The first in a series of posts on my dad, growing up with (and without) him, and our eventual reconciliation (one of many). Here goes…
Over the years, my dad has been in and out of our lives (my sisters and I) for as long as I can remember. My parents had us when my dad was 24 and my mom was 25 and looking back, I can’t imagine having triplets – aka insta family – at that age. Even now, at 30, I can’t quite imagine being a mother, and while that’s a post for another day, it lends some context to some of these posts on my father.
My dad is a full-blooded Italian, which comes with hot-bloodedness, stubbornness and quite honestly, some anger issues (not to say all Italians are this way, or to pigeonhole at all, because clearly I’d be insulting myself and half of my family!) as well. I don’t know that he was quite ready to have a family at his age, either, which I think lent to some of his actions as we grew up.
He was in our lives, as a father, until we were 4 or 5, and then things got hairy (from what I recall as a child that age, and from what I have been told, growing up). My parents fought quite a bit, and by the age of 9 or 10, they had divorced.
To back up a bit, my sister Jen had the closest relationship with my father among the three of us. She was daddy’s girl and in a way, I think Jess and I took that to heart and tended to pull away from him, and more towards our mom. My dad definitely favored Jen whenever we had arguments, and bottom line, I think she was just the apple of his eye, which I don’t say in a bad way at all, because they truly had a special relationship. My sister Jess and I, on the other hand, were attached to my mom’s hip, and there began somewhat of a separation between the three of us (that we’ve since rectified and now have the closest sisterhood I could ever hope for).
As we grew up, with our dad in and out of our lives throughout our childhood, it was easier and less painful for me to not become too attached to him, to not feel the love and adoration I had for my mom, for my dad. Because he would leave and not come back, sometimes for days, sometimes longer. And as a child, that’s really hard to deal with. It’s funny (not ha-ha funny) that as I write this, I struggle to recall some of the turn of events that led to my parents divorce….except for one particular instance that I will post on tomorrow, likely in a protected post (just leave a comment with your email address and I’ll share it with you).
But what I do remember most distinctly, beyond that, is it was less painful to just ‘like’ my dad than to ‘love’ him, and to this day, I feel that way towards my father, for fear of being hurt, and protectively as well, as I know how many times he’s let down my sister Jen or my family, in general. In a way, it’s sad to have a father that you don’t allow yourself to love, but on the other hand, it’s afforded me the ability to maintain a good friendship with him now, which is, in my opinion, the best possible outcome.
August 30, 2010 at 9:30 am
Thanks for taking the time to start to share this about your dad. My parents divorced when I was in the 3rd grade, so I can definitely relate. I was never super close to my dad as a child, I felt like I was never perfect enough for him. But as an adult, we have a very special relationship, and I understand him in new ways. I would like to see the protected post please.
August 30, 2010 at 9:33 am
Thanks Heather – yet another way we have similarities, huh? I just sent you an email with the password – it will post tomorrow.
August 30, 2010 at 10:00 am
thank you so much for taking the time to right about your relationship with your dad. My parents divorced before my first birthday, so I was never close to my Dad or his side of the family.
It might seem silly but I had not thought about why I didn’t really try to go after him until reading your post about not wanting to be hurt, truly eye opening to me. Would like to be able to keep reading your story about your relationship if you’ll share it.
love reading your blog and follow your story.
Melissa
August 30, 2010 at 12:03 pm
So glad you can relate, and I am touched that you are following my story. Appreciate it so much! and yes, I will keep sharing it!
August 30, 2010 at 10:39 am
Interesting start to the series, definitely looking forward to the rest! Pretty sure you know my email address by now 😉 Happy Monday!
August 30, 2010 at 12:03 pm
of course I will share it – IM me later 😉
August 30, 2010 at 11:11 am
i feel kinda guilty, because i’m the apple of my daddy’s eye. he’s had his share of failures with me and my sister, but in the end, he’s always there if we need him. i can’t imagine what it must be like to have to keep your distance.
i would like to read the protected post, please.
i guess it helps that you’re close to your mom. i’m closer to mine now than i ever was growing up.
August 30, 2010 at 12:04 pm
Never feel guilty – it’s great when you CAN have such a great relationship with him. My mom and I are very close, so it makes up for it – and then some. Emailed you the password!
August 30, 2010 at 11:48 am
Interesting start for sure. I hope you’ll send me the password lady. 🙂
August 30, 2010 at 12:04 pm
Of course – just shared it with you 🙂
August 30, 2010 at 11:51 am
Thank you for writing this. It gives me hope that my oldest daughter will eventually at least like me again, she stopped speaking to me when her mother and I separated.
August 30, 2010 at 12:04 pm
Aw, that is too bad. I hope so too. thank you for visiting!
August 30, 2010 at 12:33 pm
You KNOW I would like to read the protected post. Password please! You know the address. 🙂
My relationship with my dad is also complicated, but kind of the reverse of yours. As the years have gone by, I’ve become more and more estranged from him. Now it’s to the point that I have absolutely no respect or positive feelings toward him. Luckily, I have a large family and lots other people to get support from.
August 30, 2010 at 1:38 pm
of course! Interesting about yours being the reverse – sad when it happens, truthfully, but when you have so much more close family, somehow it helps a great deal.
August 30, 2010 at 1:16 pm
i want to keep reading the series so please send me the password, thanks!
August 30, 2010 at 1:38 pm
of course! Sent it over.
August 30, 2010 at 1:23 pm
Thanks for sharing friend…stuff like this helps us all!
August 30, 2010 at 1:42 pm
glad to share, writing it felt good to do.
August 30, 2010 at 1:36 pm
Can I have the password please?
I know I got a good deal when it comes to my parents. My brother and I had a great childhood. But I think a lot of that stems from the fact that my dad had a HORRIBLE childhood. It took a lot for him to overcome everything he was dealt. There are still things we see in him that we know are a direct result of his mother. You can’t really fault him for that because he has overcome so much! He wanted the exact opposite of his childhood for us. And he achieved it. I have so much respect for people strong enough to overcome things like that. You and your sisters clearly are strong, tough women to be so successful in life now! Props to your mother also! She did a great job with you girls!
August 30, 2010 at 1:43 pm
Aw thank you so much!! And conversely, it is great that you truly see how great of a father (and mother) you have. So many take it for granted!
August 30, 2010 at 1:50 pm
oh, parents. i understand what you mean about “liking” him instead of “loving” him. that’s how i handled my mother for the last few years of her life. if you’d like to share the password, i’m interested in reading the rest.
August 30, 2010 at 2:03 pm
Sometimes it helps to have a barrier of emotional protection, though I admit it’s probably not the best way to go about things, but worked best for me. anyway. Sent you the password as well.
August 30, 2010 at 3:52 pm
Its a rough relationship, I understand. Just try and take deep breaths whenever things go wonky or when you remember the tough times. Its the only you can do to stay sane sometimes.
PS – if you don’t have my email addressed engraved on the brain, we’re having issues. 🙂
August 30, 2010 at 4:04 pm
XO friend – yes, I have your email engraved in my brain, no worries. XO – and I guess it’s one of the reasons I heart your dad. Good guy. 🙂
August 30, 2010 at 4:22 pm
Oh my goodness! I can relate to this on soooo many levels. I really feel where you’re coming from. It’s so rough to want that love but feel its never there. I’m interested to hear more since it almost feels like reading my own story.
August 30, 2010 at 4:24 pm
So glad you can relate as well, thank you for the support, and I’ve sent you the password too.
August 30, 2010 at 4:27 pm
Hey sis,
I definetly think that being dad’s fave hurt us and wasn’t fair but I am so glad we have gotten past that. Love you sis xoxoxo
August 30, 2010 at 4:33 pm
Of course we are well past that sis, and truthfully, I think our sister bond is even stronger because of our upbringing in so many ways. XO sis!
August 30, 2010 at 6:16 pm
would like the link…my pastor described the love you have for a family member who hurts is its like a wild horse. You want to ride it and you still love it but you just keep your distance for your own good.
August 30, 2010 at 6:27 pm
wow, that’s a really good analogy.
August 30, 2010 at 9:20 pm
I can also identify. I maintain a safe distance from my father, emotionally, because I don’t want to be disappointed or feel rejected. He’s the type to assure me every time I visit him that he’ll be a better dad from now on; that’ll he’ll stay in touch and visit me soon. I try not to believe his promises. He has never visited me yet, and he rarely calls. The fact that I don’t allow myself to love him or need his love allows that to hurt less.
Good food for thought; Great post!
August 31, 2010 at 5:48 am
Wow, exactly C – my dad was full of empty promises too, and it’s so hard not to fall for it when it is convincing, isn’t it? Thanks for inspiring me to write about this!!
August 31, 2010 at 7:46 am
I know it’s hard to examine the past sometimes. I’ve been thinking it’s what I need to do to some extent. (Although I’m more of a ‘look to the future’ kind of girl.)
Kudos for sharing. And if you wouldn’t mind sending me the password…
Big hugs!
August 31, 2010 at 7:48 am
Thanks Nicki. I agree, it is hard and I prefer forward looking! Will send password over!
August 31, 2010 at 8:15 am
I would love the password to keep following the story. My heart kind of sinks when I read about it, but I think it has contributed to how strong of a woman you are. Thanks! Have a wonderful week!
August 31, 2010 at 8:22 am
Thank you so much Tiffany. Just sent you the password as well.
August 31, 2010 at 8:17 am
Hi.
I had a similar relationship with my dad in so many ways. I’d love to read the next part of your story.
Thanks.
August 31, 2010 at 8:25 am
thanks for visiting – just sent over the password as well.
August 31, 2010 at 8:57 am
Longtime lurker, first time commenting 🙂 I’d like to echo some of the sentiments above, and say that these experiences DID make you stronger. I’d love to read on, if you wouldn’t mind sending the password.
August 31, 2010 at 9:08 am
Aw, love when a lurker comes out 🙂 thank you so much! Just sent the password.
August 31, 2010 at 10:17 am
Hi Jolene- I’m guilty of being a longtime lurker as well. I stumbled upon your blog this past Jan when i was going through my divorce(also at age 29). I’ve really enoyed reading your blog and it has helped me along the way. I’d like to contiune to read your posts so if you could forward me the password I’d really appreciate it!
Elizabeth
August 31, 2010 at 10:22 am
wow, so glad you are de-lurking!! And so glad what I’ve been writing is helping you. I am touched. And why aren’t you blogging? 😉 Maybe a guest blog for mine at some point if you are interested!
August 31, 2010 at 10:53 am
I like and agree with the “wild horse” analogy. Please send PW, friend
August 31, 2010 at 11:30 am
of course – just sent friend!
September 1, 2010 at 12:43 pm
Hard to dig through all these emotions. I’ve been going through this myself following my father’s death. Haven’t made sense of it all yet – can only do so much at a time.
Is this process healing for you?
Please send me the password for post #2
September 1, 2010 at 1:04 pm
I bet it is very difficult, Mandy, given your father’s passing. this process was a bit healing, but more than that, my conclusion from where our relationship is now with him surprised me.
September 1, 2010 at 4:20 pm
Would love the password too!
I, too, had a strained relationship with my dad. He passed away in 2007 and we’d thankfully reconciled by then.
Looking forward to reading more.
September 1, 2010 at 4:24 pm
Of course, just sent it over to you. And I am glad you reconciled with your dad before he passed. Closure, at the very least.
September 4, 2010 at 10:57 pm
I’m a little late in catching up. I’ve been off line again moving and then dealing with more ex drama which u will read about soon enuf on my blog. Anyhow u might have inspired me to discuss my parents on my blog. I’m sure I need to. Anyhow, can I see the password protected entry? Thanks.
September 5, 2010 at 4:54 pm
no problem!! Look forward to reading the latest from you as well, and hopefully things are going ok for you! I just sent the password as well.
September 17, 2010 at 7:48 pm
I imagine that your posts are going to resonate with a lot of readers. From an early age, children learn how to form walls and set boundaries to protect their hearts. I’m glad that you’re able to be friends with your Dad now. As you said, that might be the right mode for you both. How has this been for you to write?
PS Password please :). xoxo
September 18, 2010 at 9:22 am
this was such a good thing for me to do and looking through all the comments, wow, there were so many. everyone is so supportive, I thank my friend and bloggy community!! XO!
January 5, 2011 at 6:08 pm
I can’t say I have been in your shoes because I Had my Dad for my 52 years of my life and we got along fine. But I can tell you this, cherish the friendship you have with him now. I come from a family of twelve kids and not all got along with my Dad the best. We lost our Dad last summer to a long battle with cancer. It was a very hard thing to watch. All of my siblings got the chance to make their peace with my Dad before he died and him like wise. It was sad that it took something like this to make this happen. Enjoy the time you have with your Dad. Believe me, I wish I still had more time with mine.
January 5, 2011 at 6:21 pm
I’m sorry to hear that. And of course, we should always value our family.