Well, this is it.

My very last post for To Be Determined.

After today, I am going to dedicate my time to my “evolved” blog and though I am looking forward to it, I am nostalgic as I wish I could take this “home” with me to my new home. But for now, I will just visit it every so often, look back at the almost-three years worth of blog posts on my life and what I’ve accomplished.

It almost brings tears to my eyes to think back at where I began to where I am now. I never want to let her go…that scared, fragile, heart-broken, weak, sad and sometimes angry person I was…because I learned so much from her, and how I could turn those negative characteristics and emotions into strength, resilience, perserverence, happiness, and a (usually) abounding sense of perspective.

I’m proud of her ,and who she’s become. And while I am letting her go in favor of the me I am now, she has shaped me into who I am today. I’m damn proud. I don’t care if this post sounds a bit indulgent…I know it probably does, but after getting through the difficulties of divorce and all of the baggage that comes with it (poor finances, loss of a house, lack of confidence, sadness and loss), I’m not her anymore.

I’m me…renewed.

And I thank you all for joining me in my journey and allowing me to share in yours. Cheers, friends.

“There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind. But keep in mind that letting go isn’t the end of the world, it’s the beginning of a new life.”


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Now that things have started to calm down…my divorce is official, my home is sold, I’ve moved into my new place, turned 30 amid lots and lots of fun fanfare and an amazing trip of a lifetime to wine country (with one more party on Saturday – told ya it was a birth MONTH!), where do I go from here? I’ve felt that divorce has underscored every thing I do (in part because of necessity, of course) but now that I’m coming upon a year from when it all started (and, coincidentally, our would-be three year wedding anniversary and trip to Kauai), does divorce define me anymore? Or is it just part of who I am, quietly sitting and fading into the background?

I was reminded today that divorce has tinged everything that I do…or at least their perception of who I am and what I’ve gone through, and at first, I felt very offended, as though it appeared as I was using the “divorce card” to show that I’m going through a lot and nothing can compare in life to something like that. While the latter is true – nothing CAN compare to that, I would never want to be perceived as being “woe is me” or trying to “one up” what anyone else is going through in their lives, because often, what they are gong through COULD be something incomparable in terms of personal strive or struggles. And, I don’t think I really have pulled the “d” card, but I also think there is fairness in saying that it has defined me this year and at times, been written all over my face. I hope that “writing” fades and is replaced with the happiness, perserverence and happiness that I now feel.

Sure, there are times when I’m going to feel like I’m in left field amid a gaggle of couples and marrieds, but that’s nothing different than what my single friends face on a daily basis anyway. The only difference – I’m divorced, their not. There will be times when I’ll feel lonely or wonder how I got to this point (when thinking back to pre-situation days) and why this happened and where God is taking me from here. But, that’s still no different than anyone else that is single, or that has gone through losses of their own. So, I’m hoping as I enter the second year of singledom post-divorce, divorce no longer defines me, but I define  IT. And what I mean by that is drawing from what I’ve learned from this experience and letting THAT underscore who I am – strength, perserverence, happiness, perception and undying hope for what the future holds.

I’m no longer just “divorced,” but “destined” – I like the ring to that much more than divorced. Don’t you?