June 2009


No, not me – don’t worry – never second thoughts on whether divorce is right for us, in my opinion (even though it wasn’t my decision, I firmly believe it was best for both of us). I had an interesting conversation with Pete last night…backing up, he was over on Sunday and he was teasing me again about CSB so I let on about CSBGF and he seemed to feel bad, and I got a little teary just because I was just all over the place that day emotionally (as we know!).

So, yesterday, he had a weird Facebook status update about how “It takes only a min to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone, but it takes a lifetime to forget someone” so I asked him what he meant (over text) and he said “I’ll never forget you.” So I wrote back “huh? I’m not going anywhere.” He writes back “I’m a bit sad, I feel bad for what I am doing to you. I’m sorry.”

So I gave him a call and we talked for awhile. He felt bad that he’s putting me through divorce and I explained that he’s not (at this point) “putting me through” anything – I’m doing good, I’m happy. And he explained that he felt bad about putting me through the dating thing all over again – thought that was kind of odd/ironic/funny but whatever – and admitted that HE didn’t think he really wanted to date anymore and that it’s easier to be alone. It was a strange conversation, but it did get me thinking, in a way, if he was having second thoughts (again, not that I would consider it!)…or was ridden with guilt and regret (likely).

But I did admit this to him – I don’t think I could have gotten through things so far without his support – as IRONIC AND WEIRD AS I REALIZE THAT SOUNDS! It has actually been good that we have been able to be friends through all of this. I explained it to one of my (very awesome) divorced friends and how our friendship has really gone through phases – we don’t really get together for dinner much anymore or talk that often (every few days, not every day, sometimes just once a week) and I’m okay with that. And I know when the divorce is final that we won’t have a ton of reasons to talk, and again, that’s okay with me. I know our friendship will evolve as we go on. I feel I am very realistic with our relationship at this point.

Wow, this is becoming a rambling post! I was going to weave in a great blog I just read from Joel Osteen and another from Snarkbutt Divorced, but I think I’ll tuck those away for now 😉

So, yesterday sort of sucked – finding out that CSB has a girlfriend. Beyond that being a huge surprise – my reaction to it surprised me even more. I went through a huge rollercoaster of emotions in the span of an hour – shock, that sickness in the pit of your stomach, fear, sadness, and a sudden unwillingness to want to put myself out there, ever.

I thought – if I have this kind of reaction over a CRUSH, how am I going to feel when I DO start dating and get rejected? Or realize the guy isn’t someone I want to date? How am I going to cope with that when I freak out over a crush…beating myself up over letting myself believe there could be something there, and putting myself out there, flirting, and being mad at myself for even bothering at all. But then I realized – okay, *perhaps* I am overreacting. And I knew I was, but it was just so surprising to me, when I thought there may actually be a connection brewing and to find out he has a girlfriend was just so unexpected. And, after many a pep talk from my sisters, friends and blog “family,” a few things have risen to the top: I can still have a crush on CSB (no harm in that!), the crush proved that I AM over Pete, that I AM ready to date, and who knows…maybe CSB and CSBGF are on the rocks (okay, so maybe that part is just my daydreaming!).

In any event, I learned that I still have a LOT to learn, a lot to experience, and a lot more strength to develop. And I think I’m ready to face it, head on.

Sooo, not a whole lot to share on project CSB…it feels like every other week I have a bigger update, and this week, since he was only teaching today, and not yesterday, time was limited. But, we did chat quite a bit, despite the fact that there were a few instructors milling about chatting with each other. I’m trying to convince him to run the next 5K I do and he seemed a bit interested in running one, so we’ll see how that goes. I also caught a few glances throughout class, which I of course returned (;)) and I think his co-instructor for the day noticed! Hehe – maybe she’ll mention something to him…push it along. Oh, and no Facebook friend acceptance yet, but as he hardly goes on, I am not holding my breath (though I of course check it a few times a day!)

So, I’m trying not to let the slooooow progress get me down, because I have to remember – life isn’t a race and taking my time with things is natural and there’s no need to jump into anything quickly. So, I’m content. I had a fantastic weekend so far and am looking forward to enjoying the rest of today.

Update…he accepted my friend request…and he has a girlfriend. Ouch. Game over…

Today, I went up to Maine to visit my grandparents and spend some time by the lake. I’ve been apprehensive about visiting the lake since it comes with a slew of memories before “the situation” that I was afraid would make me sad, or nostalgic, or lonely. Well, I am happy to say that I really didn’t think about that or Pete or any of the memories that were, I just drank in the peace and serenity and enjoyed spending time with family. It was relaxing, it was fun and my Gram even teased me about CSB (was a priceless moment actually – guess they read my blog a little more often than I thought – which I love!).

On the drive home, I felt a little bit lonely though, because for some reason, Maine just reminds me of being part of a couple. I miss that – being part of a couple – cuddling, laughing together, love, companionship – but I know it will come with time. Sometimes I need to remind myself of that and then I can pull myself away from getting down. So, all in all, it was a great, great day and I’m looking forward to many more weekends and vacations in Maine. The way life should be 😉

PS – you may be wondering – what? No CSB update?! Well, I went this morning – friend in tow – and he wasn’t teaching today (must have taught the 10 am) – totally bummed, but looking forward to class tomorrow – look for a CSB update then and wish me luck!

Happy quote Friday everyone! It’s been a pretty good week – despite yesterday’s bit of drama – and I’ve been saving this quote for awhile, as it’s a goodie:

“Forgive as soon as possible, love without boundaries, laugh without control and never stop smiling, even if you don’t know the reason.”

This one really captures everything I have been trying to get across throughout this journey – the things that I think are most important in any really trying period in one’s life – forgiveness, love, laughter, happiness – despite the difficulties that may be around you. If we constantly trudge through life sad and miserable, you’ll wake up 1, 5, 10 years from now and wonder where life went. That’s one thing I wanted to make sure I didn’t do – rush through this situation just to get past it and to the “good part” of life – when I’m over the pain and sadness – because I think experiencing it and taking the sadness and pain and turning into something you learn from is a much better way of dealing with it. I truly feel that I’m coming out of this stronger and happier and with a hell of a lot more perspective than if I just closed myself down and didn’t take this retrospective.

Happy Friday everyone!

It was kind of an all over the place kind of day…helped take care of one my sisters who had last minute surgery (she’s ok – thankfully!), driving all over New England (was kind of fun!) and then headed home to run a 5K. Needless to say, I’m beat!

Short post tonight – just thankful to have such a great, close, loving bond with both of my sisters. As I’ve mentioned before, they are the chocolate chips in the cookies of life, and I am so thankful for them. I feel as though we reached a new closeness today, and I hope they feel the same. They’re the best sisters a girl could ever ask for. XOXO!

I’m growing a pretty good list of blogs I follow now – finally – but have been browsing for others to see what’s out there. There’s still only a smattering of good blogs out there but I’ve found a few pretty interesting ones of late:

  1. A Divorced Woman – pretty good collection of various blog topics by a group of women divorcees. Some are a bit too negative and such, but there are a few goodies.
  2. The Quest for T – single, divorced woman and her journey – haven’t dug too much into this one, but looks good – will probably do a post on some of her entries soon.
  3. Single Mom Seeking – this looks like a goodie – particularly as it has some advice on dating – which I am hoping to need/seek soon 😉
  4. My Ramblings – a twice-divorced woman chronicalling her journey – sign me up to read this one through, also looking like a good one.
  5. Hot Dads – does this one need much explanation? Looks intriguing!

Just a few for now – I’m sure once I dig into these I’ll have even more fodder and thoughts on others’ perspectives. I just find it so fascinating how different yet so similar those I’ve come across are, in going through their journeys. Uncovering these gems are so rewarding and really give me new perspective on things too. Cuz we all know I am alllll about perspective 🙂

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