I debated on making this a private post. Then I debated on closing comments.

And then I decided, fu^k it, here goes. What I want.

I want to feel loved. Deeply. Soul- and heart-thumping love. Love that is unmatched and unrivaled and unbreakable. Love that means it doesn’t matter if I live in a cardboard box, or on the other side of the world, even. Love.

I want.

I want to touch his skin, feel his warmth, his love, his arms wrapped tightly around me, that spark, that passion that only two people deeply in love feel and can capture in an instant. I want to feel wanted. I want to feel needed. I want to feel adored.

I want.

I want to love what I do for a living. That I’m making a difference. That I’m valued. That I value what I’m doing. That I am excited to go to work every day. That I’m doing something different, something I’m passionate about. Something different.

I want.

I want to not be so afraid. To fake it till I make it. To just go for it. Always. In everything I do. To NOT hang back. To NOT let others step ahead of me. To speak my mind. To say dammit, no, that makes me mad, that isn’t fair, you aren’t treating me th way I treat you…

I want.

I want to not be rejected. To be seen for who I am and not for who I’m not. And when I am rejected, I want to shake it off and not let it ruin my day, my mood, my self-confidence that I’ve built up for the past two years. I’m more than that. I’m more than mind games and I’m more than rejection.

I want.

I want more money, thinner legs and 6-pack abs, and hair that looks good every day not just some days. I want laser eye surgery, and for running to be easier for me than it is, and I want to teach Group Kick again because at least it gave me a creative outlet. I want to blog for a living and write a book and go on Ellen. I want these things even if they aren’t realistic, or they are silly. Can’t I just want?

I want a best friend. A companion. A lover. A man. The man I’ve been waiting for. I’m sick of waiting. And I’m sick of hearing that I need to be patient. I just am. I know I shouldn’t, but I am. It’s been too long dammit. I deserve this.

I want this.

~~

I don’t care that some of these things are superfluous, that they’ll come with time, that my dare-to-be-great moment is on the cusp, I still want. And am tired of waiting.

Some days are better than others. Some days I feel awesome, as if nothing can stop me. And other days I feel like a failure. Where rejection stings.

Where I want more, and I want it now.

Today might be one of those days. I know I’ll bounce back, I usually do, but sometimes, just sometimes I just wish I didn’t have something I needed to bounce back *from*.

I want.

Borrowing a theme from one of INRIS‘ recent blog posts, I feel compelled to “blog out” the soundtrack of my life today, an idea that popped into my head driving home after another long – very, very long – day at work. Hopefully this is relatively amusing for some, and maybe you even relate to some of these songs and lyrics, and at the very least, I can express the utter all-over-the-place day(s) of all days (today and yesterday were doozies…) I had.

Starting the day today, I wanted to beg the question “what do you want from me? a la Adam Lambert….specifically, these lyrics:

Just don’t give up I’m workin it out
Please don’t give in, I won’t let you down
It messed me up, need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
Hey, whataya want from me?

Between about 50 million meetings, where I literally had one hour – ONE – that was NOT scheduled with a meeting between 9-6 today…whataya want from me?! How on earth can I possibly get any work done, or even breathe? Seriously? Yeah. That’s me today. Yesterday, pretty much the same, except meetings didn’t end until 7. Yes, 7.

Next up?

“I’m a bitch” – Meredith Brooks…and specifically, this line: I hate the world today…” because truly, I just couldn’t get out of my own way, my own head, my own WORK, and obviously, all of my meetings. So, what happens? I get bitchy. Real bitchy. Yeah me, ms. rainbows and kittens. I get bitchy too. There, I said it.

And as I began “falling to pieces“, and wanting to run away and hide, even though…

They say that things happen for a reason
But no wise word’s gonna stop the bleeding
I’m falling to pieces…

Things started to come to a crescendo in my mind…when I get to the level of stress and overworked-ness that I began feeling, I get that fight or flight panic feeling and what do I want to do? Run away…but I knew I couldn’t, and I know I can’t, and I know that everything is coming to a head, will soon come back down again, and soon things will feel more even-keeled, but right now, I just feel stressed, I feel pulled in 15 directions, and I don’t have that sense of work/life balance that I try so hard for. I know it happens, and it’s usually short-lived, but it’s just been an intense few days and I know it’s probably going to get worse before it gets better.

The light at the end of the tunnel, however, is this..I’m going to be “waking up in Vegas” in just about one week…let’s enjoy these lyrics, shall we?

Don’t be a baby
Remember what you told me
Shut up and put your money where your mouth is
That’s what you get for waking up in Vegas
Get up and shake the glitter off your clothes, now
That’s what you get for waking up in Vegas

Hell yes. Now that‘s what I’m talking about…am I right, Mel and Shannon? I know, I know, the light is there, I can almost touch it, but until then, I am feeling the squeeze, and I just need to hunker down, focus, and get ‘er done. Are you with me? I need all the  “woohoos” I can get right now, so bring it friends, please, I need it!! XO

~~

Okay, there were a few more I totally tried to weave in here, but I couldn’t make them fit, but they are some that I can relate to – in other parts of my life that are not work-related…

such as, Superman Tonight” by Bon Jovi…I want my Superman, and I hope I find him soon (patience, patience!!). It’s one of those days when I just desperately want to come home to someone, snuggle up with a big ole hug and just decompress. I know I’ll capture that, and until then, my kitties will suffice, right?

Who’s going to save you
When the stars fall from your sky
And who’s going to pull you in
When the tide gets too high
Who’s going to hold you
When you turn out the lights
I won’t lie I wish that I
Could be your superman tonight

Who’s going to fix you
The next time you break down
Stranded alone by the side of the road
It’s your baggage that’s dragging you down
Don’t look back
Let it go

And finally, probably most surprisingly, the lyrics I can completely relate to right now, in part, is from Eminem, yes, Eminem. I’m really digging his new stuff, and love some of what he says in “Not Afraid.”

I’m not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We’ll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you’re not alone

I know, I’m not alone, and I’m not afraid to stand up and go after what I want…so yeah, I can relate to this. And some of all of these lyrics – the soundtrack to my life today – makes me see that light at the end of the tunnel, in all aspects of life – in the next week (VEGAS!), longer-term (love…) and overall (happiness, work/life balance).

Yea, I’m going to be okay.

Disclaimer – I promise this post isn’t a complaint-laden one, but I just have a couple of frustrations brewing and what better way to get them out than on my very own blog, right? So, bear with me, mmk? 😉

Frustration #1 – Group Kick.

Sigh.

So, you know that just about-the-hardest-thing-I’ve-ever-done thing – that Group Kick assessment thing? Well, there’s a chance I may have to redo it.

Um yeah, not so happy about that.

“Kimmie” my fitness director finally got around to watching my assessment video (oh, only two weeks after I taped, but I digress) and I finally got some 1:1 time with her last night after practice to get her feedback. She feels that I need to tighten up some of my moves a bit (but, in my opinion, while that’s valid, I feel the areas that I need to work on are problem areas we are all still working on), and make them more powerful. Okay, fair enough.

But.

When I asked – “do you think I will pass if I mail this video in?”

Her answer? Yes, probably.

So, why go through the torture of re-taping when I can mail that one in, and in the meantime, work like hell to improve my form issues and make my moves more powerful?

Therein lies the frustration.

While I may fight her on that a bit harder than I did last night, because I just want to get past the assessment, hopefully pass (if I fail, I retape, and by then, a few weeks from now, my thinking is that my form will have improved, so why not take the chance, right?!). So, this Group Kick journey continues and while I am mostly enjoying it all, it’s moments like this that get me so frustrated because I am working really hard and see the improvements, but on the other hand, I am frustrated with myself because I know exactly what she’s talking about regarding my power and how it wanes as the class progresses. It’s because I have always done a ton of home DVDs and not a lot of classes, so it’s so easy to just get stuck in a trance, almost, going through the motions and not pushing it as far as you could. That habit – way, way, way harder to break than it sounds.

So, I’m back at it, I’m going to kick it into high gear (no pun intended) and hopefully, hopefully, prove to her that I can do it, that I am not just good – but great.

Frustration #2

Dating. Bet you saw that one coming from a mile away, huh?!

No, it’s not my most recent foray into chemistry.com (way too premature for that!), it’s just the lack of true “success” at it – why does it seem so difficult for me – a not-terribly-bad-looking (my lame attempt at saying I’m not bad looking, without sounding like a complete ego-maniac because clearly, I am so not, and so don’t think I’m the best thing since sliced bread in the looks department – I’m ‘aight – heh.) – 30 year old, that is fun, active, happy and funny – to attract what I’d call the “right” guys – those with the qualities that I’m looking for? And, not on chemistry.com, since that’s basically out of my control, since the matches are sent to me (still something that’s hard to get used to, I must admit), but generally.

Where are the guys? Seriously, where are they?

If they’re at the gym, they don’t tend to approach (and okay, I am a wuss in that department too, probably a big part of my problem – SinglieGirlie is my idol! Heh.). If they’re at the restaurants and bars I am at, they don’t tend to approach (again, same problem, my fault there too. Catch-22 in a way). And, heck, they’re not even at the grocery store 😉

Anyway, that’s just more of a general rant, because I just wonder how the heck people meet each other these days, if not through a friend (come on friends – pony up! ha), family, or when out on the town?

Online, I suppose.

So, I’m sticking that part out, for now, and in the meantime, keeping my eyes peeled for potentials at the aforementioned places above, and maybe I’ll grow some one of these days and approach. Maybe that should be on my to-be-determined bucket list (ha).

I could have lived the happy/glow-y high of this weekend today, but I got stuck in the “I wish” – itis syndrome of a dreary, wet (uh, to the tune of well over 8 inches of rain!!) frustrating work day. What did I wish? Well, it all sort of got mashed up in between a range of things throughout the day (and disclaimer – a large part of this is PMS-related and not only because I went from way up high giddiness to dreary Monday-ness!), but here’s a sampling of what went through my brain today…

I wish…

it was the weekend

it was summer

that I was better at squashing my inner “shy

Kick wasn’t frustrating me (and I magically am perfect at it!)

that I loved my job.

that I had a tan.

that I had an endless clothing budget (helloooo retail therapy – where ARE YOU?!)

that I could go on a tropical vacation (in addition to my mini-getaway to see BDF!)

that I didn’t overthink. Everthing. Yes, even CBE (not that THAT Is a surprise!)

that I could easily shake off frustration.

that it was easier to NOT slide into “can’t wait-itis”

that I had more money (see tropical vacation and endless clothing budget “wishes” above!)

that I could more easily shake off routine (and just go with the flow)

that I could be less uptight.

that I had perfect vision (okay, random “wish” but yes – itchy, dry, irritated eyes at the end of the day is never any fun)

I could go on and on, but that would just be boring for ya’ll, no? And, to be honest, the more wishes I write, the more I feel silly even writing them…because life is GREAT, it’s not nearly as bad as a running laundry list of “wishes” – some of which will come true, and some of which I’ll continue to work on. In the grand scheme of it all, these are more aspirations than needs or hardships – by any stretch – and I’m grateful for the life I’ve built for myself, and it’s just that sometimes my overachiever/overthinking ways get the best of me.

And wow, after writing all of those out, I feel better. Monday’s almost over, and it was capped with a fabulous pedicure with my sister, AND, reading about a Sunshine award from one of my favorites – Random Musings of the Wild Mind – thank you, you are touching and wonderful and I am so thankful for you and all of my blog family. You’re the best.

To the Monday of wish-itis – you’re almost gone – can I get an “arm pump” to that?!

~~

On a side note – just realized that today is a month since my first date with CBE – it feels so much longer – weird how that happens, isn’t it?

When frustrated.

As often as I gab on about having perspective about life, happiness, and this journey post-divorce, sometimes I’m just as surprised at how easy it is to LOSE perspective when frustrated, angry or sad.

Today was one of those moments.

I’ve been waiting with baited breathe for my tax accountant to crunch the numbers for our taxes, hoping (but trying not to get my expectations too high!) to get a return, so I can perhaps go on a quickie tropical vacation. With the short sale, divorce, and only a partial year paying interest (and payments, for that matter) on the house, I knew it’d be trickier than normal (since I usually do it myself with TurboTax).

Well, the initial results are in.

…and we owe.

*at least* $1,200!

Insert sigh here and a slew of expletives when Pete called to share the news.

I was so angry, since it just feels the house and short sale is still not yet behind me (or us), because it keeps biting me in the ass when I think I’m finally in the clear (and that makes me frustrated to be stupid enough to think that maybe it wasn’t yet behind me!), and it’s the one last piece of the “life that was” that I just want to finally leave behind.

(and for the record, I may have also sugggested, half in jest, that Pete pay the taxes since he decided to divorce me. That was met with dead silence and the verge of “huh, wha?!” on his part, till he realized I was 99% joking, though I would love to *make* him pay for it just because!)

So, I felt deflated, annoyed, and mad that I wasn’t getting a return that I shouldn’t have even considered a possibility in the first place.

Why was I annoyed? Because I wasn’t getting money back?

I should be grateful that I have my half of the money to pay for it.

And I am.

But I wasn’t seeing that during that moment of frustration (which I ‘spose is a normal reaction, really).

And in speaking with a couple of friends and my mom – I should actually realize I’m lucky we didn’t owe more. And for that much of a loss on the house, and for only a partial year paying interest on the house, paying a shortfall of 600 bucks or so really isn’t so bad.

It just means that instead of a tropical vacation in Mexico, or the Bahamas or Bermuda, I’ll pare that back to take a quick jaunt to visit my BDF in sunny (and MUCH warmer) Florida. Not so shabby, right?!

So, in the grand scheme of things, perspective re-gained, and gratitude realized.

And not always in a bad way 😉

I’ve been *extremely* frustrated with Group Kick over the past week or so, as our fitness director (let’s call her Kimmy) has been pretty MIA and as my sister recapped in a blog post, last Saturday’s class was supremely frustrating as our director pretty much pointed out our mistakes as we were teaching (bad form, IMHO!), and never actually gave us feedback afterwards.

And, in all honestly, it was frustrating because we both feel we know what we are doing, our form is good, and we’re just fine-tuning some pre-cuing and such.

…and then we practiced this morning with a few of the other instructors, and man, what a reality check that was!

The things Kimmy pointed out – “wingy” hooks, weak kicks, etc. – uhh, were dead on.

It was as if before that, anytime Kimmy gave us feedback, I reverted back to sitting in high school, where the teacher is staring at you, giving you constructive criticism, and you look at them and think, “who, me?!” – when uh, it IS you they are talking about.

So, the reality check of that was a huge eye-opener and felt like a bit of a bitch-slap because I am not fond of admitting when I am wrong, but in this case, I am wrong. My form does need work. I need to let go of the frustration and just work on fine-tuning those areas that I thought were good, and make them good, make them better than good, and make them great.

Because, as my sister always says – “we got this!”

I just need to remember that, and know that while reality can be a bitch sometimes, sometimes we need that to actually change, to improve, and grow.

This is me – admitting I am wrong, and looking forward to improving, and totally kicking ass for our video assessment that is looming in just a few more weeks (or a month, max!).

Hey, if I can get through divorce, I can get through Kick, right?! 🙂

It’s been a day chock full of Group Kick, Group Kick, and more Group Kick and I had some VERY frustrating moments…to the point where the self-doubt, lack of confidence and downright panic set in. It was a range of emotions I haven’t quite felt in some time (thankfully!!) and I couldn’t shake it and realize that I’ve only been doing this for TWO weeks – TWO! – and it will start coming together. I’m not a patient person by nature, and our instructor for training, Natalie, said right upfront – we won’t be good at not being good at this – and she’s so right, I was SO not having it today!

Why the panic, fear and frustration, you say?

Well, today was our very first team practice, including three other instructors that are learning this release with us. Only difference – and it’s a big one – they already teach other classes! So, my sister and I practiced all morning, I practiced some more this afternoon and then headed to practice at 2.

And ya know what?

At first, it SUCKED. I was intimidated. I was nervous. I was even a little scared.

But as we started going through our tracks (and getting our asses kicked, basically, by our fitness director), I started feeling a little better, a little more on level ground with the others, and realizing that yes, this will take time, and yes, it will suck at times, but YES, I can do this.

As my sister aptly pointed out  (and I’m sure she’ll blog about it too!) – I’ve gone through a LOT worse in the last year…this should be cake, in comparison. And she’s right. As much as I didn’t want to admit she was right, she is. I’ll get through this – as my next challenge – I am DETERMINED to get through this. I need to walk the walk, instead of talking the talk, in this case, and channel my inner strength and confidence.

And yes, if you haven’t guessed it yet, this blog post is a pep talk to myself. Get used to it, there may be more of these in the future 🙂