I’m learning a lot from my relationship with Doctor Boy.

Like being honest is key.

Like allowing for a little “room” in my routine.

…but also making sure I don’t get lost in un-routine either.

Yesterday morning, we woke up and I was hell-bent on getting my workout done (and not sleeping in *too* much, as I knew I had a lot to get done at home, like errands, and cleaning and my “usual” Saturday routine that calms me. Yes, cleaning and errands calm me and organize me! It’s part of my type A- nature!) and then going home to get started on said routine.

Doctor Boy asked me to stay for breakfast. And knowing that I had a lot to get done, I thanked him, but opted to go home to get things done.

When I left, I immediately felt a little selfish and too rigid in my “routine” (even though, for the record, I tossed said routine out the window the weekend prior because I had a busy weekend and sometimes it just doesn’t get done, even for me). And I texted him and told him that I felt badly for leaving without breakfast with him first, but that sometimes I just need to get to my routine.

And he said that it’s one thing he’s tried to do…de-routine sometimes.

Which made me feel worse.

But then he proceeded to tell me “not to change a thing” because it’s what makes me “me” and he loves for who I am (even with my sometimes-rigid routine).

So, I’m learning.

To be honest and stick to what I want to do, even if it isn’t always compromise. (because as much as I am all for compromise and meeting in the middle, I also think there is value with sticking to what you want, even if it’s as ‘small’ as simpling going home sans breakfast)

But also that as much as I have my own routine, I also have someone else in my ‘routine’ with me and I need (and want) to allow for that too. I’m still adjusting to maintaining balance and the in-between, and it takes a level of deliberance (is that a word), that I often think about. As natural and as much as I want to spend every waking minute with Doctor Boy, I also still completely enjoy my ‘me’ time (which includes my routine) and I think that’s okay.

I think it’s important to maintain that sense of self and individuality in a relationship. At least it is for me.

And the fact that Doctor Boy loves that about me means a lot. He respects it, and I respect his similar need to spend time with his friends and family too.

It feels as though the making for something special, long term, is really and truly there. I’ve felt it for awhile now, but I’m more sure than ever now. I learn every day, I learn.

Two people that can’t make a decision.

😉

Look! It’s the first thing I’ve identified that is something that I know Doctor Boy and I will have to work on together. Simply put, we are both 100% Libras through and through that we love compromise *almost* as much as we love each other, and I think that could eventually be something that could be problematic.

And I don’t say that in the sense that it’ll be some huge make-or-break, but just that it could be something we will have to work through, so we both are happy, but not bending so much to the other for the sake of compromise.

A small example of that happened today.

He asked if I would be free to meet his parents for lunch tomorrow (we are going to a wine event tomorrow night in Boston with some friends and my sister, a detail worth noting for this story, and hey, it’s going to be a blast!). And knowing that the drive to where lunch is and getting back in time to get ready for the evening, I was stressing about trying to jam it all in.

So he said I didn’t have to, there would be another time.

But then I asked him but what do YOU want me to do?

And he said, “whatever works is fine, either tomorrow or during Thanksgiving. I don’t want you to be stressed about getting back in time for the evening.”

Now, we went back and forth like this all afternoon. “I’ll try to make it work, I want to meet your parents, and I know you would do it for me.”

Sort of like that question of “what do you want to do?” “I dunno, what do you want to do?” that never ending cycle of niceties. (and despite my feeling selfish for even considering *not* meeting his parents tomorrow, he still told me how much it means to him that I even want to, and that I am trying to make it work regardless. Swoon.)

It was a pretty humorous afternoon of back and forth, to the point of, “really, are we really overcomplicating this that much?” and we settled on a plan that works to fit it all in. But it struck me – it’s something that will probably come up in the future, and as I learned in my (former) marriage, I never want to “not fight” if that means resolution and communication.  And what I mean by that is – healthy fighting (arguing) is just that – healthy. And when you never fight, issues grow, and deepen and become so massive that it becomes counter-productive and damaging.

I feel good realizing this now, and learning that sometimes our best qualities…compromise, willingness, balance, can sometimes be inadvertently negative.

(and part of me wonders if my initial hesitation to jam everything into one day for the sake of meeting his parents has something to do with my past rocky relationship with my ex in-laws…a post for another time, something I will ruminate on…).

Regardless, I’m looking forward to yet another weekend of friends, family and Doctor Boy and I hope you all have a great weekend (and consider my post yesterday as my ‘Quote Friday’ – tonight’s post was too timely to put off!).

That’s all it took for me to realize that OK Cupid boy #2 (and overall, boy #11 or 12, I believe??) was not what I had expected. At all.

He walks in and he didn’t look quite like his picture, and I knew almost instantly that it probably wasn’t going to go beyond this particular date (now I know why sometimes it’s worth suggesting coffee or “a” drink and not dinner for a first date! Live and learn – ha), but, I was obviously going to give it a chance, and see what happened.

Maybe the conversation would flow nicely, and we’d find more in common.

Nope.

Conversation relatively awkward, kept up only by my rambling on about random stories.

Maybe he would be really funny and that would stir up some attraction.

Nope.

But, he did laugh at my jokes…but my jokes are usually lame, so I’m not sure he gains anything there (in fact, maybe he loses points :-P).

Maybe over the course of the night, he’ll “grow on me” and a second date might be worthwhile.

Nope.

Just stayed relatively awkward (for me, anyway, not sure for him, he seemed to be enjoying himself!).

So, those were the highlights (lowlights?) of the date – oh, and he even gave me RED ROSES after our date – which was a huge surprise (and made me feel a little bad that I knew it wouldn’t go beyond this date) and personally, I think that was a little over the top, no? Red roses? Those signal love…and this was a first date, let’s be honest (though, to his credit, very sweet, and I was touched by that).

He texted me when I got home – twice – I responded once, and I know I need to just be upfront with him today, because he is truly a nice guy, just isn’t the guy for me.

But, as always, I have learned a few things from this dating experience (which makes these all worthwhile, right?!):

  • Just becuase you have things in common doesn’t mean there will be a connection (it felt more like we were in the “Friend Zone” personally)
  • If you aren’t sure, don’t go for full-on dinner, just a drink or coffee (but in this case, I thought there was some potential there, so I guess that’s a hindsight thing)
  • Maybe dating someone my age – 30 – is still not quite a fit for me maturity-wise. Not that I need to go to the other end of the spectrum – 41 (aka CBE) – but a few years older seems to jive well with my own maturity level, I’m thinking (and, this makes me think of chemistry.com boy #2, who is 38…more on that in a later post!).

So, onward we go, back at it, and as I always tend to say – we’ll see what happens next!

Following on last night’s post in my three-parter on “re-learning” in a relationship (which, by the way, I’ve gotten some great feedback and comments on – thank you!) – is my final post on this (for now, maybe more later!) – “re-learning” figuring each other out.

How do you figure each other out?

I mean, I know this also comes in time, and the ins and outs, the moods, the “tics,” the peeves, even…but initially, how do you feel out the moods and figure out what they say vs. what they mean?

I guess this is more of a frustration to me, because I just want to know it all, I want to be able to understand how he (the proverbial “he” – not necessarily CBE, though, him too, of course!) works, what he likes, what he thinks, how he operates, as compared to my own characteristics in these areas – see how they mesh, and even, how they don’t and how we complement each other etc.

But that goes back to – it takes time – and it doesn’t happen overnight, which I get, but that doesn’t mean I don’t think about it and wish it were easier (almost goes back to having “rules” for dating…though if there were rules, dating would be much too rigid, right?!).

So, when did you “figure each other out?” How long did it take? Love to hear your thoughts on this topic as well!

The last time I traveled alone was about two weeks before “the situation” began, and it was a business trip I took to Dallas. My first trip taking a plane by myself (believe it or not!), first time hailing a cab, finding my hotel, making my way to the conference I had to go to, first time staying in a hotel by myself. I look back on that time and remember being absolutely petrified, scared out of my mind, hating that I didn’t know where I was going and didn’t have Pete to be the “assertive one” to get us around. Looking back also on saying goodbye to Pete at the airport, I was a wreck, sad, scared, not wanting to leave, and he wasn’t too emotional (he would usually be just as sad as me), and I just thought he was being supportive and trying to give me confidence. Of course, it was probably because of all the doubts in his mind about what he was (or was not!) feeling about our marriage.

Looking at where I am now, while this is the first trip I’ve traveled alone (basically. my boss is coming, but not on the way home), I am not NEARLY as petrified (partially because I’ve traveled quite a bit on my own, with friends and family, but not with a significant other), I have basically looked forward to the trip (except for lack of sleep!), and I don’t have that sense of dread I used to. It feels like a huge leap for me, and I’m so glad I’ve grown so much across the board since this all began. I haven’t really had an “a-ha” moment lately on the post-divorce journey (perhaps a good thing – a sign of solid moving on-ness!), but this one feels pretty awesome (and, to be honest, looking back, Pete wasn’t really that assertive, he just appeared to be, since I had not an assertive bone in my body! He’s middle of the road, in that regard, I think, which is fine, but I saw it so differently then).

Funny how yet again – perception is NOT reality. I’m stronger than I thought, just didn’t give myself the opportunity to prove it.

Funny, when this movie came out in 2003, I didn’t watch it or even think much about seeing it on DVD…but I came across it today with some of my favorites (it was a lovely girlie afternoon, I must say!) and got drawn in! If you haven’t seen it, you can read about it here, but it’s basically about a recently divorced woman who buys a Tuscan villa and finds herself (first of all, who wouldn’t want to buy a Tuscan villa on a whim! Oh so fun). It wasn’t overly cheesy or played out or too stereotypical regarding the recently divorced woman, which was good, but what got me was the ending. It wasn’t all about how she finds a man and lives happily ever after…it was about her touching others’ lives and rejoicing in their good fortunes. I liked the twist (and sure, she did meet someone during the last 5 minutes that perhaps she falls for…though maybe that’s for a sequal!) and it made it more real.

I can relate to that, because for me, it isn’t ONLY about finding love again…it’s about taking what I am learning about myself and applying it, not only for me, but for those around me that maybe could use a little perspective. So I hope I can do that for others – either in this situation, or in a situation that tries them emotionally, because I think what I am going through can apply to anyone – the learnings and the realization that life does go on, and we should embrace it as much as possible, not dwell on sadness and angst. Cheers to that!

Happy Friday all! I found a great quote today on my favorite Cathe.com forums (for those of you who don’t know, Cathe Friedrich is the BEST workout instructor on the planet – no lie! She’s fabulous!), and thought it would be perfect for quote Friday:

“Life’s what you make it: Celebrate it, Anticipate it. Yesterday’s faded. Nothing can change it.”

I would LOVE a framed picture of this saying, it’s so great. Life IS what you make of it – you choose to be happy, or mad, or sad, or angry, you choose to make your life fulfilled or notsomuch, there is no sense in dwelling on the past, just learning from it, because nothing WILL change the past.

This is probably one of the most important things that I have learned so far in this journey – you need to set your mind to get through the rough times, don’t let it drag you down, LEARN from it, and make the most out of life, because we only get one chance at living. I would hate to look back and regret anything in my life and though there are days where I hate my job or hate my situation or hate my mortgage company and am just downright angry, the difference is in not letting it lead your life into misery. It’s something I can now see in others – when they are falling into that trap and just walk around all day miserable, as if there is nothing worse than their life. You know what? There is – and we ought to all be thankful for what we have.

As my Nonna would have said – “there are two important things in life – peace and health.”  Honestly, it couldn’t be more simple or true than that.