*Update: I had a conversation with CBE this morning (Saturday) and have a few thoughts to share, in bold, as updates to last night’s post – as you can see, I’m still not sure. Ambivalence? Who knows!!

I came across this Quote Friday quote from Student Mama and tucked it away. It popped out at me today and given my mindset this week, it’s exactly what I want to blog about today.

“What you are afraid to do is a clear indicator of the next thing you need to do.”

So, while I’m still not sure what I am going to do about CBE, you can probably sense from this where my mind is at right now – moving on from him and realizing that maybe there are things about him that I’m uncovering that don’t jive with my initial feelings and impressions for him. (After talking to him, the warmth I feel for him started to return – to me, that means maybe, just maybe, not ready to move on?)

But, see, the thing is, I’m still not sure.

And I know I need to see him again to talk to him, observe my feelings and reactions towards him, and then make more of an “educated” decision. (We talked a bit about our conversation from Sunday, and he told me that his viewpoints on being happy is his discipline for him, not for anyone else, and he just suggests things, but would never force it on anyone. I told him that I’m more the happy medium type, and feel there is more to feelings and happiness than black and white, and that I’m happy with me and don’t want or feel the need, to change myself for anyone, and my concern this week was that he was trying to change me. He said he doesn’t have the need or want to change anyone, including me. That makes me feel better).

But the whole premise behind what I’ve had with CBE – something more “real” than anyone else I’ve dated since I began to date in the first place – makes it more scary and more sad to see it potentially end. We’ve been having fun, we’ve enjoyed each other’s company, we’ve had the chemistry that I think is an important part of a relationship and we see eye to eye on a lot.

And then there are the sticking points for me that I keep thinking about.

And I wonder if they are sticking points or just little annoyances.

And then I wonder if these stick points-or-just-little-annoyances are my subconscious excuse to move on from him, or if they are just that – little annoyances and nothing more (…enter overthinking Ollie here!).

So, I am going to take this weekend – this wonderfully beautiful weekend – and reflect, think, and observe.

Will I think about him a lot? (so far, I am thinking about him quite a bit. We’ll see how the rest of the weekend goes!)

Will I miss him?

Or will I barely think about him and just enjoy the weekend, a fantastic girls night (I sense another epic night coming, ladies), and Easter with the family, and realize…what I’m afraid to do is what I need to do?

Or, will I come to Monday and still be unresolved? Or will I come to Monday and want to see him and see if we can continue to make a go of it? I hope for the latter, but I am going to keep my mind open to both possibilities.

And I most certainly am going to fully, 100% enjoy the weekend, embrace the sunshine and warmth and have a blast. Happy Friday everyone!!

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