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Last night was our first “preview” class for Group Kick, where we used the class to teach some employees at the gym the full release to get their feedback and make sure our cuing was easy enough to follow. While there were only three people in the class besides the five of us instructors, it was a good “training wheels” exercise!

The result? We nailed it!

We each taught 2-3 tracks each (there are 10 total) and rotated being on the platform (two at a time) so one would cue, and the other would just do the track in tandem. It flowed well, we swapped out quickly with the mic and music, and we got our energy levels up. I was looking around the room during my tracks and just soaking it in – I‘m doing this, WOW, was what was running through my mind – and it was a great feeling!! The class felt like a blur, it flew by, and I was a sweating, drenched mess by the end, but it was a great feeling, almost surreal.

…now tomorrow’s “preview” is for non-members and members by invite-only (so we have a couple of friends joining the class, which will be awesome!) to see how we do in front of a packed room – at least 25 people are expected to show up! Eek!! But, now that we did last night’s preview, I feel better, having one under my belt, and I think we’ll all do great tomorrow.

It’s just still so hard to imagine that we’re here, at this point, after training in mid-December and working our asses off ever since. It’s been an amazing short-term journey and I’m excited to see where it leads me, and all of us. I feel like I’ve been in boot camp or as a child “sleep away camp” with these people (sister included, which is always a bonus!) and we’ve all jived really well and had a great time figuring it all out. Now, we’re ready to get on the real stage, step it up and show ’em what we got.

I think we’ll ‘kick some’ tomorrow and then, onward towards the launch next Saturday, where anyone can join and Group Kick is officially unveiled at my gym, and will be added to the weekly schedule. We’re almost to the finish line (yet so far, too, since we still have lots of work ahead of us, tightening up our form, refining our cuing, and adding more fun to it, before we do our video assessments in mid-March to get officially certified), and this is by far, one of the best decisions I’ve made – going for it, even though it’s scared the bejesus out of me almost daily 😉

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I’ve been thinking about this for a few days now (well, 6 days, to be exact, since things ended with boy #9) and I think I need to take time and regroup on the dating thing. At least on match.com…I decided to let my subscription run out, and at first, I thought I would be hesitant still, because I don’t necessarily want to *stop* dating, I just need time.

…and not time for reasons you may think (broken heart and all that jazz – for the record, he didn’t break my heart, just the potential for what I thought could have been…). Dating feels like a full-time job, in a sense, and right now, I feel so busy with work, Group Kick (THAT feels like a second job, well, I ‘spose it kind of is, or will be soon, once we launch), and honestly, if it’s between dating or spending time with my friends, right now, I choose friends.

I have always chosen friends (and family), never have I put a date before them, but right now, regrouping also means regrouping with friends…taking time to get together with some that I haven’t seen since the blur of the holidays started, and squeezing some “me” time in too.

And maybe this is my way of just distancing myself from the dating stuff for a bit and figuring out where I want to go from here. Do I want to try more of an “organic” approach and see who I meet just by being out, or do I want to get back to match.com and OK Cupid and see what other prospects might come about, or do I want to try speed dating?! (Okay, this last one – I am really going to do, soon…more to say I did it, than because I think anything will come of it, but hey, could be fun. And it’s the year of ‘why not?’ right?!). I’m not sure.

All I know is, I want to find love, and I don’t know when or where that will be. So, I’ll regroup, refocus, and in this dating “lull” have fun with my friends and family, get out, and enjoy myself (and KICK SOME…Group Kick launches February 6!).

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In re-reading this post, I realize I’m not really communicating all I want to get across, and maybe I’ll better be able to in a future post. My mind feels scattered, I feel all over the place, and I just need to breathe. It’s been insanely busy at work since the new year and I need to better grasp my priorities…work/career, dating, what I want. I can almost grasp it, but not quite, thus the need to regroup. I always get there, and I will, I just need to put my finger on it.

…and I haven’t accomplished *all* of my resolutions I created for the “year of me?”After reading a recent post from Quarter For Her Thoughts, I figure it was high time to take stock in my resolutions and see what’s left.

The good news?

I’ve accomplished one of the biggest – that I never thought I would – finding love.

But the one goal I really wish I met (and though there is still time, I find it relatively unlikely I’ll have time to accomplish this one, sadly)?

Making my blog ME (buying my domain, getting self-hosted etc). It’s still one of the things that I want to do, and am vowing to go bigger and better in 2011. (and/or write a bloggy book – who’s up for it, ahem?)

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I’ve also been thinking a lot about what I want to accomplish in 2011 and even more near-term, over the winter, especially physically. I think I need a new challenge. I passed Group Kick, I ran a half marathon (check off the ole resolution list there, too!) and now, I’m sort of just getting back into my workout routine, with a mix of running, spinning, weights, and Kick.

But I’m bored with it. I need something new. My body craves a challenge.

I think I know what it is.

But it scares the bejesus out of me.

What is it, you ask?

Swimming.

Yep. I think I need to *finally* learn how to swim.

Why?

To train for a triathlon, but of course (again, ahem, let’s do it!)!

It’s something I have been toying with, and I think I really need to just go for it. Ronda Uncensored has been learning to swim and she’s my inspiration to do it too. I know it’ll be good for me, but it’ll also open a ton of other fitness challenges and goals, too.

So, I think that’s my goal for the end of 2010 and the beginning of 2011…whatcha say?

 

 

 

I’ve been following Faith, Fitness, and Fun’s Tina on her “30 Days of Reflection for Self-Love” and I must first say that she has an amazing outlook and many, if not all, of her daily posts have been completely up my alley, and I’ve loved participating!

Her post today was all about finding joy, and while I feel as though right now, I clearly have a lot of joy in the “Doctor Boy” department, finding joy when areas of your life are not going well is sometimes nearly impossible to find. But what Tina says here is so right-on:

I don’t think I need to tell you why finding joy in everyday moments of life can increase overall happiness. We all have that logic. Instead, I want to ask you to find it for yourselves today. Don’t avoid it for fear it will get in the way of to-dos. Don’t convince yourself another moment will come soon enough. Don’t hesitate on whether you deserve that moment of joy. Just take it. And walk away with a smile.

Joy is SO elusive when you have about a zillion things to do and it’s hard to see the little joys (or as I have referred to them as ‘little rocks’ of the day) sometimes. For me, today (taking a cue from my sister!)?

…my sister emailing us to let us know that her doctor feels she may have the baby tomorrow. WOOHOO!!!!

Joy.

…having a kick-ass workout this morning (no pun intended…) a la Group Kick. Always ceases to amaze me how much I sweat! Sweat is happiness…sweat is…

Joy.

…getting invited to go see Rascal Flatts on Sunday by Doctor Boy. Um, yeah, so sweet, right?

Joy.

And finally? Gearing up for dinner with Doctor Boy tonight…more on that tomorrow, friends.

Yours truly in joy, swoonage, and yes, I have both eyes open, don’t worry,

Jolene

😉

One of the things I thought a lot about is my comfort zone and how what now defines my comfort zone was completely OUT of my comfort zone when I was married. Thus, today’s Quote Friday quote:

“Courage is the power to let go of the familar.”

I think I need to embrace this even more as I close out year TWO of my post-divorce life (holy crap, has it really heading into the that long? October 2008 – bite me.) and kick it up a notch. I’ve felt a little stagnant in the “learning” and it’s something I thought a lot about in Maine, during those *lovely* three days of rainy, dreary weather. It’s somewhat cyclical for me, as I go through huge bursts of learning or ‘big rocks‘ and then level off, and then go back into a challenge, or a test (hello, Nala…or tackling Group Kick, or dating).

So – game on. I’m gonna bring it – diving back into dating, looking towards some professional shifts and making them happen, and generally, letting go of what’ become my familiar zone and building a ‘new normal.”

Suggestions on what else to tackle? Always welcome.

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Happy Friday all!! I am so looking forward to enjoying the rest of my vaca. Two beach days planned, girls night this evening (INRIS! Mel and I are opening the wine!! Finally!), a cookout tomorrow with some Kick friends, and a 10 miler planned. Woo-freakin-hooo.

I debated on making this a private post. Then I debated on closing comments.

And then I decided, fu^k it, here goes. What I want.

I want to feel loved. Deeply. Soul- and heart-thumping love. Love that is unmatched and unrivaled and unbreakable. Love that means it doesn’t matter if I live in a cardboard box, or on the other side of the world, even. Love.

I want.

I want to touch his skin, feel his warmth, his love, his arms wrapped tightly around me, that spark, that passion that only two people deeply in love feel and can capture in an instant. I want to feel wanted. I want to feel needed. I want to feel adored.

I want.

I want to love what I do for a living. That I’m making a difference. That I’m valued. That I value what I’m doing. That I am excited to go to work every day. That I’m doing something different, something I’m passionate about. Something different.

I want.

I want to not be so afraid. To fake it till I make it. To just go for it. Always. In everything I do. To NOT hang back. To NOT let others step ahead of me. To speak my mind. To say dammit, no, that makes me mad, that isn’t fair, you aren’t treating me th way I treat you…

I want.

I want to not be rejected. To be seen for who I am and not for who I’m not. And when I am rejected, I want to shake it off and not let it ruin my day, my mood, my self-confidence that I’ve built up for the past two years. I’m more than that. I’m more than mind games and I’m more than rejection.

I want.

I want more money, thinner legs and 6-pack abs, and hair that looks good every day not just some days. I want laser eye surgery, and for running to be easier for me than it is, and I want to teach Group Kick again because at least it gave me a creative outlet. I want to blog for a living and write a book and go on Ellen. I want these things even if they aren’t realistic, or they are silly. Can’t I just want?

I want a best friend. A companion. A lover. A man. The man I’ve been waiting for. I’m sick of waiting. And I’m sick of hearing that I need to be patient. I just am. I know I shouldn’t, but I am. It’s been too long dammit. I deserve this.

I want this.

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I don’t care that some of these things are superfluous, that they’ll come with time, that my dare-to-be-great moment is on the cusp, I still want. And am tired of waiting.

Some days are better than others. Some days I feel awesome, as if nothing can stop me. And other days I feel like a failure. Where rejection stings.

Where I want more, and I want it now.

Today might be one of those days. I know I’ll bounce back, I usually do, but sometimes, just sometimes I just wish I didn’t have something I needed to bounce back *from*.

I want.

As I enjoy my time at the Cathe Road Trip, I wanted to post a poem that actually really hits me from a few sides – it’s all about friendship, and the meaning behind them, why they come into our lives, and sometimes, why they end.

The reason I timed this blog for when I am at the Road Trip is because I have been amazed – almost stunned – by how bonded I feel to a special group of workout friends I have made – IRL from Group Kick, and in the bloggy world (Heather!! and I firmly believe friends truly do come into your life at the most critical and opportune time. This is truly an example of that. I relate to these girls so very much (Steph, you are awesome…while we met during Group Kick “summer camp” our friendship has grown so much more since – goooo half marathon!) and they came in my life for a reason, and I know they’ll be sustained friendships.

The same holds true for a very special group of girls that have remained steadfast by my side through divorce, through the ups and downs of dating, and through life, generally, and those girls, those are some lifetime friends right there. XO my friends, you truly are my family.


Thank you for being a part of my life, whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.

Enjoy the poem.

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People come into your life for a reason,
a season or a lifetime.

When you know which one it is,
you will know what to do for that person..

When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.

They have come to assist you through a difficulty,
to provide you with guidance and support,

To aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.

They may seem like a godsend and they are.

They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at
an inconvenient time, this person will say or do
something to bring the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.

Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.

What we must realize is that our need has been met,
our desire fulfilled, their work is done.

The prayer you sent up has been answered and
now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.

They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.

They may teach you something you have never done.

They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.

Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons,
things you must build upon in order to have a
solid emotional foundation.

Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person
and put what you have learned to use in all other
relationships and areas of your life.

It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Thank you for being a part of my life,
whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.

Happy quote Friday everyone! Just a quickie from the Cathe Road Trip (we have a quieter day today, though we did kick it off with a wicked hahhhd spin class at the gym, things don’t get rolling till this afternoon though, officially) – today’s quote”

“The only failure is the failure to try”

This one grabbed me today because of how much I try to push, push, push to new levels with everything that I do – and in this case, with this weekend, this signifies my constant interest and pursuit of challenging myself physically (and also mentally) with the workouts and goals I set for myself. It’s something I’ve dedicated myself 10X over since getting divorced, it’s just something that I love and makes me feel alive.

This year already, I am proud of myself for not failing in the face of challenge – when Group Kick got frustrating, extremely hard, and tiring, I kept at it, and passed, when running becomes overwhelming as I try to up my pace to hit the 13.1 miles for the half marathon, I keep at it, and it will come…and when I wake up tired and don’t want to move, getting up and moving actually makes me feel better. And I try my best not to fail, because this is what runs through my veins, this is what I am passionate about and if I’m passionate about it…I won’t fail.

What are you passionate about? What do you keep at and not want to fail at?

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Enjoy your weekends everyone and of course I’ll share a recap of the weekend ahead. I’m going to drink it in and enjoy every.last.moment.

I read a really intriguing post by C over at Leap and the Net will Appear ,(one of my go-to fave blogs and incidentally, I am really excited that she’s a New Englander as we are planning to meet for drinks soon – oh how I love meeting bloggy friends!) on challenging self-image and it inspired me to examine my own self-image and how I perceive myself, and how some of those perceptions have changed – while others perhaps not – in the almost-two years since my marriage came to a close.

While I’ve noted many times that since my divorce, I am more confident, more open (and open-minded) and most of all, much more independent, almost to the point of the polar opposite of how I used to be (at least for me!), what I think I still carry with me as something I “think” I am is shy.

It’s something I rage against so much inside and it’s something I struggle with and bang into walls constantly on – professionally and personally – and while I know I am nowhere near as shy as I was two years ago (and in social and fun settings, SO not shy), and even one year ago (I think dating has actually been huge for me in helping overcome shyness, as well as Group Kick, as noted in the post above, for sure), but it’s still something I label myself as…and maybe that’s exactly my problem.

As C notes that she always thought she wasn’t “outdoorsy” and she’s finding that perhaps she is, much more than she thought, maybe the fact that I label myself “shy” is hurting my ability to get past it. And shyness SO plays into confidence and commanding a room for me that sometimes it feels crippling (yet, thankfully, I don’t think it ever truly shows in a crippling manner).  But it’s definitely on what I’m calling my “mid-year” resolution list – kick this shyness thing for good…at least make some more leaps and bounds against it by the end of 2010. I think I can do it, I want to do it, and for me, it’s a matter of facing it head-on, putting myself into uncomfortable situations (because that therefore forces me out of my comfort zone!) so I can ditch the label for good.

So, I pose the question C posed to her readers (and thank you C, for letting me borrow the topic, it’s a goodie!):

What about you? Do you/did you have preconceived notions about who you are and what you are “into?” Have you challenged those notions recently?

I’m really curious what your thoughts are on the topic, and, if you know me, do you see me as shy? If you have been shy in the past, how did you overcome it?

~~

On another note, I’m so giddy (or, as I noted on Facebook – I’m giddier than meeting the man of my dreams – oh wait… – gearing up for the Cathe Road Trip) for the Cathe Road Trip tomorrow – I’ll be away until Sunday, but stay tuned for some fun workout-and-blog-friend-filled posts in coming days (as much as I can, and/or a recap on Sunday!). This year has so much been about challenges – including as many physical challenges as I can – Group Kick, the half marathon, and this as well – and I can’t wait to enjoy every minute!!

First, I must say, if this long weekend were a man, I think I might just marry him…or maybe just date him, not sure I’m quite ready for that level of commitment ;-P It’s absolutely gorgeous, I’ve spent the last two days enjoying time with friends, the beach, and some wine (of course) and there’s still one more day left in the weekend, what’s not to like, right?

~~~

Yet, when I woke up this morning, I felt a rush of lonliness mixed with a little sadness.

Why?

Well, a mix of things, I think, one of which is totally PMS-driven (ah, those hormones love to swing my moods to and fro!)

The other thing? I miss my house and my pool/yard more than ever. Let me rephrase that…I miss having A house and pool and yard, not necessarily my past house, given it was ridden with memories and the past, something I am still glad to have walked away from. It put me into a bit of a funk, but I worked out, let my mind drift, and felt a little bit better afterwards, but it’s still nagging in the back of my mind. What do I really miss? I don’t necessarily miss what I had, but I do miss the stability, groundedness, happiness, and couple-ness of having a marriage. Maybe I didn’t appreciate what I had (when it was good) as much as I should have, or maybe I’m just looking at it now too idealistically, but what it does point to is this…

I miss being in a relationship.

Plain and simple.

I know that’s not a huge revelation for anyone, because to you, it may seen I’ve been itching for that since I started dating almost a year ago (damn, time flies…). But truly, I haven’t missed that all too much, I’ve enjoyed being on my own, enjoyed dating, even through the ups and downs, but a big part of me now just misses being in a relationship, being in love, and the stability and happiness that comes with it.

And maybe part of missing being in a relationship is the start of summer (unofficially) this weekend. While I think there are many, many fun reasons to be single in the summer, I also think being in a relationship in the summer is a lot of fun too.

Maybe it’s the third-wheel factor in the summer…it just feels more pronounced for me. Friday night, for example, I was having drinks with some of my Group Kick friends, and I looked around and realized I was the only single in the group, and not only the only single, but the only unmarried too. Double whammy, a little bit. (And, I was secretly hoping ‘pretty boy’ would be there, a playful name referring to a friend of ours that has hung out at this particular bar recently. We went to college together, and our internships, and well, I kinda think he’s cute. Was sort of hoping for a run-in, but no dice).

I go back and forth with this is-summer-better-single-or-not thing in my head quite a bit, at least lately, and I don’t really think there’s an answer to it, because, like I said, there’s plenty of “pros” for both, I just think for me, it points to wanting what I don’t have right now.

And when I was explaining this (in part) to my sister, she said “I just want you to be happy.” And I responded, “but I AM happy.” Because I am, truly. Life is great, I’m in a good spot emotionally and mentally. It’s summer. I have lots of fun things planned in coming weeks and months. It’s just that tiny nagging at me, the alone-factor, that nags ever so slightly more now and again, and right now, it’s nagging.

I know my time will come. I know you all will reiterate that. Or say that I should stop looking. Or stop wanting. Or just to enjoy what I have now. And I am – sorta kinda, all of these things.

I’m not really looking. Sure, I’m on chemistry and OKC, but I’m not really actively looking through them too seriously. Yet, I may have a date coming up…more on that later (It’s the not looking, I swear). I may have a couple of potential “organic” dates brewing. Maybe. That’d be a first, and I’d welcome it. Again, more on that later (c’mon, this post is getting ridiculously long!).

So for now, writing this all out…I guess I’m still okay being on my own. It’s just the time of year where it’d be nice to at least have someone around, at the beach, or at cookouts, or whatever it may be, to have by my side. It’ll come. I know it will, and for now, I’ll enjoy the social butterfly-ness that I’m trying to cultivate as much as possible.