Note: I’ve gone through the day feeling ambivalent about CBE and I can’t really shake it. I’m writing my second post of the day, but am going to hold this until Tuesday, and post it then, see how I am feeling at that time, and compare, maybe re-write portions of this, but I feel like I need to “blog it out” for lack of a better term.

Update: re-reading my post this morning and I’ve added comments in bold throughout.

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Ambivalence. It feels heavy and I’m not sure why. I can’t put my finger on it.

Is it CBE?

Is it my feelings toward CBE? Some lack of feelings? Too many feelings? Unsure feelings? All of the above? Parts of the above?

Is it me? My hesitation over getting into a relationship? Fear of getting hurt? Worry over whether this is what I want? All of the above? Parts of the above?

Is it just that conversation we had that is bothering me? Maybe. that’s what I think it is, but I’m just not sure (and I realize I am overthinking, the more I think about that conversation! More of a blip than hardcore unsure feelings)

Thus, ambivalence.

I like CBE. I like a lot about him. I like that he challenges my thinking. I like that he can be intense, but on the flip side, funny, goofy, happy-go-lucky. I like that he knows what he wants, has a good head on his shoulders, is driven, and is happy.

I wanted a man that wanted happiness. Strived for it. Had a sense of perspective.

Now that I have it in my grasp…is it what I want? Is it too intense? Too similar yet conflicting to my own approach?

I’m really not sure.

Thus, ambivalence.

Is it okay to still feel undecided on where this is headed, about a month and a half into it? I think it is, to an extent, because we do live farther apart, so our time together is limited (though, when we have it, it is plentiful. So it goes from 0 to 60 and then back to 0 pretty quickly).

But then I wonder – and as BDF also noted – is it my hesitation to get into a relationship or hesitation to get into a relationship with CBE?

I don’t know. I think it’s the former, but I’m not sure.

Thus, ambivalence.

I’m going to stick with the party line of – we’ll see what happens – because right now, I still like him, I’m still happy (‘cept this pesky overthinking/ambivalence!) we get along great, and he has many of the qualities I’m looking for. If it continues, great, and we’ll go from there. I’m not going to force-fit anything, I’m not going to stay in something that doesn’t make me happy, but I am going to see this through.

While I still have some ambivalent feelings about things right now, re-reading my post (and making comments in bold throughout – this is my comments to my own thoughts from last night – follow my approach here?!), what still jumps out at me is this –

I like him. A lot about him.

So, for that reason, I think it’s a good approach for me to stick to it for now, and see where it heads. My gut tells me to do that, because there isn’t anything inherently wrong with where we are at this moment, so why toss it out the window?

And, as if on cue, I get a text from him this morning that says “I miss you.” (as I’ve sort of pulled back in the last 24 hours or so, perhaps he’s sensing that, or perhaps his feelings are coming more and more to light…or a combination of those).

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Now, I’m sure I’m going to get a mixed bag of reactions to this post, sort of how I got a mixed bag to yesterday’s post, but I appreciate all of it, the encouragement, and the constructive feedback as well. I take it all in, but also make sure to toe that line firmly enough so I keep my own opinions intact, while taking everyone else’s into consideration as well. If that makes any sense (I just don’t want to necessarily let others’ opinions bleed into my own too much – as this is still my life, my relationships, and my journey, right?!).

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