So, if you’ve been following project CSB, you know that I “outed” the fact that I’m divorced to him this weekend at the end of my Saturday spin class. Now, some of you may be wondering if that was smart, or stupid…and I was sort of hemming and hawing about it myself, because I am still grappling with what it really means…does it (re)define me? Does it scar me? Is it just so common now that it’s cliched? Is it seen as massive BAGGAGE?
After thinking about it for awhile, I think for me – at least I hope – it comes across as an experience I went through, not because I broke my vows – Snarkbutt Divorced calls this out perfectly – but something that eventually, made me stronger:
Like snowflakes, every divorce is different, but when I read all of these different divorce stories, a lot of the ingredients are the same. As one person said to me the other day: here you are going through the most horrible, painful, gut-wrenching experience of your life, and then you come to find out that it’s so common, it’s practically a cliche.
But one thing that hasn’t come up much in all the reading I’ve done is the regret at breaking a vow. This is probably the most shameful thing for me about my divorce. I made a promise and I failed to keep it. I’ve always been rule-oriented (my family hates playing games with me because I’m such an anal rule enforcer), and it bugs me that so many people blithely break the rules of marriage without a second thought. They second guess the divorce for other reasons, of course. And I don’t expect people to keep their promises in the face of real physical (or even emotional) danger, but it just feels like to me people don’t take their promises seriously. It’s the least of their considerations.
Several excellence points that I thought were worth calling out – whenever anyone gets to know my situation, I think they’ll see that this was something that happened TO me in a way, not something I wished for. Of course, there are always two sides to every coin, but throughout my marriage, I was faithful, loving, and treated Pete with all of the respect and caring in the world…and for whatever reason, that wasn’t enough.
…and to be honest, if CSB, or any other guy opts not to get to know me, date me, love me or whatever the case may be, that’s their loss because this is me, this is my life, and if you see it as a cliche/scar/black mark/baggage without even getting to know me? Then you aren’t the one for me!
(Long way of saying, no, I don’t regret telling CSB I am divorced…because it’s just about official (give or take a few signed documents and months of waiting for a court date etc) and I’m not going to hide it anymore. It doesn’t define me, I define me.