October 2010


So, for those of you who aren’t my Facebook friend…I thought I’d introduce you officially to Doctor Boy.

Swoon.

He’s pretty handsome, I must say, and we make a dashing couple, right? (Perhaps I’m a bit biased) We’re in the midst of a wonderful weekend, double date with my sis and bro in law last night and today, a good run and plans for an afternoon of chili making and relaxation.

And since you’ve all been asking questions about him and from the suggestion of a few of you, now’s your chance. What do you want to know about Doctor Boy? Or about us? Sky’s the limit, ask away!

I hope you are all having a wonderful weekend and I look forward to your questions for Doctor Boy as I’ll gather his responses and share them in a future post (and remember, keep ’em PG-13, mmk?) 🙂

As I drove home this evening after another rewarding (but exhausting!) “baby duty” day with my sister Jen and niece Isabel, it struck me.

This weekend, two years ago, was the weekend my life turned upside down, when I officially knew my marriage was over. (the days leading into realizing this wasn’t just a fight, but the beginning of the end are a little hazy for me but if you read my blog series under “Some of my favorites” you can get all of the details on how it unfolded)

And on this quote Friday, there’s nothing better to fit what I’m feeling than Rascal Flatts’ “My Wish” in large part for these specifically:

I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,
All the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret

I can, without a shadow of a doubt say that I will never look back at my marriage and wish I was still in it. I can, without a shadow of a doubt, know who loves me (and love them back), forgive and never regret. Why? Because at this point in my life, two years later, I firmly believe I am exactly where I’m meant to be. It feels so amazing, every time I reach one of these milestones and realizations that the little things melt away and the big things come to the forefront and I realize this is where I’m meant to be, without a shadow of a doubt.

And these lyrics are dead-on for what I feel – hell yeah, they are dead-on:

But more than anything, yeah, and more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you’re out there getting where you’re getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

It can’t get any better than that, can it?

To know you are loved, and to love back.

…and to know you are capable of love again.

To know that there are big dreams ahead, and a lot to be accomplished.

…and to know you’re capable of big things.

To know that above all else, there are no failures in life, just challenges that make you stronger.

“I hope you never look back, but you never forget.”

As uttered by one of my closest (and clearly, sagest!) friends after reading my blog.

And she’s beyond right.

Yesterday’s reactions to my post was eye-opening and made me realize how I’ve pretty much lost perspective on a few things that I didn’t even realize I had. So thank you, friends, and bloggy friends, for giving me the dope slap of reality I needed (in the kindest way possible!).

My friend said to me:

There are 4 major things in life, FAMILY/FRIENDS, JOB, LOVE, HEALTH.  You are one of the luckiest people in the world if they can all be perfect at the same time.  It’s like a big circle, if one is good another is not.  You have to just be happy with what is good and hang the hell onto that. So one part of your circle is broken.  Don’t forget about the other 3 parts that are amazing right now.  You are so lucky.  Don’t look for the full circle just enjoy the partial for all its worth!

I read it almost incredulously because if it were me reading that blog post (and incidentally, in my brain these days), I’d likely be uttering something pretty similar. It’s called perspective, stupid, where did yours go?!

And then Sunshine’s comment:

When I was reading your post it occurred to me that you being hard on yourself has nothing to do with how much or how little you’re working out, or how well you’re eating or not eating. Those are just the excuses that you use…I believe that there’s something deeper to it than that. It seems to me like you’re on a road to true and lasting happiness right now, but there’s a part of you that just can’t “let go” and enjoy it for what it is…you have to still harp on yourself for your perceived imperfections. What would happen if you just let go and allowed yourself to be completely and utterly happy and content with yourself, as you are, in this very moment?

I guess a part of me is just so used to being unhappy with something pretty major in my life (but making the most of it in the process, of course) – finding love – that now that I have it (wow, even writing that feels weird, I DO HAVE IT! YES!), it’s like I am looking for something to happen or nitpicking at other areas of my life.

Why?

Why not just “let go” and enjoy it. Respond. React. Embrace. Breathe in. Observe. Enjoy.

So, friends, I’m going to do it. Enough with this. Life is good. Life is great. And as my sister’s blog echoes oh so deeply – I’m amazing just the way I am.

And so are all of you.

 

I’ve been struggling with finding value lately. And it’s hard for me to wrap my head around this because I do feel valued (T, thanks for sparking this one in me, from your recent posts!). By Doctor Boy (like whoa), by my family, and my friends.

So why don’t I value myself?

First – self-image.

As I noted in my post yesterday, I’ve been struggling with chronic “fat days” and literally just tearing myself apart in my brain and honestly, I’m not sure why.

Sure, my workout routine isn’t exactly what I want right now (but I know it will improve).

But I still manage to workout 5-6 times a week (vs. what? 6-7?!). So, huh?

Sure, I indulged (like whoa) in wine country (but since, I have been focusing on eating clean and restricting wine to weekends (which is VERY difficult to do, at least once a week isn’t so bad, normally, right?!).

But I am doing it, and when I have gone out to eat, I’ve chosen good options (but it’s still eating out, which doesn’t give me much control on what they put in it exactly either).

So, perhaps I am being a little unfair with myself, but I do know I don’t feel as good as I normally do, and maybe it’s just a really long cycle of PMS (righhht) and maybe I just need to work a little harder.

But it doesn’t mean  I should be tearing myself apart. I do value me and who I am, curves and all. Why do I have such a horrible habit? It’s definitely something I struggle with but as of today, I am vowing to take the extra step to think before I immediately say something badly about myself. I mean, if I don’t value me, why should others?!

Second, value in terms of the future.

Where do I want to be? What do I want to achieve? How do I want to get there? I can’t help but think 2011 is the year of changes for me (as much as 2010 has been about change, it’s also been a stepping stone year for me, and of course, the year of me). I ponder these things often. But I can’t sit idle, right? I need to act, I need to make it happen. I need to get out of the comfort zone and just go for it.

I feel like I have built a solid foundation for myself in my first full year on my own, post divorce (since technically, I didn’t get divorced until 9/11/09) and I can’t just expect change to come to me, right?

This is my challenge to me: change my attitude about myself and get back to value. I have a lot to offer, I know this, I really do. So now it’s time to convey it.

Who’s with me? What do you challenge yourself to do?

I don’t know about you ladies (sorry boys, this sentence won’t relate to you, though maybe you can relate…) but when I have PMS, not only am I irritable, bloated and grumpy (at times), I’m also super tired. Combine that with lack of routine and that’s a great combination for an uber frustrated me.

You know I like routine. I crave it. And sometimes, it keeps me sane and balanced. Sure, sometimes it should be thrown out the window in favor of balance, but there is something to be said for being free to do the routine you want – working out when you want to, sleeping more if you are tired, and generally having some “me” time to catch up on blogs, DVR and hey, a face mask and primping once in awhile.

Lately, I’ve had no routine. It’s been thrown out the window in favor of caring for our sister Jen (and my sister Jess has taken the brunt of it moreso, given Jen is currently recovering at her house), which has been absolutely what we are all dedicated to, want to do, and are devoted to doing for her. It’s been rewarding, seeing her improve, helping her get to her appointments and having some much-needed sister time, not to mention getting to cuddle with such an uber cutie in our niece Isabel.

Compounding my “baby duty” days/nights for Jen is seeing Doctor Boy during the week and on weekends, when we can. Of course I absolutely love spending time with him, but at the same time, it impacts my routine. A routine I am learning to find ways to weave him into, such as on weekend runs, and making meals together, and just enjoying that time together…perhaps letting him into that “me” time, too, right? Embracing.

But the lack of routine in recent weeks has been taking a toll on me. I crave my routine and my workouts when I want them (rather than when I can squeeze them in), and partially because I’ve had one too many “fat days” lately (please refer back to aforementioned PMS and bloating for part of the reason for that!) which is doubly frustrating since I’m also trying to talk negatively about myself (please refer to my sister’s fab post on this very topic!).

But at the end of the day, what matters most is this: Jen’s recovery, aiding Jess (and my mom) in caring for Jen and Isabel, and the rest will fall back into place little by little. And, hey, if seeing Doctor Boy means switching up my routine, I say bring it on!

So, PMS and fat days, you can shove it.

Routine, you’ll be back.

And, devotion, you’re alive and strong and it makes it all worthwhile.

Now, I’m off to baby duty night one of two. Wish me luck and sleepy baby 🙂

…when you know he would do anything to make you happy. when you would do anything to make them happy, and want to do anything to make them happy.

defining the feeling.

…when you take your first run together and “get” what your sister means about running connecting you together in a different way. Sharing something important to you, and being able to talk about things like where you would live if the sky was the limit, or where you want to travel, if money was no object.

defining the feeling.

…when you watch him tenderly care for your sister’s IV needs, and then she requests he do it again on Friday, even though Jess was shown how to do it.

defining the feeling.

…when you see qualities you have always wanted in someone – devotion, dedication, perspective, genuineness.

defining the feeling.

…when you find yourself thinking ahead to holidays and vacations and the future.

defining the feeling.

…when there is no place better than being in their arms, or looking into their eyes and seeing the feeling mimicked in your eyes.

defining the feeling.

…when it’s on the tip of your tongue, you reiterate it in your brain, and it’s in everything that you do.

defining the feeling.

…when you look into their eyes and see home.

what is the feeling? It’s love.

That’s right…when Doctor Boy whispered into my ear as he tends to at least once a night when I see him “I love you” I finally said it back.

And the smile back and hug and kiss was like no other…sheer happiness and joy. From him, and from me. I can’t believe I am actually in love, after the many months and months of wanting to find it, it found me first.

Swoon.

Phew. I totally missed quote Friday this week, so I’m going for a ‘quote Saturday’ today…why, you ask?

Baby! It was my first 24 hour ‘baby duty’ helping Jen get through the night with Isabel’s feedings and all day on Friday, to her appointments and such. Thus, today’s quote:

“A baby is like the beginning of all things-wonder, hope, a dream of possibilities.”

I have to admit, I was really nervous on Thursday to have my first solo ‘baby duty’ with Jen, feeling a bit high-strung, stressed and hoping it would go smoothly and I’d be able to help calm Isabel when she cried, feed her, change her, and burp her, and it felt a lot more daunting than I thought. And I wanted to show Jen I could do it and give her the help she needs as she continues her recovery (5 weeks and counting…).

But when I look into Isabel’s eyes, and see the wonderment, flashes of a smile and contentment in the midst of tears and needs and wants, I can see how much she signifies new beginnings and possibilities for Jen, and for our family, as we continue to band together and give her all of the support she needs right now (in more ways than one).

She’s worth it. The tiredness. The stress. It’s all worth it.

And seeing Jen continue her recovery is almost more worth it. Going to her wound care appointment yesterday, she was hoping for continued improvement (and meanwhile I was worrying about keeping Isabel calm during the hour long appointment) and wow, did God come through in spades.

She’s now rid of her wound care vac WEEKS early! She just has to continue packing it a bit (with our help, er, Doctor Boy’s?! Hehe) for a few weeks, but she no longer is tethered to the vac, and tubes and in constant pain. She’s healing, and healing much faster than we all expected. And she’s elated at the progress. I don’t think I’ve seen her smile bigger than that in a long time.

And Isabel slept in my arms for almost two hours, and then slept another hour in the car. She was an angel for me. I was floored, but relieved, and really enjoyed watching her sleep, cooing, holding on to my fingers and nuzzling up to me. I felt like I gained her trust and Jen’s in helping care for Isabel, and am feeling much better about my ‘baby duty’ rounds this week.

I just can’t help but think how much Isabel signifies the possibilities that lie ahead…for Jen, for me, for our family, in many ways. I think as 2010 starts coming to a close, 2011 has big things in store for all of us.

I’m feeling blessed.

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