Okay, before I launch into the purpose of this post (hence the title), I want to first say that that despite it all, I’ve actually had a pretty fantastic weekend, complete with my brother in law Josh’s 30th birthday dinner, a great girlie day with my college roommate spent at IKEA, meeting TIAGO, and great weather (upper 60s, sunny!).
I had a little bit of an emotional meltdown today, and I’m not really sure if it was one thing that brought it on, or several little things that added up to one big frustrated, blubbery mess. Here are some of the little things I think grew into one big thing…
…feeling in the minority this weekend. Hanging with my sisters and their husbands, we had a good time, but at one point, I looked around, and realized that I was in the minority…alone, not with anyone in my life, let alone a husband. Jen is expecting her first child (yay!), and Jess and Scott are stronger than ever as well…talking about sleeping without Jess (when she travels for work, for example), he said he can’t sleep well without her. It struck me – I don’t even know what that feeling would feel like, or if I ever will feel like that. I’ve gotten so used to sleeping alone, by myself, and dealing with it (it was so scary for me a year and a half ago!) that I don’t even know anything different.
…watching the turning points in my friends’ lives. Similar to being in the minority, I look around and see pending marriage (my college roommate, a couple of my friends, BDF and BDFF), new couplings, new love fostering, and I wonder – again – when will it be my time? These are the times when my patience pants are lost in my closet and I really need to find them, because I truly do have faith in God that that man is out there for me and I’m not going to settle until I find him. But I still have my moments of want. That’s normal, I think, right?
…Group Kick frustrations. It’s the never-ending saga of when will the light switch flip on and stay on?? I’m improving, I know I am, but I need to sustain it, and in two Group Kick practices this weekend, I’ve just been frustrated a bit, and felt my inhibitions rising to the top. I need to focus on my growth, and doing this for me, and focusing on BEING GREAT, because I know I can…I just need to will it to the forefront and keep it there. We launch the new release this week (woo! the YouTube I posted yesterday has a glimpse) and in another week, I retape. And I MUST BE GREAT. No pressure…
…patio set be damned! I was SO excited to finally get a patio set and was bound and determined to put it together all by myself, with my trusty little toolset, and I was chugging along just fine until the flippin bolt wrench provided in the packaging refused to tighten the bolts. I tried, and tried, and sweated, and yelled and tried some more. Nada. I texted Pete to ask him what I was doing wrong. I was frustrated for even calling him about it because I wanted to do it myself – I even told him that, and he laughed. He wasn’t able to help. I went to Home Depot to buy a better wrench and got the wrong one (and was feeling intimidated in the stupid store – it’s the one store I feel intimidated in, because I feel as though I stick out like a sore thumb, even though I don’t and I’m just thinking of stereotypes!). Thankfully, my brother-in-law Scott came to the rescue and finished putting it together – how’s it look? (just needs some flowers, outdoor lights and other fixin’s and will be ready for lots of parties!)
All of this sort of came to a head for me today…I cried a few times (and I haven’t cried in ages – big rock for me there!), I told my sister Jess that I’m sick of doing it all alone, I’m sick of “just dealing,” and I’m sick of “coping” – it is moments like that that I just need to FEEL it, let it out, and then I feel better.
And, I know a huge thing weighing on me today is my Nonna’s birthday would have been today…and I miss her so much, and can’t believe it’s almost been a year since her passing. She would have had just the right words to say, and she would look at me, nod her head, and then not say a word, and I would just see it in her eyes, and know…she loves me, she has faith in me, and she’s proud of me. I can feel her and know she’s watching.
So with that, I’ll end this lengthy, somewhat all-over-the-place post with two things – this pity party for one is over…I feel better now “blogging it out” and second, a quote I borrowed from Quarter for Her Thoughts that fits exactly how I’m feeling about my Nonna:
“If I had a single flower for every time I think about you, I could walk forever in my garden.” -Claudia Ghandi