Divorced. Past tense. There you have it. Well, that was certainly a surreal experience. As today is quote Friday, I wanted to use something that captures the last 10+ months, and this one fits the bill, because it also feels like it could be my anthem, if I were to ever have one

“Someday everything will make perfect sense. So, for now, laugh at the confusion, smile through the tears and keep reminding yourself that everything happens for a reason.”

While divorce never quite makes sense, the “someday” part is here…after going through all of the pain, confusions and sadness, and emerging on the other side a happier, stronger, more confident, observant, faithful woman, I wouldn’t change what happened for the world. And I know that probably still sounds a bit strange, but I wouldn’t. Just walking into the courthouse with Pete (since, did I mention, he wanted to drive together to the courthouse? Strange, yes, but apparently, not so strange for us!) today, I felt like I was the leader, I was taking change, and he was following. I’m struck by how not different he is, and as I’ve mentioned before, that’s the part that is dissapointing, because I have learned so much from this, but I still don’t think he has learned much from it, or really still knows WHY he did it. But that’s for him to figure out, not me, I am settled with it, I am at peace with it, and I am content. Blissfully content. Because I know everything happens for a reason and God is watching over me and this was written as part of my journey in life, and I feel I’ve conquered it successfully and proven my faith to God, and to myself, through all of this. I feel empowered and incredibly happy right now.

And I can’t wait to celebrate with some good friends tonight for a very fun weekend ahead, and I thank all of my close friends and family for all of their support, because without you, I would never have made it. You are everything to me, and I love you all!

…today is where my book begins, the rest is still unwritten.”

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it’s go time. Tomorrow morning…about 12 hours from now I’ll be just about divorced. Past tense. Wow.

I think last night was worse for me than tonight, I felt like I mourned the loss of what we had and let it really sink in, and today, I just have some anxiety and anticipation over the whole thing. I also wrote my letter to Pete last night, and I’ll post an excerpt of it here (I was going to share the whole thing, but feel some things aren’t always meant to be that transparent). Writing it, I feel like I experienced the “death” of what we were, and thought back to day 1 – today of what we’ve become.

So, here’s an excerpt…saying goodbye to yesterday..

I am thinking about the beginning, and realizing right now, writing this, that THIS is how it began. Words…in that Excite chat room almost 10 years ago. Amazing. We were both so young, you 19, me 20, and now, we are almost exactly 10 years later, you, 29, me on the verge of 30, and we are both completely different people than we were then, and even than we were last October, when this all began.

In a way, it feels tragic still, that “we” are ending, but in another way, it feels right, because we have cultivated a very good friendship, spawned out of a strong relationship, and two people that still care about each other. Last October, I was heartbroken. Completely devastated. As though I was empty, lost, scared, and shellshocked. I didn’t think I would recover, and I never, ever thought I’d become who I am today. But after so many months, so many challenges to surpass, I am proud to have made it this far, and almost prouder that we are still side by side, supporting each other as friends, as two people that do genuinely care about each other. And that gives me closure, and I hope it gives you closure too. We’ll never know if we were “meant” to be, if it would have worked, had we had the chance to work on it, but I don’t think I would change a thing. There are no what-if’s, there are no second chances, this is it, and I’m confident this is what was meant to be…

…I want to thank you for sharing the past 10 years with me, as I will never forget this time in my life. I will always have a special place in my heart for you, and I know deep down, I do love you – in a different way now, but it’s there – and I’m glad we made it through this at-times rocky journey with that in-tact. It shows how strong we both really are. Together.

~~~

on another side note…I hit 8,000 hits today, which is AMAZING, since I just hit 7,000 on August 27, less than 3 weeks ago…I feel blessed to have so many people reading…hope you are enjoying this journey with me…

…and the divorce finality is starting to really hit me. I re-read my blog yesterday, and for some reason, the quote “that’s what happens in the end…you start thinking about the beginning” feels so tragically accurate right now.

I’ve been thinking about writing a letter to Pete. Sort of a goodbye to what we had, hello to the future of “us” as a friendship entity (and posting that letter here, tomorrow, prior to Friday, where I plan to post my thoughts post-divorce). But as I think about writing it, I get this overwhelming sense of sadness. As though all of those feelings last October come rushing back and I just want to run away from it all over again, but I think now, this is how I am cleansing, getting it all out, feeling it – as raw as it feels, and as real as it feels – so I can move on. Purely. Strongly. And optimistically.

So, look for that letter tomorrow (if I can get myself to actually write it).

~~

In lighter news…I finally had a date with match.com boy #6 last night – the one I’ve been trying to meet for oh, five weeks now. I’m glad I didn’t blog about it beforehand, in case I jinxed it, because it went really well. I’m almost afraid to admit that I like him, because I’m gunshy he’ll never call again (but that’s probably just me purely overthinking, as usual), but not only was he SUPER SUPER cute (I mean, he is thisclose to rivaling the holy grail of hotness…but for some reason CSB is still ahead – ha), he was a gentleman…stood up when I arrived, gave me a kiss on the cheek and a hug when I arrived (and after walking me back to my car), and we have a lot in common (and some things NOT so in common, which I totally dig). He’s also recently divorced, 30, and getting back into dating, so that’s pretty cool too. He’s traveling for the next couple weeks, so don’t expect any sort of update on that for awhile, but it was a great time, I felt chemistry and hopefully, date #2 is in our future.

But you need to line up (and I take bribes). My interview was today!

I was a little nervous beforehand, not sure why, I live and breathe “the situation” and my life daily! (mental note: I’m going to have to come up with a new name for “the situation” – because it’s no longer “the situation” to me. This is my life, and I daresay, that “situation” is turning into one of the best things that could have happened, I am thinking…).

Anyway, it was a great discussion, and some of the things I shared, I hadn’t really verbalized before, nor had I really realized that’s how I felt. Mandy asked me if becoming more independent (something I said was probably one of my – if not my biggest – achievements) was purposeful…and I hadn’t really thought of it that way before, so I don’t know if it WAS purposeful THEN, but it IS purposeful now. Even though I have days where I get down about being alone, or get a smidge lonely, there are days – like today – that I just cherish. I’m sitting here, with a glass of wine, the Red Sox in the background (soon to be So you think you can dance – one of my guilty pleasures…probably because I can’t dance to save my life!!) and um, that’s it. Nobody talking to me, nobody bothering me, nothing. It’s great. It really helps me center myself, reset for the next day and just “be.”

I also found myself a little nostalgic after the interview (can’t wait for it to post BTW!) and thinking towards d-day on 9/11. I’m afraid I might cry during the court session, for some reason, just because the magnitude of what is taking place is hitting me, and will hit me smack in the face then, too. And I don’t want to cry, not because I am trying to be strong and proud and hold it in, but because I am not weak, I am not sad so much about it ending, because I do want and NEED that closure, but just because it’s the end of a huge era in my life. Ten years. TEN years. That’s one-third of my life. Door shut. Just an odd feeling.

But alas, I am rambling again. Life goes on…

So, I had another very enlightening conversation with Pete, randomly, last night. I mentioned that I signed the divorce papers on Monday, and he said, yeah, I know, I saw what you wrote on Facebook. I had written “signed, sealed, and delivered” – thinking that was a vague phrase to use that most of the people on my page wouldn’t understand, but for me, it felt like this “situation” is finally coming to a close. He said it hurt his feelings and he was really angry at my yesterday, because it felt like I just wanted to get rid of him and was rubbing it in his face. His perception – but not truly reality.

First of all, there are so many things wrong with that statement, it’s ridiculous – he left me, not vice versa, and just because I am moving on and feeling a sense of closure, doesn’t mean I am trying to get “rid” of him as a friend. As I have mentioned many times before, our relationship has evolved into something of a friendship and I feel peace with it (while many would feel angst, stress, or resentment), so I felt the need to then explain why I wrote what I wrote.

I explained that, last October, his “signed, sealed and delivered” was walking away from the marriage and giving up. For me, I had no closure, and I was forced to find my way and myself and move on. The fact that the divorce is finally moving ahead IS my closure, it is helping me feel grounded and as though I can move on, and look forward to the next phase of my life (that I’ve already started, of course, but the divorce, and selling the house, will cement that further). When I explained that to him, he seemed to “get it” more and realized I wasn’t trying to hurt him, but I think he also understood where I am coming from through all of this.

Then we got into a conversation about how it ended. He remarked that this time last year, he started feeling “f-ed up” and confused and unhappy, and that was the beginning of the end for him – unbenownst to me. I asked him if he regretted anything and he said he regrets giving up and walking out, that he should have tried harder. I asked him if he thought it would have mattered, or if it would have dragged things out, hurting me more. He said he didn’t know, but he was sorry for just running away (that, to me, is a sense of regret, in not so many words). He said we had the perfect relationship but that we were just best friends at the end. And I explained to him that yes, I thought the same, but only after he pointed that out, but that what neither of us did is try to recreate the spark that helped us fall in love in the first place, and that just because we didn’t fight, didn’t mean we were good communicators. He agreed with that, too (but only after I pointed it out…). And I said that I do want to be friends, and I think we can continue that, because that is what our 10 year relationship has always been rooted in.

That was basically our conversation…it was eye-opening, I think, for both of us, because perception never IS reality, and you really need to see what’s under the covers to really know what’s going on. Things are never as they appear on the surface, are they?

~~~

side note – wish me luck on date #1 with match.com boy #2 tonight 🙂 I am starting to feel a little nervous, but not nearly as nervous as the first date I went on, because at least now I know I can do it!!

It’s been an eye opening week or so, mentally. I feel like I am entering a new phase of “the situation” where I need to come to terms with the fact that we are both moving on (some faster than others…), that I need to truly be “okay” with being alone, and branching out, and that whatever life throws at me, I need to internalize, accept, and grow from.

I had another mini-funk yesterday where I just got unbelievably down, and was feeling alone, so I went for a bit of a drive (in my snazzy new car). I turned my iPod on and just drove and listened, and one of my all-time favorite Boyz II Men (don’t tease, they are a great group!) songs “It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday” came on and I almost changed the song, because I was trying to stay towards upbeat songs, but the words captivated me:

How do I say goodbye to what we had?
The good times that made us laugh
Outweigh the bad.

I thought we’d get to see forever
But forever’s gone away
It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

I don’t know where this road
Is going to lead
All I know is where we’ve been
And what we’ve been through.

If we get to see tomorrow
I hope it’s worth all the wait
It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

And I’ll take with me the memories
To be my sunshine after the rain
It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

And I’ll take with me the memories
To be my sunshine after the rain
It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

What more can I say to those words? They capture exactly what I am feeling. I’m in this limbo of friendship and moving on with Pete, and while I do want to retain some kind of friendship with him, I need to let go of the past friendship/relationship we had and realize it’s going to keep changing and I need to find a happy medium – a friendship that I am comfortable with, when I am ready. So, I’ve given it some space and haven’t really talked much to him the past few days. I think I need that space to regroup in my mind, say goodbye to “yesterday” and say hello to the future.

Me. Single. Happy. An Individual.

and things with Pete are feeling refreshingly normal.

I’ve written about this before, but as time goes on, I almost expected things to go back into an awkward phase as our lives continue to separate and be our own and not “shared” but that’s not really the case. We continue to talk a few times a week, sometimes daily (some of it just due to going through the divorce process and talking about options – house, etc) and get together for dinner on Sunday and Monday, and it’s just very friendly and normal. And, unlike a few months ago, at this point, I don’t know that it will be upsetting to me once Pete starts dating again. Now, I have no idea when that will be, or who will be dating first – me or him – but as of right now, I’m feeling in a good place with my relationship with Pete and don’t think it will bother me. I’m actually kinda curious what this chick will be like – in all girly semi-cattiness and all 😉

The one sticking point I still have, though, is just wishing things could be “normal” with my family and Pete. I know that sounds SO weird, but one of my sisters in particular, and my brother-in-law, were SUPER close and I just wish we could all share a friendship of some kind. Maybe someday, and for now, I respect the decision of both parties, because they’ve both been very supportive and NOT negative or bashing. In fact, my family overall has not really bashed Pete at all, something I truly appreciate (especially since Pete’s family is a WHOLE different story – jerks – lol – that’s for another post for another day!!).

Okay, I’m rambling, but these are my thoughts tonight on how things are progressing with Pete. I couldn’t really ask for it to be more amicable right now. Feeling content.