The final in a series of posts on the beginning of the end of my marriage, and a look back at our relationship, from meeting, dating, engagement, and the in-laws (that could be an entire blog in itself, but that’s a story for another day…!).
As I’ve taken a look back at the beginning of the end of my marriage through this series, it’s been cathartic, emotional, and I realize more than ever that I am so glad it is behind me, and so thrilled to be where I am right now. The hardest things to cope with leading into the divorce were three-fold – mourning the loss of my best friend and husband, working against the feeling of failure and accepting imperfection, and, well, letting go.
From late-October through the end of the year, I probably cried at least twice a day…when I woke up, and when I left work. I’d put on the facade of “everything’s ok” all day at work, and the pain and sadness in my heart would build and build and build all day long to the point of feeling as though it would burst right out of my chest, that when I’d get in my car, there was nothing I could do but lose that control and cry. At least at work, I could somewhat shift it to the back of my mind, but at night, it was a constant slap in the face to walk into a dark, empty house, deal with all the “little” things I never had to deal with when Pete was around – taking out the trash, shoveling the driveway when it snowed, and making dinner…for one. For some reason, those little things would just drill it into my head that this was my “new normal” and I had to adjust and just deal.
But I didn’t want to deal.
I wanted to fast forward past the pain, through the divorce, and onward to starting my life over.
What was my turning point?
When I stopped crying twice a day…to once a day…and finally, to just a couple of times a week.
When I didn’t call it “starting my life over” but re-gaining my independence and starting my life fresh.
When I took pride in knowing “I’m doing this” – and it’s not so scary.
When I could sleep with the lights off (or at least just a little night light!) and get a relatively good night’s sleep.
And when I finally enjoyed being by myself. Being alone was such a hard thing for me, I used to hate it, when I was with Pete (read my SincemyDivorce interview here for more on that!) and when I started to actually enjoy it, that’s when I realized…
I’d let go, and imperfection really isn’t so bad.
Sure, the road ahead was long and winding, but that’s what’s also made it so rewarding…there have been a lot of ups and downs during the past year, but the ups eventually outweighed the downs and I could finally say I was happy.
The twinkle in my eye – something that had flickered out during my darkest moments – had finally come back. I was happy.
I AM HAPPY.
And that, my friends, is where I am today. Happy, optimistic, driven, and “me” again – but better. Stronger, more confident and unwavering in my path for the future. For my blog friends going through divorce now, please know that you can do this, you probably already are doing this, and though there is no true “end” as our journeys just continue to build and flourish, know that where you come out on the other side is amazing. The marathon may not be over, but you’ve got this. We’ve all got this.