First of all, thank you everyone for all of your feedback over the past two days on my ambivalent feelings towards CBE and/or getting into a relationship (since I clearly can’t decide what the ambivalence is about!), I truly appreciate it, and all of it has been helpful in one way or another.
I must say, though, that the feedback was, well, all over the map! From Diary of a Divorced Guy suggesting that perhaps my gut is telling me to walk away, from several others viewing this as simply overthinking and that I should just enjoy it for what it is/was (a blissful weekend, beginnings of something promising), to two very insightful comments from T that really helped me (here and here), and finally, to another great question to ask myself, from Shannon.
While I’ve addressed each of these comments, I do want to expand a little bit more on Shannon’s quesetion, in particular, first:
Think if it this way for awhile…what if you weren’t seeing him this weekend? Would you think about him all weekend or would you feel free to be more yourself?
The answer to that? I’m really not sure. But, I am more leaning towards not seeing him this weekend for that very reason – to see if this ambivalence feels like it’s him, or the premise of a potential relationship (and, as an update, he threw out his back this afternoon and told me he may not be up for company on Friday, now, anyway, so it may be a moot point).
To some of T’s comments:
Breathe. Observe how you feel when you’re with him. Try not to react but observe. You might even consider keeping a feelings journal outside of the blog to track those things.
This is what I need to do – I react, I don’t observe. Or, I observe after the fact and overthink.
It’s clouding my thoughts and judgements, for sure. Snark had a similar comment that I found helpful, and right in line with what I am thinking – if he isn’t wiling to bend or meet in the middle on my own perspective on happiness and expressing feelings, then that’s probably a bad sign or over-rigidity. I tend to agree fully there.
So, back to the all over the map-ness (yes, that’s a word, in my book!) – I’m still feeling that way, and I’m really not sure what my next step is beyond definitely seeing him again to see where things stand, see how I feel, discuss the whole happiness/feelings thing, and see if we can come to some kind of consensus.
And, who knows, maybe that whole convo was overthought and overworked and things will get back to some sense of normalcy. We’ll see.
On a super-exciting side-note – I took the plunge and am going to Bloggers in Sin City in May!! I am SO excited to be going, and I just know it will be a blast – with Shannon, Melissa, and a few others (Akirah, Imerika, and PERHAPS even Lil Devil Mama!!) Mini reunion – here we come!! Anyone else debating on going?! Should be a fantastic time, EPIC, even 😉