I bring you a fantastic guest blog from my BDFF – a co-worker (and now one of my closest friends, truly!) today, while I bask in the glow of Maine – and her take on the post-divorce “life” that is, once the dust settles, and the moments of anxiety that somehow do just feel more amplified than you’d like. I completely “get” that – I get tired, too, but at the end of the day, life is worth living, despite wanting to kick someone’s ass at the bank 😉
When I was asked to be a guest blogger, I was of course at first really excited….and then as I sat back and thought about what I wanted to write about I felt overwhelmed. I mean she inks very interesting things each day and is always coming up with cool content to blast out to her community of bloggers and friends that follow tbdetermined (well, you guys!).
Then I thought about the word ‘overwhelmed’ in general. It’s something I feel each day – more so since my divorce. After all I am the “head of the household” now and I am responsible for things I was never really responsible for before – like finances. Ahhhhh, the dreaded word – finances. I never was a math person…hell no! I was a Fine Arts major and focused on theater and performance arts at University and in fact, really dreaded math….always had since I can remember….maybe it started back in like the third grade when we had to dissect an apple to learn about fractions and all I wanted to do was look at how shiny it was or how it had multiple colors or the shape was off and not a perfect “apple” shape.
Anyhow, getting back to the topic at hand….oh yes – I hate finances. But alas I had to figure out a way to embrace them if I was going to survive. I began this by launching into an excel sheet (oh how gross…excel, but it actually comes in quite handy) and starting mapping out my fixed monthly bills and my estimated monthly expenses like food, gas, extras.
Don’t you love that word….? Extras?? I mean what does it mean really?
I’ll tell you what “extras” means. It means if I happen to come across a really cute outfit for either of my daughters or a pair of shoes on sale, or if I look in the mirror one day and GASP with horror because I haven’t had my hair colored in moons and the grays are slowly taking over root territory – THEN I look to the “extras” fund.
But in doing all this stuff – mapping out monthly expenses, using auto sum (a lot!) on excel, figuring out ways to cut corners with the roots of my hair – it basically got me to thinking – the lifestyle I once knew and grew accustomed to is really gone…it’s dust in the wind….it IS without a doubt – an overwhelming thought.
I’ll admit, even though I know that getting divorced was the single best thing I could have done, I have moments of anxiety. Moments where I think to myself, will I make it through?
Moments when I feel trapped….trapped in my career because of the paycheck. Moments when I want to scream. Moments when I look at my happily married/stay at home mom friends with their little lives all wrapped up in happy fancy wrapping paper with a perfect little silk bow on top and think – will I ever get there? Do I even want to get there? Moments when I can’t buy the juice I like because it’s not on sale and I never had to deny myself that before…..I have these little life changing moments that shake me all day long.
Then I think about love. Love I found since my divorce. True, uncompromising, 1940’s love-story movie kind of love and it replaces some of those anxious moments with perfect ones. ****Insert happy sigh here**** (note from Jolene – SHE has captured LOVE – and she is an inspiration! she has met her LOML – love of my life – how amazing!)
So we all can’t be happy in everything all the time. Happy in love, happy with money, happy with our jobs, family, friends….we all have overwhelming moments – OK, I will accept that. I will accept mine, at least for now I will.
I will accept that my life from here on out will have the ‘overwhelmed” factor in it…and in it A LOT – and quite frankly I will find a way to own it….I will become friends with it if I have to….I will do what it takes to not let it own me because I am worth it and my decision to get divorced was at the end of the day, completely worth it…each passing day tells me that in so many ways. So this is me…screaming at the top of the Prudential Center building saying – I am OVERWHELMED…..I AM TIRED….I WANT TO OCCASIONALLY KICK SOMEONE’S ASS AT THE BANK…..and oh yeah….I STILL HATE MATH!!!! 🙂