moving on


Well, this is it.

My very last post for To Be Determined.

After today, I am going to dedicate my time to my “evolved” blog and though I am looking forward to it, I am nostalgic as I wish I could take this “home” with me to my new home. But for now, I will just visit it every so often, look back at the almost-three years worth of blog posts on my life and what I’ve accomplished.

It almost brings tears to my eyes to think back at where I began to where I am now. I never want to let her go…that scared, fragile, heart-broken, weak, sad and sometimes angry person I was…because I learned so much from her, and how I could turn those negative characteristics and emotions into strength, resilience, perserverence, happiness, and a (usually) abounding sense of perspective.

I’m proud of her ,and who she’s become. And while I am letting her go in favor of the me I am now, she has shaped me into who I am today. I’m damn proud. I don’t care if this post sounds a bit indulgent…I know it probably does, but after getting through the difficulties of divorce and all of the baggage that comes with it (poor finances, loss of a house, lack of confidence, sadness and loss), I’m not her anymore.

I’m me…renewed.

And I thank you all for joining me in my journey and allowing me to share in yours. Cheers, friends.

“There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind. But keep in mind that letting go isn’t the end of the world, it’s the beginning of a new life.”

~~

*If you would like to follow my new blog, simply leave me a comment here and I will email you the link*

Some of my favorite moments of 2010…recapped here, in ‘moment-style’…

at this moment, surer than ever…

life, amplified.

the vacation of a lifetime. like whoa.

moving…again.

the best summer ever, hands down.

…turning a corner, and recovering, my little Nals.

prosseco on the beach. Um, yes.

Maine, Maine, Maine, Maine and Maine!

auntie throwdown…in style.

Tiago. Enough said.

sweating a weekend away.

honest, true, friendship. And some epic-ness.

simple, yet powerful.

bloggy friend meet-up!

BISC Vegas-style!

of pity parties and clarity.

...realizing I’m worth more.

one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

until this.

I’m sure I’m missing many moments from 2010 that I’d rewind 100 times over because of what they stood for, what they’ve helped me become, and of course for the fun many of them entail. 2010…you’ve been one hell of a year, and if it’s been *that* good, I can’t even imagine how good 2011 is going to be. I’m belted in, and ready for the ride.

Bring it.


So, I’ve taken the plunge and started my new blog and will begin transitioning to that one, from here.

But it begs the question…where do I go from here?

I still have so much to say and some posts I want to post here, before completely transitioning over.

Part of me is sad to say goodbye to this blog, as it’s been my haven for going-on three years now (wow!).

Part of me is overwhelmed by how much groundwork I need to re-lay on my story.

And part of me wonders how much of that story I should include on that blog (since I am starting from scratch and not carrying any of my posts from here to that blog, for obvious anonymity reasons!), and how much I should just let trickle out as time goes on, given my readership will my “family” of readers until I can re-build up a new following.

But the bottom line is this: I’m ready for the evolution.

As there is so much more I want to say, and so much I have not disclosed here, that I feel I can better in my new “home.”

I plan to do a few more posts here, at least, including a look back at my year, some of my favorite posts, and of course, a closing post to make sure anyone that didn’t see my post a couple weeks ago about my decision to change my blog, will know now.

Thank you for all of your support and comments and enthusiasm towards my decision, here, and in my new “home” and hopefully I can get my thoughts together to do a few good posts coming up soon (as right now, I feel far too overwhelmed…change afoot everywhere, but all good changes, of course).

Randomly realized this is my 600th blog post today while checking out some of my stats (nearing 100K site visits too – amazing what can happen in less than two years of blogging, isn’t it?!) while also realizing that some of the content on my blog feels a little outdated.

I know I need to refresh it in many ways (going back to that pesky resolution/goal for 2010 to make my blog me!), but one thing that feels outdated is my “who I am” section:

I’m a 30 31 year old woman who has gone through a huge life change over the last two years…I got divorced from a man I have been with for almost 10 years. It’s been an eye-opening process and I am realizing life is all about determination and moving on with your life. So, I call my blog “To be determined” which signifies a few things…to be determined in terms of redefining my identity and what I want the next phase of my life to look like, and to be determined in terms of being determined to be strong, hopeful, and happy for where life will take me.

This blog chronicles my thoughts on moving on, rediscovering who I am and where I want to go in life, entering the dating world, and my ongoing friendship with my now ex-husband. This is my story, day by day.

To catch up on where things began, check out this post, and for when it ended, click here.

While in some ways, it still captures the goal and feel of this blog, in other ways, it doesn’t.

That “huge life change” (read: divorce) feels like ancient history already. It feels like a label. I’m not that label anymore. I’m a survivor. I’m a conqueror. I’m independent. I’m not redefined…I’m refined, into the me that was always there but somehow hidden. I’m me. Probably for the first time in years, I feel more “me” than I ever have felt.

That’s amazing to say and write and feel.

Yes, I am determined. In many ways. I’ve moved on, though, beyond the pain and sadness to a phase in my life where I have never been more self-aware, self-assured and confident that my life as I have laid it out, is exactly what it’s meant to be.

But, “To Be Determined” in the sense of an open slate…what’s next?

What is next?

Time will tell. I want to take the next challenge, push myself out of my comfort zone and go for it.

What is it, you ask?

Well, TBD. 😉

(how’s that for a teaser?! And now to think of how to rephrase my “who I am” section…)

I’ve been thinking all day about my post last night, with regard to my feelings for my ex-husband and feeling a little sad.

Maybe it’s because our relationship is (again) evolving.

I’m realistic to know that it will continue to evolve as we move further and further away from our marriage and our divorce, with less in common, less to talk about, less to *need* to talk about, and while I want him in my life in some capacity (if he’s also willing), it does take effort (from both parties) and it does take commitment from both to want to stay in touch.

I know I have the effort and willingness in me to keep in touch, and I want to, but I also wonder if that’s what he wants, or if it’ll eventually become forced.

I don’t want that.

We’ve come so far from where we began and from where the “we” ended to who “we” are now, that in my mind, it would be foolish to let that wane, for no good reason other than lack of time. With the holidays coming, there will be even less free time (not that I am complaining…I love how busy the holidays are, given much of it is social fun and family time!), but I hope we can continue to at least catch up here and there.

And then I start wondering if I am forcing it. And for what reason?

I care about him, but I most certainly am not in love with him.

I like getting together for dinner sometimes, even if it’s secretly because I miss some of what he used to cook (his meatloaf was out of this world, what can I say?!) and I *do* like hearing about his life, work, family etc.

I like giving him advice, if he needs it or wants it. Yet I don’t tend to ask him for advice (at least not in the man department!).

So, is it worth it?

I think it is. But I still wonder if he feels the same. About wanting to stay in touch. Time will tell.

I’m realistic in knowing our relationship is evolving.

And I’m okay with that. I just wonder if he sees it too (or even cares).

~~

I can say, without a shadow of a doubt, however, that I am thankful for having such a good relationship with him, even if it does wane here and there. And I am thankful that we haven’t *yet* lost touch after more than two years. I just know that as time passes, it will take effort for us to keep it that way, in some capacity.

An evolution.

 

As I drove home this evening after another rewarding (but exhausting!) “baby duty” day with my sister Jen and niece Isabel, it struck me.

This weekend, two years ago, was the weekend my life turned upside down, when I officially knew my marriage was over. (the days leading into realizing this wasn’t just a fight, but the beginning of the end are a little hazy for me but if you read my blog series under “Some of my favorites” you can get all of the details on how it unfolded)

And on this quote Friday, there’s nothing better to fit what I’m feeling than Rascal Flatts’ “My Wish” in large part for these specifically:

I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,
All the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret

I can, without a shadow of a doubt say that I will never look back at my marriage and wish I was still in it. I can, without a shadow of a doubt, know who loves me (and love them back), forgive and never regret. Why? Because at this point in my life, two years later, I firmly believe I am exactly where I’m meant to be. It feels so amazing, every time I reach one of these milestones and realizations that the little things melt away and the big things come to the forefront and I realize this is where I’m meant to be, without a shadow of a doubt.

And these lyrics are dead-on for what I feel – hell yeah, they are dead-on:

But more than anything, yeah, and more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you’re out there getting where you’re getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

It can’t get any better than that, can it?

To know you are loved, and to love back.

…and to know you are capable of love again.

To know that there are big dreams ahead, and a lot to be accomplished.

…and to know you’re capable of big things.

To know that above all else, there are no failures in life, just challenges that make you stronger.

“I hope you never look back, but you never forget.”

…when you know he would do anything to make you happy. when you would do anything to make them happy, and want to do anything to make them happy.

defining the feeling.

…when you take your first run together and “get” what your sister means about running connecting you together in a different way. Sharing something important to you, and being able to talk about things like where you would live if the sky was the limit, or where you want to travel, if money was no object.

defining the feeling.

…when you watch him tenderly care for your sister’s IV needs, and then she requests he do it again on Friday, even though Jess was shown how to do it.

defining the feeling.

…when you see qualities you have always wanted in someone – devotion, dedication, perspective, genuineness.

defining the feeling.

…when you find yourself thinking ahead to holidays and vacations and the future.

defining the feeling.

…when there is no place better than being in their arms, or looking into their eyes and seeing the feeling mimicked in your eyes.

defining the feeling.

…when it’s on the tip of your tongue, you reiterate it in your brain, and it’s in everything that you do.

defining the feeling.

…when you look into their eyes and see home.

what is the feeling? It’s love.

That’s right…when Doctor Boy whispered into my ear as he tends to at least once a night when I see him “I love you” I finally said it back.

And the smile back and hug and kiss was like no other…sheer happiness and joy. From him, and from me. I can’t believe I am actually in love, after the many months and months of wanting to find it, it found me first.

Swoon.

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