Please welcome another guest post from one of my absolute favorites – and truly, one of the bloggers I MOST wish was in Sin City with me as we speak (having a blast, by the way, and loving hanging with Shannon, Mel, and other super fab bloggers, more on that later…) – love this post for many, many reasons, and totally loved our e-date the other night, and glad it inspired another foray into online dating. Enjoy!!

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Caution: This post is loaded with sarcastic undertones.

Since I’m the only blogger not in Sin City this weekend, I promised Jolene a guest post. I know you’re all going to be moping around, wishing I was there, but it’s okay… go have fun anyway! Really, it won’t hurt my feelings one bit.

Jerks.

So last night Jolene convinced me it would be a bright idea to sign up for an online dating site again. Yeah… not so much, right? Did she forget that I like being single? But I was drinking wine, we were having girl chat, I was vulnerable and she took advantage of my state of mind.

And so… I thought up the witty username, I clicked off the regular selections: no one under 26, no one over 36, no one named Fred, Hank, or Ryan. I exercised my wit in the “tell us about yourself”  portion, and I asked a few friends “what was the first thing you noticed about me?”… and a couple of hours later, a profile was born. Hip hip hooray.

Within seconds… and I literally mean seconds… I had a dozen emails and I’m starting to wonder if maybe this idea of Jolene’s wasn’t so bad after all…

First, there’s the really hot guy [ooh yay!] who seems charming until he starts telling me about our sex life. [What site did I sign up for, again?] Delete.

Then there’s the guy who sends me an e-gift of wine and chocolates [oh how I like presents!] and I’m thinking maybe there’s potential there but nope, he’s 23 which just won’t cut it. Delete.

There’s one decent prospect, a really sweet guy who manages to string a readable sentence together [points for that] but he looks a little too feminine in his profile photo if you catch my drift… Delete.

Of course that was followed up by a guy I’d written this post about over a year ago [deja vu] and he actually got a “thanks but no thanks jerkface” reply before the… Delete.

There’s the guy who emails to tell me how gorgeous my eyes are [ohhlala what girl doesn’t want to hear that?], one who took enough time out of his evening to send a one line “hey baby, how you doin’?”, a guy who clearly can’t speak English [it’s kind of a barrier], and of course the body builder who insists on sending me all sorts of photos of his naked chest [get over it already]. Delete. Delete. Delete.

…and just when I think I’ve hit rock bottom I get one more email… one more little glimpse of hope… only to be crushed by the ghost busters decal on his car door, the comic book background in his photos, the “file clerk” job description, and the fact that he’s a Virgo [have I mentioned that all of my ex boyfriends were Virgo’s?].

And that folks, is just day one. So while you’re sitting poolside in Vegas, sipping [or gulping] your pina colada’s, shopping for designer handbags or watching strong men do acrobatics in spandex tights, think of me.

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