Oooooooh Tiago!

We interrupt the usually-more-serious, usually-more-personal, usually-more-insightful blog to bring you TIAGO!!!

Yes, my friends, I got to meet my absolute FAVORITE Group Kick instructor (he works for Body Training Systems and has been in the past two of our instructor DVDs, and he’s well, very easy on the eyes) – Tiago – today after my Ride class, and well, it’s the only thing I can currently think about so I figured I’d gush, I mean, blog it out for all of your amusement 😉

One of the other Group Kick instructors (Steph) and I decided we’d “hang around” practicing on the heavy bag for awhile because we knew he was coming to our gym (from Atlanta..he puts the HOT in HOTlanta!! teehee, yes, I’m 13, suddenly, I realize) for a Group Ride Intensive class (one of those days I *really* wish I taught Ride!) and we wanted to meet him. So we did, and we chatted with a few other instructors who were still there after class (one of which was CSB…yea, he’s stil a cutie, but has NOTHING on Tiago!). Just as we walked over to practice at the bag, he walked in the door.

O.

M.

G.

Steph and I ran back over to the reception area, tried to compose ourselves as we were both super giggly, and me, well, I was shaking! Like, seriously, hi, I’m 30, not 13, how is this man making me shake in my sneaks?! It felt like meeting a really hot celebrity, on one hand, but on the other, it also just gave me a super jolt of inspiration to keep fighting my Group Kick demons and go for the gold. It was just awesome. He was extremely nice, we chatted about Kick and training for it, as well as Body Training Systems, in general, and all the work that goes into the trainings, the intensives, and the tapings etc. It was quite cool.

And, wow, is he hot. Tall, lean, muscular, and oh, did I mention he has a sexy Brazilian accent too?! Not too heavy, just enough where it’s well, sexy. Okay, seriously, I need to stop gushing. I’ll leave you with the trailer for the April ’10 release that we’re launching next week – he’s in the middle (with the “Let it Rock” song) and is the taller of the two dark-haired men – c’mon, admit it, that man is gorgeous 😉

 

Seeing the forest from the trees.

I was sitting in BDFF (best divorced fab friend)’s office today and we were just catching up about life, in general, and a bit about our lives now, versus last year (as we both went through divorce almost at the same time, but the big difference is that she was with her ex for over a dozen years, and has two beautiful little girls) and it hit me…

Damn, my life has so much LESS sadness in it than last year.

Now, maybe that sounds like “no duh, Einstein” but for some reason, it came rushing back. That feeling. BDFF and I had many a closed-door conversation/cry/bitchfest about our situations last year, and I am so thankful to have had someone rightthere at some of those moments where I just wanted to curl up into a ball and hide, instead of putting on a “face” at work and pretending like life was just peachy.

So, when we were sitting there, chatting about me being 30 and in a sense, feeling like I’m starting over (but fresh, too, so that’s not necessarily a bad thing!) and her too, at almost 35, from square one, even though that feels daunting, on one hand, on the other, it feels so good to be where I am now, versus last year. It brought back that perspective that I feel I’ve lost a little sight of lately, and I think I needed that today.

I’m not sad. I’m not angry. I’m not hurt. And that, my friends, is the greatest feeling in the world.

~~~

On a side note – we had a boxing class to go to tonight (the last few weeks, to do some drills to prep for Group Kick) and I must say, there are some cuties in that class that I’ve never seen before. I’m secretly hoping they migrate to our Group Kick classes when they start a week from Saturday. I see potential…hey, at least for some good eye candy, if nothing more, right?!

…and there’s always CSB to look at, even though CSBGF is still in the picture. I neglected to mention that SHE came to spinning the other week, and wow, I knew immediately. Why? Because he wouldn’t even look me straight in the face, for one, nor talk to me, or anything. It was QUITE interesting, I must say. But I digress 😉

 

What a difference a month makes

I’m constantly surprised at where I am mentally when I look back at the last nine months. Sure, it’s been a slow progression, but it still feels like I have come pretty far. But what’s even more interesting and in a way, mind-blowing to me is how much I feel I have grown and learned about myself over the last month alone! It’s funny, because I actually chalk that up in large part to getting into the dating thing.

Putting yourself out there – either on match.com or other dating services or other means (bar, through a friend, etc) – actually takes some guts, especially if a) you’ve never truly “dated” before (um hello, that would be me!!) or b) you haven’t dated in 10 years (again, that would be me!). Getting past the second-guessing over what the heck to put in your profile, or who to reach out to or what pictures to put up, and into actually talking to guys you are going to meet up with, and meeting them for the first time, is downright intimidating! You never know what to expect, and the fear of keeping up conversation, or hoping they are who you thought they are, and them post-date, wondering if things actually clicked etc. It’s just a whole new world of “what if’s” – but on the flip side, it’s also a lot of fun for those very same reasons – the newness of meeting new people, seeing what makes you click, finding out what you are really looking for in someone (and what you’re not!), and just having fun with it. I’m realistic to know that the guys I meet on match.com (including match.com boys 1-6!!) may be non-starters, or may fizzle after a few dates (or I may get stood up – LOL) and I’m not expecting to necessarily find “the one” on here, and I think having those expectations at the outset is important, so you aren’t dissapointed in what you find.

So, I am learning a lot, and it’s really only been a month or so. Kind of a neat side benefit to all of this! And, it’s made me a little more confident flirting with CSB aka the holy grail of hotness (you know I just wanted to work that into my post!), and just generally, feeling more confident (for example – my VERY first boyfriend popped up on Facebook this weekend, and I friended him, and we’ve been emailing a bit back and forth. I don’t think I would have done that a month ago. And it’s not because I have the hots for him or anything, I mean, please, it’s been at least a dozen years, and he’s married with a two year old. It’s just fun to reconnect. He was a nice guy).

…and on that note, just chatted a bit with match.com boy #6 – we are meeting up for dinner on Wednesday. Looking forward to it (and secretly hoping a date comes through with match.com boy #5 too, he’s a cutie too).

 

Boys, friendship and other randoms

Be forewarned – today’s post is a little all over the place. I like to blog every day, and usually, one “big idea” comes to mind at some point during the day, or I read something I want to write about, or something in particular happens that day that I want to discuss. Today, there weren’t a lot of “big idea” things that happened, but I have a few smaller things I wanted to blog about, in no particular order (bear with me!):

• CSB – so GD hot: Okay, so this is old news. He is my holy grail of hotness, yes, we know this. And yes, there is CSBGF to contend with…but each week, I swear, he is more attentive, just slightly more flirty and in a way, even more smolderingly hot !! During spin today, he was co-teaching with another instructor, so on the tracks he wasn’t instructing, he would just give me these long glances that seriously bore straight through me. He was playful, and gave me these gestures (like, don’t turn the resistance off, yes I’m talking to you, sort of gestures – guess you had to be there – LOL) and it’s entertaining and fun and flirty. I still can’t get past this phantom CSBGF, but what I do know is this: we email almost daily, he promised to run a 5K with me before the end of the year (was going to run one tomorrow and when I told him I was bowing out, he said he wasn’t going to go if I wasn’t!) and well, there is definitely flirting. Okay, I’m rambling. Enough with this random rumination 😉
• Shout out to Snarkbutt Divorced for a great blog on friendship and how frustrating it is when the level of friendship you give isn’t reciprocated. This is one of my biggest peeves, and it bums me out big time when my friends don’t reciprocate the same level of friendship I give. This is why I have slowly weaned down my circle of friends to those that DO reciprocate, and know the value of being a good friend. He comments: Yesterday I had an emergency meeting with my shrink. I ranted at him about my grudgeturbation issue. He said that he thinks this is a sociological problem in our culture. People are just too busy, they overbook their lives, and many of them are not very good at maintaining friendships. He brought up a good point: a lot of people don’t realize that friendships take work. You have to make a conscious effort to maintain them or they die. <– SO TRUE!!!
• Match.com boys – so, there is an emergence of match.com boy #3 (works down the street from him – drinks soon. Cute, guy-ish, likes to travel), match.com boy #4 (30, divorced, VERY attractive, we’ve emailed a bunch, date #1 next Thurs!!) and match.com boy #5 (33, also attractive, outgoing, seems fun, hoping it moves to date stage). Phew – this dating stuff is going to get confusing soon 😉 (oh, and match.com boy #1 is still around…date #2 TBC). But, I say, bring. it. on.

There you have it – my random blog for the week – a few snippets of a few thoughts across the board. It’s beautiful, hot, and sunny here in New England and the timing couldn’t be better. I’m off to Maine for another 5 days (starting tomorrow) so no more blogs till Thursday. I’ll post another diary-type blog of my week 🙂 Cheers!

 

Dating for dummies? Dating 101? Hello, where are you?!

As you know, over the past week or so, I’ve really begun thinking more and more about officially entering the dating world (listen to me, as if it’s something you really enter…lol). One of the steps I’ve taken? Eek…I joined match.com. And let me say – it’s pretty overwhelming and a huge time suck (and intimidating – as Diary of a Divorced Guy aptly pointed out!!)!! I’ve been emailing with a few guys but nothing has headed toward a phone convo or a date yet, so we’ll see…I’m being patient.

But seriously, I think back to when I was single…and I have never been single for very long, or long enough to really date around or anything. So, I guess you could say I am a dating virgin in a way…or a born again dater?! I don’t know how to date…I don’t know what couples DO on dates, or how often they talk, or any of it…and I’m sure half of you reading this think I am once AGAIN, overthinking, but it’s part of my nature to overthink!! I guess I just need to go on some dates to figure it all out. So, we’ll see if match.com pans out or if I meet anyone when I’m out and about (girls – guess we need a GNO STAT!).

And, on a side note – more goodies with CSB at spin today. Stayed after class for another 10 mins or so, talked about running, he got my last email and really wants to run one together, but he has class three days a week (and then plays soccer one night and basketball another – again making me wonder – where does he have time for CSBGF…or, she MUST be a long distance GF…), so we’ll see. He’s still cute, and something fun. I’ll say it again!

 

I’m baaack – tan, relaxed, life’s good.

Though I had zero internet access in Maine (shocker…LOL), I took my laptop with me and typed up my thoughts for each day..are ya ready?!

Day 1 – Maine.

Got here around 12:30 today – after a great 5K! I was proud of myself for not stopping, even though I got a couple of side cramps. Still ran it in about 34 mins (or a hair under) so my time didn’t improve much (maybe 30 seconds or so) but felt a small triumph for running all the way through.

Already having a really great time. Was afraid I would be a little down because this week last year, Pete and I (and one of my sisters and my brother in law) took the same week  off and had a glorious time in Maine. But no, I am feeling really good, not lonely, but just drinking in the serenity, time with my grandparents, and fun (as usual) with one of my sisters and brother in law (saw my other sister and brother in law yesterday for a fab cookout at mom’s). Laid in the sun on the dock all afternoon, played a mean game of Dominoes with Gram and Gramp (I won! Woo!) and got my FIRST EVER lobster roll (yes, I know – I live in New England and never had one! Go figure!) at Ted’s (up the road). Now, sitting here, writing my entry, with a glass of wine in hand. Can it get better than that? I feel the stress of work, the everyday grind, the house and divorce drama, melting away. It’s going to b a great week, I can just feel it.

Day 2 – Maine.

It’s about 4:45 here on this fine Monday, and as is typical Maine fashion – the days last SO long because Maine time goes so much more slowly than at home. I relish it!! Today has been awesome so far. Woke up around 7:30 or so (after sleeping FANTASTICALLY – funny, I never slept well up here before, but I think my conquering my sleeping alone fears have somehow helped me sleep better in general) and had a nice run, about 2 ½ miles. Tomorrow, will probably do 3 ½ and work up to 4 by our last day (since my sister is determined to get me to run a 10K by October – eek!). Laid by the lake alllll day from around 9:30 until 2ish. Went and got ice cream with my grandparents and came back. Feeling super relaxed, tan, and euphoric almost. It’s awesome.

…only small hump was a call from Pete today about next steps on the short sale. It’s just stressful not having control over the next step – waiting to hear from the mortgage company if they’ll accept the short sale. They could call us tomorrow, next month, three months from now…and that’s scary and daunting, but I’m just trying to take it one day at a time and realize it’s not worth worrying about since it’s out of my control. Serenity now… 😉

…oh and CSB and I emailed back and forth twice today. Hmm. Intriguing. I like it.

Day 3 – Maine.

Funny, about the same time writing my blog today as yesterday. The lovely, relaxing in-between time post-sunning and before dinner (and wine!). Another fantastic day, despite some afternoon clouds. Had a false start to pick blueberries (despite the sign – not open for picking!) with Gram and Gramp, but had a scenic drive back. Enjoyed the sun until it disappeared behind some clouds, worked on a puzzle with Gram, and finished reading my book. All in all, continuing to be a fantastic vacation.

On a side note, annoyed myself by looking at CSB’s Facebook page and there’s a new pic up with him and CSBGF. I don’t know why I get myself so wrapped up in things –it’s just a crush, and one that won’t go anywhere, so why get myself all annoyed?! So, I’m annoyed that I’m annoyed with myself, pretty much 😉 I’ll snap out of it, just give me an hour or so 😉 I’ll save this for a future post – but have been giving more and more thought to the world of dating and whether I am ready or not. In my mind, I think I am, but part of me is sort of scared of it…it’s daunting to set out into the dating world after a decade. But could be kind of exciting, and a new exploration for me that maybe I need. Hmm…

Day 4 – Maine.

Trip slooowly coming to a close. We go home tomorrow afternoon and I’ll finish up my vaca blogging tomorrow with a lovely summary of events (of lack thereof – in a good way!). It’s been a fantasic almost 5 days of nothing but relaxation, sunning, drinking wine, and a dash of running in the AMs (running about 2 – 2 ½ miles this week each morning, just to get some exercise in while still feeling like I’m getting in a daily sweat!). I’ve done a lot of thinking while I’ve been up here, a lot of it around dating, oddly enough, and I’ll devote a post or two to that later this week/weekend. I guess what has been hitting me is that I’ve been SO used to having one man in my life for almost 10 years, that entering the dating world, where I may meet one, or several men before I find one that I want an actual relationship with (I’m being realistic that the first guy I meet may not be “the” next relationship I have – though I hope it isn’t TOO many men before I find a good one) is so out of the “norm” for me – I’m not one for change, so it’s funny that after almost nine months of um, change (hi – getting divorced and selling my house – yeah, that’s change!!), this seems like the biggest change for me. Okay, so I’ve blabbered on a lot about my thoughts already, so I won’t steal any more thunder from future dating posts 😉

All in all, this trip has been amazing. I’ve loved every minute of it, and really needed this break from reality to sit back, relax, and enjoy summer (now that it’s finally here). Ahh…

~~~~~

So, there you have it – four wonderful days in Maine and I am feeling refocused, reflective, and rejuvinated!! Annnd, I still have the rest of the week off (and a lot of fun plans this week!). Bring it!!

 

If that’s not a good mantra, I don’t know what is!

Sitting poolside today, I was finishing reading a VERY good book – called Dewey – about a library cat and his life in Iowa (don’t laugh – for any cat lovers, it’s a must read!) and in finishing it – bawling my eyes out (the ending is sad, what can I say?), a great quote jumped out at me that was too good NOT to share

Find your place. Be happy with what you have. Treat everyone well. Live a good life. It isn’t about material things, it’s about love. And, you can never anticipate love.

If that isn’t a good mantra for live, I don’t know what is. It perfectly sums up what I have been trying to say in my posts each day and each week. Said so simply – because in a way, it is simple – live, laugh, love – is basically what it is saying, and it’s something I strive for every day.

…and as I ponder today’s CSB encoutner (okay, you had to know I was going to at least MENTION him today!), which was as usual, very nice, but still very confusing, I think it’s pretty simple. No matter what happens with CSB, I’m going to be happy, live life and charge forward.

(So, yes, CSB and I chatted, alone, after class, about my 5K tomorrow – he wished me luck and said I’ll do good, and we talked about our weekends and my vacation. It was nice. And I caught a few glances during class…so nothing really has changed, it’s all still the same, but I’m still enjoying it! We’ll see what happens).

 

CSB musings

Sooo…CSB and I have been emailing – weird, isn’t it? Well, backing up, I emailed him about a week or two ago trying to get him to come to the 5K I am running on Sunday and he said he wasn’t sure blah blah blah. And then I emailed him again this Sunday after class since he said “maybe I’ll see you there,” ribbing him to see if he’d signed up yet or not. So, he emailed me back two days ago (usually takes him 2-3 days to respond, I’ve noticed) and said he wasn’t sure he could come…but who was I running with? And so I emailed him back and we went back and forth today four times.

It was so strange – he clearly was checking his gmail and kept emailing back with various short emails and questions. Nothing earth-shattering but I thought that was kind of interesting…so hey, I’m still running with it and trying to add a twinge of flirt into my emails but nothing ridiculously oozing of flirt either – happy medium? We’ll see what happens at class on Saturday…if anything. I’m having fun with it though – keeps life interesting, I guess, right?!

 

Can’t resist a CSB post

So, after finding out that CSB has a girlfriend (aka CSBGF), I thought I wouldn’t post much about project CSB anymore, but I can’t resist. It’s not like the project is over per se, because as some of my friends have astutely called out – it’s helping get me used to the idea of dating and getting comfortable flirting, which are two very good reasons to keep project CSB going, right?? And, just because he has a girlfriend doesn’t mean I have to act any differently (I’m not the one that’s taken!).

So, I was curious how class would go today, wondering if CSB would act differently since I now know he has a girlfriend – he may not even put two and two together that I saw it on his Facebook page (guys are oblivious to details sometimes, I think…am I right?!). He didn’t act any differently today than in weeks’ past. And I didn’t really act any differently either. It was a good class, quieter since many probably skipped it today given the holiday weekend. I’m still trying to persuade him to run the 5K I am doing next Sunday, and he said he really might come…he’s told a bunch of his friends about it. He admitted he hasn’t run a 5K in a long time, so I think that’s part of why he’s hesitant. So we talked about running for a bit and I told him more about my never-ending side-cramp saga, and it was good. I still swear I see glances during class, and he asked me to turn the music down at one point (sort of cute?). At the end of class, I was leaving and he said hey, maybe I’ll see you at the 5K next weekend? So, who knows, it was good, and if I come out of this with him as a friend, that’s cool too, because he’s a nice guy (albeit a very cute, very motivated, very funny, everything I’d look for in a guy…ho hum).

So there you have it – any thoughts from the peanut gallery appreciated…doing the right thing? move away from this CSB thing? keep flirting? Hang back

 

Every time I think I’ve learned everything about myself, I learn something new.

So, yesterday sort of sucked – finding out that CSB has a girlfriend. Beyond that being a huge surprise – my reaction to it surprised me even more. I went through a huge rollercoaster of emotions in the span of an hour – shock, that sickness in the pit of your stomach, fear, sadness, and a sudden unwillingness to want to put myself out there, ever.

I thought – if I have this kind of reaction over a CRUSH, how am I going to feel when I DO start dating and get rejected? Or realize the guy isn’t someone I want to date? How am I going to cope with that when I freak out over a crush…beating myself up over letting myself believe there could be something there, and putting myself out there, flirting, and being mad at myself for even bothering at all. But then I realized – okay, *perhaps* I am overreacting. And I knew I was, but it was just so surprising to me, when I thought there may actually be a connection brewing and to find out he has a girlfriend was just so unexpected. And, after many a pep talk from my sisters, friends and blog “family,” a few things have risen to the top: I can still have a crush on CSB (no harm in that!), the crush proved that I AM over Pete, that I AM ready to date, and who knows…maybe CSB and CSBGF are on the rocks (okay, so maybe that part is just my daydreaming!).

In any event, I learned that I still have a LOT to learn, a lot to experience, and a lot more strength to develop. And I think I’m ready to face it, head on.