I’m learning a lot from my relationship with Doctor Boy.

Like being honest is key.

Like allowing for a little “room” in my routine.

…but also making sure I don’t get lost in un-routine either.

Yesterday morning, we woke up and I was hell-bent on getting my workout done (and not sleeping in *too* much, as I knew I had a lot to get done at home, like errands, and cleaning and my “usual” Saturday routine that calms me. Yes, cleaning and errands calm me and organize me! It’s part of my type A- nature!) and then going home to get started on said routine.

Doctor Boy asked me to stay for breakfast. And knowing that I had a lot to get done, I thanked him, but opted to go home to get things done.

When I left, I immediately felt a little selfish and too rigid in my “routine” (even though, for the record, I tossed said routine out the window the weekend prior because I had a busy weekend and sometimes it just doesn’t get done, even for me). And I texted him and told him that I felt badly for leaving without breakfast with him first, but that sometimes I just need to get to my routine.

And he said that it’s one thing he’s tried to do…de-routine sometimes.

Which made me feel worse.

But then he proceeded to tell me “not to change a thing” because it’s what makes me “me” and he loves for who I am (even with my sometimes-rigid routine).

So, I’m learning.

To be honest and stick to what I want to do, even if it isn’t always compromise. (because as much as I am all for compromise and meeting in the middle, I also think there is value with sticking to what you want, even if it’s as ‘small’ as simpling going home sans breakfast)

But also that as much as I have my own routine, I also have someone else in my ‘routine’ with me and I need (and want) to allow for that too. I’m still adjusting to maintaining balance and the in-between, and it takes a level of deliberance (is that a word), that I often think about. As natural and as much as I want to spend every waking minute with Doctor Boy, I also still completely enjoy my ‘me’ time (which includes my routine) and I think that’s okay.

I think it’s important to maintain that sense of self and individuality in a relationship. At least it is for me.

And the fact that Doctor Boy loves that about me means a lot. He respects it, and I respect his similar need to spend time with his friends and family too.

It feels as though the making for something special, long term, is really and truly there. I’ve felt it for awhile now, but I’m more sure than ever now. I learn every day, I learn.

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Quote Friday. And what more perfect quote than this one? As I navigate through the unchartered waters of love and struggle with embracing love for what it is and allowing myself to truly, unabashedly love with all of me, I came across a beautiful quote that speaks volumes (thanks whiteecrow!).

Love is difficult to define, and there maybe different definitions. But one definition of love, and perhaps the most pure and exalted kind of love, is an utter, absolute, and unqualified wish for the other’s happiness.

This quote speaks volumes to me!! Not only does it really define loving someone in your life, it defines love in the more holistic sense. Loving your friends (and their loving you back) does mean sharing and supporting them in their quest for happiness (and vice versa).

For me, this is huge, because I just naturally feel compelled to want happiness for those close to me, and when that isn’t reciprocated, it says a lot about that person, and why they may not want happiness for you, or they may not be able to support you in that. Be it jealousy, or misguided anger, or an inability to see that happiness for others and happiness in their lives sometimes lends to your own happiness.

Or it should lend to your happiness too.

I don’t know about you, but when my family and my friends are happy, it warms my heart.

When someone close to me is struggling, or going through something difficult, it makes my heart heavy.

That’s also love, in my book. When you genuninely care for their well-being, almost over your own.

And, in my opinion, that level of reciprocated love, in friendships, relationships and with family, is the kind of love I look for and want. If it’s not there, then quite frankly, they just aren’t worth it.

And getting back to this definition in terms of Doctor Boy? Well, I think this screams “him” all the way. His happiness for me (cue unspoken resolution…) floored me. I knew he would be supportive, but as part of this, there will be some challenges for us, but he doesn’t care. Because he loves me, and he wants what is best for me. Damn, how did I get so lucky?

Have a great weekend friends, I’m really looking forward to it myself. Lots of time spent with Doctor Boy, friends, and, well, wine, of course. So much to celebrate, so little time 😉 Cheers!

For as much as I have fallen in love with Doctor Boy, sometimes I feel myself holding back ever so slightly.It’s as though I *still* can’t believe *he* loves *me.*

Why is that?

I know I am worth it, I know I’ve worked so hard to find the right man, and he is most certainly it. By far. More than I ever dreamed possible.

And maybe that’s it…maybe I’m going back to that “waiting for the other shoe to drop” thing, when I should just be enjoying and savoring every minute of it, while also not sitting back and just taking it for granted either.

I feel blessed.

To have him tell me every single day how much he loves me, how much he loves spending time with me, how beautiful I am (swoon), how happy I make him, how I drive him and motivate him to finish off his PhD, because he sees that as part of our future together.

And sometimes I wonder what I am doing to make him feel that way. Because that’s how he makes me feel, yet, I feel like he does so much more for me than I do for him (even though that’s grossly understated and likely untrue).

Could it be that we both just “do it” for each other that naturally and synergistically?

Really?

I guess I had gotten so accustomed to being rejected that being loved so much feels like the complete other end of the spectrum (well, it is, isn’t it!).

I need to allow it.

I need to embrace it.

I need to own it.

And I need to love the hell out of him back.

Because he’s special. He’s it.

And he’s mine (giggle).

Damn.

~~

Three months ago today…we met.

Today, we’ll go to the same restaurant.

To celebrate…so much to celebrate.

Cheers friends.

Eleven years ago, I met my ex-husband.

At a mall, two states away. With my best friend and my sister Jess in tow (why? Because we met online the “old-fashioned” way – via chat room! Seems ancient now, doesn’t it?).

And wow. Does it feel like a whole lifetime ago (funny, I barely touched on it last year).

Because it kind of *was.*

I realized the date as I was mid-workout this weekend, as the tingles of a kiss goodbye from Doctor Boy remained on my lips, and I felt a strange sense of calm.

Things feel right with my ex. We’re in a good place. We chatted today, and I filled him in on some things, we talked of our families and furbabies (his and mine), and it felt good to catch up. He even asked about Doctor Boy (and not in a prying way) and reiterated how happy he is for me. It was a good conversation, better than our last conversation.

Things feel even more right with Doctor Boy.

Even though it felt like a rushed weekend with not a lot of downtime, things felt more connected with Doctor Boy. The love growing between us feels even more palpable. I could feel it emoting from his forehead as his face was leaned into mine. And when he hugs me, it’s engulfing and filled with love. It still feels…amazing…swoonworthy…perfect.

Eleven years ago was a different lifetime, and looking back, I stand by my sentiment that I’ve said a hundred times…I wouldn’t have changed anything, I don’t regret my marriage, or my divorce, and it’s been a big part of who I am today.  And it’s helped me see as clear as day who I want in my life, and I think I’ve found him…Doctor Boy.

It feels good.

So, it’s Sunday, and the weekend has literally flown by in the blink of an eye, so pardon my random musings, but this is what’s swirling around in my brain presently:

  • Okay, sooo now what? I’ve declared that I am transitioning my blog to more of an anonymous one, so where do I start? Anyone have any pointers on how they slowly transitioned until this one became “retired” and the new one became the everyday blog? I don’t want to lose all of the content here and plan to shift it all over, but any advice supremely appreciated 🙂
  • Speaking of that post, I’m blown away by the response. More than 40 comments, private emails and Facebook messages noting support, love, and appreciation for my blog. Wow, I never imagined, almost two years ago when I started this blog, that so many could identify with what I have to say, and my experiences, and my journey. I thank you all for continuing to share this with me. It means more than you could know.
  • It’s also one of those times where I wish this blog was private, as there is so much I want to share right now that I just can’t. Soon enough, I will. And know that it’s a sign of good things to come. I hope.
  • Vegas, anyone?! Seems Doctor Boy and I may be headed to Vegas in June! Who’s in for a lil bloggy reunion of sorts?! Mini Bloggers in Sin City style, except on a smaller scale?! I’ve emailed a few of you, but if you’re interested, for sure let me know, as I’d seriously love to do it up in Vegas!! So fun.
  • I love seeing this bloggy circle expanding…from those I read every day and seeing other bloggy friends start reading each other’s posts and commenting. It feels like we’re expanding and I love it! I love seeing the exchanges (since I subscribe to all comments on the blogs I comment on!). It warms my heart. Does anyone else get that way?
  • For those of you in colder climates…does anyone else have NO tolerance for this cold weather? It’s not even winter yet, and I’m at my wits end. I can’t handle it. I go outside and feel slapped in the face with cold, as if I’m surprised it’s so cold out. WTF? I think Mexico has to be in my future or I just might not make it through the winter. Just sayin.
  • I still am not used to feeling so loved. Doctor Boy gets more amazing by the day. He’s so thoughtful, genuine, loving, happy, driven, funny, laid back (I can learn from that, seriously. I need to let go of routine just a little bit more sometimes!). And he loves me. Who knew?! Swoon.

See. A lot swirling through my brain, mostly good, bloggy-related thoughts. It’s Sunday. I hope to enjoy the rest of it at Doctor Boy’s house, over a good movie, the couch and dinner cooked in.

Enjoy the res of it, friends!

 

…you need to bloom where you are planted (even if it’s not where you want to be planted all the time).

…you need to embrace contentment (and not just look around the corner for the next challenge, level, etc).

…you need to realize the good friendships vs. the toxic ones. embrace the good ones. tightly.

…that it’s the little things. like a phone call “to hear my voice” (swoon) or a skype chat with a bloggy bestie 🙂

…to take it one day at a time, not one week, or one month. stop ‘can’t wait-ing’ and just live.

…that differences of opinion aren’t always bad, they’re just a new way of thinking.

…that a picture of your niece can make the difference between a “meh” Monday and a better one.

…that the warmth in your heart – that overwhelming warmth – is love, love you haven’t felt in years.

…that prayer is powerful, as is faith, and if you can believe, you can conquer.

…that a good ab workout can make you feel taller.

…that silence isn’t always a bad thing.

and that getting through the day is sometimes ok, too, rather than loving it (since let’s face it, we can’t always have a good day, right?).

And that sometimes, just sometimes, life can feel pretty damn good, even with bumps and bruises along the way. It’s what makes us who we are, stronger, better, happier, more resilient and more appreciative of life’s blessings.

Sometimes. You just need to put pen to paper and see it. Believe it. Life’s good. Life’s very, very good.

walking inside, music playing (Josh Groban “Awake”), arms encircled around me.

my face in the crook of his neck, smelling his skin, feeling his warmth.

swaying from side to side, arms wrapped tighter, completely enclosed in his arms and body.

drinking it in, moment by moment, lyric by lyric (“…if I could keep these moments endless…I will remember, remember all the love we shared today…”

he kisses my cheek, arms tighter around me, so warm, so right, this very moment.

he whispers in my ear “I love you babe…”

and I know, I feel it, this moment, like none other, surer than ever.

This is the man I’m meant to be with. The man I’m destined for. The man I’ve searched for during the past two years. He’s here, he loves me, and I love him for all that he is, for all that he still wants to become, for how I feel around him, for how he makes me feel, for how much I want to love him and be with him and share the future with him.

More than I ever thought possible.

…so keep me awake to memorize you…