Before my college roommate’s wedding yesterday, I had a meltdown.
Sort of came from left field but turned into a crying, screaming argument with my sister Jess. It wasn’t her fault. It was mine. She was trying to help, but the more she tried, the more upset I got. I almost didn’t even go to the wedding.
It started with hating what I decided to wear to the wedding (even though in actuality, it was a really cute dress) and that spiraled into self-doubt, lack of confidence and near-panic over going to the wedding.
Because I was going alone.
And it bothered me a lot more than I thought it would, even though people go to weddings alone all the time. I just haven’t gone to a wedding by myself, single since before my marriage, and even then, I don’t think I ever was single at a wedding in my life. Ever. Part of me was upset that I am still single (when I got the invitation from my friend Jess, to her wedding, I secretly thought that perhaps I’d have a boyfriend, or at least be dating someone by the time of her wedding. No such luck, clearly.). Part of me was upset over being upset about being single (follow that?). Part of me was upset that I was tearing myself apart for no good reason. I’m not fat, I’m not ugly, I’m better than those words and those things.
So why the meltdown?
I guess I still hold in a lot of feelings that I don’t document here, that I don’t talk about to either of my sisters or any of my friends. And that builds up into meltdowns such as the one I had yesterday. And I need to take my own advice, and just realize that I am worth it and my time will come.
…and then I read Tina‘s latest “30 days of self-love” series and fell to tears again. Why? Because she’s so right. Her post today was focused on “self-love from others” and it’s what I need to really take to heart right now because before anyone else can love me, I need to love me for me, 100%. And when I take her advice:
See yourself through the eyes of those that love you. See the joy you bring them. Open your eyes. View yourself in a different light. We all too often act as our own worst enemy and judge ourselves more harshly than anyone else. Instead, realize you are loved, cherished, wanted, and needed. Love yourself like others love you. Remember. They do. Don’t fight it.
And when I do that, I realize that I am loved by family and friends because I am worth it and well, I am already loved just the way I am. And I just need to channel that more than I have been lately, and not nit-pick the latest trouble spot, bad hair day, fat day, or whatever it may be because not only is it just “surface” things, it’s not healthy. Easier said than done, I know that firsthand, but I don’t want any more meltdowns.
As for my friend Jess’s wedding? Well, it was beautiful, absolutely wonderful. As I am not one for traditional cookie-cutter weddings, I loved all of the special touches they chose for their wedding…
“At Last” as their processional song, sung by a friend with a gorgeous voice, and “Feelin Good” for the recessional.
…wine glasses with “eat, drink and be merry” with their wedding date as favors.
…a really sweet Charleston dance for the father/daughter dance (they’d be “rehearsing” for weeks!)
…an intimate setting, frills, but not too many, and I dunno, it just screamed “Jess & Andrew” and I loved that.
As for memorable moments, there were a few…
…a few cute guys sidling up to our table during the cocktail reception (high cocktail tables, with apps and drinks, looked a little Sex & The City and I loved that too!) and chatting us up.
…rumor had it that one of said cute boys wanted to ask me to dance…but never did. He appeared to have chickened out.Fail. (truthfully, the other cute guy caught my eye more, but heck, I was just excited that boys wanted to dance with me, hehe)
…dancing with another guy, one of the ushers, and having a good convo about his new digs in Austin, TX.
…overall, just enjoying spending the evening with one of the best chicks I know, and then heading up to the lake to stay there for the night. Quiet, dark, and lake lapping at the shore.