February 2010


Well.

That was quite the date.

27 hours of it, in fact!

Yep, you read that right. I just had a 27 hour date with CBE and I’m calling it date #3 (4 and 5-ish) since it was 1) so long and 2) three meals long (so, theoretically, that could be three dates, right?!). Not that the number of dates really matter all that much in the grand scheme of things, but still 😉

It was a wonderful time, and I’m pleasantly surprised! Not that I was going into this date with doubts, necessarily, but like I said in my last few posts on CBE, I just wasn’t sure where it was going. Do I now?

I think I like him.

A lot.

We just meshed really well, we laughed a LOT, it felt natural, and there was always a good flow of conversation. We talked about a lot of things. From our past relationships, to dating lives (his last date was last March, actually, and his last relationship was two years ago), to funny stories from childhood, to vacations we’ve taken (and would still like to take). We talked about each other, what we liked – mentally and physically – and our feelings so far, for each other. It’s a mutual “like” and I like knowing where I stand and knowing that I can be upfront with him where I stand and how I feel too. I don’t feel pressure to jump into anything serious, and I like that we are taking the pace at the same uh, pace, and it feels like the potential is brewing ever so steadily.

And of course, the chemistry continues to be there. He’s quite…attentive? I think that’s a good way of putting it, because he’s just very in touch with making a woman feel wanted and attractive and appreciated. I really like that. He’s not like anyone I have ever dated or had a relationship with in the past. Polar opposite in many ways, physically and personality-wise, but I’m digging it (and damn, those blue eyes are pretty piercing!). And, I may, just may admitted that my sister dubbed him Captain Blue Eyes….to which he blushed, literally, from head to toe. That was one of a few priceless moments of the night.

So, there you have it. While I don’t “know” yet for sure if this is going to flourish into something long-term yet, that’s okay. For now, it feels like it’s on a good, healthy path. From here? Who knows for sure (except that date #4/5/6ish depending on how you count it, is already in the works). And that’s okay with me.

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I want to clear the air on something.

And maybe it’s just my reaction to others’ opinions and advice to my “leaping slowly” with CBE (which, don’t get me wrong, I embrace and appreciate every single word!), but generally, I feel as though I get this reaction to many of my dating excursions (from “real life” and blog friends):

“When it’s right, you’ll just know instantly.”

I almost 100% disagree with that statement and hey, I’m completely happy if I’m proved wrong at some point, but I honestly am not sure if that’s actually a realistic statement.

I’ve never really “known” instantly whoever I’ve dated (or married, for that matter! I didn’t know “instantly” that Pete was “the one”) now or previous to my marriage that they were “right” or a “match” and to hear that as often as I feel I do (please friends/family, I hope this isn’t offensive, as I don’t mean it to be, I just want to share how I’m feeling and my thoughts on this subject as I’ve been mulling it over for some time now) gets a little bit frustrating, because it makes it feel as though CBE (in this case, or others, in the past) is “written off” as a potential, when I don’t honestly know if it is going to continue, if it should continue, or if I want it to continue. It’s only been two dates so far, and I don’t think it’s fair to say that because I am not sure yet if/where it’s headed that it’s not a potential “match.”

What I wholeheartedly believe – and what BSF stated ever so eloquently yesterday when I was getting her take on this, is this statement:

You’ll know when you’re supposed to know.

THAT I can stand behind and THAT I believe. Maybe I’m a smidge jaded, or maybe I’m just trying to keep my “puppies and kittens” attitude at bay just a little bit and be realistic. Figuring out if there is potential in someone takes time. It isn’t just instant, no matter what. If I went about my dating life with the idea that “I’ll know instantly,” theoretically, I could write-off a potential mate that is “the one” just because it wasn’t instantaneous.

So, that’s my take – and as usual, I am always, always, always open to your opinions and feedback (if I wasn’t, I wouldn’t write about my dates or my feelings about those dates!), so I hope this doesn’t come across the wrong way at all, but it’s just something I wanted to share my perspective on.

This is just me being realistic more than optimistic (I know, it’s a switch, since I’m usually the uber-optimist, aren’t I?) and I think in this case, it’s warranted.

It’s been sort of an up and down week for me.

I’ve been ridiculously tired (not really sure why!), and have had my share of frustrations with Group Kick this week (but feel better after my reality bitch-slap!), and the weather here in New England has been borderline monsoon (thankfully, no snow!) – and on top of that, I’ve been up to my Overthinking Ollie ways a bit in terms of CBE, so I thought today’s quote Friday was quite appropriate:

“Maybe all we can hope to do is end up with the right regrets.”

Tackling Group Kick first – at times in the past couple of weeks, I have questioned whether the stress and intensity of this particular journey has been worth the effort, partially because of this over-tiredness – and then I realize that I am completely going against everything I write about in my blog and everything I stand for – taking chances and the leap of faith that whatever decisions I make, ultimately shape who I am and make me a better person.  And then, this posted to my “fitness idol” Cathe’s web site and that passion and fire came flooding back (my sis has a fab post that expands on this more, and a lot of my thoughts exactly!)…NO REGRETS, if I make it, I make it, and if I don’t,  at least I went for it and tackled something completely and utterly outside of my comfort zone, right?

Next – CBE. I plan to post a few more thoughts on “knowing when you know it’s ‘right'” this weekend, but after my posts on CBE this week, and the feedback I’ve heard from you all (and from my “real life” friends and family), I’m still staying on the optimistic route of this – there is huge potential, as far as I am concerned, this feels much more real than anyone else I have dated so far, and if I didn’t keep exploring it, I would most definitely regret it. So, I’m going for it…and you can’t stop me 😉

And generally, I just really, really, really love this quote. It so simply states what I stand behind and what I try to strive for on a daily basis, and what I try to inspire and help others do as well – LIVE your life, because the worst feeling in the world, to me, is regret. It’s an awful emotion, and one that is not easily escapable. So, you take chances and risks that maybe push you out of your comfort zone – so what? No harm in that. More harm in not accepting the challenge and always wondering “what if?” and regretting taking the challenge that was handed to you.

So, on that note, happy Friday everyone! I’m heading into what I’m hoping is a fabulous weekend. Cheers!

So, date #3 with CBE is looming (this Saturday) and we’ve been chatting (couple phone call,  some texts, couple emails here and there) and continuing to get to know each other. And it feels like there could be some potential there, but at at the same time, it’s still much too early to really “know” what’s there, if that makes any sense.

And the overthinking starts to kick in…am I doing this for the right reasons (going after a 41 year old man; does that make sense? does it matter?), do I want to potentially get into a relationship of some kind in the near future, does CBE want the same things as me, or is he just *saying* the right things?

And then I think that I’m either playing it “too” safe by questioning everything, overthinking every last detail, or am I just simply going into it with eyes wide open.

I think it’s probably a combination of overthinking and being heathily cautious, but I won’t lie, I’m sort of driving myself crazy.

I don’t want to rush into anything.

I don’t want to get ahead of myself.

I don’t want to jump to conclusions.

I don’t want to overthink.

And I’m not doing those things…at least I don’t think I am. But I just begin to question everything that I am doing, everything that I want (or think I want, in a relationship) and wondering if this is right. I think I want it to be right. I think I’m not sure yet if it IS right. And I think that’s the part that frustrates me – being unsure, but hopeful, not knowing what the future holds.

I think that’s normal, but there I go, overthinking again! Is it normal?! Or because I am overthinking and questioning…does that mean I shouldn’t leap slowly?!

See what I mean? I drive myself crazy, just a little.

And then I read a beautiful post by T today that was all about allowing…”not forcing and allowing it to be.” And that struck a chord with me as I need to allow myself to 1) feel what I feel, and trust my judgement and feelings, 2) allow myself to play this out, and see what happens and 3) stop taking it *so* damn seriously….yet. It’s only a third date, what’s the worst that can happen, honestly?!

I need to revert back to having fun with this, and not stressing so damn much about where these dates could lead – a relationship or not – a dead-end. And just let it happen. So, that’s what I’m going to do, and I’m going to have fun doing it too.

So, what do you think? Am I on the right path? Does anyone think I’m crazy – either way?! Maybe that’s a loaded question…

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On another note, I received a wonderful comment from “Katherine from Georgia” who came across my blog last night and read almost the entire thing in one sitting. I am touched, I am speechless, and THIS is exactly why I love blogging. Here’s her comment:

So basically it’s 5am in Georgia, and i just read February – August 2009 of your blog. (Thankfully, i do not have work tomorrow.) I found it by randomly searching a quote “the reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be” to see who the quote was by, and now i’m addicted! I can’t wait to read September to now to see what you’ve been up to! (tomorrow:). I feel as if i’m reading a book i can’t put down! love, love, love your blog! Best wishes to you! -Katherine from GA

And not always in a bad way 😉

I’ve been *extremely* frustrated with Group Kick over the past week or so, as our fitness director (let’s call her Kimmy) has been pretty MIA and as my sister recapped in a blog post, last Saturday’s class was supremely frustrating as our director pretty much pointed out our mistakes as we were teaching (bad form, IMHO!), and never actually gave us feedback afterwards.

And, in all honestly, it was frustrating because we both feel we know what we are doing, our form is good, and we’re just fine-tuning some pre-cuing and such.

…and then we practiced this morning with a few of the other instructors, and man, what a reality check that was!

The things Kimmy pointed out – “wingy” hooks, weak kicks, etc. – uhh, were dead on.

It was as if before that, anytime Kimmy gave us feedback, I reverted back to sitting in high school, where the teacher is staring at you, giving you constructive criticism, and you look at them and think, “who, me?!” – when uh, it IS you they are talking about.

So, the reality check of that was a huge eye-opener and felt like a bit of a bitch-slap because I am not fond of admitting when I am wrong, but in this case, I am wrong. My form does need work. I need to let go of the frustration and just work on fine-tuning those areas that I thought were good, and make them good, make them better than good, and make them great.

Because, as my sister always says – “we got this!”

I just need to remember that, and know that while reality can be a bitch sometimes, sometimes we need that to actually change, to improve, and grow.

This is me – admitting I am wrong, and looking forward to improving, and totally kicking ass for our video assessment that is looming in just a few more weeks (or a month, max!).

Hey, if I can get through divorce, I can get through Kick, right?! 🙂

This thought came to me on my drive home today. As I enter year two of To Be Determined, I’d love to add a few guest bloggers here and there, if anyone is interested.

What am I curious about, in terms of topics?

Well, I think the sky’s the limit, really, but I’d love to see some thoughts on what blogs inspire you in your (and/or our) blog “family” or community, what are some of your a-ha moments from being part of such a fabulous group of bloggers. Also love to hear your thoughts on “where to go from here” as a theme and this can also be anything…from “where to go from here” post-divorce, to “where to go from here” diving into your first relationship post-divorce, to “where to go from here” in life. I know, it’s wishy-washy, and if nobody’s interested, hey, that’s fine, I just thought I’d ask around and see if anyone’s interested. And, of course, if anyone wants to write something as it relates specifically to advice you’d give me as I trot along on my journey, I’m always open to that too, I drink this stuff in, you know that by now!

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And…I know we have a potential blog “family reunion” to plan/organize for the fall timeframe, but I’ve been toying with Bloggers in Sin City (and after seeing According to Me’s note about needing a roomie, it made me even more tempted!). Anyone else thinking about or planning on going? It looks like an awesome time, and hey, Vegas in May sounds pretty fabulous to me for some fun in the sun (can you tell I’m totally vitamin D-deprived and am craving any sort of warmth, tan, and vacation?!) so I thought I’d toss it out there. Come on…you know you want to…!

I know it’s just shy of three months into the new year, but on my drive home today, I began to think of some of my resolutions for the year, and if I’m staying true to my word on any of them yet.

Which one jumped right out at me?

Continue being uncomfortable. Um, hello, CBE and “out of my comfort zone” – how weird is that?! Now that I’ve gone on a couple of dates with him, though, and talked to him quite a bit on the phone and over email, I’m realizing that it is already feeling less and less “unchartered” and more and more an interesting part of my journey that I’m excited to see where it lands me. He’s very thoughtful, has a politeness/chivalry to him (not “old fashioned” really, just a stand-up kind of guy, so far, anyway) and well, attentive.

This is probably the first time I haven’t felt like I’ve had to drive things forward as in dates past. It feels pretty balanced, and I dig that. I know where I stand as well, which is something that has frustrated me with other dating excursions, and maybe that’s a maturity thing, or just his (and my) ability and wish to be upfront and honest. It’s refreshing. So, while it is still feeling somewhat “out of my comfort zone” – it is feeling more and more comfortable. If that makes any sense?

In re-reading my resolutions, I also realized that there is one resolution I didn’t add, but typically add it each year, because I just can’t get past it. What is it? Taking a compliment!

I’m horrible at it. I’ve mentioned this before, but I actually can’t believe I didn’t make it a resolution this year. I bring this up because I’ve fallen into the same bad habit of brushing off some pretty nice compliments this week and got so annoyed with myself afterwards.

For example, my hairdresser said I looked skinny and “great” this weekend – that made my DAY, it really did. But what did I say? I sort of thanked her, but waved my arm, like “who, me? Nah!” I don’t know that I’ve actually lost weight, but with all of the working out I have been doing lately, in addition to Group Kick class and practice, I do feel like I’m gaining tone and muscle, but still, regardless, I should have just been gracious, thanked her, and let it “make my day.”

Why is it so hard to just take them in?! Maybe it’s a woman thing.

And CBE. He’s just complimentary all over the place and what do I do? Sort of blush and smile, but don’t really say much…maybe I say thank you, I don’t even remember, because I tend to brush it off so fast (silly!)! This happened with boy #9 too, and I guess I’m just not used to it, but it is something I still have trouble with, it’s a terribly bad habit and in a way, I bet it can come across as ungracious or standoffish, which is exactly the opposite of what I want!

So, I guess I’m adding that BACK to my resolutions list. And I need to get cracking on these – man – I have to get back into running to do that half marathon (1-2 times a week at most ain’t cutting it!), the vacation alone is calling my name, as is really updating my blog and getting my own domain going, among the rest on the list. I know, it’s only February, but I’m totally serious about reaching all of these goals this year.

So, maybe call me an overachiever. It’s who I am 😉

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