Yesterday was an up and down day for me. I was all pumped up and ready to attempt asking CSB out, but failed, chicked out. And then I proceeded to beat myself up mentally all day long. I chickened out because a zillion thoughts ran through my head – I look like crap, I’m all sweaty, he’s going to say no, he probably thinks I’m ugly, he’s just being nice talking to me all the time etc etc etc. – I was my own worst enemy, placing seed upon seed of doubt into my head, something Joel Osteen is ALWAYS saying not to do, and I just broke every rule in the book!
I then began thinking all the pressure I was putting on myself, putting this whole thing on an unreachable pedestal, as if asking him out HAD to happen on Saturday, or bust. But you know what? I needed to take a step back and just let things happen the way they are meant to happen, and when it feels right, I am confident that I will make a move (or, even better, maybe he will!). Until then, I need to really look at myself and realize that it’s okay to be alone right now, I am worth it, and I have a lot to offer someone when it’s meant to happen.
Another thing that came out of trying to take a step back is the realiziation that when I do enter into a new relationship, I cannot take it for granted. I look at couples, holding hands, talking quietly about a funny joke, just BEING with each other (whether or not they are actually taking it for granted or not!) and I realize a) I REALLY miss that, and b) I don’t want to fall into the trap of taking it for granted – the little things…what I wouldn’t give to hold hands! It’s those little things that are often looked over in relationships and I refuse to ever do that.
Okay, enough rambling today – it’s been a beautiful weekend, really, and I just wish I wasn’t as self-depricating as I was this weekend (and I really enjoyed spin with CSB – more flirting today as he helped me with my new spin shoes – oh la la!)