…when you know he would do anything to make you happy. when you would do anything to make them happy, and want to do anything to make them happy.

defining the feeling.

…when you take your first run together and “get” what your sister means about running connecting you together in a different way. Sharing something important to you, and being able to talk about things like where you would live if the sky was the limit, or where you want to travel, if money was no object.

defining the feeling.

…when you watch him tenderly care for your sister’s IV needs, and then she requests he do it again on Friday, even though Jess was shown how to do it.

defining the feeling.

…when you see qualities you have always wanted in someone – devotion, dedication, perspective, genuineness.

defining the feeling.

…when you find yourself thinking ahead to holidays and vacations and the future.

defining the feeling.

…when there is no place better than being in their arms, or looking into their eyes and seeing the feeling mimicked in your eyes.

defining the feeling.

…when it’s on the tip of your tongue, you reiterate it in your brain, and it’s in everything that you do.

defining the feeling.

…when you look into their eyes and see home.

what is the feeling? It’s love.

That’s right…when Doctor Boy whispered into my ear as he tends to at least once a night when I see him “I love you” I finally said it back.

And the smile back and hug and kiss was like no other…sheer happiness and joy. From him, and from me. I can’t believe I am actually in love, after the many months and months of wanting to find it, it found me first.

Swoon.

“How would you feel if I told you that I love you?”

…uttered by Doctor Boy on the morning of our “reunion” two and a half weeks in the making.

Wow. Um, wow.

My first split-second thought? “But I didn’t do anything…I’ve just been me!”

Bingo.

He loves me for who I am, every day. Wow, really, how did I stumble upon something so utterly close-to-perfect as this? At what feels like exactly the right moment? Blessed.

My second split-second thought? Smiling, as he said “I thought about holding back, I hope it’s not too soon, but as I thought about it in Aruba, I haven’t held back at all so far, so I figured I would just go for it.” My response was “I’m close…I’m falling…close to the edge of the mountain.”

He smiled and kissed me. He was content with that response. He didn’t expect me to immediately say it back.

Truthfully, I have actually found myself almost uttering those words myself, or thinking about them. But I didn’t want it to be a knee-jerk reaction to him saying it, but I do feel it…I am falling…hard. I find it almost hard to believe…I’m falling in love.

Damn, even writing that and reading it makes it sound so much more real.

This is right. Beyond a shadow of a doubt. Doctor Boy is the one I was meant to meet, and the one I’m meant to be with. At this very moment.

I’m falling…hard.

And it feels amazing.

Those were some of the words Doctor Boy used in the card he sent me within the bouquet of flower (and teddy bear!) he sent me yesterday (timed to my return from wine country, and the day after he left for Aruba).

The rest of that sentence goes something like this: “…a token reminder of my immense feelings for you…I care about you very much.”

Wow. I never thought I’d see or hear those words uttered about me (though always hoped!) and ya know what? I feel exactly the same way about him. It still feels right. All of it. The pace of things (steady progress, not too fast, not too slow). The feelings I have for him. How I feel when I am with him, when I hear his voice or see a picture of him. How much I miss him (going on two weeks since I’ve seen him, with my trip and now his) And how he reacts to me. Upfront. Honest. Very open about how he’s feeling.

This is what I have been waiting for. This feels right. It scares me no longer. Not at all. It is all starting to feel like that next stage I was looking for. I’m entering it. Just as I turn 31. Just as I near my two year separation-versary from Pete.

Swoon.

Like whoa.

~~

In other news…my sister is progressing, starting to improve, though it is indeed going to take a good six weeks or so for more of  a full recovery. She has constant hospital appointments and wound care procedures. But she has proven to me just how strong and faithful she is. I’m blown away by her strength and resilience. As much as she gets knocked down, she gets up even stronger the next. Yes, she’s fragile. Emotionally. Mentally. Physically. But she’s taking one step at a time.

There are some other things at play that I won’t go into detail here, that are adding much more of a mental and emotional test for her and I pray that we can collectively help improve that situation. So for now, I’ll leave it this: thank you all for the continued thoughts and prayers. They mean the world to me, and to her as well.

~~

Also, a quick shout-out to one of my bestest…Kristen (who I’ve blogged about before, as she’s also divorced. We went through it around the same time) – she launched a new blog and it is hysterical! My Life in 15 Minute Increments. Check it out 🙂

So, clearly I didn’t get a chance to blog about this yesterday – but date #5/6/7 with CBE was, well, pretty awesome. And, different. I’ll get to the different part in a sec, but first, a quick recap.

He came over on Friday (I haven’t gone to his place yet, but that’s probably on tap for next weekend), and was running late after a few last minute work things, but when he walked in, I was really glad to see him, and wasn’t as nervous as I’d been the last couple of times when I first saw him (ya know, the first date jitters stick around for a few dates, I guess, for me!). We went to a late dinner at a super cute tavern near my house (I hadn’t tried this place before, so it was a bit of a gamble, I guess, but it was awesome, great food, great ambiance, and a nice corner booth), and the conversation flowed easily, and we had a great time. It was pretty late when we got home, so we watched a bit of tv, and went to bed (and I’m a lady, so you can use your imagination on this part, mmk?).

Saturday. Gorgeous day here in New England. The sun was shining (after over a week of no sun whatsoever!) and we laid around for awhile, talked, cuddled, and I was the recipient of a lovely massage. Blissful. We made breakfast (he makes great eggs, and hey, I made a mean coffee and toast – ha), he had to make a few phone calls, so we hung out for awhile at the house, and then took the dogs for a walk in a nearby park/beach and let me just tell you, feeling warm sun on my face, holding hands with a great guy and watching the dogs race around the park was just awesome.

I drank it in.

We sat on a bench, watched the waves crash into the shore, and talked…about his divorce (what caused it to end – we hadn’t really talked about the why, just that he made the final decision. Their lives grew apart, it was a marriage of convenience….sad how that can happen sometimes, isn’t it? More to the story, but you get the idea), about what we both value in relationships, etc.

We finished the afternoon by hitting a local butcher shop, getting some really good meat to grill up, and had an early afternoon lunch of steak tips, chicken, salad, and hummus. We smiled, we laughed, it was fun and natural. We cuddled on the couch for awhile longer and then he left as I had a hot date with my girls night crew (which, I might add, was a blast, despite being teased endlessly for the glow-y look on my face – what can I say to that, right?! 🙂 ). All in all, it was another really good time.

And it is starting to feel different. More real. More substantial. More worth planning for – in terms of planning to get together, future things we want to do together, and those are things I haven’t felt compelled to do or talk about before. It’s always been one day and date at a time, but now, it feels more…right?

Of course, I’m still taking it a step at a time and not rushing, just following my gut, but so far, with CBE, my gut has been right, and I hope that continues. (And damn, I can soooo get lost in those killer blue eyes. He’s earned that title of CBE, 100%!)

Sorry for the rambling post today, hopefully my words are making sense today 🙂 Happy Sunday!

I don’t know about you, but context is everything. And when you don’t have context, you don’t have the full story, you don’t even have half of the story, you just have one small piece floating out there with nowhere to go. That’s usually why I try to put as much context as I can around my thoughts and perceptions and observations, but if they’re taken out of context regardless, then what is said vs. what is perceived can be quite skewed.

With that vague explanation FOR CONTEXT (lol), it can be frustrating when what I explain about whatever I am feeling or observing, or concluding is taken as fact (when it’s not – it’s my opinion or perception of something) and not for what it is – my ruminations. I guess that’s the risk you run into when you blog – that level of transparency is there for anyone to see, whether you want them to see it or not. And while I tend to limit who I actually tell or show this blog (I don’t post it on any of my Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter pages etc) and don’t reveal my last name, the Internet is easily searchable and I can’t control that.

So, what I can do – and what I will do – is focus my posts, as I usually try to, as much as possible, be as fair as possible in what I am saying and do what I love to do and what I have done since starting this blog in February – share my triumphs, share my anxieties and worries, my feelings and in short, my journey. Because it will continue and I’m looking forward to every post, every comment, and every new visitor I get. So, bring it on!