January 2010


Round two – the “real” Kick preview this morning was jam-packed with 30 people.

WOW.

It was intense, it was exciting, it was HARD, and it was sweaty.

But it felt amazing, and the feeling was ten-fold to the “high” I felt after Friday night’s preview class.

As I again gazed around the room in between my tracks, glancing to my right to see a great friend trekking right along with us, and seeing the rest of the crew giving their all into this class, I felt like I was watching it all happen in slow-mo, from outside of my body, all the while putting every last bit of energy into each punch, kick, body rip, and jump knee. It may sound overly dramatic and “just” working out, to some, but this is something that I never in a million years thought I’d be doing, and sometimes I still can’t believe I took the chance in the first place.

It is as though taking the chance is almost as satisfying as the challenge in itself. Almost. But the challenge has been WAY more of a challenge than I was prepared for, so I gotta give credit to the challenge itself just a smidge more than taking it in the first place!

And beyond being amazed at what I’m capable of, both mentally and physically, it’s the first time in a long time that I’ve truly felt inspired and driven in the job at hand. Because, at the end of the day, what we are doing is a job, technically, one many do as a career (and something I secretly – okay not so secretly! – would love to do full-time, but that’s a story for another day…), and it feels so refreshing to love what I am doing all the way to my core. It has felt so rewarding and is teaching me so much about myself, in all aspects of my life, and I just love it, even with the ups and downs and frustrations that I’ve felt over the last month and a half.

And, my sister’s blog recaps some of the frustrations leading into today’s class, but I’m going to leave mine simple today, as I sit back and bask in the adrenaline rush that has slowly waned into the feeling of half-beaten (my body is slowly starting to ache!) and serenity.

…and enjoy the last bits of this weekend, which has literally flown by in an instant. But, it’s been worth it!

Last night was our first “preview” class for Group Kick, where we used the class to teach some employees at the gym the full release to get their feedback and make sure our cuing was easy enough to follow. While there were only three people in the class besides the five of us instructors, it was a good “training wheels” exercise!

The result? We nailed it!

We each taught 2-3 tracks each (there are 10 total) and rotated being on the platform (two at a time) so one would cue, and the other would just do the track in tandem. It flowed well, we swapped out quickly with the mic and music, and we got our energy levels up. I was looking around the room during my tracks and just soaking it in – I‘m doing this, WOW, was what was running through my mind – and it was a great feeling!! The class felt like a blur, it flew by, and I was a sweating, drenched mess by the end, but it was a great feeling, almost surreal.

…now tomorrow’s “preview” is for non-members and members by invite-only (so we have a couple of friends joining the class, which will be awesome!) to see how we do in front of a packed room – at least 25 people are expected to show up! Eek!! But, now that we did last night’s preview, I feel better, having one under my belt, and I think we’ll all do great tomorrow.

It’s just still so hard to imagine that we’re here, at this point, after training in mid-December and working our asses off ever since. It’s been an amazing short-term journey and I’m excited to see where it leads me, and all of us. I feel like I’ve been in boot camp or as a child “sleep away camp” with these people (sister included, which is always a bonus!) and we’ve all jived really well and had a great time figuring it all out. Now, we’re ready to get on the real stage, step it up and show ’em what we got.

I think we’ll ‘kick some’ tomorrow and then, onward towards the launch next Saturday, where anyone can join and Group Kick is officially unveiled at my gym, and will be added to the weekly schedule. We’re almost to the finish line (yet so far, too, since we still have lots of work ahead of us, tightening up our form, refining our cuing, and adding more fun to it, before we do our video assessments in mid-March to get officially certified), and this is by far, one of the best decisions I’ve made – going for it, even though it’s scared the bejesus out of me almost daily 😉

I’ve had my first week where I’ve felt a little more down than up (nothing terribly bad, of course, just feeling anxious about finding love, as you’ve all been reading!) and my realization last night, that I’m so much LESS sad, even when I AM sad made me select this quote, courtesy of Chaz Recovering, for Quote Friday:

“A year of pain will teach us far more than a lifetime of comfort.”

I think this holds true for a lot of things – the easy road may be easy but what does it really teach you? Not a heck of a lot. So, while the last year (plus) has had it’s fair share of pain, I’ve learned more than I can even capture in 1, 5, 10 blog posts, and firmly believe I am a newer, better, stronger, happier, more grateful person than ever before.

When talking to some of my blog “family” that aren’t as far along in their journey, and they lament on getting from “here to there” (here being the divorce process and pain that goes along with it, and there being where I am now, post-divorce, truly living more happily again), it’s hard to communicate that, though the pain, anger, and healing process is tough, in the end, it’s worth going through, because you just learn so much, and you value things so much more than ever before.

And, part of that may be specific to my particular journey, but in reading others’ journeys, and comments on my blog on my struggle with accepting that I sort of need to “let go” of trying to control finding the one that will sweep me off my feet (and yes, oh yes, he WILL sweep me off my feet, I’m convinced *wink*), and their lamenting on how they got to their current, loving, wonderful relationships, I realize that I need to take my own advice here, and have faith that the next phase of my journey – finding love – WILL happen.

Why?

Because I have so many wonderful pieces of proof – for all of my blog “family” and “real life” friends that have gone through divorce only to find true love and happiness – that I know it will happen for me too. And I can’t wait to experience it all unfold…when it’s meant to.

Thank you all for your outpouring of support this week, in particular, you’ve made me laugh, you’ve made me smile, and you’ve made me realize that I’ll find what I’m looking for, but just need to sit back a little, have faith, and watch it unfold.

It’s called life.

I was sitting in BDFF (best divorced fab friend)’s office today and we were just catching up about life, in general, and a bit about our lives now, versus last year (as we both went through divorce almost at the same time, but the big difference is that she was with her ex for over a dozen years, and has two beautiful little girls) and it hit me…

Damn, my life has so much LESS sadness in it than last year.

Now, maybe that sounds like “no duh, Einstein” but for some reason, it came rushing back. That feeling. BDFF and I had many a closed-door conversation/cry/bitchfest about our situations last year, and I am so thankful to have had someone rightthere at some of those moments where I just wanted to curl up into a ball and hide, instead of putting on a “face” at work and pretending like life was just peachy.

So, when we were sitting there, chatting about me being 30 and in a sense, feeling like I’m starting over (but fresh, too, so that’s not necessarily a bad thing!) and her too, at almost 35, from square one, even though that feels daunting, on one hand, on the other, it feels so good to be where I am now, versus last year. It brought back that perspective that I feel I’ve lost a little sight of lately, and I think I needed that today.

I’m not sad. I’m not angry. I’m not hurt. And that, my friends, is the greatest feeling in the world.

~~~

On a side note – we had a boxing class to go to tonight (the last few weeks, to do some drills to prep for Group Kick) and I must say, there are some cuties in that class that I’ve never seen before. I’m secretly hoping they migrate to our Group Kick classes when they start a week from Saturday. I see potential…hey, at least for some good eye candy, if nothing more, right?!

…and there’s always CSB to look at, even though CSBGF is still in the picture. I neglected to mention that SHE came to spinning the other week, and wow, I knew immediately. Why? Because he wouldn’t even look me straight in the face, for one, nor talk to me, or anything. It was QUITE interesting, I must say. But I digress 😉

Wow, I didn’t realize yesterday’s post was going to gather such an outpouring of support (THANK YOU – I can never say it enough!), and words of encouragement and insight. Your comments also spurred tonight’s post – what I’m calling my search for the happy medium.

One of my favorites posted a comment that was so wonderful:

All I have to say is don’t rush it. Enjoy what you have right now, be happy, stay adventurous and live for you. Discover your wants, desires, and needs first and when you least expect it that perfect companion will find you. If you miss dating, stop your hiatus, keep your eyes peeled, go on dates, enjoy it. And trust me, when you are “looking” for it, you never find it, it’s when you stop looking, stop taking things too seriously, go out have fun and just be happy, that’s when “he” finds you.

When I read it – it reminded me of what I would have posted as a comment to a blog on this topic (and well, she is one of my bestest, so I’m not surprised that her words reminded me of my own!) and words I should be taking to heart. But, it also got me thinking back to the question of what DO I want?!

And, I think the answer to that question is – I want the happy medium.

What is the happy medium, for me?

The happy medium is sort of what I had with boy #9 (not to keep referring back to that, as it’s over, but it’s the closest comparison I have personally experienced since my divorce) – nothing official in terms of a relationship, but dating one person, seeing them 1-2 times a week, but still having my independence as a single woman, exploring my still-somewhat-new world and figuring out what I want in a relationship. Okay, sure, that still sounds a little wishy-washy, but for now, it is what suits me right now. The one-off dating is harder, since you’re always starting at the awkward first date with no real sense of if there will be a date #2 or not (after going through 8 non-starters, it gets old, trust me!).

And, I know what some of you may say – don’t limit yourself to NOT getting into a relationship, because you never know if you’ll happen upon it anyway (okay, maybe that’s ultimately what I am hoping will happen with TBD next man in my life, but who’s counting), or you shouldn’t rush into a relationship anyway (hopefully it’s pretty clear by now that I’m not the rush into it type, or the force-fit type, and to be honest, after being on my own now for, oh, 1 year 4 months – but who’s counting – I wouldn’t really call it rushing it at this point anyway!), or you should let it happen organically.

All of that is true in some form or fashion, but for me, setting out for somewhere in the middle of all that feels “right” to me. And, of course, all that could be tossed out the window if my Prince Charming walks through the door, but that I won’t believe till I see it or feel it 😉

And yes, this post screams Overthinking Ollie – but hey, that’s who I am. I think about stuff, I ruminate, I debate, I hem, I haw, you call it what you want, but it helps me move forward and figure out my next step, so I’ll own it – my overthinking ways have never really steered me in the wrong direction. Yet.

Just sayin’

Why do I say that?

Because I think I am getting so engrossed into those that are dating (Simone – I’ll take the very, very nice man! Send him my way! Moxie aka And THAT’s why you’re single blogger, love your OK Cupid experiment!), have wonderful relationships with men that deserve them (shout-outs to T, and MommaSunshine, to name two!) and also to those taking chances with potential partners that may not typically seem like potentials (Snark, this one’s for you!) – that I’m wishing I had bits of pieces of all of those things. It’s a reminder that I haven’t found anyone to truly feel love for (or to love me, for that matter) yet, and I want that. Maybe I want it more than I should right now, or maybe part of it is simply because I AM reading about these wonderful experiences some of those in my blog family are having, and I hope to have that soon.

Yes, this is me admitting that perhaps I am a little jealous.

Not in a bad way, or a competitive way or anything like that. But hell, I WANT that. So, maybe I am too engrossed in my blogroll and need to focus on me and only me. But who am I kidding?! I love my blog family and reading their posts, many of which are daily, because on the flip side, it gives me hope that it’ll happen to me too, and probably – and I hate this, because it sounds so cliched, but it couldn’t be more true – when I least expect it.

And as I was mentioning to BSF today, I sorta kinda miss dating. It was keeping me busy, it was fun, and I looked forward to it.

But again, on the flip side, I know I don’t have a lot of time right now and bluntly, there’s slim pickins’ on OK Cupid and match.com (though match.com is moot since I’m not subscribed right now anyway) so I know I’m not missing much in the online dating department.

So, for now, I’ll continue living somewhat vicariously through my wonderful blog family (and “real life” friends that are dating, have wonderful men/women in their lives) and keep the faith that it will happen for me too.

Easier said than done, but I can do it. I’ve gone through far worse, clearly 😉

Every Sunday or Monday night, I watch the week’s Joel Osteen sermon on TBN, and it helps set the tone for the week, keep me positive and help me think clearer and more focused. Sometimes you just need a little extra positivity boost, and sometimes it just feel refreshing to hear the things you try to live on a daily basis.

This week’s sermon falls into both categories for me, as it was all about letting go of the past and expecting MORE than the status quo for our lives. A few snippets I jotted down will follow, with my thoughts, and here is an excerpt of the sermon itself as well:

Ephesians 3:20 says, “God is able to do exceedingly, abundantly above and beyond all we can imagine.” When you live a life that honors God by obeying His Word and you are a person of excellence and integrity, then the Scripture says that God’s blessings will chase you down and overtake you. You won’t be able to outrun the good things of God. God doesn’t want you to have an average life with average relationships, just barely getting by. No, God desires that in all things you prosper in Him. He wants to amaze you with His goodness. He wants to mend broken relationships, bring healing, and do the impossible in your life. But too often, we let our past set the tone for our future and we’re not really expecting anything different. God wants us to shake off the old and embrace the new thing He wants to do in our lives now, expect His far and beyond favor now.

It feel so encouraging to read this passage because it makes me feel so much better about my life, about where this decade will take me, knowing I have God in my corner, and knowing He will bless me with the good, that it will happen for me, I just need to keep that faith alive and know it will happen. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not next month, but when it is MEANT to happen.

He also goes on to say that we shouldn’t drag around the baggage from the past and expect God’s goodness in the future, which is absolutely true. While the last decade has bearing on the next, it shouldn’t dictate it…no matter how tough 2009 was, this is a new decade and things have shifted for the better. Going into each day thinking: This difficulty isn’t going to stop me, it’s meant to bring me down, but God’s going to use it to lift me up. – that is such a powerful message for me!

He also goes on to say:

Too often we allow our circumstances to set the tone. All that does is set us up for more of the same. Don’t ever name your future by your present concerns and circumstances. Don’t go into 2010 thinking already that it will be a hard year, that you won’t get any breaks. Name your future blessed, prosperous, successful, talented, wise. You may feel like you are stuck in a rut and you won’t rise any higher…don’t speak of that. Name your future, see that God’s face is shining down on your. Your greatest victories aren’t behind you, they are still ahead of you. When you think of your future, think of that enthusiasm. Think that something good is going to happen to you. Be confident.

Don’t let the past set the tone for our future…shake that off, it’s time to arise, it’s a new day, put on a new attitude. Don’t come into the new decade down in the dumps, discouraged, no dreams, no goals, no enthusiasm, make up your mind to shine this year and be your very best. The glory of the Lord is on you.

I’ve been so up and down during the last week or so, feeling a little ho-hum about my life right now, only because it feels a bit at a standstill, but hearing Joel’s words gave me the hope and optimism back that I was starting to lose. I’ve worked hard to stay positive, while still being realistic over the last year, and in feeling like I was backsliding away from that was frustrating me, because I don’t want to be sad, I don’t want to be down or pessimistic, I want to be happy. That’s me and I’m going to strive to bring that back, and try to remember these words when I start getting down.

And I think these words are again universal, to anyone who gets stuck in a negativity rut. And ya know what? It’s just not worth it to be negative and down. It doesn’t accomplish anything, so why not just try and make the best of what you’ve been handed?

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