I’ve recently had an a-ha moment on a new dealbreaker that I guess I didn’t realize *was* a dealbreaker.
Until my non-chemistry dates with boy #13 (I never “named” him, per se) and more recently, with “Massage Boy” last week.
I don’t want to be your life.
Dealbreaker.
I have my own life and he should have his own life, my opinion. That’s my ideal. And not only is it my ideal, I am realizing it is a dealbreaker.
Don’t get me wrong – I want to share a life with a man, I really do. But I also want to know that he’s got it going on, with friends, and family and hobbies and stuff he likes to do. Because I do, and I don’t want my life to become HIS life, or vice versa. I don’t think it’s the healthiest way to start a relationship, and I think it could potentially be the kiss of death for any sort of independence and a solid relationship either.
I have a feeling I might get mixed reactions on this new-found dealbreaker – some may agree, some may think it’s harsh or nitpicking so early on. But for me, it screams warning sign.
For example. Massage Boy has been texting me ad nauseum ever since our date, like constantly. About random stuff. Not even a conversation. Stuff like “wow, this is a good chocolate shake.” or “is it weird that I am watching Shrek right now?” (at 11 pm on a Saturday night…). And he has zero plans for the long weekend. (the texting thing is a little annoying in itself. I don’t mind texting. I like it, but not as a random stream of conscious thoughts that don’t even really relate to me at all.)
Really? NO plans? Nothing?
I mean, I am ALL for a free weekend to catch up on life, but a long weekend? I like to get out, enjoy it, socialize. To me, it just seems odd not to have one iota of anything planned.
Is that weird?
I don’t want to be your life. I want to share our lives, but not be it.
Dealbreaker.
To Be Determined 
September 7, 2010 at 5:24 pm
I think that makes sense. You noticed that it felt weird that he was testing you all the time and had no plans, and you seem almost a little apologetic about thinking that’s not cool. But I would say that you are spot on; people mistak poor boundaries for intimacy. It’s not the same at all. It’s a warning sign of a co-dependent. I can say this because I have been that codependent who makes my life all about the person I’m dating. It’s not healthy at all, and you are right to be wary.
I do think that when two people really “click,” they can be crazy all over one-another for awhile (if it’s really mutual), but that should be an exception to an other-wise full life. It should not be the easiest thing in the world to just constantly be in touch and always be available, and if it is, then you have to wonder why? Is he that lonely? Has he no friends? Does he make no effort at filling his life with satisfying activities? Are you expected to fill a huge void in his life? Yikes!
What I’m saying is this: trust your gut, which is picking up on his seemingly empty life and finding this off-putting. Just as you said in a previous post that you need to love yourself and be happy before you can find the right relationship, that same goes for this guy. If he had a happy, full life, he’d be more attractive. You are putting that effort into doing that for yourself and finding satisfaction that doesn’t rely on a man, and you deserve someone who is making that same effort and understands why that is a beautiful thing.
Long enough comment for ya? 😉
September 7, 2010 at 5:56 pm
YES – LOVE your perspective on this and the long comment, thank you C! I agree, the crazy-for-each-other thing can totally happen – if it’s mutual, but this weird-ass texting stuff is just beyond me! And thanks for reminding me to take my own advice, trust my gut and not to settle for anything less. XO!
September 7, 2010 at 5:28 pm
I think that’s a totally reasonable Dealbreaker – it’s one of mine as well. A guy who doesn’t seem to have a social life or other interests always makes me weary. I want to be with someone who ALSO has a happy, full, balanced life so that we can SHARE our happy lives together. Otherwise it just doesn’t work.
September 7, 2010 at 6:02 pm
YES! Exactly what you just said – being with someone who has a happy, full, balanced life – that is who I want.
September 7, 2010 at 5:32 pm
I seriously think this is a great approach! It’s also a very mature approach in my opinion. Think back to early relationships where you (or at least for me) thought you had to be with the boy 24/7 and loved each others hobbies down to a T.
September 7, 2010 at 5:58 pm
Agreed – and I don’t ever want to morph into someone else, or my partner, and not be ME. that’s so not where I want to be, especially after building up quite a life I love. I think everyone needs to do that, have something distinct, and then while it does evolve a bit when you are in a relationship, it shouldn’t become polar opposite.
September 7, 2010 at 5:35 pm
Personally, I think that’s where I get lost in the dating…I want someone to want to be around me all the time, but I also want them to want to be other places too. As daters, I think we leavet his one open and can define it however we see fit. Texting me with what you’re eating for breakfast is not adorable, unless you’re texting me to have breakfast with you some place and we have that kind of relationship!
September 7, 2010 at 5:59 pm
E-XACTLY! It is ours to define, and honestly, if, in the case of Massage Boy, he were trying to make an effort, you’d think he’d be trying a little harder than just randomly texting and crap. So over that.
September 7, 2010 at 5:39 pm
Definitely a deal breaker! *but* to me it depends on that definition of own life per person. My Fiancé LOVES LOVES LOVES hockey…that’s his hobby but it doesn’t always take him out of the house. He is more than happy to get home to let the dogs out so I can meet friends to run, take kids to soccer or whatever. He doesn’t have tons of out of the house stuff but he’s never bored … has tons of hobbies (probably more than me!) so it might not look the same with each individual person. Just be a little open to a changing definition of that term and I think you’re set! Besides, you SHOULD NOT settle! You’re great as you are and you don’t need to settle for anyone–I promise!
September 7, 2010 at 6:01 pm
I think what you described is completely different – I think it’s perfectly fine, once you are in a relationship/marriage to have hobbies that don’t take you out of the house or whatever (and generally too, doesn’t mean *only* when in relationships), I just mean more along the lines of – DO stuff you love, don’t just sit around twiddling your thumbs. Ya know? But thank you, you are right, no need to settle and I definitely don’t plan to 🙂
September 7, 2010 at 8:14 pm
I completely agree with you on this being a dealbreaker (that’s why I put similar social lifestyles in my Love List) BUT… I do have to say that I wouldn’t make that assumption of HIM, just yet. I had plans friday and Saturday but (have) no more plans until I go back to work next week. I did that on purpose so I could relax at home, catch up on sleep, some blogs, get some downtime, etc. Does that mean I don’t have a life? Nah. He was probably out with a friend while he was enjoying that chocolate shake and was thinking of you 🙂
As I said- completely agree with your dealbreaker, but it’s easy to paint people with that brush before really knowing if the dealbreaker should apply to them.
September 7, 2010 at 8:19 pm
Valid points my friend, thus why I haven’t completely shut the door on that one, however, I am close to it, I just see the signs already, and if I do now, I don’t feel totally motivated to see him again…if he asks, maybe, but he hasn’t asked, even amid 746 texts!
September 8, 2010 at 6:14 pm
Please tell me 746 is not for real?… If so, I take back everything I said. On to the next!
September 7, 2010 at 11:05 pm
YES. seriously, yes. that’s a big reason why my marriage broke up: i grew, changed, evolved, and he didn’t.
that being said, i’ve also found myself being that clingy person with nothing going on. i’ve had to work hard to resist the urge to randomly text the boy when i have nothing going on. it’s ok to be alone sometimes. that’s my new mantra. hell, if i expect it from others, i’d damn sure better give it.
September 8, 2010 at 8:40 am
You’re right, it IS hard not to do the random text when you have nothing going on. I’ve done that in the past too, and now that it’s being done to me every other second by this guy, I realize how it can come across!
September 8, 2010 at 7:03 am
I’m so impressed with your ability to assess potential relationships. I was never terribly good at that…until I lost interest in dating altogether. Still, I completely agree that couples need to have separate lives to go along with their shared life.
September 8, 2010 at 8:41 am
thanks Nicki…I guess going through all these dates and not finding what I’ve wanted helps me see the light, so I’m grateful for the experiences, even when they kinda suck sometimes. And it has certainly given me the time to really think through what I want and what I don’t.
September 8, 2010 at 7:51 am
Oh how I love this post. I am in total agreement with you. I think we have worked to hard on ourselves to just give it up for someone else. I think there can be a healthy mixing of lives in a relationship.
September 8, 2010 at 8:42 am
thanks friend! I had a feeling you would be…we DO work hard to build a life for ourselves, no need or sense in giving it up. Of course, it’s something I want to share with a significant other, but I don’t want my life to be theirs only.
September 8, 2010 at 8:37 am
When a man has a life of his own and plans of his own it legitimizes him in a woman’s mind. If am man isn’t man enough to have friends, or motivated enough to make his own life without the presence of a woman, then he kind of comes across as a bit of a loser. I hate to say it so bluntly but it’s true. If I am dating a guy and I see that it is going to take my presence in his life to make his life fun or interesting, then I have to wonder about him…
September 8, 2010 at 8:43 am
you said it so well – it’s true though, really. you gotta have something going on in your own life – doesn’t mean you have to be Mr. Popular, but DO stuff. I mean really.
September 8, 2010 at 9:02 am
DEALBREAKER. I completely agree with this. I have gotten a few confused/negative reactions when I say things like this (i.e. I’m “too independent).
I think there’s a huge difference between building a life WITH someone (where you can share hobbies and friends but still have your own) versus having your life BE someone. I just don’t think having your life BE someone can be healthy for a long period of time.
September 8, 2010 at 9:08 am
Completely agree! Well put. And there is no such thing as too much independence, in my book. A good thing!
September 8, 2010 at 4:40 pm
I totally get this dealbreaker. Maybe you should call him “Message Boy” instead of “Massage” Boy.” It’s about boundaries. For some people, calling five times a day is the norm. For others it would be suffocating.
Funny story: When my brother worked full time, his wife used to call him all the time. One time he said something like, “Do you have anything important to say?”
She didn’t like that at all. So now, he’s not working and his wife is, and he calls her at work like five times a day. He said, “I’m just trying to get her to ask me if I have anything important to say.”
September 8, 2010 at 4:43 pm
YES, he IS Message Boy. Seriously, back off bud 😉 I think there is definitely a healthy balance, but when it’s the FIRST DATE, 540 texts a day is NOT normal IMO! Funny story, you’ll have to tell me if she actually says “do you have anything important to say?” 😉
September 8, 2010 at 5:09 pm
oh i completely agree. if a guy is TOO available, you start to wonder what is wrong with him that he doesn’t have any plans…it is definitely a dealbreaker. he needs his own life.
September 9, 2010 at 7:20 am
Exactly! He needs a life too, it’s just something important to me!
September 8, 2010 at 5:27 pm
Yep, I agree too. DEALBREAKER! I’ve even had a guy I went on ONE date with get totally invested like that. It was unsettling, to say the least.
September 9, 2010 at 7:19 am
It IS sort of unsettling isn’t it? Just odd especially if one sided!
September 8, 2010 at 8:25 pm
My ex was my entire life, and I was his.
BIG mistake.
Now that I have a relationship and have my own life outside of that, I can see even more clearly that it’s SO important for people to maintain their sense of self when they’re with someone.
It’s too much pressure to put on someone else (and on the relationship!) to want that someone be everything to you. It’s just not healthy, IMO.
September 9, 2010 at 7:18 am
Completely agree! It’s not healthy at all, and I think after all I’ve done to enjoy and build up my life, I want to share it, but not BE it for anyone else, if that makes sense.
September 8, 2010 at 9:37 pm
Um… did you read my post from earlier today?
I haven’t fully invested in Rascal but I was slowly giving up stuff. I’m with you. It is ESSENTIAL that we each maintain our individuality. Besides, two whole people coming together make for a much happier couple!
Great post!
September 9, 2010 at 7:16 am
I did read it! Great minds? I totally agree on two people coming together make a couple, not one sided!
September 9, 2010 at 12:07 pm
there are two distinct problems here, and both are dealbreakers for me.
the first is that he attempts to somehow be constantly present with you via meaningless chatter. this shows a lack of understanding regarding true intimacy. not to mention that he could be texting half a dozen girls. it’s a great medium, but it shouldn’t be the only medium, or an method of constant contact.
not having any plans for a long weekend may just mean that he plays it by ear or that he has a lot of things to entertain him at home. but i have a feeling if he talked about interests, hobbies and projects, you wouldn’t feel this way.
i used to see it in the negative- this one doesn’t have enough going for him, that one won’t understand my need to devote time outside of the relationship.
but the guy i’m seeing now makes it crystal clear in the positive: he is all the more attractive because he is passionate about his interests. his dedication and intensity for his pet projects gives me a preview of how he commits to what he cares about…
…and i’m liking what i see.
❤
September 9, 2010 at 12:46 pm
I love your feedback, especially the last paragraph. So true. And not having plans or playing it by ear is totally fine with me, but when it is a reoccurring pattern that he simply NEVER has anything going on, or I just don’t get a sense that he does much besides watch TV, that adds to the dealbreakerness. But I LOVE that you are seeing a great guy – awesome!!
September 9, 2010 at 2:16 pm
Ugh, I hate that! There’s nothing wrong with having your own interests. Plus, it gives you something to talk about when you do see each other. My parents have been married over 30 years and you can be sure that my mother doesn’t go hunting with my dad just as my dad doesn’t come to craft shows with us. Plus, there’s nothing like a day away from HS Marine to make me miss him and ridiculously eager to see him.
September 9, 2010 at 4:04 pm
Aww so cute re HS Marine! Love that. And I agree, it gives you convo starters too, and well, I just want my man to have his own thang too. I mean, if the roles were reversed, I think he would too.
September 9, 2010 at 6:35 pm
I definitely agree!
September 9, 2010 at 7:10 pm
thought you might 🙂
September 17, 2010 at 8:37 pm
You ask at the end if your dealbreaker is weird. It’s not because it’s yours! We all have them, and I think it’s easier if we realize them from the get-go. I would go batty if a guy didn’t have his own life, though. And, if he’s going to text you incessantly, at least his texts could be less random. “I’m enjoying a chocolate shake. Wish you were here…” type of thing.
September 18, 2010 at 9:18 am
Yea, I don’t mind the texts when they are normal, conversational, not random weirdness like that!!