The final in a series of posts on the beginning of the end of my marriage, and a look back at our relationship, from meeting, dating, engagement, and the in-laws (that could be an entire blog in itself, but that’s a story for another day…!).
As I’ve taken a look back at the beginning of the end of my marriage through this series, it’s been cathartic, emotional, and I realize more than ever that I am so glad it is behind me, and so thrilled to be where I am right now. The hardest things to cope with leading into the divorce were three-fold – mourning the loss of my best friend and husband, working against the feeling of failure and accepting imperfection, and, well, letting go.
From late-October through the end of the year, I probably cried at least twice a day…when I woke up, and when I left work. I’d put on the facade of “everything’s ok” all day at work, and the pain and sadness in my heart would build and build and build all day long to the point of feeling as though it would burst right out of my chest, that when I’d get in my car, there was nothing I could do but lose that control and cry. At least at work, I could somewhat shift it to the back of my mind, but at night, it was a constant slap in the face to walk into a dark, empty house, deal with all the “little” things I never had to deal with when Pete was around – taking out the trash, shoveling the driveway when it snowed, and making dinner…for one. For some reason, those little things would just drill it into my head that this was my “new normal” and I had to adjust and just deal.
But I didn’t want to deal.
I wanted to fast forward past the pain, through the divorce, and onward to starting my life over.
What was my turning point?
When I stopped crying twice a day…to once a day…and finally, to just a couple of times a week.
When I didn’t call it “starting my life over” but re-gaining my independence and starting my life fresh.
When I took pride in knowing “I’m doing this” – and it’s not so scary.
When I could sleep with the lights off (or at least just a little night light!) and get a relatively good night’s sleep.
And when I finally enjoyed being by myself. Being alone was such a hard thing for me, I used to hate it, when I was with Pete (read my SincemyDivorce interview here for more on that!) and when I started to actually enjoy it, that’s when I realized…
I’d let go, and imperfection really isn’t so bad.
Sure, the road ahead was long and winding, but that’s what’s also made it so rewarding…there have been a lot of ups and downs during the past year, but the ups eventually outweighed the downs and I could finally say I was happy.
The twinkle in my eye – something that had flickered out during my darkest moments – had finally come back. I was happy.
I AM HAPPY.
And that, my friends, is where I am today. Happy, optimistic, driven, and “me” again – but better. Stronger, more confident and unwavering in my path for the future. For my blog friends going through divorce now, please know that you can do this, you probably already are doing this, and though there is no true “end” as our journeys just continue to build and flourish, know that where you come out on the other side is amazing. The marathon may not be over, but you’ve got this. We’ve all got this.
February 10, 2010 at 8:42 am
Learning to be my authentic self was the hardest thing for my after my divorce. But now I can say that I AM happy. I AM authentic. I AM WHO I AM!
February 10, 2010 at 8:44 am
Woohoo! That’s awesome Pippi – being yourself is hard, especially when you may have lost part of that self during your marriage or your divorce. It’s what I learned too, and we did it – we are who we are!! YES.
February 10, 2010 at 9:07 am
Something about having kids to consider during the divorce turned me into the uber-perfectionist that I am today. Last night I beat myself up about a less than perfect dinner. And, to quote my mother, there would be plenty of kids in a third world country more than happy to eat what I had prepared. On the other hand, it did give me something to write about. 🙂
Know what? I’ve finally reached a point where I couldn’t tell you offhand when last I cried. Feels great.
February 10, 2010 at 9:14 am
Yes, imperfection is okay! And it was hard for me to accept too. I can imagine having children would make for a perfectionist attitude as well, I would probably be the same way. And you are right – if I hadn’t just cried over writing my recent posts (lol), I don’t remember the last time either!! High five!
February 10, 2010 at 9:12 am
My favorite part of this post? “I AM HAPPY” – that makes ME so happy, Jo. That flicker is back and here to stay!!
February 10, 2010 at 9:14 am
🙂 thanks sis, it sure is!
February 10, 2010 at 12:34 pm
I remember that turning point- it’s right about where you start counting bad days instead of counting good days. When having a bad day is unusual rather than the norm.
Your latest entries have reminded me that our stories are all the same, some may have a bit more drama, but the stories are the same, it’s just the characters that change.
Thank you for sharing.
February 10, 2010 at 12:54 pm
Exactly- when a bad day is unusual, not the norm, that is a huge turning point!! And, I agree, the more comments I read from everyone (thank you!), the more I realize how very much we all have in common. It’s awesome!! Glad you liked reading them.
February 10, 2010 at 1:39 pm
Love, love, love this!!!! Happiness is our greatest gift in return and I do feel that by experiencing such pain (like this) we value and feel happiness that much more….it’s as if we can taste it when we have it and that my friend is fabulous! Peace and love to you!!!!!!!
February 10, 2010 at 1:43 pm
You are right Kristen, the pain gives us the perspective we need to see the happiness and positive behind situations that many could not. XOXO!
February 10, 2010 at 4:09 pm
Love it! You are such an inspiration girl! Thank you so much for sharing this amazing story!
February 10, 2010 at 4:25 pm
Aw, thank you so much!!! Loved all your blog comments 🙂 And to be called inspirational, well, is just amazing.
February 11, 2010 at 4:08 pm
You know you want it Jolene… I have a story for you! I remember all too well the day I hit “the turning point” and it was really funny, even at the time.
When I first found out about my ex’s affair, I was devastated. Cried for three days straight 24/7 non-stop. I didn’t know your eyes could swell shut from crying! Then when his mom called me and said, “Do you know where (ex) is?” I cried! When he decided to choose her over us and not end the affair I cried. Man I was like a basketcase.
Then I started to rebuild myself a little tiny bit. I found a job I could support myself and the kids with (steady, dependable, and I liked it). Then I found out I could fix lightbulbs by myself. I hung out the Christmas lights by myself. And winter became spring.
One spring day I went to the playground after work by myself, and I was swinging on the swings, enjoying the fun and feeling the wind in my hair. That was it. It hit me like THUNDER. I hadn’t cried all day and I was HAPPY! :O
Oh my god–how is that possible? How could I be HAPPY in the midst of an affair and my husband divorcing me? I felt so guilty about feeling happy, but I was. I was actually happy. The big burden of fighting for a dying marriage was gone.
That was the turning point. I *KNEW* deep in my soul that day that I could be happy and I’d be alright. No more than alright. Short and SASSY! 😀
February 11, 2010 at 4:30 pm
Cindy, that was a wonderful story! And it’s true – one day, just like a light-bulb, you sort of just have the ephiphany, I’m happy. It’s one of the best feelings in the world, isn’t it??
February 11, 2010 at 7:09 pm
It’s was a weird thing for me. I remember feeling a little bad about it for two seconds. Like, “My marriage is over and my husband is leaving me. I shouldn’t be happy.” Then I got over it! 😛
Oddly enough, I really enjoyed being single and I never thought I would. So yeah I agree with you, it is the best feeling in the world.
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May 30, 2010 at 8:24 pm
So glad you came out of this the way you did. Very proud of you 🙂
May 30, 2010 at 9:31 pm
aw, thank you so much, Sarah!
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