I woke up this morning and realized how tired I am.
Of struggling and being challenged…
financially…feeling broke gets old. Fast.
emotionally…wanting love, but struggling with why I feel that pull strongly lately.
generally…Nala, most recently, and just being on my own, coping with the day to day, you know the drill.
It’s been almost two full years since I’ve been on my own, and while that doesn’t seem like long for many, for me, it feels like a lifetime. And I’m tired. I don’t want to struggle. I am sick of being tested. I am happy, but in the midst of the troughs of struggles and tests, and for once, it’d be nice to just have an even keel where everything just sort of flows.
I’m having a moment and this is my way of letting it out.
Because I know, at the end of the day, my life is pretty awesome, despite it all, and it could always – ALWAYS – be a hell of a lot worse, but some days I just struggle with the positive and the perspective, no matter how much I remind myself to keep it in mind. To have faith in God and to know that my path is here, that this is what I am supposed to be doing.
But sometimes…I’m just tired. I think I’m allowed that, right?
This brings me to a post from Little Big Wolf’s Daily Plate of Crazy that I tucked away…around the “Fairness Doctrine” and the fact that life isn’t fair…but we deal. Couldn’t have said it better myself – and her words really are helping me today to pull myself together, out of the poor-me funk, because they are dead-on:
Life isn’t fair, and I do not believe in Karmic retribution.
I do believe in learning from mistakes, in caution where it is warranted, and in calculated risks.
I believe in trying, and that in itself is success, even if I do not accomplish my goal.
I believe in gratitude, and taking whatever comes with as much grace as I can muster, and I confess that some days that’s none at all.
I believe in reminding myself on a day like today, when darkness is palpable, that there will be light again. That there is light, and for me, that light will always be my sons. They are healthy and flourishing. With values they can honor.
There is also light in the privilege of having raised my children, my younger son yet to be launched, and still, I am learning to raise the child in myself. None of this has been easy, but it is a life. It is my life. And on an anniversary that casts onerous shadows, this morning there is sunshine.
Wow – those are some amazing words that I really needed to hear today, along with a post from Quarter for Her Thoughts on doing singleness well…based on last night’s somewhat-fun (but somewhat-serious) post on asking the universe to date me, it was a humbling and much-needed read too.
I’m tired, but I am also proud…of making it, of dealing with life’s challenges and carving out a life for myself that in the grand scheme of things, isn’t so bad. I need to capture my sunshine and channel the renewed feelings I had earlier this week post-Maine weekend, because being in a funk isn’t much fun, now is it?
Some words from Joel Osteen…
Whenever you experience trouble, challenges and difficulty — the lemons of life — God’s desire isn’t just to bring you through it or for you to just survive! His purpose is to reward you by making something GREAT out of what seems hopeless or feels painful.
Today, if you’re feeling overwhelmed, Jesus is the rock who is high above your circumstances. When you call on Him, He will be with you. He will lead you and guide you into the higher places He has prepared for you.
Heavenly Father, today I release every care and concern to You. Have Your way in my circumstances. Have Your way in my thoughts. Help me, Jesus, to come up higher in every area of my life with You. In Jesus’ Name. Amen.