The last time I traveled alone was about two weeks before “the situation” began, and it was a business trip I took to Dallas. My first trip taking a plane by myself (believe it or not!), first time hailing a cab, finding my hotel, making my way to the conference I had to go to, first time staying in a hotel by myself. I look back on that time and remember being absolutely petrified, scared out of my mind, hating that I didn’t know where I was going and didn’t have Pete to be the “assertive one” to get us around. Looking back also on saying goodbye to Pete at the airport, I was a wreck, sad, scared, not wanting to leave, and he wasn’t too emotional (he would usually be just as sad as me), and I just thought he was being supportive and trying to give me confidence. Of course, it was probably because of all the doubts in his mind about what he was (or was not!) feeling about our marriage.
Looking at where I am now, while this is the first trip I’ve traveled alone (basically. my boss is coming, but not on the way home), I am not NEARLY as petrified (partially because I’ve traveled quite a bit on my own, with friends and family, but not with a significant other), I have basically looked forward to the trip (except for lack of sleep!), and I don’t have that sense of dread I used to. It feels like a huge leap for me, and I’m so glad I’ve grown so much across the board since this all began. I haven’t really had an “a-ha” moment lately on the post-divorce journey (perhaps a good thing – a sign of solid moving on-ness!), but this one feels pretty awesome (and, to be honest, looking back, Pete wasn’t really that assertive, he just appeared to be, since I had not an assertive bone in my body! He’s middle of the road, in that regard, I think, which is fine, but I saw it so differently then).
Funny how yet again – perception is NOT reality. I’m stronger than I thought, just didn’t give myself the opportunity to prove it.