inspiration


Well, this is it.

My very last post for To Be Determined.

After today, I am going to dedicate my time to my “evolved” blog and though I am looking forward to it, I am nostalgic as I wish I could take this “home” with me to my new home. But for now, I will just visit it every so often, look back at the almost-three years worth of blog posts on my life and what I’ve accomplished.

It almost brings tears to my eyes to think back at where I began to where I am now. I never want to let her go…that scared, fragile, heart-broken, weak, sad and sometimes angry person I was…because I learned so much from her, and how I could turn those negative characteristics and emotions into strength, resilience, perserverence, happiness, and a (usually) abounding sense of perspective.

I’m proud of her ,and who she’s become. And while I am letting her go in favor of the me I am now, she has shaped me into who I am today. I’m damn proud. I don’t care if this post sounds a bit indulgent…I know it probably does, but after getting through the difficulties of divorce and all of the baggage that comes with it (poor finances, loss of a house, lack of confidence, sadness and loss), I’m not her anymore.

I’m me…renewed.

And I thank you all for joining me in my journey and allowing me to share in yours. Cheers, friends.

“There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind. But keep in mind that letting go isn’t the end of the world, it’s the beginning of a new life.”

~~

*If you would like to follow my new blog, simply leave me a comment here and I will email you the link*

Some of my favorite moments of 2010…recapped here, in ‘moment-style’…

at this moment, surer than ever…

life, amplified.

the vacation of a lifetime. like whoa.

moving…again.

the best summer ever, hands down.

…turning a corner, and recovering, my little Nals.

prosseco on the beach. Um, yes.

Maine, Maine, Maine, Maine and Maine!

auntie throwdown…in style.

Tiago. Enough said.

sweating a weekend away.

honest, true, friendship. And some epic-ness.

simple, yet powerful.

bloggy friend meet-up!

BISC Vegas-style!

of pity parties and clarity.

...realizing I’m worth more.

one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

until this.

I’m sure I’m missing many moments from 2010 that I’d rewind 100 times over because of what they stood for, what they’ve helped me become, and of course for the fun many of them entail. 2010…you’ve been one hell of a year, and if it’s been *that* good, I can’t even imagine how good 2011 is going to be. I’m belted in, and ready for the ride.

Bring it.


…is celebrating not only with family (who I of course love spending the holidays with, regardless), but with my “extended” family…my friends.

I was lamenting to my sister Jess the other day that this year, more than any other, I feel the closest with my friends than ever, and have a very specific set of whom I’d call my best friends. The friends I can count on two hands (or less) that I always enjoy spending time with, laughing with, sharing moments with, and sharing (and supporting) during the tough times too.

Friendships are hard. Let’s face it.

They take some work to define, some time to establish trust, and friendships are truly a commitment you need to honor. But, it goes both ways. It shouldn’t change when you get married, or meet a new significant other. Of course, friendships can adapt to changing forces in your life, but they shouldn’t be neglected, just like any relationship. But I’m proud to stand behind my friendships, as I value them so much. They are an extension of my family, truly. And I think that adds so much to life, doesn’t it?

I’m so thankful for my friends – you know who you are (I hope!) – and you’ve been my rocks, my support, my humor, and so much of my life this year. And I am so looking forward to ringing in the New Year with almost all of you (and those that cannot make it, you’ll be there in spirit!), because 2011 is going to knock the socks off 2010, I can feel it. For all of us. I just know it.

Friendship…‘if you want to cry, I’ll be your shoulder, if you want a hug, I’ll be your pillow, but anytime you need a friend, I’ll just be me.’

I was trying to find a good quote for today to basically recap the year and this one struck a chord with me as I think it’s one some of you in this lovely bloggy family would appreciate and completely relate to as well.

“Never let go of hope. One day you will see that it all has finally come together. What you have always wished for has finally come to be. You will look back and laugh at what has passed and you will ask yourself… ‘How did I get through all of that?’

This year had its ups and downs. Started out okay, got rough in the middle (with Nala’s illness, financial struggles, frustrations and sadness over finding love, and my sister’s illness post-baby) and is now ending with a bang…love…a new beginning…and a lot to look forward to.

But looking back, at this year, and most certainly 2009 by far, it makes you realize how far you can get, even from the deepest feelings of despair. Of course, when tragedy strikes, it’s extremely difficult and won’t happen overnight, but when you get through the storm, the feeling is amazing. The strength, the resilience, the thankfulness, and for me, the most important is the perspective. It’s really gotten me through some difficulties by seeing things just slightly differently, realizing that things can *always* be worse, that life isn’t *that* bad and that while divorce is never easy, I’m grateful mine was not nearly as bad as many others have been, or could be.

And what I’ve wished for this year has completely come to me, and I can’t say it enough, I am grateful beyond words. To have a man in my life that treats me so well, that appreciates me, that loves me, and that makes me laugh, makes me smile, and makes my heart sing, is an incredible feeling.

It’s not the only thing I am grateful for this year, but it’s one of the many things that have made 2010 a life-defining year for me.

What about you? What defined your year? What came out of it that you most appreciate?

Seriously, is 2010 thisclose to being over?

As I look back at 2010, it’s really hard for me to capture my favorite moments of the year, but I plan to do that, as this year as turned into one of the best years of my life…something I never dreamed possible so soon after my divorce.

As part of that, I wanted to look back at some of my favorite posts of 2010 (here’s my list from last year – some of these continue to be my all-time favorites!):

  1. My blog series on my divorce: Probably one of the hardest things I have ever written, but with the most reward. The comments and feedback (emails and on my blog directly) were simply amazing.
  2. There’s Gotta Be Someone for Me Out There: My dealbreakers (and this list also ties in). And man, Doctor Boy fits all of these. Realizing that now as I re-read that post. Wow.
  3. Happy Birthday To Be Determined!: My blogoversary post was fun to write, and also tied back to some of my favorite posts and reasons why I blog.
  4. “When the world whispers ‘give up, Hope whispers, try it one more time:” One of several posts on Nala’s illness this year that I cried through writing (this was the other one) and knowing now that she is SO much better, my heart sings. I remember writing this and just praying so hard for improvement. Wow.
  5. “If I had a single flower for every time I think about you, I could walk forever in my garden:” One year anniversary of my Nonna’s passing. I still miss her every single day, but can feel her all around me. Always.
  6. My Man Audits (I and II) – these are just funny. Give ’em a read (perhaps gives new appreciation for finally finding love with Doctor Boy, no?
  7. Maine, if you were a man, I’d marry you. Wow, I already can’t wait to get back to Maine this summer. Absolutely my favorite memories and posts this year were about Maine. Brings me back to that happiness instantly.
  8. Sometimes all you need is family and a lot of faith: I wrote a lot about my sister Jen’s illness after she had my niece Isabel and this post makes me cry every time I read it. I was scared, I was worried and my heart was breaking for my sister. Looking back now, I am eternally grateful for her health now and my dear niece Isabel, well, I just love her to pieces…cue, next favorite blog:
  9. An Open Letter to my Niece Isabel Ann: This post is probably one of my top 3 favorite posts this year. I love her so much and the instantaneously love I felt for her will never, ever wane.
  10. Defining the Feeling and “Can I ask you a Question?”Two defining moments for me this year, beyond all else. I found love. Finally. Yes, this is it.
  11. And my bonus favorite post this year? My “I want” post – is still my all-time favorite post for the sheer fact that I got some of the best feedback I have ever gotten from you all. Thank you. Always.

It was so hard to pick some of my favorites because each and every post I write, I write with purpose and with meaning. I love to write, I love to share my story and I love, love, love all of the feedback and this blog family that gets bigger by the day.

2010…well, she had a fair share of ups and downs by as this year slowly comes to a close, the ups far outweigh the downs, like whoa.

Quote Friday. And what more perfect quote than this one? As I navigate through the unchartered waters of love and struggle with embracing love for what it is and allowing myself to truly, unabashedly love with all of me, I came across a beautiful quote that speaks volumes (thanks whiteecrow!).

Love is difficult to define, and there maybe different definitions. But one definition of love, and perhaps the most pure and exalted kind of love, is an utter, absolute, and unqualified wish for the other’s happiness.

This quote speaks volumes to me!! Not only does it really define loving someone in your life, it defines love in the more holistic sense. Loving your friends (and their loving you back) does mean sharing and supporting them in their quest for happiness (and vice versa).

For me, this is huge, because I just naturally feel compelled to want happiness for those close to me, and when that isn’t reciprocated, it says a lot about that person, and why they may not want happiness for you, or they may not be able to support you in that. Be it jealousy, or misguided anger, or an inability to see that happiness for others and happiness in their lives sometimes lends to your own happiness.

Or it should lend to your happiness too.

I don’t know about you, but when my family and my friends are happy, it warms my heart.

When someone close to me is struggling, or going through something difficult, it makes my heart heavy.

That’s also love, in my book. When you genuninely care for their well-being, almost over your own.

And, in my opinion, that level of reciprocated love, in friendships, relationships and with family, is the kind of love I look for and want. If it’s not there, then quite frankly, they just aren’t worth it.

And getting back to this definition in terms of Doctor Boy? Well, I think this screams “him” all the way. His happiness for me (cue unspoken resolution…) floored me. I knew he would be supportive, but as part of this, there will be some challenges for us, but he doesn’t care. Because he loves me, and he wants what is best for me. Damn, how did I get so lucky?

Have a great weekend friends, I’m really looking forward to it myself. Lots of time spent with Doctor Boy, friends, and, well, wine, of course. So much to celebrate, so little time 😉 Cheers!

Has been met.

But I can’t tell you what it is.

And it’s killing me.

I will, but I can’t. Not here, and not now.

Perhaps it will be the first post on my new blog, and I know it’s a ridiculous tease to even mention it here without being able to disclose it. (hint: if you email me, I will tell you! drop me a line…and some of you already know what it is, privately, of course)

I will say this – it does tie in to one of my resolutions for 2010…and maybe that will help you connect the dots. But I am so proud of how far I’ve come and how 2011 is truly shaping up to be utterly amazing in so many ways.

Beyond this ‘unspoken’ resolution I vowed for this year, I’ve accomplished so much, mentally, physically, and emotionally. Hell, I’ve found love! I never even thought that would happen, and I’m embracing it, I promise. It will be difficult to capture all that 2010 has meant to me, but I plan to, in upcoming posts, because I want it seared in my memory forever (and documented here, before I shift into my new blog…or shall we just call it an evolution of TBD?)

So, friends, know that there is major change afoot in my life. It’s scary. It’s brand spanking new. And I’m ready to dive in. Wheee!

 

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