I debated on making this a private post. Then I debated on closing comments.
And then I decided, fu^k it, here goes. What I want.
I want to feel loved. Deeply. Soul- and heart-thumping love. Love that is unmatched and unrivaled and unbreakable. Love that means it doesn’t matter if I live in a cardboard box, or on the other side of the world, even. Love.
I want.
I want to touch his skin, feel his warmth, his love, his arms wrapped tightly around me, that spark, that passion that only two people deeply in love feel and can capture in an instant. I want to feel wanted. I want to feel needed. I want to feel adored.
I want.
I want to love what I do for a living. That I’m making a difference. That I’m valued. That I value what I’m doing. That I am excited to go to work every day. That I’m doing something different, something I’m passionate about. Something different.
I want.
I want to not be so afraid. To fake it till I make it. To just go for it. Always. In everything I do. To NOT hang back. To NOT let others step ahead of me. To speak my mind. To say dammit, no, that makes me mad, that isn’t fair, you aren’t treating me th way I treat you…
I want.
I want to not be rejected. To be seen for who I am and not for who I’m not. And when I am rejected, I want to shake it off and not let it ruin my day, my mood, my self-confidence that I’ve built up for the past two years. I’m more than that. I’m more than mind games and I’m more than rejection.
I want.
I want more money, thinner legs and 6-pack abs, and hair that looks good every day not just some days. I want laser eye surgery, and for running to be easier for me than it is, and I want to teach Group Kick again because at least it gave me a creative outlet. I want to blog for a living and write a book and go on Ellen. I want these things even if they aren’t realistic, or they are silly. Can’t I just want?
I want a best friend. A companion. A lover. A man. The man I’ve been waiting for. I’m sick of waiting. And I’m sick of hearing that I need to be patient. I just am. I know I shouldn’t, but I am. It’s been too long dammit. I deserve this.
I want this.
~~
I don’t care that some of these things are superfluous, that they’ll come with time, that my dare-to-be-great moment is on the cusp, I still want. And am tired of waiting.
Some days are better than others. Some days I feel awesome, as if nothing can stop me. And other days I feel like a failure. Where rejection stings.
Where I want more, and I want it now.
Today might be one of those days. I know I’ll bounce back, I usually do, but sometimes, just sometimes I just wish I didn’t have something I needed to bounce back *from*.
I want.
August 10, 2010 at 6:56 pm
I want all of that and more for you! I think sometimes it’s good to list out our wants.
August 10, 2010 at 7:39 pm
thank you Heather. It felt good to just get it out.
August 14, 2010 at 3:32 pm
Agree with Heather! You’re entitled to all of that and a whole lot more! xoxo
August 14, 2010 at 4:58 pm
thank you so much!! XO!
August 10, 2010 at 7:04 pm
Oh I so wish that you would write like this more often. Not that you don’t write well but I understand the reasons you have for holding back sometimes. You have so much more I wish you could just let out there.
On another note I remember writing a post similar to this. You don’t have to be cool calm and patient about any of this everyday. Sometimes you have to say fuck it and throw a temper tantrum and it is okay to WANT because you deserve.
August 10, 2010 at 7:40 pm
Aw, thanks Shan, that means so much, and I am glad you can relate, I know you can, too. And I totally remember that post of yours as well. It IS okay to throw a little tantrum sometimes, and it just felt good to get it out…it’s been building so long.
August 10, 2010 at 7:17 pm
Great post! I think we all should create our “want lists” so it gives us something to visualize and refer to when we pursue our lives. I hope your “wants” become reality, good luck girl!
August 10, 2010 at 7:40 pm
thanks for visiting! And I hope they become a reality too.
August 10, 2010 at 7:19 pm
I was hoping for a few more fuck bombs personally considering the topic, but not everyone can be as colorful with language as I can. But seriously, glad you got it out of your system. Sometimes thats a good enough release to make us feel better.
August 10, 2010 at 7:41 pm
Yea, I know, I’m all talk about the f bombs but I just don’t deliver 😉 It was a good release, thankyouverymuch!
August 10, 2010 at 7:22 pm
Totally why I wrote the Great Love post!! I want all those things too. And, yeah it does seem like they are out there and might never happen, I think that we are making our own destiny and that starts with realizing what we do want! Eventually we will make it happen.
Great post, friend.
August 10, 2010 at 7:42 pm
Thanks D, you’re the best…and your Great Love post was something I had in mind when I start thinking about this one. Glad you liked it too.
August 10, 2010 at 7:27 pm
WHOA.
This. Is. Incredible.
Like I’ve never seen you write before.
Like I’ve never seen you fight for something so hard for, before.
Like a you I KNOW is in there fighting to get out of her own way and just say FUCK IT. I WANT. And what I WANT, I will HAVE, dammit!! No apologies. No caveats. Just you. Honest. Open. Empowered. Incredible.
I am in awe.
And PS. You. Must. Write. A. Book. Can I be your publicist? 😉
August 10, 2010 at 7:42 pm
thanks sis. I didn’t think it was *that* good but I am glad you did, and others here too. Amazing response from everyone. And yes, if I write a book, you can totes be the publicist. Pro bono? 😉
August 10, 2010 at 8:09 pm
Amen! Sorry, that is my thing this week…that was the comment I was trying to spit out:)
August 11, 2010 at 11:10 am
Aw, missed this comment, Shan, I knew what you were sayin!
August 10, 2010 at 7:37 pm
Way to put it out there! You know I can relate to the impatience thing. Great post!
August 10, 2010 at 7:43 pm
Thanks Emma! I figure many can relate, and I just never really just throw it out there for all to read.
August 10, 2010 at 7:46 pm
that was brave…and I think you should consider it a note to the universe…something you can put out there and get back *exactly* what you ask for!! And you want what everyone wants–I didn’t see anything shallow in your list of wants–I think we all want that.
August 10, 2010 at 7:48 pm
thank you so much for visiting and for thinking that was brave. I guess I saw it as “just” writing it all out but judging from everyone’s comments, I guess it went further with that, I am touched. I guess I meant superfluous in terms of there are bigger fish to fry in this world so why get so hung up on some of these things…but yea, most of them aren’t overly superfluous! They are just wants.
August 10, 2010 at 7:46 pm
Yes. Just, yes. I want too.
August 10, 2010 at 7:49 pm
I knew you could relate…
August 10, 2010 at 7:52 pm
Your best post yet, Jolene. You know why? Because you were honest. Not that you’re not usually honest, but you dug deep, no bullshit, you want.
We all want things. We’re all allowed to want things. Everyone is different and wants different things, different variations of the same thing, whatever. The point is, everyone is allowed to want what they want.
Here’s the million dollar question…
What are you going to do to get it? 😉
xoxo
August 10, 2010 at 7:59 pm
Aw, thank you, all of you guys for your feedback! I am totally blown away, didn’t think the post was *that* good, jut the way I feel at this moment. And you are right, I did this post straight from the heart, no BS, no nada. I want. And tough shit if some of it may have to wait, I still want it! The million dollar Q is a million dollars for a reason…isn’t it 😉 XO!
August 10, 2010 at 8:03 pm
Well rock the fuck on, Jolene. Go for it. Get you some! Don’t ever stop WANTING til all your wants are filled!!!!!
xxoo
August 10, 2010 at 8:06 pm
Haha, I love that – rock the fuck on (there I wrote it! LOL), that’s awesome. And I will, dammit, I’m gonna keep wanting, cuz sooner or later it has to lead to something right?! XO!
August 10, 2010 at 8:09 pm
HAHA. Jo said fuck:)
August 11, 2010 at 8:38 am
LOL Shan, I did indeed. Where are the puppies and rainbows?!
August 10, 2010 at 8:26 pm
I’m so glad you didn’t make this a private post! I think this one just may be my favorite post of yours yet! I love it because we’ve all felt this way. I feel this way. Each and every one of those thoughts has run through my mind. You’re not alone in feeling this way! Thanks for sharing with us 🙂
August 11, 2010 at 8:39 am
Aw thank you so much!! I am blown away by everyone’s responses, truly. And I am glad I didn’t make this private too (though I’d give you the password, if I did, for the record!)
August 11, 2010 at 11:01 am
Yay! I feel special! 😉
August 11, 2010 at 3:36 am
Memo
To: Jolene
Re: What you what you what you want
Now, that’s what I’m talking about.
–the memo department
August 11, 2010 at 8:39 am
LOL thank you INRIS, you’re the best. That’s what I’m talking about!
August 11, 2010 at 5:15 am
What a great post. I think (as you’ll see from the comments) you’re not alone in wanting all these things. We all want them too. Not just for ourselves but for everyone else.
Everyone deserves to get what they want.
Now, let’s go and get!
August 11, 2010 at 8:40 am
Thanks for visiting and thank you so much!! I am glad I am not alone in the wants department, makes it a little less lonely 😉
August 11, 2010 at 6:17 am
You should write like this. You should write what *drives* you and inspires you, even if t’s dreams and wishes (*especially* dreams and wishes).
Hope you have a great day today, Jolene.
I’m looking forward to our meetup. 🙂
August 11, 2010 at 8:40 am
Thank you C – I agree, and I guess I didn’t realize I wasn’t totally writing for me. And I am SO looking forward to our meet-up!!
August 11, 2010 at 11:25 am
emphatically yes. there’s nothing better than owning what you want and letting that ownership drive you. i hope you get everything on that list, and in embarrassingly large quantities. 🙂
August 11, 2010 at 12:01 pm
Aw thank you so much!! LOVE the embarrassingly large quantities idea…that sounds fantastic to me!
August 11, 2010 at 1:19 pm
Very touching, Jolene. Glad you wrote it for us to see too! I had no idea you teached group exercise classes. It sounds like you are no longer doing it and you loved it?
August 11, 2010 at 1:39 pm
Thanks Lisa! And yes, Jess and I both got certified to teach Group Kick – if you type in Group Kick in the search field on my homepage, you’ll see lots of posts on it 🙂 We were teaching for a bit, together, and it was awesome, but our class got canceled, unfortunately!
August 11, 2010 at 7:36 pm
this is just so open and honest and i absolutely love it. nicely written lady 🙂
August 12, 2010 at 8:09 am
Aw, thank you so much!! And thanks for dropping in 🙂
August 12, 2010 at 11:23 am
Jolene, I’m going to send a long-winded letter to your gmail account. Please look for it. Thanx, L.
August 12, 2010 at 3:29 pm
LOVE this. Love your honesty, love how relatable it is (for me, completely!), and just love how it must have been such a release to get that out there!
I wish I had an “answer” of sorts, but alas, I am in the same boat. 🙂 Lots of “wants,” and very frustrated. A lot of the time. But you know what I can say is that I have all the hope in the world that we WILL get what we want. At least the important things!
August 12, 2010 at 3:43 pm
Thank you so much!! It was very honest, and it was a huge release for me and I really liked writing it and re-reading everyone’s comments!! We’ll BOTH get what we want, I’m confident of that!!
August 12, 2010 at 6:31 pm
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August 13, 2010 at 12:19 pm
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August 13, 2010 at 1:35 pm
we shouldn’t have to wait. it isn’t right and it isn’t fair, and we both deserve all that we want and more.
there. i said it. patience be damned.
August 13, 2010 at 1:40 pm
We DO both deserve it!! Damn straight friend, and we both will. Eff patience! 😉
August 23, 2010 at 10:23 pm
damn girl! that post gave me a little tingle down below. Nice one, seriously.
November 1, 2010 at 3:44 pm
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