And the answer was “yes.”
Which is why I decided to end things with CBE, ending things yesterday.
I’ve clearly had some concerns lately, with where things were going with CBE, in recent weeks, and was completely planning on seeing him again, to gauge my reaction to him and see how things went, but having the time away to think about it more, and my reaction to him from a recent conversation sort of sealed it for me.
I’m not even sure where to begin to describe what I feel really “went wrong” between me and CBE, except to say that I think it was several things – let me see if I can wrap my head around what some of those were (some of which I elaborated on with CBE, when I ended things, but some of which I did not, for sake of not getting into any sort of rehashing of sorts, trying to end on a relatively positive basis).
- The “dig” factor: I mentioned this in my guest post at Quarter for Her Thoughts (of note, when I wrote this post, in the back of my mind, this factor was weighing heavily on me re: CBE), but its’ a pretty big one for me – I want to know, without a shadow of a doubt, that the man in my life is “into” me as much as I am into them, and if that isn’t clear or evident, then to me, there is a problem. I found this in recent weeks with CBE, and part of the dig factor is also effort, in my opinion…or, the “woo” factor (for lack of a better term) and if there is already some laxity in that department and we aren’t even “officially” anything, then what’s to say that will actually improve with time? I want to feel valued and cared for and thought about, and I didn’t always get that from him.
- The happiness definition: Yes, that convo we had a few weeks ago was nagging at me, and the more we had discussed it, the more I saw how engrained it was in his mind, yet his actions didn’t always mirror that. In other words, when it was convenient for him to play the “be happy 24/7” card, he played it, but when he was having a bad day, or frustrated or whatever, out the window went the happy card. Why is okay for him to have a bad day, or to be frustrated (or to say it’s uh, windy out) and for it to somehow not be okay for me?
- The distance: Yes, this was a factor as well, even though it was workable, for sure, I didn’t feel the effort was there on both sides to make it workable. For example, he opted not to pick me up at the airport on Saturday because his back hurt, and in our conversation on the phone last Wednesday, he “wanted to see me, but didn’t wanna pick me up.” Um, okay, that’s nice. That’s where the awkwardness got into the convo…I thought that was ridiculous – if we hadn’t seen each other in two weeks, you’d think he’d want to pick me up, or at least make plans for Sunday. And I didn’t really have much to say to him after that, it was as if the promise/potential and the mutual interest in each other had dissapeared – at least on my end, and the conversation just didn’t flow as it had before. That was basically when I knew it wasn going downhill, and fast.
- Realizing I was compromising: Thought CBE had many of the qualities I am looking for, he was missing a few of the biggies – see above (that frankly, I didn’t even realize were biggies for me until this quasi-relationship) and I realize that I don’t have to compromise and that I can do better. And if I can do better and not compromise, then what’s the point in continuing?
I did feel badly, in a way, for CBE, as I think I blindsided him a bit (unintentionally), I think it is for the best, for both of us, as we are both on the cusp of changes in our lives. So, while our time together over the past two months had some really great moments, evenings, weekends, and laughs shared, it just wasn’t meant to pan out long-term. My mom had some really great points to make, that I thought was worth mentioning here as well:
I trust you to listen to your intuition and do what is best for YOU, and you have learned so much about yourself by going through such an evolutionary change in your life. It is a hard won knowledge and assurance that YOU are driving your own progress forward. Glad you think about everything so much that your decisions are based on thinking it through instead of a more passive “go with the flow” approach that does not get you exactly what you want and need in a person’s qualities if you are going to have a relationship that is worthy of YOU. I admire that. And you are learning a lot about what those crucial qualities are, and you can enumerate them very clearly in your guest posts. So as much as CBE seemed to have a LOT of those crucial qualities, it seems that there are some things that are not going to fly long term and it is worth finding that out early on..I trust and have faith in your discernment and know God has something special for you and you will find out whatever that may be in the right time! NO DOUBT about that.
Amen to that, mom, because it’s true, and thank you for believing in me, and knowing that I am making well-thought-out decisions, because I am trying not to make snap judgements. That’s what’s been so great about blogging, too, thinking through what’s going on in my brain, and getting lots of feedback and advice from my blog/real life friends – and for that, thank you as well, it’s been way more valuable than you all know!
So, while part of me mourns the ending of a potentially great quasi-relationship, I’ve learned a lot, I’ve enjoyed much of it, and I am looking forward to picking myself up, dusting myself off, and seeing what else may be in store for me. More on what I’ve learned in a later post…and I’m curious to hear your thoughts on my decision, though I know much of what I said here regarding my decision is probably pretty evident.