November 2009


Sometimes the unexpected can smack you upside the head, and sometimes it can be pretty darn good. Last night was a darn good unexpected, to say the least! Date #2 with boy #9 (brainy blonde) went well beyond my expectations…so much so that I’m feeling a bit giddy, I must say!

Boy #9 came over yesterday evening for dinner, and I was going into it thinking that it would shed light on the chemistry factor, for one, and two, give me more insight into where it could possibly go from there (either to another date, or none at all) – basically, a “we’ll see” attitude. It’s hard to explain really just how well the night went, in my mind, but I’ll do my best to share the highlights.

He came by my place last night, and we went to dinner at a local bistro/bar down the street from me. Conversation flowed nicely, nothing awkward, and a lot of laughs, and common interests. He runs, I run (okay, he runs an almost 6 min mile and has run four half-marathons – me, notsomuch!), he likes “old school” rock music, so do I, he likes comedy, I like comedy, we both love to travel, work out, a good breakfast. Yes, these are fairly random things, but we definitely saw eye to eye on a lot, and it was great. We went back to my place around 9:30 and from there, I’ll leave it at this – “chemistry testing” until 12:30 or so…and I wasn’t complaining ๐Ÿ˜‰ He’s very complimentary, but respectfully so, not crass or anything like that, a gentleman as well, which I totally dig (chivalry isn’t dead!). He ended up staying over as it was getting late, (don’t get any ideas…not like “that!”), and I enjoyed having someone to cuddle up next to, and it actually felt pretty natural, too. So, needless to say, I have a goofy grin on my face today, as it felt like of all the dates I’ve had, this feels the most real, with the most potential.

So, I’m embracing the unexpected, and excited to see what happens next…hopefully it progresses and isn’t another false start, but feels very promising at this point. A little hurrah of sorts ๐Ÿ˜‰

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another blog refresh – likey?

It’s been a fantastic Thanksgiving/long weekend and I have no complaints…yet, I have had no plans at night on Thursday (well, it WAS Thanksgiving after all!), Friday, or Saturday night. And I was completely okay with that!

I thought I might have date #2 with boy #9 over the weekend, but didn’t (we actually have plans tonight…stay tuned for deets on that tomorrow!), so I actually really just enjoyed being home, catching up on sleep (MUCH needed from the past two weeks, with my trip to San Jose and some late nights), and having a couple of glasses of wine. The idea of a whole weekend without evening plans used to scare the crap out of me (even as recently as September, I was having trouble coping with being alone), and make me feel like a loser, so I’ve tended to try to fill my weekends as much as possible over the last year for that very reason (and of course, to be social!), but I embraced this weekend as much as possible.

Admittedly, being by myself much of the weekend made my mind wander to the dating pool and when I’ll find someone that moves beyond a few dates to something more substantial, but I know that will come in time, and it’s not something I should rush, worry about or get down about (gave myself a mental pep talk – blog, aren’t you proud?!). So, all in all, it was time well spent, and I’m looking forward to rounding out the weekend with boy #9…we’ll see how it goes.

Recently, two of my good friends got engaged (one of them is BDF! I am so happy for her!!) and it’s gotten me thinking, in a weird way, that maybe one day I DO want to get married again.

When asked about if I ever want to get married again (by friends, family etc), I tend to respond with “never say never” because I really don’t know if I will want to in the future…and it’s sort of a hard question to answer being single, too, because you never DO know until you’re at a point where you’re with someone you could envision marrying. And, considering that when asked why I married Pete, I really don’t have a good answer (in a way, I think we just went with it, since we’d been together for 7 years at that point, and it just felt as if it were the next step, logically), and am not sure if I want children in the future (to me, wanting children would be more of a driver to want to be married, the second time around, anyway), I really AM on the fence if I do want to marry again “one day.”

However, recently, in seeing how happy BDF is with her fiancee (and how supremely well they fit together, especially compared to her ex, and how much more “her” she is than ever before) and spending the day with my other friend that got engaged recently (she was my first college roommate – and she rocks!) and hearing about her engagement and pending wedding plans, it sort of makes me think that maybe I DO want that someday…not necessarily the whole wedding thing (since I didn’t even do that the first time around…though sometimes I even thing maybe I MIGHT dig the whole wedding thang ๐Ÿ˜‰ ), but marriage, if it feels right, and it’s for the right reasons. The one thing I did love about being married was that “complete” feeling, and that sense of safety, and unity…and maybe I don’t need a marriage to HAVE those things in a companion, but time will tell, I suppose…never say never?!

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On a side note…I must say, CSB is still completely, utterly, 100% the holy grail of hotness. Damn…why isn’t he single?! ๐Ÿ˜‰

Capping off a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday week, I thought the following quote was very fitting for quote Friday:

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” ~Maria Robinson

As I mentioned in my post yesterday, life now as compared to last Thanksgiving is a remarkable juxtaposition. At the time, looking back, I can guarantee you that I wanted to start over, go back to the beginning and make my marriage work, rather than facing divorce from a man I thought was the only man for me in this world.

Yet, now, had we stayed together, I am not sure if it would have lasted till “death do us part” anyway, because eventually, the issues likely would have surfaced…but how much later? What if I was 40? 50? 60? when realizing that my marriage wasn’t as fulfilling as it seemed (or romanticized in my mind, anyway). So I am glad that I CAN make a new ending to my (love) life and have a blast in the meantime, until I find that “just right” fit for me.

And, the life I am building for myself is wonderful, and it’s making me realize that I’m a better, happier, more content person than I ever thought I was before. I think many people are afraid of change – I am CERTAINLY one of them, typically – and starting over is daunting, but the qualities that come out in you, the strength you find, and the new capabilities you develop. I know I tend to write about this topic quite a bit, but I think it’s important to remember that change doesn’t have to be a bad thing, that challenges make you stronger, and that you – and only you – are in charge of your destiny. I see that clearly more than ever now, and feel more empowered to make my “ending” MINE.

Happy Friday everyone!

Just had to squeeze in a second post today. Had a few revelations in the last day or so, and just needed to get it out on paper. Sometimes I feel as though I can express myself and/or verbalize what I am feeling by writing it out on my blog, than talking through it. Interesting side benefit of sorts for me, on blogging!

Anyway, I had date #4 with “the Russian” last night (long story short – I was originally going to get together with boy #9 last night – brainy blonde – but shifted that to this weekend, in favor of date #4…it turned out to work out pretty well and I didn’t feel quite as though I was shafting boy #9 because he was actually relieved when I asked if we could get together this weekend, as he had a lot to do pre-Thanksgiving anyway).

We got together last night because he’s off to see his family through early next week, so he came over for dinner and we watched a movie. I was a little ambivalent about how the night would go, worried that it could go the way boy #7 went (worried it was more about the physical, than actually wanting to see me/learn more about me etc), but it was actually a fairly good combination of both (as mentioned, there is good chemistry with “the Russian” as evidenced last night!), but I came to a conclusion afterwards. I don’t really think it will go much farther than some one-off dates. We are really looking for different things and it sort of hit me last night. I suddenly, at the end of the night, wasn’t as drawn to him as I was when the night began (we had fun, don’t get me wrong), and could see more clearly that he seems to want more casual dating, which I knew going into this, and I’m finding that more and more, I am looking towards relationship material more than casual dating.

We also don’t have a ton in common – he sleeps in till noon, my idea of sleeping in is usually 7:30 or 8 am! He thinks women want men to be their best friend – his priority appears to more on the physical side than the friendship/companionship side. He has more of an edge to him, a little “rough and tough” – I’m more of a “nice girl.” And I’m not saying that my conclusions here are the be-all and end-all, or that they are totally accurate, but that’s the gist of it – we tend to see things opposite in most cases (I just gave two examples, but there are others). While “opposites attract” I do think there needs to be a happy medium.

So, that’s a long-winded way of saying that I’m not sure how much farther this will go with “the Russian” – I won’t rule out another date, but I won’t let it fester on if I’m not feeling it anymore. And, the funny thing is, when I came to that realization – that he isn’t “it” (sorta had that feeling anyway, in the back of my mind) – I suddenly thought about boy #9 more optimistically, because he has that combination I am looking for more – smart, funny, a “thinker,” nice, active – and the only unknown is chemistry. So, we’ll see how that goes, but I am looking forward to finding out more.

I’m still looking for my “just right” but at this point, I am having fun finding that out…whether it takes one date or five dates, I’ll find it – or he’ll find me – it just takes time. And I’m okay with that.

I feel amazing. Absolutely amazing! Today is Thanksgiving and it’s been a wonderful day from start to finish.

It’s an extremely powerful juxtaposition to last year’s Thanksgiving holiday. I was so raw emotionally from finding out that the supposed love of my life wanted out of our marriage, I felt as though I was walking around feeling like a combination of zombie, dumb-struck, sad, and well, raw. Looking back at that day, compared to today, if I could have fast-forwarded to today, at this very moment, I’m not sure if the “me” then would have felt hopeful, or scared shitless over what was to come over the course of the remainder of 2008 and 2009 to-date. I say that only because there have been a fair share of downs with the ups, and the road was long, windy, and at times, extreme.

Today, however, was awesome. I woke up bright and early for my very first 5-miler race with a bit of trepidation and anxiety (what can I say? I get “stage fright” before a race…worst fear being the last runner to cross the finish line!) but the race went off without a hitch. It was a gorgeous route, with scenic parks, the ocean, and the sun peeping through the fog. As I listened to some of my most motivating tunes, I got into the “zone” and began thinking of the year behind me. As each mile went by, I got a bit more emotional, treating those miles as the phases of the last year, the sadness melting into ambivalence, into happiness, and confidence. I finished the race in just under an hour – a bit slow, but I tend to run slower in race (and, I am a slow runner admittedly, but as a new runner, just starting in February, I think it was pretty respectable!), but was elated to birst across the finish line, feeling accomplished.

I headed up to Maine to see my grandparents and my mother and one of my sisters and my brother-in-law, and again, the juxtaposition with last year was evident. I felt great. Happy. NORMAL. Content. My grandparents were great, you could almost see that same feeling in their eyes (as well as my mom’s) and I felt proud. Of myself, and my life. At this very moment. MY life. I did this. I made it, and I’m so thankful. I couldn’t quite ask for much more right now. Thank you…to life.

You read that correctly! I am thankful for my ex-husband. Of course, that comes with a few caveats, of course. I say I am thankful for Pete because of a few reasons:

  1. he made a decision that I never would have made myself (as I’ve said before, I didn’t see or realize that our marriage had dwindled to basically a friendship), and that decision has led to a wonderful phase of my life that I wouldn’t trade anything for. I wouldn’t obviously give credit to him for where my life is right now, but for making the decision itself.
  2. we’ve worked hard at staying friends – something I didn’t think he would maintain, at the beginning. While I know this relationship will continue to evolve and shift, it’s been healthy for us to continue along, even as we both have entered the dating world in full force. He still comes to me for advice on some of it, and actually seems to appreciate the advice I give him (on dating, but on other things too – work, family etc) and, once in awhile, his advice to me isn’t so shabby either ๐Ÿ˜‰
  3. we had a great “run” and I wouldn’t change that for anything either. We had a really good 10 year relationship and marriage, and I learned a lot from him, we had fun together, we took trips (Aruba, Hawaii, Vegas, etc) and as he told me once, he wouldn’t have wanted to spend that time with anyone else. I agree, I won’t forgot those moments, and feel good about it.

So, taking this not-so-literally, I’m more thankful for my ex for just that – making a decision I never could have, because it truly was (warning – cliche alert!!) a “blessing in disguise” and I really couldn’t be happier with where I am right now, in life, in friendships/family, and even, in the dating world! So, to quote Bryan Adams – these were some of the best days of my life (and I wouldn’t change anything about it!).

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On a side note…a few dating updates – I am going on date #4 with “the Russian” tonight…wish me luck (hoping this isn’t jinx-worthy…only jinx-worthy on first/second dates?!) and date #2 with boy #9 (brainy blonde) likely this weekend…stay tuned for all the details in a future post ๐Ÿ˜‰

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I hit 15K views overnight – VERY excited to hit that milestone! I’m also arranging many more per day than I was even three months ago – just hovering around 100 hits a day. Very cool. Who knew blogging could be so fun?!

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