiznat takes. Oh well, one day at a time, right?

So I got sucked into watching the Jon & Kate Plus 8 premiere last night and came away so touched and saddened in a way, about the way the show ended – both Jon and Kate talking separately about their future together, and seeming to be heading towards divorce. In fact, doing a quick Google search on divorce, dozens of stories pop up about last night’s episode and the big “D” word.

jonkate8_s12Just seeing the look in their eyes and the distance that was so evident between them made me feel so badly about what they potentially will go through in the future – AND with 8 kids, AND in the public eye. I guess they can be considered celebrities now, and usually celebrity divorce is overblown and played out minute by excrutiating minute in the press, and I haven’t really paid attention, but this situation just feels different, and poignant and sad.

I see things so differently now that I am going through it, and see friends go through it now in a whole new light. I just want to help them through it, hug them, support them and help them realize that they WILL be ok.

Had an interesting conversation with Pete today – he somehow figured out the correlation between how often I spin and the fact that there is a cute boy at class (which is why I go – well not the whole reason, I do love spinning!) and we got to talking. Of course, he grilled me on who this guy was and if I had asked him out (sort of playfully, which was fine with me) and I ribbed him back, noting the nice muscles CSB has (hey, I have a right, right?!) and then I asked him if he had any crushes. Long story short – he’s been on dates – a couple with one chick he met in a bar, and he also has a crush on a girl he works with. What surprised me was that he hadn’t told me yet, since we both said we’d be open about it (he claimed he didn’t know how to bring it up) and what bothered me? That he beat me to it! NOT that he had gone on dates and therefore had “moved on” since um, I clearly have too. It was that he beat me to the punch! A funny relevation in a way, and it shouldn’t bother me, but it does, I’ll admit it. Just a smidge.

A fab friend of mine put it this way:

IT’S HUMAN NATURE TO BE COMPETITIVE THAT WAY… YOU ARE RIGHT, IT’S NOT A RACE, BUT IT MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER WHEN YOU ARE FIRST! BUT AT THE SAME TIME IT ALSO SAYS THAT HE ISN’T GOOD WITH BEING ALONE AND FINDING HIMSELF, AND YOU ARE TOTALLY STRONGER, AND CAN BE ALONE! SO THINK OF IT THAT WAY! AND OBVIOUSLY THE FACT THAT YOU ARE INTERESTED IN SOMEONE ELSE, AND NOT PINING OVER PETE SHOWS HIM HOW MATURE AND OVER IT, YOU ARE!

So smart she is, isn’t she? So, I had to give her props here (namelessly of course, you know who you are!! Mwah!) because it’s so true and it totally put it into perspective…now, on to asking CSB out…or at least being a little more forward than I have. Done with baby steps, how about just “steps” – not leaps, but steps is good, right? 😉

I had a fantastic long weekend – something I desperately needed after last week’s sadness and anxiety over Nonna’s passing. Buuut, what usually comes with a fantastic weekend?! Lots of food and wine! So, today, while good (I bought a car woo! Pete helped – nice of him, and shows we can still carry on a good friendship, if I do say so myself), I was feeling a bit guilty over my endulgances, and came across one of my favorite poems – by Maya Angelou – that, in part, talks about what every woman should know about her body, and then, as I was reading, also spoke volumes to my situation as well, so I thought it was worth sharing (an excerpt) – enjoy – and so very true.


EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…

that she can’t change the length of her calves,
the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…

that her childhood may not have been perfect…but its over…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…

what she would and wouldn’t do for love or more…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…

how to live alone… even if she doesn’t like it…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW …

whom she can trust,
whom she can’t,
and why she shouldn’t take it personally…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…

where to go…
be it to her best friend’s kitchen table…
or a charming inn in the woods…
when her soul needs soothing…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…

what she can and can’t accomplish in a day…
a month… and a year…


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