Last night I had dinner with Pete (as I noted yesterday) as a belated birthday dinner, and a chance to get together (and score – he paid again – even though it was his birthday recently…how nice, right??).
We went to a local place we used to love going to (not as couple-y as the last place we went, but a place that has delicious food to say the least!) and that I still love going to.
What was significant about this place, you ask?
It was the place we went for dinner the night the shit hit the fan.
The night we “attempted” to act as if everything was okay (this was when we were discussing why he wasn’t happy and the eventual lead to “I don’t want to be married anymore” aka divorce) but about halfway through dinner, I distinctly recall how awkward, forced, and sad it felt. I had a nervous pit in the middle of my stomach, could barely eat, we barely talked, and it was just it…sort of one of the moments I knew where we were headed, and it was making me sick to think about.
It was probably one of the worst nights leading into the eventual end to our marriage, and for awhile, I just didn’t go back to this particular restaurant (though now I do, and have replaced sad memories with friends and family).
But last night? It was fun, we laughed, we caught up, we joked, we recalled that fateful night, and exactly where we sat. We decided to shake that memory off and replace it with better ones, like last night.
Quite the juxtaposition.
We talked about his birthday this past weekend, and how much fun we had two years ago that same weekend for his mom’s 50th surprise party (a party that my entire family came to as well, two states away), and “did you ever imagine that two years later, we’d be divorced?” Of course, the answer was no, but then we talked about how glad we both are to be where we are together, in our evolved relationship into the friendship we have now. Something that many (okay, MOST!) don’t understand, but something that works for us.
We talked about Nala (he came by to give her a hug on the way to dinner and noted she seemed a little plumper. She is, but today, she is lethargic again, so I have a call in to the vet. Of course, I worry and think the worst, but her antibiotic ran out and it’s super humid and hot here, so I am hoping it’s just a combo of that. Stay tuned…), and our jobs, and summer vacations, and dating (both of us are sort of in stalemate situations, not a heck of a lot happening in that department, but it’s all good).
I’m glad we got together again. I’m glad we caught up. I’m glad we erased that horrible night from our memories and replaced it with a warmer, nicer, more enjoyable one.
And I’m glad we’re friends.
~~
On a side note, hop over to I Used to Have Hair/Canadian Bald Guy’s blog today…he’s on a quest to visit his daughter and is hoping for some help. If you have anything to spare, it’s a good cause. I donated (and yes, donated, not loaned, CBG!) because I never quite had a great relationship with my own dad, and to see how much he wants to foster that with his daughter is refreshing and inspiring and I wish them all the best.
June 24, 2010 at 10:53 am
I’m soooo glad you have such a great relationship with your Ex…I would give anything to be able to have dinenrs with the Bio and chat about life. But, alas we haven’t grown there yet.
June 24, 2010 at 10:57 am
Thanks D – I am glad too, and I hope you are able to get there someday, if it’s what you want. It’s not for everyone, but it makes this whole thing feel so much more “right” and the closure I need to be able to have the friendship we have.
June 24, 2010 at 10:59 am
I loved reading this – it truly exemplifies the progression you’ve experienced together and apart, from the past year and a half or so. I’m so glad that you were able to “save” this part of your relationship, especially since I recall so vividly you telling me way back then that the last thing you wanted was for Pete to be out of your life entirely. And look at you now, he’s not, he fits right where he should and it works. Awesome.
June 24, 2010 at 11:21 am
thanks sis, you’re right, it is “saved” in a way, and our friendship gives me a sense of balance, in a way. That missing piece isn’t missing anymore.
June 24, 2010 at 11:05 am
π Love hearing that you two get along so well even with all that has happened. It truly is amazing what can happen over time, you know, good or bad. It’s nice to revisit those places and be able to create better memories.
June 24, 2010 at 11:22 am
thanks Suki! It is amazing what can happen over time, you’re right. It takes patience, and has ups and downs as does any friendship, but we’re in a really good spot right now.
June 24, 2010 at 12:38 pm
I totally agree about replacing memories. I have places like that, places that remind me of terrible moments in my life, and I like to go back there with new people so that I can create new associations. It always seems to work.
I don’t quite understand your relationship with Pete– I want nothing to do with my ex, who pretty much did the same thing to me that Pete did to you– but I’m glad it works for you. Every divorce is different.
June 24, 2010 at 12:48 pm
I can’t really explain it either, except to say that our friendship did underlie everything, and I think that’s a big part of why. And we didn’t fight a heck of a lot through the divorce process, so I never hated him really, even though what he did obviously hurt me very deeply. So, yeah, it doesn’t make sense that we are friends like we are, but to us, it does.
If that makes any sense π
June 24, 2010 at 1:08 pm
Hey girl – sounds like you had a nice evening. I know that part of the difficulty my sister is having with her divorce is losing her best friend. I think it’s so great that you guys are rediscovering the friendship aspect. I mean, there was a reason you did end up married. Even if marriage wasn’t right for you guys, it sounds like friendship might be.
June 24, 2010 at 1:36 pm
Thanks Heather – once again, I feel as though we share a brain collectively – you, me, Jess – and I’m pretty sure your sister and I are identical π Wish she was joining us at the RT, and hope she gets online soon when she’s able, would love to “meet” her and chat about all this stuff too. And, you’re right – obviously there was a reason we got married and friendship IS what’s right about it.
June 24, 2010 at 3:06 pm
hope. always hope. thanks again. π
June 24, 2010 at 5:56 pm
thanks…so true.
June 24, 2010 at 5:00 pm
I love this post too. Isn’t it funny how time heals?
And thank God for that!
June 24, 2010 at 5:57 pm
thanks T, glad you do, and yes, time does heal, and it’s such a “saying” but it really DOES (time, that is).
June 24, 2010 at 6:59 pm
That sounds like a good night! I’m hoping Dustin and I can even ourselves out and be like that at some point.
June 24, 2010 at 8:05 pm
thanks Shan…I think you and Dustin are starting down that path, which is good…pulling for you!
June 24, 2010 at 8:00 pm
And it shows how both have grown….wonderful:)
June 24, 2010 at 8:05 pm
thank you so much!
June 25, 2010 at 12:32 am
I love how you and Pete are good friends. Some people don’t understand why and especially how you can still be friends with your ex spouse.For myself I’d rather still have in my life as a friend than hate him and want nothing to do with him. i don’t see the point. He messed up, we both messed up, but I like talking to him and feel comfortable, but realize now that we are much better off as friends. On a side note it’s funny that I met with my ex yesterday at the same place we decided to divorce.
June 25, 2010 at 6:56 am
You are my hero. Someday I hope my relationship with the ex will improve, but he’s gonna have to do some work…
June 25, 2010 at 7:47 am
thanks Nicki, I’ll take being your hero…do I get a t-shirt? π