December 2009


Even if divorce isn’t your choice, it can become the best thing that has ever happened to you.

THAT is divorce has taught me this year.

As I flip back to my very first few blog posts (started Feb 21), I was already heading towards that realization, though I don’t think it became quite a revelation until much later in the year. I’d say this summer, just before I started dating, was when I realized, 100%, that this was what was MEANT to happen to me, and I wasn’t a victim, and I wasn’t being punished, and I am living the life I was meant to live.

To me, that’s pretty powerful, considering going through a divorce has the tendency to break people down emotionally, sometimes for years, sometimes never to quite heal from it. In my case, I do feel fortunate as my divorce wasn’t the result of cheating, or abuse, or anything extremely hurtful. I’m also fortunate that there were no children involved and, that Pete and I are still friends – and good friends at that.

The realization that divorce has been the best thing to happen to me was also solidifed when Pete told me he made a mistake, a few weeks ago. When he told me he thought this WAS the best thing to happen to me – his admitting that, and seeing that from afar – that meant a lot, and not just because I do still value his opinion to an extent, but because I think, in a way, he was hoping he’d have his a-aha moment by now (which I’m not sure he has).

I feel phenomenal. I feel hopeful. I feel like 2010 is going to be a year of victory, further awakening and breakthroughs, and it will put even more distance between me and the year that was, for all intents and purposes, transitional. I made a lot of changes this year, some out of necessity (moving), some out of want, and I want to keep changing and growing, because complacency is not anything I’d like to become.

I hope everyone has a wonderful new year’s eve tonight, and I promise to post some thoughts tomorrow on resolutions (that is, if I’ve solidified mine by that point!). Cheers to 2010 – to the proverbial “me” year (proverbial for ALL of us separated/divorced/singles out there – it is OUR YEAR! I can feel it!!) – *clink*

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It struck me this morning that as we near the end of a decade, the sigficance, for me, is far more than “just” a decade passing.

What’s happened in ten years? A “full circle” of significance for me…let’s recap, shall we?

The 2000’s meant quite a few milestones in life, and with Pete…

  • Meeting Pete (at 20)
  • Turning 21
  • Graduating college
  • Buying a house (with Pete) at 26
  • Marrying Pete at 27
  • Separation at 29
  • Selling my house…at 30.
  • Divorcing…at 30.

In ten years, I’ve only been with one man, and now, as the end of the decade ends, I’ve added another ten to that number (and let me clarify “been” with – meaning, dating, relationships etc) – how interesting is that comparison? There are tens all over the place for me right now, and as we enter 2010, I’m looking forward to it being the year of me untethered by divorce, redefined by ME, not by divorce (as a label…because, let’s face it, it’s been the elephant in the room much of the year, whereever I have been, part of the conversation at some point, which is to be expected, but it will be waning until it is no longer!).

While 2009 felt as though it was the year of redefinition for me, 2010 will be about rediscovering myself, instead, as an ongoing journey, because isn’t that what life is really all about? Rediscovery is not something that ends, it is an iterative process, something that lives and breathes with you constantly, So, instead of redefining, I’m looking forward to continuing to rediscover myself – my wants, my challenges, my weaknesses, my interests, my fears – and chronicalling them here, as often as possible.

I’ll likely be posting some resolutions for 2010 in the next day or two and I say “likely” because I’m not quite sure what those are quite yet…but I hope to grasp some thoughts on that shortly, and share them with you, and document them so I can revisit them next December.

While the 2000’s have been my “full circle decade” – what has it meant to you? Isn’t it interesting to look back at ten years and compare who you were then, to who you are now?

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You may have noticed…I changed my header picture – this is a picture from a trip to Cape Cod on the weekend following my divorce court date. It was one of the best weekends of this past year, and this picture, to me, signifies life, a journey, and hope for the future.

I also *finally* updated my blog header to “3o-something” from “almost” 30-something (guess that was warranted, huh?!) and changed “redefining” to rediscovering – because that’s what 2010 is all about!!

I hit 20,000 visits to my blog overnight.

Amazing!!

What’s more amazing?

It took me about 8 months to reach 10,000 and only THREE months to double that to 20,000!

During the month of December, I had the highest visits for the year, so far, with 4,127 visits to-date (compare that to even three months ago, during the month of September with 2,293 hits…basically, doubling in that short period of time.

I’m very thankful for all of the visits from everyone, the hundreds and hundreds of comments I receive, and the friends I have met along the way. I now follow about 40 different blogs (mostly on divorce and dating, with a smattering of fitness and fun blogs thrown in for good measure!) and enjoy reaching each one and commenting on those that strike me. You are all incredible, and when I uncover a new blog or reader, it completely makes my day, and gives me such satisfaction!

I plan to continue blogging in 2010 (of course!), and though my blog will continue to evolve (as many of the blogs that started out solely as divorce blogs seem to have as well, as their journeys continue) as my life evolves, I hope to keep posting daily, so long as I have something interesting to say (and let’s face it, I am addicted to daily blogging!) and if I don’t, I won’t force it. I’m also hoping to enhance my blog a bit more, freshen it up, perhaps buy my domain (if I can figure it out!) and add more features. One of my many resolutions for 2010 (that I’ll blog about in coming days too!).

So, again, thank you – this blog, and you all, have made this year so much more bearable! I’ve learned a lot, laughed a lot, cried (a little!), and enjoyed each and every minute of it. To the next 20,000!

Seriously, WHY isn’t there a dating “rule book?”

I’ve written about this quite a few times now, and as I peruse some of my newfound dating blogs (check out …And THAT’s why you’re single for the fun blog title alone! Another good one I just found but haven’t dug into enough yet is Stories for the Single Girl Soul) it begs a few more questions swirling in my mind…

such as…how often is too often to contact boy #9 while he’s away visiting family and friends for the holidays and New Year’s Eve?

Not at all? Only by text? Just a phone call on New Year’s, perhaps?

Why aren’t there any rules?!

Yes, I realize, Overthinking Ollie is coming in to play again, when she really doesn’t need to, because I should just go with the flow, but it’s hard, because I don’t want to come across as overbearing, or clingy, or conversely, distant, noncommunicative.

So, to back up the overthinking train for a sec – we have been texting back and forth every few days, so that’s been fine. But I would like to talk to him on the phone at least once before oh, January 8 (earliest shot at getting together, realistically). Do I call? Do I see when he’s free to chat? And with texting, if he doesn’t reply to one, do I just not text back at all UNTIL he does? Or is that silly? Maybe the last text he didn’t respond to wasn’t really a text that warranted a response necessarily? Maybe I’m just to text-happy and feel the need (or want) to respond if he texts me?!

Wow, that’s a rambling question-filled, overthinking-laden paragraph, isn’t it?

This is why there should be rules. Dating rules, if you are out there, come find me, pretty please, with sugar on top? 😉

I wrote a post early on in my blogging days (February), quoting my favorite line from Lilo and Stitch (hey, it’s a cute movie!!) and I’m revisiting it today, as my vacation/holiday has been ALL about Ohana – or family.

As I’ve noted many times this year, my family has been my epicenter of support, and I’ve truly made a huge effort to recognize that, cherish it, and relish it, as often as possible.

During my almost-week off from work leading into the holidays and during the holidays, I’ve spent almost every single day with at least 1 or 2 members of my family, and usually more. It’s been awesome! I saw my mom quite a bit, we went shopping, we spent the day on Christmas together, traveling to and from Maine to see my grandparents. I spent Christmas morning and much of today with my sister Jen and brother in law Josh, sister Jess and brother in law Scott, and my grandparents. I spent Saturday night with Jess and Scott watching “The Hangover” and of course, worked out and practiced Group Kick with Jess. All about family this week, and I am so glad that’s how it turned out.

Now, as I sit here, soaking up the last few hours of vacation (even though I only have a 3-day work week before the New Year’s Eve festivities begin!), I have a smile on my face. I have one hell of a great family.

It’s been a day chock full of Group Kick, Group Kick, and more Group Kick and I had some VERY frustrating moments…to the point where the self-doubt, lack of confidence and downright panic set in. It was a range of emotions I haven’t quite felt in some time (thankfully!!) and I couldn’t shake it and realize that I’ve only been doing this for TWO weeks – TWO! – and it will start coming together. I’m not a patient person by nature, and our instructor for training, Natalie, said right upfront – we won’t be good at not being good at this – and she’s so right, I was SO not having it today!

Why the panic, fear and frustration, you say?

Well, today was our very first team practice, including three other instructors that are learning this release with us. Only difference – and it’s a big one – they already teach other classes! So, my sister and I practiced all morning, I practiced some more this afternoon and then headed to practice at 2.

And ya know what?

At first, it SUCKED. I was intimidated. I was nervous. I was even a little scared.

But as we started going through our tracks (and getting our asses kicked, basically, by our fitness director), I started feeling a little better, a little more on level ground with the others, and realizing that yes, this will take time, and yes, it will suck at times, but YES, I can do this.

As my sister aptly pointed out  (and I’m sure she’ll blog about it too!) – I’ve gone through a LOT worse in the last year…this should be cake, in comparison. And she’s right. As much as I didn’t want to admit she was right, she is. I’ll get through this – as my next challenge – I am DETERMINED to get through this. I need to walk the walk, instead of talking the talk, in this case, and channel my inner strength and confidence.

And yes, if you haven’t guessed it yet, this blog post is a pep talk to myself. Get used to it, there may be more of these in the future 🙂

Merry Christmas everyone!!! For tonight’s quote Friday, I am sharing the following quote, because it captures today, but also, more generally, a good mindset for me (and all of us) to consider more often…

“We do not remember days, we remember moments.”

Today is a perfect example – specific moments that will be seared in my mind – a fantastic Christmas, a happier Christmas than last year, a Christmas where I was able to spend time with my sisters (we’re usually all spread out with in-laws and such, but we found a way to make it work this year – Christmas mimosas and breakfast!!), quality time with my mom and an afternoon with my grandparents. It was really everything I wanted in today, and I feel content and happy this evening, recounting some of the moments of the day (some funny, some cute, some heartwarming):

  • My gram and I trying in earnest to remember the name of the children’s book where the main character takes everything literally. For example, she made a spongecake out of um, sponges. We racked our brains, and finally, FINALLY, on my drive home with mom, did I remember – Amelia Bedelia!! (my mom promptly called Gram to tell her!)
  • Flipping through the homemade calendars my aunt/uncle/cousin made for my mom and grandparents – complete with awesome pics from this summer (the best summer EVER), and one of the best pictures of my grandparents I have ever seen – they’re in the lake, forehead to forehead, my gram’s arms draped over Gramp’s shoulders, laughing. Priceless.
  • Enjoying to-die-for quiche (made by my sister Jen, the best cook ever!) this morning with mimosas made with my favorite champagne from Sonoma from J. Winery. De-lish.
  • Receiving texts upon texts from my friends wishing me a merry Christmas (and one from boy #9) – made me feel loved!
  • And, an “honorary” mention goes to last night’s Christmas Eve bash at my sister’s house with her in-laws (I’m an honorary member!) where I felt a part of the family, was greeted with hugs and kisses on the cheek, and chatted up throughout the day. It was great!

So , those are just a handful of the moments I remember from today – a simple, yet wonderful way to spend Christmas. I hope you all had a wonderful time with your families as well. And, if this is your first Christmas on your own after a divorce or break-up…please believe me when I say, it DOES get better. Look forward to the year ahead, because it will be amazing, you will grow, you will learn to laugh and smile again, and it will be a whole new world ahead of you.

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