So, I’m not gonna lie.
I’m actually kinda CBE-ed out.
As in, thinking, overthinking, hashing/rehashing, stressing, worrying, wondering, and finally, deciding it was time to end things, that I almost don’t want to write another post on the same topic, but I feel there are some things I still want to say…my post-mortem, if you will.
But, first, a few more details on how I ended things, since I didn’t really get into that too much on my post yesterday (mostly because it was getting to be a really long post, and partially because I wasn’t sure if I’d hear from him again and wanted to capture “the end” in its entirety.
So, of course, I agonized (aka overthought) about how I should broach the topic (phone, email, in-person?), and what I should say (be completely honest, be honest, to a point, or blame it on the distance/not be too honest). Part of me didn’t want to be nitty-gritty honest because I didn’t want to get into a rehashing situation where he might try and persuade me to stick it out, or whatever, but then I realized that if it were me, I’d want honesty, especially since I’m always preaching about how I hate when guys aren’t honest or upfront with things.
So, I went with the honest, but high-level honest approach (not nitty-gritty) calling out the main reasons for wanting to end things (which I mentioned in my post yesterday) and did so by email (since he “hates” the phone, apparently) to get my main points out. I told myself that if he didn’t respond in a couple hours, I’d call him to discuss.
Well, he responded.
With a super long email, completely surprised by my decision. He took blame on the whole distance thing, but sort of made some excuses for a few of the other areas (I won’t go into details here, but part of it felt “too little too late” – if there were other reasons he was doing some of the things he was doing, then why not be upfront then, instead of letting them fester?). He was hoping it wasn’t a “final” decision and asked if I was still open to getting together on Saturday (this Saturday, we had planned to see a comedian locally). I responded, reiterated my points, and that was that. I haven’t heard from him since. Part of me thinks I may, for some reason, but I am not holding my breathe, nor hoping to, either.
Whatdya think of my approach? The response?
Either way, I am feeling so much better today. A weight has been lifted, even though it’s always sad to see something that had potential like that end, but I am hopeful for the future.
~~
And, I must say, all of your feedback (about 20 comments – wow, I feel so special!) was wonderful to read. The resounding message I got?
I deserve better, no more almost/kinda fits, be true to yourself, don’t settle or sell yourself short, trust your gut, and move on with your bad self! (okay, I added that last part, but felt it was warranted).
~~
And one last thing? I’m “pimping” the guest post I did sort of on a whim for Lil Devil Mama for her NEW blog venture – Three Minutes in Heaven.
Hi, I’m a born-again dater. How’s that sound? Pretty cool, next to This is Why I Date(BSF)’s Chronic First Dater, doesn’t it? 😉
April 13, 2010 at 4:12 pm
Thanks for Pimpin’ the post and the site!! Loved your write-up on the 5 Dating Tips, it was great!
And yes, it’s always sad to see something end. But when after you feel ‘A weight has been lifted’ then you did it for the right reasons. Good for you for being firming and sticking to your points and keeping it real! You do deserve better!
April 13, 2010 at 4:16 pm
Thanks – no prob on the pimpin 😉 Glad you liked the post! I didn’t think I’d have much to say, but it sorta flowed from there, who knew?! And thank you for the kinds words, you rock (ps, can’t wait to meet you next month!!)
April 13, 2010 at 4:14 pm
It does kind of get old, doesn’t it? Talking about it I mean. You made the right decision – esp. if you feel a weight has been lifted off of your shoulders. But I get it – once you start talking about it, it is cathartic. And then it gets old, and then annoying. On to the next!
April 13, 2010 at 4:17 pm
Quite. I’m on to the next…now who the next is, THAT is the question 😉
April 13, 2010 at 4:35 pm
Agree with Mel – you did make the right decision, and best of all, you made it for YOU and nobody else. Kind of the best part in all of this, huh? You can focus entirely on YOU. 🙂
April 13, 2010 at 7:29 pm
Yep…and I think it’s time to be a little selfish 😉
April 13, 2010 at 7:02 pm
Love the “move on with your bad self” addition! You go girl.
April 13, 2010 at 7:29 pm
Haha, I thought it’d be sort of fun to add, right? Make a good t-shirt too! 😉
April 13, 2010 at 7:53 pm
LOL – it’d be a great t-shirt.
April 13, 2010 at 8:31 pm
Ya kinda have to pack up the memories and put them away, so to speak. Now, dust yourself off and move ahead!
((hugs))
April 14, 2010 at 7:59 am
that’s a great way of putting it, T. I’m packing it up and ready to jet off to my next – hopefully fab – destination 😉
April 13, 2010 at 9:57 pm
Compatibility is key. You just gave me an idea for a post. You definitely made the right choice.
April 14, 2010 at 7:59 am
Thanks Livvy – totally agree! will read your post as well 😉 Glad to help foster ideas!
April 13, 2010 at 9:58 pm
I didn’t get around to commenting on the original break up post but good for you. You thougth it out and were true to yourself in the end and that is what counts. Your approach was great. We have been through enough to not pull the back and forth shit if it isn’t what we want. Welcome back to the dating world!
April 14, 2010 at 8:00 am
thanks Shannon – and for welcoming me back to the dating world…you going to be my wingwoman in Vegas (with Mel)? 😉
April 13, 2010 at 9:58 pm
If you are anything like me, in time you will marvel at how complicated the end became.
Now a good 5 years after the ink was dry and a good 9 years after she dropped the bomb, I look back and can clearly see how much easier it would have been if I just said, ya, ya, whatever, and went along with what she wanted… which was to end it after 16 year, 3 kids, a home, and lots of history.
But that is not who I was back then. I was extremely sentimental. An extreme overprocessor, and extremely self-piying. Not to say this is who anyone else is, I am just saying it took a lot to look at how I was processing things and how I was my worst enemy in causing myself pain.
But what other way is there to discover this than to go through it? None that I know of.
I guess what I am suggesting is to do as you do based on who you are today. At the same time, make it worth it. Find out why. Ask some tough questions. Seek some brutal honesty from those around you. Not the “yes” people. Some of the biggest jerks can tell you some of the most valuable truth.
Avoid blame, resentment, self pity. There is no way around the pain. But it is more like a “through and through” wound as they say on CSI. It hurts like hell when the bullet passes through, but the healing begins as soon as it leaves the body. Graphic but true.
My other 2010 mantra, I borrowed from Don Draper of Mad Men. “My life moves in only one direction, forward”.
Forward is a great place.
Ciao.
Chaz
April 14, 2010 at 8:02 am
Thanks Chaz – wow, some really good feedback and advice here, which I always appreciate. I think it’s true – I need to take in some of what the “non-yes” people are saying in my life as well, the ones that will be honest and not gloss things over…and I’m listening to that and weighing that with those that are supportive (the “yes” people, in a sense) as well, but ultimately, making choices based on my feelings and thoughts and learnings, nobody else’s, which I think is the right way to go, at least for me. And, I love love love the mantra – I am going to use that one!!
April 14, 2010 at 2:23 pm
I like Chaz. Good stuff up there.
April 13, 2010 at 10:35 pm
Thanks for sharing this story through to the end. I think you should be very excited and hopeful for the future. Here’s to moving on with your bad self! =)
April 14, 2010 at 8:02 am
thanks so much! I am moving onward, and it feels good!
April 14, 2010 at 1:03 am
I always get bumbed out after dumping someone too… even if they’re a total loser. It’s that realization that wow, suddenly your single again and there’s no one to snuggle with and that really sucks. Luckily, it passes 🙂
April 14, 2010 at 8:03 am
Yea, that’s what it is, in a way, it’s the alone-ness of it, even though after a couple of days, I usually spring back and then get back to enjoying my time being only mine. Not to sound selfish, but I do cherish that and it’s almost harder for me to “share” that when I’m dating someone. I think that, in a way, is a sign that maybe that person isn’t the right one, if I’m reluctant to share my time with them, huh?
April 14, 2010 at 10:37 am
It is entirely possible that those who hurt you the most will teach you the most. The tough part is seeing past the pain and resentment to find the discovery. Even if it is simply their example of how not to treat people… and then actually making it part of who you are. Often, if someone hurts us in a certain way, we end up finding ourselves picking up that learned behaviour in spite of the fact that we despise it. Like my father’s alcoholism which I despised.
With solid and honest people around us who are willing to share the tough observations, we can learn some of the most amazing lessons from the trenches of a major life shake-up.
Good things are happening. They are yours to discover. Sounds like you are doing that.
Ciao.
Chaz
April 14, 2010 at 12:27 pm
You’re right – the person that has hurt me most (my ex, of course), has taught me a lot – not him specifically, but the experience itself. That may make for a great post at some point, thanks for the inspiration!
April 14, 2010 at 2:44 pm
This is probably going off-topic but I wanted to let you know that your breakup posts and in particular when you were debating about letting it be, allowing the relationship to evolve was the solution to a relationship issue I’m having. Not a romantic one but with my siblings.
We live on three different continents and since my father died in October, there’s anchor for us. No clear one person that we’ll agree to meet up for and I have been struggling with what happens now to our family. We are all so different and so spread out, I wonder when will we see each other.
Your posts and the comments made me see that I really do need to just let this evolve, my father’s passing didn’t really change anything, just my perception of it. I also need to accept that even though I may wish for more of an emotional involvement with my siblings, if that’s not something they want, I can’t make it happen.
I know siblings are different than boyfriends and I won’t be dumping them, but I appreciate your help thinking this one through. 🙂
April 14, 2010 at 2:55 pm
Wow Mandy, thank you, I am so glad my ramblings and overthinking was helpful…seriously, and truly, though I can completely understand the “letting it be” thing with a family issue can completely be relevant to what I was grappling with as well. I am so glad you are coming to peace with your own situation with your siblings, that’s great.
June 1, 2010 at 2:29 pm
[…] knows I’ve dated older (hello, CBE!). And I’ve dated in between. But I haven’t really dated younger. And it’s just a […]