One of the things that I constantly am reminding myself of…re-learning all of the things you end up taking for granted in long-term relationships and/or marriage.
Things like…trust, love, figuring each other out.
Tackling trust today (will likely expand on the others as well in follow-on posts) – it’s one of those elusive feelings that you naturally build up when you get involved with someone, but when does that happen? How long does it take? How do you “learn” (or re-learn) to trust that person?
And before you begin wondering why I’m asking – no, it’s not because I don’t trust CBE, it’s that I feel as though generally, going through the dating thing over the last 7-8 months or so, I’ve trusted too easily, and taken words at face value when oftentimes those words were not true, or were half-trusts, or in some cases, complete BS (hello, BS detector, where are you?!), and maybe that’s made me a little jaded, a little dis-trusting, and generally, more of an overthinker than I was in the past.
But back to trust.
How do you build it up? How do you know words spoken are genuine, legitimate and well, honest?
I guess it’s just something you learn, and there really isn’t one answer for it, it’s not cut and dry and all I know is, it takes time. And yeah, that’s okay, but I just want to not have self-doubt, not over-analyze everything and just feel completely at ease…and while I do think CBE is genuine and honest, I guess I just get a little bit afraid of the “what-if” factor – what if he is “just saying” all of these wonderful things, and “what if” his actions towards me, his affection, his words, aren’t true, and “what-if” it doesn’t continue?
See where and how badly my brain rambles on?! Hello, overthinkers anonymous, save me!
It frustrates me, because I am happy with where things are going with CBE, and maybe that’s where the self-doubt starts to creep in…because I am starting to have feelings “beyond chemistry” with him, and I can see this going forward into something more concrete.
And maybe that’s completely normal.
But, sometimes I wish I could fast-forward a wee bit and see what’s around the corner. I think I know, and I hope I know, and I don’t really want to fast-forward life, or where things are going, it’s just that little piece of me that just wants to see what happens around the bend.
Is that wrong? No, I don’t think so.
Am I overthinking? Probably.
Will I learn to trust – with CBE or whomever I’m meant to be with next? Yes – but when that will be – to be determined (I knew I called my blog To Be Determined for a reason!!).
Hmmph. Thinkingthinkingthinking.
~~
Hopefully this post doesn’t come across as doubtful or down or upset…because I’m truly not, I’m just inquiring and inquisitive tonight. Maybe a little pensive.
And now you know why I always say “we’ll see what happens” – because I think I’m a little bit afraid of getting hurt…even though I shouldn’t, because if I do, it was still worthwhile to take a chance, and I know I’m resilient enough to get through it. I just prefer *not* to get hurt…don’t we all?!
I guess it IS the risk we take, and we hope for the best. And that’s what I’m hoping for – to relish what it is, and where it’s going and hope for the best, strive for the best, and see what happens.
Thoughts?!
March 22, 2010 at 7:10 pm
Aw sis, I wish I had the answers for you! I WISH I could see around the corner with you! And you’ve nailed it – it’s SO HARD to relinquish yourself completely and utterly, allow yourself to fall, allow your defenses to come down completely and just BE. No questioning, no wondering, no fear. That is HARD. Trust is hard. Trust is taking that leap of faith that yeah, you might get hurt, but you’re willing to commit to that “thing” (whatever it may be) despite the possibility of being hurt. But like you and I have talked about before, dating, relationships, love, they all involve the potential for hurt – but if you never take that leap (and thus, never open yourself up to possible hurt), how will you ever find your Mr. ToBeDetermined? ((hugs))
March 22, 2010 at 7:13 pm
thanks sis – that was really sweet, needed that tonight, need to shake out these self-doubt feelings and just take it for what it is, and hope for a happy/fun outcome.
March 22, 2010 at 7:16 pm
Trust is a HUGE one for me, too, so I getcha.
The only thing I can say, from experience, is to just give things time. If you have patience, you will be given many opportunities and examples where trust has been earned and deserved. File those away for future reference when times come up when the trust feels a little shaky.
It takes work to build trust, but if you try, really try, eventually you will get there.
March 22, 2010 at 7:27 pm
THANK YOU so much – that really resonated with me, in so many ways. I’m glad I’m in good company on this one, even though struggling with trust is such a hard thing (not that “misery loves company” but you know what I mean!).
March 22, 2010 at 7:30 pm
It’s hard risking something as fragile as your heart…but without taking risks, you’ll never find out what goodness there is out there.
March 22, 2010 at 7:32 pm
You’re right – i need to keep that in mind!! You are my inspiration this evening 🙂
March 23, 2010 at 7:42 am
Relationships are a risk. And let’s face it…we’re divorced. We’re going into new relationships a little more damamged than most. I think the key questions to ask yourself are whether or not he’s someone you can completely be yourself with. Is he someone you feel safe with? Is he someone you are happy with? And the trust is there, it comes, it grows. Give it time.
I know I talk about time…all the time.
Try this…go with some advice I picked up from T. Allow and let your miracle happen.
Thinking of you!
Big warm hugs.
March 23, 2010 at 9:12 am
Thank you Nicki – you are right, allow and let miracles happen – great suggestion(and thanks to T for providing it in the first place!). And the questions are right as well – worth asking and for the record, I would answer yes to all of those re: CBE. That’s a good sign. Hugs back atcha!!
March 23, 2010 at 12:26 pm
I think that last sentence pretty much says it all. And that’s really all we CAN do. Ever forward.
March 23, 2010 at 12:28 pm
thanks Mindy – you’re right, so right!
March 23, 2010 at 12:45 pm
Please know that this is not a gender-specific issue. I am one of the few trust-worthy guys I know when it comes to women. Unfortunately for me, I keep getting squashed in relationships.
It seems alot of women PREFER liars and cheats to a guy who is monogomous with them and truthful…it’s the preverbial ‘bad boy’ syndrom. My last love told me frequently that I was the ‘love of her lifetime’ and she wanted to marry me and grow old with me…and that everything was great with me and that I treated her better than any man had ever treated her…and when I would wonder out loud “but don’t the nice guys finish last?”…she would overwhelmingly reply “Not this time, Baby!!”
We never even argued in the 8 months we were together…and now she has left and does not wish to be contacted ever again. One week she loved me and wanted a lifetime and the next week she wouldn’t even take the Valentine I bought her. I trusted this one totally and got burned once again…
Not sure about women and trust as this is the 5th woman since my divorce 10 years ago that has totally screwed me over…
March 23, 2010 at 12:51 pm
Don, do you think maybe it has something to do with the type of women you’re attracted to? I dunno. It seems to me like there are fewer and fewer trustworthy people in this world, both men AND women…
March 23, 2010 at 12:57 pm
agreed. Not just one gender over the other, in my opinion.
March 23, 2010 at 3:54 pm
[…] relationships | Leave a Comment I thought I’d follow up my post from last night on trust, to do a little three-parter on “re-learning” the things you likely take for granted in […]
March 24, 2010 at 8:04 am
My feeling on trust are to #1 – trust your instincts. NEVER ignore red flags. If you sense that your partner is a good person then trust them until they prove they CAN’T be trusted, rather than not trusting until they prove that they can. I think that in going into a relationship with this feeling it allows for honest communication and a natural back and forth flow, rather than someone constantly trying to prove that they are trustworthy while the other has them under the microscope. 🙂
And thank you for the comments on my blog. ❤
March 24, 2010 at 8:09 am
Thanks Cheryl – that is actually the best advice I’ve gotten on the trust thing – trusting if your gut tells you/they’re a good person until proven that they can’t be trusted. I think that’s a wonderful way of looking at it – cautious but not negatively so, or assuming the worst all the time. 🙂
March 24, 2010 at 10:22 am
I SOOO could have written this.
I have problems with trust too – especially because when I get into a relationship, its not just MY heart that I’m risking anymore. I have two little girls who trust very easily. They trust ME to make the best decisions of who I will allow into their lives. So yeah… talk about overthinking…
I think trust happens when action follows words. And you and I can both what if and wonder what’s around the corner for the rest of our lives… trust me on that one.
But I think that when we always expect that our men are acting out of love, then that is what we will perceive. And that helps both of us to trust each other.
March 24, 2010 at 10:26 am
Thank you T – well, well, well put! I couldn’t have said it any better.
March 25, 2010 at 2:03 am
[…] “Re-learning” trust (and why is that so hard?!) « To Be Determined […]
April 5, 2010 at 8:46 pm
Trust is a weird beast, and it’s a whole lot more complicated and stressful for an overthinker.
But I suppose if you never truely trust then you’ll never truely trust.
They (whoever they are) say that it’s better to have loved and lost than to have not loved at all.
Regular visits to overthinkers anonymous should help. I’ll meet you there one day 🙂
April 6, 2010 at 8:19 am
thanks for your feedback – it is a weird beast, isn’t it? Ha, a virtual meetup of overthinkers…I like it! 😉