August 2010


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The first in a series of posts on my dad, growing up with (and without) him, and our eventual reconciliation (one of many). Here goes…

Over the years, my dad has been in and out of our lives (my sisters and I) for as long as I can remember. My parents had us when my dad was 24 and my mom was 25 and looking back, I can’t imagine having triplets – aka insta family – at that age. Even now, at 30, I can’t quite imagine being a mother, and while that’s a post for another day, it lends some context to some of these posts on my father.

My dad is a full-blooded Italian, which comes with hot-bloodedness, stubbornness and quite honestly, some anger issues (not to say all Italians are this way, or to pigeonhole at all, because clearly I’d be insulting myself and half of my family!) as well. I don’t know that he was quite ready to have a family at his age, either, which I think lent to some of his actions as we grew up.

He was in our lives, as a father, until we were 4 or 5, and then things got hairy (from what I recall as a child that age, and from what I have been told, growing up). My parents fought quite a bit, and by the age of 9 or 10, they had divorced.

To back up a bit, my sister Jen had the closest relationship with my father among the three of us. She was daddy’s girl and in a way, I think Jess and I took that to heart and tended to pull away from him, and more towards our mom. My dad definitely favored Jen whenever we had arguments, and bottom line, I think she was just the apple of his eye, which I don’t say in a bad way at all, because they truly had a special relationship. My sister Jess and I, on the other hand, were attached to my mom’s hip, and there began somewhat of a separation between the three of us (that we’ve since rectified and now have the closest sisterhood I could ever hope for).

As we grew up, with our dad in and out of our lives throughout our childhood, it was easier and less painful for me to not become too attached to him, to not feel the love and adoration I had for my mom, for my dad. Because he would leave and not come back, sometimes for days, sometimes longer. And as a child, that’s really hard to deal with. It’s funny (not ha-ha funny) that as I write this, I struggle to recall some of the turn of events that led to my parents divorce….except for one particular instance that I will post on tomorrow, likely in a protected post (just leave a comment with your email address and I’ll share it with you).

But what I do remember most distinctly, beyond that, is it was less painful to just ‘like’ my dad than to ‘love’ him, and to this day, I feel that way towards my father, for fear of being hurt, and protectively as well, as I know how many times he’s let down my sister Jen or my family, in general. In a way, it’s sad to have a father that you don’t allow yourself to love, but on the other hand, it’s afforded me the ability to maintain a good friendship with him now, which is, in my opinion, the best possible outcome.

Bliss

Wow, what an amazing finish to a fantastic week off! Literally the last three days have been filled with nothing but the beach, good friends, and relaxation. Some of the moments from this weekend are by far, in my top 10 of the summer.

A couple of moments I want to capture:

…heading to my friend Steph’s private beach on Friday for a couple of hours with our other Kick friend Jacqui. Crystal clear water, not a soul around except for us, and a glass of prosseco.

…girls night at my place on Friday, with a few of my friends, capped off with a drink at one of my fave summer bars.

…one of my best runs to date on Saturday morning, again with Steph and Jess and Scott. It was only 60 degrees at 7 am, the air was crisp, the sun was shining and my shins didn’t cramp once. Made it 10 miles in 1:52…slow to most, but my fastest as well! *pats self on back*

…Beach day #2 again at Steph’s beach, with Jess and Scott as well. Another perfect day of weather, more prosseco, capped off with an awesome cookout at their place, with a few other friends (and Steph’s cute brother Josh…hehe), a bonfire, and tiki torches. And wine. 😉

…sleeping in a bit, eating breakfast on the patio this morning, complete silence. Much needed and enjoyed.

…beach day #3 with my friend Jess. Took awhile to find a beach with parking that hadn’t filled and damn, was it a scorcher (in the 90s today), so we only lasted a couple hours, however, it ended with a yummy ice cream twist down the street from her house. Yum, like whoa.

I couldn’t have asked for a better vacation to (somewhat) end the summer. It’s been an amazing summer and I’m totally planning my top 10 summer memories post for this week or next. And my “dad” series as well. Happy Sunday funday! 🙂

Jess, Steph and me

One of the things I thought a lot about is my comfort zone and how what now defines my comfort zone was completely OUT of my comfort zone when I was married. Thus, today’s Quote Friday quote:

“Courage is the power to let go of the familar.”

I think I need to embrace this even more as I close out year TWO of my post-divorce life (holy crap, has it really heading into the that long? October 2008 – bite me.) and kick it up a notch. I’ve felt a little stagnant in the “learning” and it’s something I thought a lot about in Maine, during those *lovely* three days of rainy, dreary weather. It’s somewhat cyclical for me, as I go through huge bursts of learning or ‘big rocks‘ and then level off, and then go back into a challenge, or a test (hello, Nala…or tackling Group Kick, or dating).

So – game on. I’m gonna bring it – diving back into dating, looking towards some professional shifts and making them happen, and generally, letting go of what’ become my familiar zone and building a ‘new normal.”

Suggestions on what else to tackle? Always welcome.

~~

Happy Friday all!! I am so looking forward to enjoying the rest of my vaca. Two beach days planned, girls night this evening (INRIS! Mel and I are opening the wine!! Finally!), a cookout tomorrow with some Kick friends, and a 10 miler planned. Woo-freakin-hooo.

Hi friends! I’m back from a week upta camp, where I set out to see my surroundings with fresh eyes, and while I can’t say that I fully succeeded at that, I can say there is a sense of contentment in *not* knowing what my future holds, and being more okay with that now, than I have in the past.

I’ll post more on that in coming posts (and did write my ‘dad’ blog series, and will begin posting that soon too. Not gonna lie, a tough series to put pen to paper on, but it resulted in some interesting conclusions for me that I didn’t realize when I first started writing), but for now, a fun recap of my last ‘official’ vacation to Maine (some one-nighters planned here and there, including next weekend, at least!).

As I mentioned, a couple of friends came up for the weekend (with my sister and brother in law) and wow, we had a BLAST and a half. They came up on Saturday morning, with their boat in tow, and their dog, and we spent the day boating, tubing (okay, I just watched from the boat and took pics. Blame it on a headache), and oh, drinking 2 gallons of sangria throughout the evening (and surprisingly, no hangover in the morning that some pancakes couldn’t fix!).

“J” is one of those friends that we can just sit and read and not say too much, and that’s okay. Ya know how you have some friends like that? They are few and far in between but she’s certainly one of them, and we had fun alternating between reading on the dock in the sun, to chatting about everything from life, to what we want to do in wine country (they’re coming with us, yay!), to potentially going to Ireland between Christmas and New Year’s (how fun would that be? I am totally considering if it I can somehow find the fundage. “S” is from Ireland and he’d be a phenomenal tour guide, and I know we’d all have a blast). We capped the evening with a bonfire by the lake, which was truly amazing. The first time we’ve ever been able to do that because the water is usually too high, but it was really low, and there was sand where we could build it (oh and did I forget some potentially un-puppies and rainbows night swimming J, my sis and I partook in?! Blame the sangria…).

Fast forward the next few days.

Okay, maybe not, but the next several days, it rained. And rained. And rained some more. The most amount of rain we’ve had all summer…on our vacation. Go figure, right?

Well, to be honest, it was *almost* as fun as the weekend, as it was the excuse I needed to just sit, read, blog, and read some more. And do a lot of thinking. It was very therapeutic, and centering, and just what I needed.

Today was phenomenal. The weather was perfect, completely polar-opposite to the last four days, and we spent the day lakeside, with my Gram, and my Gramp as well. Couldn’t have asked for a better end to the week, especially spending some quality time with my grandparents and hearing stories we haven’t heard before, as we sat and watched the rain. Another one of those moments I won’t easily forget.

And now for some pictures…enjoy – and more tomorrow on my ruminations etc…XO!

Jess and Scott tubing!

Jess and me during sangria-fest!

Nala hunting down Bailey - how freakin cute is that?!

me, J, and Jess - sangria-fest!

us ladies on the jetski - so fun!

Okay, so not *quite* famous – but check out how many times my sister and I (and Heather, in glimpses!) are in the Cathe Road Trip promotional video!! Count how many times you see us and you win a prize…an autograph! 😉 Just kidding, that won’t be worth anything until we’re *really* famous!

…What would it be? Here’s my open post on ‘ask me anything…sky’s the limit!’ This ought to yield some interesting questions for me to read and respond to (and/or turn into blog posts) while on vacation (since it’s been a rainy few days, I may be a bit slaphappy intermixed with utterly relaxed and raring to go!). Ask away my friends…

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