I debated on making this a private post. Then I debated on closing comments.
And then I decided, fu^k it, here goes. What I want.
I want to feel loved. Deeply. Soul- and heart-thumping love. Love that is unmatched and unrivaled and unbreakable. Love that means it doesn’t matter if I live in a cardboard box, or on the other side of the world, even. Love.
I want to touch his skin, feel his warmth, his love, his arms wrapped tightly around me, that spark, that passion that only two people deeply in love feel and can capture in an instant. I want to feel wanted. I want to feel needed. I want to feel adored.
I want to love what I do for a living. That I’m making a difference. That I’m valued. That I value what I’m doing. That I am excited to go to work every day. That I’m doing something different, something I’m passionate about. Something different.
I want to not be so afraid. To fake it till I make it. To just go for it. Always. In everything I do. To NOT hang back. To NOT let others step ahead of me. To speak my mind. To say dammit, no, that makes me mad, that isn’t fair, you aren’t treating me th way I treat you…
I want to not be rejected. To be seen for who I am and not for who I’m not. And when I am rejected, I want to shake it off and not let it ruin my day, my mood, my self-confidence that I’ve built up for the past two years. I’m more than that. I’m more than mind games and I’m more than rejection.
I want more money, thinner legs and 6-pack abs, and hair that looks good every day not just some days. I want laser eye surgery, and for running to be easier for me than it is, and I want to teach Group Kick again because at least it gave me a creative outlet. I want to blog for a living and write a book and go on Ellen. I want these things even if they aren’t realistic, or they are silly. Can’t I just want?
I want a best friend. A companion. A lover. A man. The man I’ve been waiting for. I’m sick of waiting. And I’m sick of hearing that I need to be patient. I just am. I know I shouldn’t, but I am. It’s been too long dammit. I deserve this.
I want this.
I don’t care that some of these things are superfluous, that they’ll come with time, that my dare-to-be-great moment is on the cusp, I still want. And am tired of waiting.
Some days are better than others. Some days I feel awesome, as if nothing can stop me. And other days I feel like a failure. Where rejection stings.
Where I want more, and I want it now.
Today might be one of those days. I know I’ll bounce back, I usually do, but sometimes, just sometimes I just wish I didn’t have something I needed to bounce back *from*.