Today was one of “those” days – where I was my own worst enemy, dragging myself down, whining (or whambulance-ing as I call it) about how frustrating the refinancing process is becoming, how work is just becoming more and more of a pressure-cooker with little hope of much of a recovery in the short term (thanks economy…for the pay cut, pay freeze, etc etc!), when I read my horoscope (which, again, I don’t really put a lot of weight behind, but this one was good!):

“If the big picture is getting you down, narrow your focus a bit and try to enjoy the smaller aspects of life. it’s good to remember what you’re truly thankful for in life and spread the word.”

whambulanceSo, yeah, the big picture was getting me down and I was feeling like a huge weight bearing down on me, so this was a inspirational smack upside the head I needed to refocus my perspective and take it one day at a time. And, big picture-wise, I still do have a lot to be thankful for, despite it all. I’m thankful for the best family I could have ever asked, the most supportive, loving sisters in the world, a tight circle of really special friends that I’d do anything for, a JOB (period! In this economy, that is), a HOME, two loving kitties, and confidence that things will get better. So there’s my pep talk to myself today…and maybe (I hope!) I inspired you to alter your perspective on anything that’s getting you down. Sometimes, it really is the little things that matter most.

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meerkat-suricatasuricattaOkay, not really, but it got you to keep reading, right?? Read a great blog today from Snarbutt Divorced about being cautious relationships and the doubts and gut reactions that go along with the first forays into relationships after divorce. An excerpt:

Besides the fact that I love meerkats, this is an easy image to keep in mind: Be a meerkat! Keep your head up and look out for danger…I believe in doubt. Doubt is the opposite of dogma, and it keeps me focused and rational. It’s only when I’m sure and confident about something that I get burned. On the other hand, if I’m worried about something, I take it seriously. I’m sure there needs to be some balance between confidence and worry, but I do see the value of worry– of keeping my head up and my eyes open.

While I haven’t yet made the foray into dating by any stretch, reading about others’ experiences is interesting and helpful and gets me thinking…for one, I don’t even remember what that “new relationship” feeling is like (complete with the second-guessing, doubts, worries, flutters of excitement etc), since it’s been almost a decade (a scarily long time for a 29 year old, if you ask me!), and second, I’m obviously a lot older, (hopefully) wiser, and know myself a heck of a lot better than I did at 19 or 20. So, this shall be a huge experiment in itself when I get to the dating stage (*daydreaming about CSB*) and I couldn’t help but comment on Snark’s post, because the meerkat analogy was too fantastic to pass up, and in many ways, so true!

and things with Pete are feeling refreshingly normal.

I’ve written about this before, but as time goes on, I almost expected things to go back into an awkward phase as our lives continue to separate and be our own and not “shared” but that’s not really the case. We continue to talk a few times a week, sometimes daily (some of it just due to going through the divorce process and talking about options – house, etc) and get together for dinner on Sunday and Monday, and it’s just very friendly and normal. And, unlike a few months ago, at this point, I don’t know that it will be upsetting to me once Pete starts dating again. Now, I have no idea when that will be, or who will be dating first – me or him – but as of right now, I’m feeling in a good place with my relationship with Pete and don’t think it will bother me. I’m actually kinda curious what this chick will be like – in all girly semi-cattiness and all 😉

The one sticking point I still have, though, is just wishing things could be “normal” with my family and Pete. I know that sounds SO weird, but one of my sisters in particular, and my brother-in-law, were SUPER close and I just wish we could all share a friendship of some kind. Maybe someday, and for now, I respect the decision of both parties, because they’ve both been very supportive and NOT negative or bashing. In fact, my family overall has not really bashed Pete at all, something I truly appreciate (especially since Pete’s family is a WHOLE different story – jerks – lol – that’s for another post for another day!!).

Okay, I’m rambling, but these are my thoughts tonight on how things are progressing with Pete. I couldn’t really ask for it to be more amicable right now. Feeling content.

Reflecting on these past few months, I remember one of the first thoughts I had when I realized that our relationship was heading for divorce. I didn’t want to feel labeled as just another statistic, another failed marriage, something I never thought I’d have to cope with. I felt like a castoff, unwanted, unneeded, worthless. At times, I still feel apprehensive about being labeled and wondering what people think of me, if they are judging, if they wonder what happened, if it was my fault, that I’m a failure.

But when I start going down that negative path, I realize that I’m better than that, stronger than that and AM worth something, to someone special, somewhere down the road…I know God has a path for me, and it may take awhile to find someone special, but I’m okay with that. I’m taking it one day at a time, and when I start worrying about labels, or what others think of me, or how a future partner will “react” to the fact that I’ll be divorced, I think about all the good things in my life, and all that I KNOW I have to offer in myself, and feel better. One day at a time.