Your independence.

When I asked Doctor Boy what the one thing he loved most about me was, I wasn’t expecting the response I got.

Him: “I love so many things about you. Do I have to pick one?”

Me: Blushing. “Yes.”

Him: “I love your independence.”

Me: “Really?” That’s what you love most? Wow.”

…and not that I don’t agree that I am independent. I guess I didn’t expect for it to be that obvious that I *am* independent or for him to love that so much about me. But he does. And that means so much to me. Because he respects my routine (yet nudges me to let go just a little bit), he respects my need for a healthy balance of me time, friend time, and time spent with him. And he just genuinely loves me for me.

And more and more, I am falling so hard in love, and it doesn’t scare me one bit. He’s really it. The real deal. The one I want to spent every minute with, that ‘gets’ my humor (as his is similar), that is driven (check!), happy (check!), also independent (check!), supportive of my every decision, and  one of the most generous men I have ever met (yet not in a going-overboard-to-woo-me way).

I told him that what I love about him is just that. His drive. His ambition. His generosity. HIM.

I love him. Through and through. He’s awesome.

Indescribable.

~~

And I never want to take it for granted. And I know I need to let go of my routine a little bit more. Or, invite him into it more. I do, to a point, but why not just embrace it? I will. One step at a time.

I’m learning a lot from my relationship with Doctor Boy.

Like being honest is key.

Like allowing for a little “room” in my routine.

…but also making sure I don’t get lost in un-routine either.

Yesterday morning, we woke up and I was hell-bent on getting my workout done (and not sleeping in *too* much, as I knew I had a lot to get done at home, like errands, and cleaning and my “usual” Saturday routine that calms me. Yes, cleaning and errands calm me and organize me! It’s part of my type A- nature!) and then going home to get started on said routine.

Doctor Boy asked me to stay for breakfast. And knowing that I had a lot to get done, I thanked him, but opted to go home to get things done.

When I left, I immediately felt a little selfish and too rigid in my “routine” (even though, for the record, I tossed said routine out the window the weekend prior because I had a busy weekend and sometimes it just doesn’t get done, even for me). And I texted him and told him that I felt badly for leaving without breakfast with him first, but that sometimes I just need to get to my routine.

And he said that it’s one thing he’s tried to do…de-routine sometimes.

Which made me feel worse.

But then he proceeded to tell me “not to change a thing” because it’s what makes me “me” and he loves for who I am (even with my sometimes-rigid routine).

So, I’m learning.

To be honest and stick to what I want to do, even if it isn’t always compromise. (because as much as I am all for compromise and meeting in the middle, I also think there is value with sticking to what you want, even if it’s as ‘small’ as simpling going home sans breakfast)

But also that as much as I have my own routine, I also have someone else in my ‘routine’ with me and I need (and want) to allow for that too. I’m still adjusting to maintaining balance and the in-between, and it takes a level of deliberance (is that a word), that I often think about. As natural and as much as I want to spend every waking minute with Doctor Boy, I also still completely enjoy my ‘me’ time (which includes my routine) and I think that’s okay.

I think it’s important to maintain that sense of self and individuality in a relationship. At least it is for me.

And the fact that Doctor Boy loves that about me means a lot. He respects it, and I respect his similar need to spend time with his friends and family too.

It feels as though the making for something special, long term, is really and truly there. I’ve felt it for awhile now, but I’m more sure than ever now. I learn every day, I learn.

Quote Friday. And what more perfect quote than this one? As I navigate through the unchartered waters of love and struggle with embracing love for what it is and allowing myself to truly, unabashedly love with all of me, I came across a beautiful quote that speaks volumes (thanks whiteecrow!).

Love is difficult to define, and there maybe different definitions. But one definition of love, and perhaps the most pure and exalted kind of love, is an utter, absolute, and unqualified wish for the other’s happiness.

This quote speaks volumes to me!! Not only does it really define loving someone in your life, it defines love in the more holistic sense. Loving your friends (and their loving you back) does mean sharing and supporting them in their quest for happiness (and vice versa).

For me, this is huge, because I just naturally feel compelled to want happiness for those close to me, and when that isn’t reciprocated, it says a lot about that person, and why they may not want happiness for you, or they may not be able to support you in that. Be it jealousy, or misguided anger, or an inability to see that happiness for others and happiness in their lives sometimes lends to your own happiness.

Or it should lend to your happiness too.

I don’t know about you, but when my family and my friends are happy, it warms my heart.

When someone close to me is struggling, or going through something difficult, it makes my heart heavy.

That’s also love, in my book. When you genuninely care for their well-being, almost over your own.

And, in my opinion, that level of reciprocated love, in friendships, relationships and with family, is the kind of love I look for and want. If it’s not there, then quite frankly, they just aren’t worth it.

And getting back to this definition in terms of Doctor Boy? Well, I think this screams “him” all the way. His happiness for me (cue unspoken resolution…) floored me. I knew he would be supportive, but as part of this, there will be some challenges for us, but he doesn’t care. Because he loves me, and he wants what is best for me. Damn, how did I get so lucky?

Have a great weekend friends, I’m really looking forward to it myself. Lots of time spent with Doctor Boy, friends, and, well, wine, of course. So much to celebrate, so little time 😉 Cheers!

Has been met.

But I can’t tell you what it is.

And it’s killing me.

I will, but I can’t. Not here, and not now.

Perhaps it will be the first post on my new blog, and I know it’s a ridiculous tease to even mention it here without being able to disclose it. (hint: if you email me, I will tell you! drop me a line…and some of you already know what it is, privately, of course)

I will say this – it does tie in to one of my resolutions for 2010…and maybe that will help you connect the dots. But I am so proud of how far I’ve come and how 2011 is truly shaping up to be utterly amazing in so many ways.

Beyond this ‘unspoken’ resolution I vowed for this year, I’ve accomplished so much, mentally, physically, and emotionally. Hell, I’ve found love! I never even thought that would happen, and I’m embracing it, I promise. It will be difficult to capture all that 2010 has meant to me, but I plan to, in upcoming posts, because I want it seared in my memory forever (and documented here, before I shift into my new blog…or shall we just call it an evolution of TBD?)

So, friends, know that there is major change afoot in my life. It’s scary. It’s brand spanking new. And I’m ready to dive in. Wheee!

 

For as much as I have fallen in love with Doctor Boy, sometimes I feel myself holding back ever so slightly.It’s as though I *still* can’t believe *he* loves *me.*

Why is that?

I know I am worth it, I know I’ve worked so hard to find the right man, and he is most certainly it. By far. More than I ever dreamed possible.

And maybe that’s it…maybe I’m going back to that “waiting for the other shoe to drop” thing, when I should just be enjoying and savoring every minute of it, while also not sitting back and just taking it for granted either.

I feel blessed.

To have him tell me every single day how much he loves me, how much he loves spending time with me, how beautiful I am (swoon), how happy I make him, how I drive him and motivate him to finish off his PhD, because he sees that as part of our future together.

And sometimes I wonder what I am doing to make him feel that way. Because that’s how he makes me feel, yet, I feel like he does so much more for me than I do for him (even though that’s grossly understated and likely untrue).

Could it be that we both just “do it” for each other that naturally and synergistically?

Really?

I guess I had gotten so accustomed to being rejected that being loved so much feels like the complete other end of the spectrum (well, it is, isn’t it!).

I need to allow it.

I need to embrace it.

I need to own it.

And I need to love the hell out of him back.

Because he’s special. He’s it.

And he’s mine (giggle).

Damn.

~~

Three months ago today…we met.

Today, we’ll go to the same restaurant.

To celebrate…so much to celebrate.

Cheers friends.

Sometimes you just gotta believe.

That you’re worth it.

That you’re loved.

And deserve love (so allow it, will ya?)

That everything happens for a reason, and God works in mysterious ways sometimes, but he’s *always* working.

That when shit happens, there’s usually a light at the end of the tunnel, and it’s a gleaming one.

That you deserve happiness.

That there is joy in giving. So give. Your time. Your love. Your life.

That believing in yourself leads to greatness.

That confidence is learned, but you gotta unlock it yourself, nobody else can.

That sometimes short-term pain is worth long term gain.

That chocolate is a virtue, and so is wine. Often.

That friendships are two-way, filled with respect, communication and love. And if they’re not, they’re not friends.

Believing.

It’s powerful. Believe in something. Just believe.

~~

My post tonight…stream of conscious. I have about four topics in my brain, all swirling around but they’re aren’t coming, so instead, you get this. Believe. Writing it down is powerful.

Eleven years ago, I met my ex-husband.

At a mall, two states away. With my best friend and my sister Jess in tow (why? Because we met online the “old-fashioned” way – via chat room! Seems ancient now, doesn’t it?).

And wow. Does it feel like a whole lifetime ago (funny, I barely touched on it last year).

Because it kind of *was.*

I realized the date as I was mid-workout this weekend, as the tingles of a kiss goodbye from Doctor Boy remained on my lips, and I felt a strange sense of calm.

Things feel right with my ex. We’re in a good place. We chatted today, and I filled him in on some things, we talked of our families and furbabies (his and mine), and it felt good to catch up. He even asked about Doctor Boy (and not in a prying way) and reiterated how happy he is for me. It was a good conversation, better than our last conversation.

Things feel even more right with Doctor Boy.

Even though it felt like a rushed weekend with not a lot of downtime, things felt more connected with Doctor Boy. The love growing between us feels even more palpable. I could feel it emoting from his forehead as his face was leaned into mine. And when he hugs me, it’s engulfing and filled with love. It still feels…amazing…swoonworthy…perfect.

Eleven years ago was a different lifetime, and looking back, I stand by my sentiment that I’ve said a hundred times…I wouldn’t have changed anything, I don’t regret my marriage, or my divorce, and it’s been a big part of who I am today.  And it’s helped me see as clear as day who I want in my life, and I think I’ve found him…Doctor Boy.

It feels good.