The sixth in a series of posts on the beginning of the end of my marriage, and a look back at our relationship, from meeting, dating, engagement, and the in-laws (that could be an entire blog in itself, but that’s a story for another day…!).

Borrowing a term Cindy used in a comment to me – calling divorce the atomic bomb – tonight’s post is focused on the effect of my divorce beyond just on me – to my family and friends, and how difficult it was to actually tell people that I was going through divorce.

In fact, as I mentioned in a previous post, I leaned pretty heavily on one of my sister’s to “do the dirty work” and tell some of my friends and family for me, because I couldn’t bring myself to do it myself, because I was partially ashamed and partially because I was physically unable to speak those words, and share what had happened without crying, shaking and being completely unable to even get the words out.

Some of my memories from when the word got out…the atomic bomb begins (beyond what I described when I told my sister Jess, one of the hardest things for me)…

…my mother. I’d told her bits and pieces as the conversations began, but when it was really happening, I remember calling her from my sitting room in my house. I was sitting in a tan armchair and my cats were sitting in my lap. I called her, and I explained everything. And I was crying, tears streaming down my face, my cheeks, my chest. I remember she had a similar reaction to my sister Jess – that he needed to talk to someone, that it couldn’t be me, or us, that it was something else. And when it became clear that this was happening, she was so supportive, even though her mama bear instincts wanted to come out – and came out a little, but lovingly so – and was just the right amount “mom” as she was my friend, my confidant, and my advisor. Thank you…the pride you’ve had for where I’ve come touches me, and makes ME proud. Thank you.

…my sister Jen. I couldn’t even tell Jen, because I was so pained, so sad, and at that point, had only told Jess and my mom. I don’t know why I had such a hard time telling Jen, beyond just the pain of it. But I remember asking Jess to tell Jen, and then she called me. I could barely say hello, because I knew what she was going to say. She was already crying…I was in my kitchen, trying to make dinner for myself, and I dropped everything and slowly sank to the floor and just cried. I barely spoke, she barely spoke, we just cried together. It was a bonding experience, and one of several quite poignant moments between us that I will never forget. A few days later, she sent me a beautiful card and I called her again, and cried, and just felt so loved and supported in the quiet unspoken way that I needed. To this day, thank you Jen, thank you so much for your support and love.

…my BDF (best divorced friend). I had hinted in emails to her that something was going on, but she had no idea what it was. I remember calling her – and mind you, this was a few weeks (or maybe even a month) after it all started. And, as you know, she went through divorce too, and not all too long prior, so she was acutely aware of the pain that comes along with it. So I called her. And she lives in Florida, so we only talked every few months at that point (mostly on email), and I started to tell her, and started to cry. Again, I sunk to the floor, this time in my living room, and just blubbered it all out. I cried. She cried. We both cried, and it was what I needed. It was as if she was right there, crying with me, virtually hugging me, and she just talked and talked, and shared her thoughts and was supporting, and not “anti-Pete” or anything, she just supported. It was what I needed then, and it’s still what I love about our friendship now, I feel supported all these miles away, and now, we laugh, and we talk dating, and we talk life, and it’s wonderful…thank you BDF, you’re the best, and I am convinced I wouldn’t have come through this without your support, and I’m so glad we’re so much closer now, than ever before (and, don’t think I forget when you sent me flowers for valentine’s day last year – it was the most thoughtful thing a friend has ever done for me!). XOXO. Divorce unites us

…my “girls night” friends. My sister Jess again had the task of telling my friends for me – my really close group of friends, that is, in an email. She had me read it first – and I cried. I was shaking, and didn’t want to tell them, even though I really did want them to know. The outpourings of emails back was amazing. I cried over and over as she forwarded them to me…several of them crying when they read the emails, several of them wondering what they could do to help, how they could support me. And above all else – they all stuck by me without “choosing” my side…in other words, none of the bad-mouthed, none of the were negative, they were all just supportive and focused on me, not us, or him. It was exactly what I needed.

…my grandparents and my Nonna. Once again, I was unable to tell either my Nonna or my grandparents about my divorce…my mom did that for me, thankfully, and perfectly so. I remember visiting my grandparents for Thanksgiving – a Thanksgiving I will never forget, as my sister Jen spent it with me, instead of with her husband and in-laws, making the day bearable, and memorable for many reasons – and they didn’t really say much at first, but hugged me, and I could see it in their eyes, their sorrow for what was happening. I remember my grandfather’s prayer at the dinner table, and he mentioned something about being with those in need and I know he was talking about me, and it took all I had in me not to cry. When I left, my grandmother put her head on my shoulder as she hugged me, and said she was so sorry and they were praying for me. Again, it took all that I had in me not to cry and crumple right there. It was the perfect amount of words. And, my Nonna. The last time I ever really got to spend time with her on Christmas Eve, as I have mentioned several times before…are forever engraved in my heart and soul forever. Thank you God for giving me grandparents that mean the world to me, and are as supportive as they ever could be.

~~~

Those are just a few of my most poignant memories…and in terms of reactions, I would have to say that the most poignant reaction is from my brother in law and his reaction to everything.

Now, mind you, he and Pete were VERY close…best friends close. And when this happened – Scott was so angry and defensive – FOR ME – and he was just so taken aback that Pete could just give up, without even trying to fix it. He tried to talk sense into Pete, as did my sister Jess, over hours-long conversations that went nowhere, no matter how hard they tried. Over the months, and now year (plus), he’s been amazingly supportive and I couldn’t ask for more. I stayed over in their guest room almost every single weekend for at least 6-9 months, and they never complained, they always made me feel welcomed, and his parents even took me in as an “adopted” in-law. It was amazing – and their whole family is wonderful.

~~

So, while divorce was an atomic bomb in my life, affecting so many people close to me, it ultimately brought me closer to my family and good friends, and showed me WHO my friends really were, and who weren’t.

~~

To my blog “family” – don’t forget – read this and let me know if you’re interested 🙂

Advertisements