September 2009


The timing of Mandy’s blog posts based on my interview with her is just so uncanny – because it’s really falling in line with how I am feeling right now. Yesterday’s post on the short sale, and today’s on being friends with Pete post-divorce. With Pete’s help during the move, and all of the time we spent leading into, and after that, has really shown me that we CAN sustain a friendship for the long term….our conversation isn’t forced, we can pretty much talk about anything (clearly) and I think we genuinely like each other and have respect for each other, and that means everything.

Here’s a good excerpt from Mandy’s blog today:

We’ve always been friends and that was the way we ended our marriage. It wasn’t my choice but I’m actually glad my ex made that decision. It sounds cliché but he said he loved me but was not in love with me. He felt we were more best friends than husband and wife. At first I didn’t understand that. I didn’t see it but looking back now I think it’s true. I think in all marriages you have to work at keeping that spark going and somehow we lost it and didn’t ever really get it back or work to gain it back. Our relationship has always been a friendship and once I got past that, I thought maybe he was right,  I thought, ‘Maybe it is better that we end this now before we end up hating each other.’

I really think this is key – we did this NOW before it got to a point where we hated each other, or no-turning-back hatred set in. I don’t hate Pete, and that gives me peace and closure. As funny as that sounds…and I feel very content right now (especially as I sit in my new digs, really feeling comfortable, happy, and safe).

Wow, it’s been a LONG 36ish hours or so. Moving is no joke…I’ve never quite experienced a full-on move, to be honest, as when we bought our house, I moved from my mom’s house and didn’t have much stuff. Well, I have a LOT OF STUFF now, apparently. We didn’t even fit it all in the 14 footer I rented, and had to take THREE more car fulls afterwards. I do have to thank Pete SO much for all of his help. He was awesome, and so helpful throughout the day, never complained and even put together my stuff from IKEA (and is coming by tonight to finish the job!), and didn’t leave till after 10. It was nice, actually, to spend the day together and just talk like two friends – it wasn’t awkward, it wasn’t sad (though I did cry when I saw the house empty! just sort of hit me), it was normal and it felt like this is exactly where we should be, in life, and in our evolving relationship.

…we even talked about our dating/sexual lives post-marriage, which was a little interesting (I can just see half of you shaking your heads in awe, and the other half thinking “she’s sharing too much!”), but also felt completely normal. We talked about dating, we talked about what we both want in future relationships, we teased each other (me on his GF, him on boy #7), it was just funny.

…and speaking of boy #7 (yes, I realize this post is rambling, but I’m trying to cover a lot of bases I haven’t been able to in the last few days!) – Sunday was a fantastic evening!! He made me dinner (swordfish, veggies and whole grain pasta), we had wine (I tried ice wine for the first time – sweet, but good “dessert” wine), we watched a REALLY strange comedy (Sex and Death 101 – STRANGE but oddly intriguing!), and we um, had a bit of “fun” afterward…and I’m a lady, so I won’t share details, but I will say, he works out (a lot), and it shows, and he has a few tricks up his sleeve 😉 Hope to see him again soon, so he can see my new place!

And, on that note, I’ll end tonight’s blog as I am back to unpacking, organizing and getting myself situated. But I finally feel home.

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By the way, the fourth installment of my SinceMyDivorce interview has posted, and it’s super timely – all about selling the house and moving on. Give it a read – Mandy has some good words of advice, and thoughts on going through a similar situation.

it’s go time!! Moving day!! I am beyond excited this morning, yet a touch nostalgic too. Sitting in my dining room, on a gorgeously mild fall morning. I took my last run here this morning as well, and will miss it, it’s a very pretty route. I’ll keep this short, but came across a great quote that I couldn’t help posting today (yeah, I know, it’s not quote Friday yet!)

“The past cannot be changed, the future is yet in your power.”

Exactly how I am feeling right now! Ready to take control of my future, starting today. Bring it!!

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For another post this week..stay tuned for details on date #2 with boy #7…we connected, we laughed, we drank wine…there may have been some kissing 😉

Well, this is it, no turning back now – less than 24 hours and I’ll be a moving fiend! The “no turning back” really sums up this whole experience – deciding to take our chances with doing a short sale.

It’s unchartered territory for me, to say the least, and has been nerve-wracking, moment by moment, step-by-step, wondering if it’s going to be approved by the mortgage companies, with no real guarantee that it WILL get approved. And from there, the consequences would get worse and worse, and likely end up in foreclosure, something I wanted to avoid at all costs. It was a really difficult decision for me, and I knew I had to listen to my heart and my mind and do what is right for ME, not because it’s the “right” thing to do, or because Pete wanted to do the short sale, or anything like that. It had to be right for ME. And even though it was a decision that I don’t think many could or WOULD do (many – even some of my family and friends – would likely try and hold on to it and hope for a turnaround in the market.

This was something I didn’t see outweighing the negatives of my current situation – being VERY short on being able to pay the mortgage on my own, the amount of upkeep in a house for one person being quite a lot, more than I want right now, not being able to refinance to lower the payments, and likely, going into further debt just trying to keep up – vs. selling the house at a loss, taking the ding on my credit, and moving on. Sure, the market may improve, but even if it did, so, I MAYBE break even in another 5 years? So, I’ve lived in a house for 10 years and just broke even on what I paid back then? No thanks.)

Has it been scary? Hell yes. Has it been long, stressful, and unchartered territory? Double hell yes! But has it been worth it in the end? By far, yes. Why? Because the mortgage companies DID approve the short sale, with our being required to pay a somewhat nominal amount at closing, because I DID find a place of my own, available at the right time, and at the right price. I took a chance, trusted myself, trusted God, and went for it, and I’m happy to say that – now, on the point of no return – I’m really proud of myself for sticking to it, despite the fears and concerns from family (and my own nagging worry!).

So, I’m ready to sail away to the next chapter of life, confident I can make my own decisions, and ready for the next…check out the lyrics and video below from the latest song I’m digging – “Sailing” by Avant  (thanks to boy #7 for suggesting it) it’s peaceful, it’s soothing, and it’s exactly where my mindset is right now.

and I’m just about finished packing, with 48 hours or so to g0. Hard to believe I have THAT many boxes for just me, plus minimal furniture to move since I’ve given Pete some of it and gotten rid of some of it as well, and that five years equates, now, to 41 boxes. I get a little reminiscent thinking about the time I’ve spent in this home, but seeing it basically empty, devoid of memories, it feels so much like the past already. Strange how packing and getting rid of certain things that can accelerate that feeling of attachment, sadness or sadness to see something go.

It’s actually feeling more and the more the opposite, especially as I look forward and see so MUCH to look forward to, near- and long-term, and I think I’m finally, officially, 100% ready to kick this house to the curb (no longer my home), start the next phase of my life, and never look back, never think twice, and always know, deep down, that this was the right decision for me. I feel completely sure of that, no what if’s, no wondering, no nothing. This is it, it’s (almost) go time!!

Like I wrote on my Facebook status tonight, I’ve *almost* never been happier to see a week end than I have this week, I’ve been wishing and hoping for the week to end. It was an intense work-week, combined with a massive amount of packing, boxes piling up and overall chaos and when I don’t have any sense of organization in my personal OR work life, I tend to get super stressed out. That was me this week. ALL week. And then I came across this quote and wanted to take all the complaining about the week to end:

“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”

Wow. If that doesn’t say “stop rushing,” I don’t know what does!! Sure, it was an insane week, but there were plenty of bright spots – including date #1 with boy #7 (this was by far, my best date so far, and we’ve already discussed date #2, but I am refraining from further details until it actually occurs!), and oh, I don’t know, the pending sale of my house and fresh start in my new townhouse hovering!

I have a lot more milestones coming up, and coming up fast, that I need to take a step back, BREATHE, and stop rushing through it all. Sure, I can’t WAIT to move and unpack all the boxes and get settled, but part of the fun of it, is experiencing the move itself, de-cluttering, buying new fun things for my new home, and arranging it just as I want it.

And, after that, I still have a LOT more to look forward to – including the big 3-0 celebration with my sisters, family, and friends, and after that, WINE COUNTRY! So, this is my reminder to myself – stop rushing, take a step back, and breathe it all in. Cheers!

I didn’t realize I was getting a three-part interview series on SinceMyDivorce – how exciting 😉 And, I heard fromMandy that yesterday’s post on her blog made it to the BlogHer headlines, which is amazing. Yesterday was also my biggest day yet for hits (with 148 – usually I hover around 100 or so), which is incredible.

The focus of today’s entry was all about emerging from the shadows of divorce, and “feeling more like me” – the “me” I never knew I had. Here’s a good excerpt:

I’m actually really grateful this ended up happening. It ended up being for the best. I’ve learned so much more about myself and what I’m capable of in terms of being strong and being able to get through something more difficult than I ever thought. I’ve gained a lot of perspective – perspective is something you learn and you have to keep reminding yourself. It’s so easy to get bogged down with what’s wrong in your life – suddenly the world is ending and nothing is going right when maybe one or two things aren’t going right but look at the little things that you can relish everyday that make life not so bad.

Mandy adds a few bits of commentary that sum it up really well, too:

Like Jolene, I feel more like me since my divorce – I’m enjoying life more, laughing more, socializing more and smiling more. And yes, it was a very difficult episode to go through but I’m glad I found the strength to do it. I’m better for no longer being married – not sure if my ex would say the same – wonder if I dare ask him? How about you? Is your life better for being divorced?

If you haven’t visited Jolene’s blog, do! She writes beautifully and you’ll want to find out if boy #7 turns into a second date.

Heehee – love the comment re: boy #7…I won’t give away too much, but let’s just say I’m thinking the curse may be broken (re: actually moving to a date #2 for once!). 😉

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