First, I must say, if this long weekend were a man, I think I might just marry him…or maybe just date him, not sure I’m quite ready for that level of commitment ;-P It’s absolutely gorgeous, I’ve spent the last two days enjoying time with friends, the beach, and some wine (of course) and there’s still one more day left in the weekend, what’s not to like, right?
Yet, when I woke up this morning, I felt a rush of lonliness mixed with a little sadness.
Well, a mix of things, I think, one of which is totally PMS-driven (ah, those hormones love to swing my moods to and fro!)
The other thing? I miss my house and my pool/yard more than ever. Let me rephrase that…I miss having A house and pool and yard, not necessarily my past house, given it was ridden with memories and the past, something I am still glad to have walked away from. It put me into a bit of a funk, but I worked out, let my mind drift, and felt a little bit better afterwards, but it’s still nagging in the back of my mind. What do I really miss? I don’t necessarily miss what I had, but I do miss the stability, groundedness, happiness, and couple-ness of having a marriage. Maybe I didn’t appreciate what I had (when it was good) as much as I should have, or maybe I’m just looking at it now too idealistically, but what it does point to is this…
I miss being in a relationship.
Plain and simple.
I know that’s not a huge revelation for anyone, because to you, it may seen I’ve been itching for that since I started dating almost a year ago (damn, time flies…). But truly, I haven’t missed that all too much, I’ve enjoyed being on my own, enjoyed dating, even through the ups and downs, but a big part of me now just misses being in a relationship, being in love, and the stability and happiness that comes with it.
And maybe part of missing being in a relationship is the start of summer (unofficially) this weekend. While I think there are many, many fun reasons to be single in the summer, I also think being in a relationship in the summer is a lot of fun too.
Maybe it’s the third-wheel factor in the summer…it just feels more pronounced for me. Friday night, for example, I was having drinks with some of my Group Kick friends, and I looked around and realized I was the only single in the group, and not only the only single, but the only unmarried too. Double whammy, a little bit. (And, I was secretly hoping ‘pretty boy’ would be there, a playful name referring to a friend of ours that has hung out at this particular bar recently. We went to college together, and our internships, and well, I kinda think he’s cute. Was sort of hoping for a run-in, but no dice).
I go back and forth with this is-summer-better-single-or-not thing in my head quite a bit, at least lately, and I don’t really think there’s an answer to it, because, like I said, there’s plenty of “pros” for both, I just think for me, it points to wanting what I don’t have right now.
And when I was explaining this (in part) to my sister, she said “I just want you to be happy.” And I responded, “but I AM happy.” Because I am, truly. Life is great, I’m in a good spot emotionally and mentally. It’s summer. I have lots of fun things planned in coming weeks and months. It’s just that tiny nagging at me, the alone-factor, that nags ever so slightly more now and again, and right now, it’s nagging.
I know my time will come. I know you all will reiterate that. Or say that I should stop looking. Or stop wanting. Or just to enjoy what I have now. And I am – sorta kinda, all of these things.
I’m not really looking. Sure, I’m on chemistry and OKC, but I’m not really actively looking through them too seriously. Yet, I may have a date coming up…more on that later (It’s the not looking, I swear). I may have a couple of potential “organic” dates brewing. Maybe. That’d be a first, and I’d welcome it. Again, more on that later (c’mon, this post is getting ridiculously long!).
So for now, writing this all out…I guess I’m still okay being on my own. It’s just the time of year where it’d be nice to at least have someone around, at the beach, or at cookouts, or whatever it may be, to have by my side. It’ll come. I know it will, and for now, I’ll enjoy the social butterfly-ness that I’m trying to cultivate as much as possible.