September 2010


If you’re looking for me…

...I might be here...

...or here.

or here 🙂

I plan to post periodically, but it will be sporadic, likely at best. I hope to come back refreshed, rejuvinated, with lots of pictures, and a bright and chipper 31 year old ;-P

~~

On a side note – I saw Jen and the baby today and while Jen has a lengthy recovery ahead, I can’t tell you how wonderful it was to see her, hug and kiss her and hold her hand. And equally – if not more – perfect to hold Isabel for two hours as she slept and cooed and looked around. I love her so very much, and Jen as well, of course. It gave me a sense of peace that I can go on this trip knowing she is on the initial road to recovery. Continued prayers and thoughts much appreciated!!

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As I drove to work this morning, deep in thought about Jen, my upcoming trip to wine country (tomorrow, folks, TOMORROW!!!), and all of the work I have to get done before I leave, the song “September” came on the radio by Daughtry and a few lyrics jumped out at me as the inspiration for my post tonight.

September has brought on so many of the things that I’ve been working so hard for generally and towards my “year of me” like running a half marathon…and possibly being on the road towards love, as well as a few other milestones that have gone past in a blur….

…like moving.

…like becoming an aunt.

…like ending the summer with a bang.

….and standing vigil as my sister endures an unexpected extended hospital stay (extra prayers tonight please as she receives one last procedure to flush out some of the infection) and realizing how very much I love my sisters fiercely.

and up next? Epic wine country vacation extravaganza (and, oh, did I mention? My 31st birthday a week from today!)

! I can’t believe I’m on the cusp of this trip that promises to hold so many memories and firsts (like taking a hot air balloon ride over the vineyards at sunrise as I ring in my 31st year! Hello bucket list item!) with my sister Jess and brother in law Scott and four wonderful friends that are coming with us. It’s going to be amazing, it’s going to be extra special as we soak it all in for Jen and Isabel (who will be receiving pics and video as much as we can!), and truly just let go.

In the words of Daughtry.

“Nothing to lose but everything to gain…it was worth it in the end.”

Goodbye (almost) September…bring on October, the month where (I hope) everything shifts towards the future, the positive, and health and happiness.

Cheers!

As I start to fully understand the magnitude of my sister Jen’s infection (very serious staph infection), I am blown away by the support by family and friends, and God’s blessings and strength.

I felt almost smacked upside the head with the reality of how sick she has been, after speaking with my mom today, and at first, it was all I could do not to panic and cry (well, I did cry, but how could I not? I love my sisters fiercely, and to know that one of them is going through some serious pain is hard for me to grasp) and lose my faith. But then, when my mom told me she felt God tell her – in not so many words – that she will pull through and she will improve, that gave me the thread of strength I needed to return to faith not so much for me, but for Jen.

And it reminds me of a quote I tucked away that I thought would be very fitting this evening, as I try to keep my faith strong, my prayers loud, and my support (from afar) as strong as I can:

“When you have come to the edge of all light that you know and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown…Faith is knowing one of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly”

Jen has the strength to fly – and we need to continue to band together to give her the strength she needs – for her, us, and Isabel.  I will do whatever she possibly needs for support and help when she is out of the hospital…and I hope to be able to see her before flying to Sonoma on Thursday evening. I offered to stay and not go on the trip, but she wants us to go and have fun, enjoy it for her, and bring back a bottle of wine in Isabel’s birth year to stow away for her 21st birthday. I love that and I want to do it as the tiniest of tokens.

The good news is that she seems to have turned the corner she needs to and keep showing improvement to kick this nasty infection and begin her road to recovery and get back to what she wants so much, to continue being the adoring, strong, rock-solid loving, tender, devoted mom to her child.

…sometimes all you need is family, and a lot of faith.

Jen, you have it. We’re here. God is watching. We’re praying. We love you. We love Isabel. You got this. I know it. I love you so much.

As things continue to progress and grow with Doctor Boy…feelings, happiness, potential, plans (and swoonage, of course), I’ve started to observe more and more how I feel when I am with him…and when I am without him.

Am I adjusting to having him around and adjusting my own routine to accommodate him?

Or adjusting to wanting to share my routine with him (not so much adjust FOR it but to it, happily so)?

I think right now, it’s a bit of both. It’s nowhere near the way I felt with CBE, where it was very difficult for me to adjust my routine – a routine that I’ve become so accustomed to the last two years (and probably too accustomed to, to be honest!). I want to spend time with him. I want to go to social outings with him (on our own and with friends – his and min). I want to wake up next to him. And I want to see him.

So, in a way, I feel like I’m adjusting to wanting that.

I’ve never 100% allowed myself that…or wanted to allow myself that before.

So, I’m also adjusting to myself (does that make any sense?!).

And it’s a little scary.

But the good kind of scary.

It’s that phase at the beginning of something blossoming where you’re still figuring each other out, but laughing along the way, at the quirks, their routines, their moods, likes, dislikes, interests, tendencies. It’s hard to keep track of those details sometimes, and I need to remind myself to observe (I distinctly recall T advising this to me – thank you!)…my reactions, my feelings, my emotions, but also his reactions, feelings and emotions.

Adjusting…

To me, that word usually has such a negative connotation for some reason, but I think that’s partially because I’ve had to make so many adjustments in my life since getting divorced that I think of it as change (in a bad way…and let’s face it, I’m a creature of habit!) but when it’s voluntary adjustment, especially for something that seems as special as what is brewing with Doctor Boy? Yeah, I think I can handle that sort of adjustment.

Swoon.

~~

It’s been another whirlwind of a weekend, some of which I spent with Doctor Boy, and the more time we spend together, the more I want to spend time with him. He makes me smile, he makes me feel special, he makes me want to be me and nothing BUT me. I don’t feel like I need to hide my quirks, goofy side, moods, or feelings. I dig that. Like whoa.

~~

And as an update – my sister Jen is still in the hospital. And until I heard her voice tonight, I didn’t realize how much it had been weighing on me.

I’ve been so busy and she hasn’t been able to communicate much (and my mom has been bedside with her 24/7, without much time to communicate updates either), so I’ve just been praying and hoping. And then, when she called, I felt a sudden rush of relief. Her voice. She sounded so much better. I had last spoken to her on Saturday after the half-marathon, and it was teary, and she was emotional and worn down, and that affected me so much.

I’m praying, and know God is giving her strength and perserverence, as is Isabel. I can hear the love for her emanate from Jen…it’s so powerful and brings such a grin to my face. Love between a mother and daughter. My sister is a mom.

And she loves that baby fiercely.

I am so proud. The emotions just come.Tears. Pride. Joy. Love. Faith.

I love you sis, and I love you Isabel, and I know you will get through this together.

Thank you all for your continued support and prayers. XO.

Holy shit.

That was the hardest thing I have ever done IN. MY. LIFE.

No joke.

I actually had a really bad run this morning (of course, the one time it truly counts!) and felt myself hitting a wall as early as THREE miles in…so I knew it was going to be a really tough course, mentally and physically. I ran strong, though, through mile 8 or 9, and then got a really bad side cramp – debilitating level. The kind where you can’t breathe, and every time you breathe in, it feels like stabbling pain.

Um, yea.

Did I mention it was close to 75 when we started and 83 when we finished?!

That didn’t help. At all.

But rather than focus on the negative and while I am dissapointed at my finish (2 hrs 50 mins when I was aiming for 2 hrs 40 mins), I crawled, scratched and forced myself to that finish line, even though there were times when I wanted to sit down and cry. My brother in law Scott’s father (aka my “adopted” in-laws!) met me at mile 11 and walked almost a full mile with me and that truly was one of the biggest things that kept me going. I ran most of the last two miles and when I saw that finish line, I just about crumpled.

But I ran through it and crossed that finish line.

Wow. I’m a half-marathoner.

Wow.

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for all of your support – in-person, here, on Twitter, and on Facebook. You are all amazing. I love you all!

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And on another note, please say prayers for my sister Jen. She is back in the hospital today, for a few days, battling an infection from her c-section. My mom wasn’t able to make it to watch us cross (but Mark was, and he took some great pics – see here – and I will post more when I get them!) but I am so very glad she was with her instead. I talked to Jen today, we cried together, and I told her how much I love her and Isabel. Please say a prayer – if you pray – and just keep her in your mind, either way. Thank you.

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A few pics from the race…

Pre-race - we look so damn chipper!

Steph and me pre-race - also chipper!

me and Jess post-race - a wee bit tired!

The group post-race - my eyes tell it all!

Happy Quote Friday everyone – today’s post is a little different in that my quote – while still inspirational – is very much focused on my challenge ahead. In less than 16 hours, I will run my very first half-marathon.

Gulp.

My goal is so perfectly stated in today’s quote, borrowed from a post my sister wrote a few months ago:

“Run if you can, walk if you must, crawl if you have to – just don’t stop.”

THAT is exactly my goal for tomorrow’s Wicked Half Marathon – with 950 runners (a record number!), it’s going to be insane…not to mention the temps tomorrow are supposed to hit 86 (Indian Summer – bring. it. on), so it will be a little warmer than I thought, as well. But, right now, at this very moment, I am a ball of nervous energy, excited to tackle it and even more excited to cross that finish line. I know that no matter what, that is going to be one of the best feelings in the world.

Me.

A half-marathoner.

Running 13.1 miles with my sister, my brother in law and one of my close friends  Steph – we’ve come a long way (literally as well!), and I am excited to get ‘er done!! It already feels amazing to have run 12.4 miles, which was a huge mental and physical challenge, last week, but it gave me the confidence I need to run that last .7 miles to the finish. And when I’m done, I hope I can utter these words…mentioned by yet another great friend (who will be coming to celebrate with us in wine country in less than a week!), Meg:

“The woman who starts this race, isn’t the same woman who finishes it.”

*Chills*

Damn straight.

GAME ON!!

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As for the rest of my weekend? A kick-ass Wicked Half party at my sister’s house – which will include friends as well as Doctor Boy, and then a wine tasting event (with Doctor Boy as well, whee!) in Boston on Sunday for Boston Wine Week.

Cheers friends!

…being greeted at the door with flowers. *swoon*

…looking across the table on the patio on an Indian Summer evening, and having a real conversation about my day (and his) and seeing that he “gets” it.

…and, looking across the table and seeing nothing but warmth and caring in his eyes. And so surely having the same feeling right back.

…relaxing over a glass of petit syrah (one of my favorites), talking about what we would NOT do again in a next relationship and what we’ve learned from our marriages past. And nodding and nodding and agreeing – like whoa – yes, that’s exactly how I feel too.

…knowing that as he’s laying next to me, between kisses, that this is feeling…more than passion or lust.

…realizing that it’s only been two weeks – two weeks – and everything feels exactly the way it should feel with the “right” one (and whether that’s “right” for now or “right” forever – only time will tell, and I know that as does he).

…knowing that after just two weeks…it’s only going to get better from here.

….waking up next to him, smiling, having slept better than I have in months (even on less than 6 hours of sleep!).

…sitting in a meeting today and remembering that kiss goodbye this morning. *swoon*

…and happiness is smelling his cologne all day, and remnants of it as I walk into my bedroom this evening.

…hearing “I miss you” and missing him back…and feeling that the pace of things is just right – not too fast, not too slow. Just right.

Happiness is feeling just right. With Doctor Boy.

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A couple of other things that make me happy?

Wine country in ONE WEEK! ONE Week. E-PIC.

This poem as posted by Sunshine and happiness is a gift, from Nicki. Loved.

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